Food / touching / sharing /cleanliness issues with a child

Are they like this with anything else in life? Or is it just food/drink?

Sounds like quite a serious issue, so if it were me, i would be looking for specialist help from either 'eating disorder' specialists or maybe mental health experts (apologies if i havent used the correct terminology there).

Also, have you asked him why he feels he cant eat XYZ after someone has touched it etc.

And is it a new thing? Or has it developed over time?

Defo a tough one tho... fingers crossed you can get to the bottom of it.

Seen it with a couple of the grand kids. All a carry over from Covid and and the constant reminders from school and TV about washing their hands and not touching things. They have both grown out of it recently but still catch themselves doing it occasionally. One is 11 the other is 7

Kids getting obsessive about such things predates Covid. We had it with our eldest, that was hand washing, about a decade or so ago. It's not that unusual, but yes, a sign of something wider that you need to be aware of, IME. I would also recommend talking to a specialist, knowing more can be helpful (for you now, and your child as they get older)... you don't need to ignore it, and you don't need to worry about it.

There's often no logic, most food phobias aren't rational after all . Lots of kids have weird rules about food, the control of them keeps your child "safe". The food, however is blameless, (he probably knows, but; rules). It the fear that creates the barrier, remove the fear, remove the barrier. But he probably needs professional help to get the techniques.

There was an article in Guardian a while back about a guy who sought help for some pretty extreme phobias that seemed pretty successful IIRC.

Are they like this with anything else in life? Or is it just food/drink?

Yep - I cannot, ever, touch his phone. He got very emotional when I fed some apple to his hamster because it meant that I, by proxy, touched his hamster (at that point the hamster was skin and bones and I was doing my best to try to feed it up a bit before it died). Yet he is happy sharing the PS4 controllers and VR with all and sundry.

Edit: He won't accept professional help (at this point). We are just trying to better understand his behaviour so we can take the first steps towards starting to help him manage things (he won't even see his behaviour as odd right now).

You can speak to a professional without him. You're the parent, talk to someone who can help.

Kids getting obsessive about such things predates Covid.

You are right but we know from talking to her that this was triggered by Covid. Not so sure about her younger brother but he idolises his sister so we think that he may just have been copying her.

They both seem to be ok about it now but time will tell.

You can speak to a professional without him. You’re the parent, talk to someone who can help.

True - I hadn't considered that we might be able kick things off without him, but we don't have a great deal of background so our knowledge of any historical issues is limited.

Sounds as if there is even more reason not to just push on alone... you shouldn't be alone in dealing with this... it's new to you... it won't be to a professional. Sorry to sound pushy... but my experience is that once you decide outside help would be useful.. then the waiting begins! So ask for help early, it is unlikely to come quickly. If when you get the help it isn't useful, because they only tell you things you've worked out yourself... that's good and reassuring in itself... what is there to lose by asking?

IIRC this is lad you fostered? Perhaps that will put a slightly different slant on the advice and help you may receive.

Truth be told, if my son (same age) was doing this, I’d straight up tell him to stop, but I know it’s just because he’d be playing silly buggers. I can understand the need to tread more gently in your situation.

Could it be a control thing? He doesn’t feel in control of other aspects of his life so is exercising control over things he can?

he idolises his sister so we think that he may just have been copying her.

Maybe that's your 'in' then, convince her to lead by example?

As someone who still lives with eating issues around "safe & unsafe" food including some oddness about "contamination", I'd second the suggestion to talk to a specialist about what you can do to help with the child's behaviour. When I was growing up I went through a lot of confrontation around food which just reinforced and embedded my behaviours - if the issues had been recognised back then I think I'd have a lot more freedom today.

IIRC this is lad you fostered? Perhaps that will put a slightly different slant on the advice and help you may receive.

Sorry, yes it is (trying not to bring it up all the time in my posts for fear of repetition and I was hoping for responses based on the behaviour's habit, not his background). He has complex issues that we know about but it's the contradiction in what he is doing that is dumbfounding us.

Another example yesterday - I took him to the 4DX (in 3D) cinema then trampolining. He wanted to use my 3D glasses (some old ones I brought downstairs that were living in an old sock) rather than get some new ones but refused to wear some existing trampolining socks that we had, insisting on a new pair. We asked why the (old, touched, living in a sock) glasses were the better option whereas the socks were the opposite. He couldn't answer it other than 'old socks feel funny'.

It *MAY* be a control thing - he wants to get the things he asks for?
(Edit @bensales - I wrote that before I saw you mention it in your response – interesting, perhaps we are on the right track and I have said this to my wife previously – he's trying to see where boundaries lie, have some control over parts of his life.)

@johndoh, it's not going to be logical, not even to him, I don't think there's going to be a way of confronting the issue, which is not based on professional therapy, because this is all in his unconscious mind. He's not in control of it, he "just" follows the rules - that he's made up, fo'shure, but rules is rules, they keep him "safe".

Could it be a control thing? He doesn’t feel in control of other aspects of his life so is exercising control over things he can?

This is what I was going to suggest, using my internet PhD in cod psychology.

My neice has a food phobia/eating disorder. Without going into detail it's almost certainly as a result of personal circumstances and an attempt to control some aspect of what is going on in her life.
Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely not accusing you, what you are doing is a wonderful thing, but I would strongly advocate professional help. If he's fostered then my assumption is that he hasn't had the happiest of lives up until you stepped in to help him, and than can obviously have profound effects.

Firstly, as he's fostered then talk to his social worker... they might be able to give you some insight into this, and whether it's happened in other placements etc. Also, it's the best avenue for accessing professional help in the fastest manner.

Next, these rules that he lives by are essentially the things that he has learnt as he grows up to keep himself alive. They will most likely have developed over a number of years to differing scenarios, so there won't be any single reason behind them at all... and they certainly won't be logical. Your best bet is really to work with him for now, try to accommodate his rules as best you can, and try not to make a fuss about them. As he starts to trust you, and form an attachment to you as foster carers, then they may be something that reduces over time as he starts to feel safe.

Finally, have you done any training on therapeutic parenting, or PACE, or DDP? If not, get onto your social worker and get some help with those... the social worker should know exactly what you are talking about, if you don't know.

and they certainly won’t be logical.

But they will to a professional.

Most definitely not my skillset but I do sit between a psychologist & a counselor (and the odd psychiatrist) at work and it's a very common theme I hear from them that attachment and trauma in early years can manifest in later years as unusual / unexpected behaviours.

Our psychologist spends a lot of time working with those who support / live with people who have additional needs. Starting with the (adoptive) parents can often be quite challenging in itself as some are quite fixed / in denial / unable to cope with the issues facing the young person.

If your able, get a psychologist with an attachment / trauma speciality to liaise with the social worker for professional clinical insight into the young person's previous history, and then ask for them to work with you as parents. It's reasonable and without judgement that you may be lacking in the tools needed to deal with what your seeing and the whys of it, but a professional could guide you through the process. The sooner the better.

If you have any questions you want me to ask them, DM me.

Well it turns out my wife has managed to get a Teams meeting with a psychotherapist this week to talk through things so it’s moved on much more quickly than we had expected.

That's excellent... fingers crossed it can help, just make sure you go in with an open mind and don't expect miracles!

For example, we are coming up to 3 years working with a child psychologist for our son... plus loads of support from other professionals and our amazing post-adoption workers, but it's still a challenge pretty much every day, and we know it will be for years to come... but with their help things are generally improving... usually!!!

Unfortunately, these kids have really complex needs and it can take years to help them cope, but with love, care and empathy it's helping them along that path.

So... good luck with it... and feel free to DM if you need to have a chat about it all, or a good old moan... and don't underestimate the effect it will have on you, or your wife, so make sure you look after yourselves in all this too

Thank you 👍

And we had another episode tonight - he’d made a den using the sofa cushions etc and then left his den erected and gone off and done something else. I came home later from work, my wife had taken him with her to drop off our girls at gymnastics and I was sorting the house and put the sofa back together as it was getting late so it was too late for him to still be playing. It turns out that one blanket he used was ‘his’ and we had a meltdown - curled up and shaking, upset simply because I had touched his blanket. But he has never bothered once at my wife or I doing his washing, folding it up, putting it away. So unpredictable.

My 9 year old has autism / is autistic depending on how you want to describe it.
Everything you have said in your posts on this thread would be the sort of things that would affect him, with similar responses.
Obviously me not knowing his background , I might just be presuming, but has anyone looked in to this ? It may have been missed , depending on how he masks it. If he hasn’t had a stable upbringing in the past with parents who haven’t had his best interests at heart then it would have been overlooked.

I might just be presuming, but has anyone looked in to this ?

There is no record of this on his file that we are aware of but it isn't a surprise as he would not engage with a professional so, even if he had seen someone, there would be no diagnosis (but we don't know if it has been investigated at all) and there is no-one to ask other than social services and they don't know.

I would suggest he is feeling need to reign in a situation by this obtuse control.
I say this as someone who developed a morbid fear of our school playing fields at the age of 10 ( I kid you not. I think it came from a girl I didn't like having been at the same school and having "touched them". Oddly that logic didn't apply to door handles, seats etc). I think it went as quickly as it came on - after a conversation with my mother - who basically said "Okay, we can deal with it".

Oddly , despite being regularly bullied by triplets who lived down the road when I was 13/14 it never happened again (however I do hope they died very painful deaths)

Past-life trauma?

Summary of Michael Newton's Journey of Souls https://amzn.eu/d/epdUsRz

Not sure if you are being serious but I really don’t believe in that train of thought - I believe there are many more proven ways of diagnosing and understanding behaviour.

@revs1972 sums up exactly what I was about to write. My 10 year old shows very similar characteristics and is most excellent at masking, apart from when she’s in he comfort of her own home where she can break down at the slightest of things. For her, the episodes are more to vent the frustrations of the day (whilst she’s been masking) so your child’s emotions may not be linked directly to someone touching his food, but that he’s under so much pressure elsewhere and this is the easiest way to vent. I may be far from the mark, and it’s never easy to approach the whole ASD subject with your child, but it’s at least worth eliminating.

Well the therapist listened to my wife reel off a long list of previous issues and then suggested that some autism spectrum issue may be a cause but it is early days and, as mentioned previously, he won't engage with professionals at all so it would be very tricky to get a diagnosis but we'll seek further advice on how we can pursue it.

Had another issue last night - he said he wouldn't eat his dinner because I had touched it (using my fingers to put his Turkey Dinosaurs on a cooking tray - classy kid). We tried to explain that we always touch food (makig sandwiches, stretching out his pixzza dough, peeling/chopping vegetables etc. He still refused so we simply said 'fine, your choice but that is dinner, you don't have to eat it but there is nothing else and you'll go to bed hungry' and he ate them – so I think there is some element of 'control' in there.

Had another difficult day yesterday - we wend to my in-laws for Sunday dinner and my wife made mashed potato for him especially and one of our daughters helped peel the potatoes. Apparently she hadn't washed her hands before peeling them so he refused to eat the resulting mash. Then my father-in-law opened and poured a gass of J2O for him so he wouldn't drink it - fine, we understand that behaviour - he has always wanted to pour his own so someone else had that glass. Father-in-law got another bottle out and handed it to him along with the bottle opener but he couldn't work out how the opener worked (it's some fancy multi-purpose opener) so he asked the father-in-law how it worked and he helped to show him (he didn't actually open it, just helped to show him) so he refused to have the bottle too.

Such confusing and contradictory behaviour!

I can imagine this is incredibly tough, you're showing more patience/restraint than i certainly would. Good man.

It is very tough - I spent most of the day before with him and his friends at a Christmas Market/skating etc and felt like things were getting better (his outbursts like this tend to follow periods when we have challenged his behaviour) but instead we had to endure a very uncomfortable evening of him alternating between crying (I refused to let him attempt with a third bottle so he just had water) and shuffling what little food he would eat around his plate.

As others have suggested sounds like traits of autism. A large part of autism is it causes anxiety. But it might just be anxiety from his previous life. Control is a way of trying to deal with anxiety.

Anxieties aren’t always “rationale” in the view of “others”.

Have you spoken to the school? It may be he presents differently there but with other challenges.

Den building is a safe space. If you destroy it (tidy up) that safe space is gone. Very common autism trait.

Plenty of resources on how to live with/help those with autism on the interweb. Will
See if can dig out some more useful ones.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/what-is-autism

Speak to gp and school You might need to request an assessment.

It’s also very common for autistic children to “mask “ at school and ‘decompress’ at home.

A lot of the basics of managing behaviour is building a rapport (playing with them, being in the moment etc) with child in the first instance.

Have you tried talking to them at time when they are calm about what worries him. In the car meant to be good for this as not so confrontational . Could then try and problem solve this- eg could he wash the bottle after it’s been touched by others in the example above.

Another stat I’ve heard is Every negative comment needs 5 positive ones of praise to offset. It’s estimated that Autistic children get something like 20k more negative comments.

The problem is that he hasn't been with us long and he certainly wouldn't entertain us talking about it (he would just walk away and go into his room which we cannot enter).

I try to play with him when he asks (after leaving the in-laws last night he wanted me to push him on a rope swing on the green in front of their house so I did that for a few minutes - I guess it may have been his way of saying sorry, although he does switch mood VERY quickly and the earlier confrontations had been forgotten) but most of the time he just wants to stay in his room with the curtains closed listening to music on his headphones.

It isn’t easy you need to build the rapport which will take time for him to trust you.

Another good but initially weird sounding strategy is to set aside some time say 10 /20/30mins. Then say to him please can I spend some special time with you and in it We’ve got x minutes for you to do what ever he likes, ideally noT screen based (!) but if it is it is. Then set your timer say we’ve got 10 minutes and focus only on him so no other distractions and lots of praise and then you can stop when it goes off and thank him for the time together, how much you enjoyed doing xyz and being with him and Look forward to next time. You might initially need some fun things to draw him in as I expect he’ll refuse but hopefully he’ll then suggest things.

you’ll probably need to ask it a few times before he agrees.

Also although feels a bit weird try and praise as often as you can even if only for really little things and when not feeling as if he ‘deserves’ it.

What music does he like, ask him what he’s listening to and then say how much you like them, and then you could say let’s stick it on the stereo and crank it up.

It’s not easy, good luck. Lots of strategies / ideas out there but getting them to work is another matter!

@johndoh

The Newton approach to past-life regression seems the most scientific method…repeatable, observable.

Tbh, it’s unlikely to work on anyone under the age of 30.
Afair, there’s usually some kind of barrier that prevents people, that young, from accessing that kind of ‘life-between-lifes’ knowledge.
It may prejudice free will.

My 9 year old has autism / is autistic depending on how you want to describe it.

Just read this thread, I've two adult children with Asperger's diagnosisis. Like the poster above instantly saw similarities in behaviour.

As he will not interact with a professional (as in he will, absolutely, refuse to interact at all in any shape of form) I can imagine it will be very difficult getting a diagnosis. It took about a week before we got anything more than one word answers from him - most of the time we would just get a nod or shake of the head.

And it is not helped by his GP (we are trying to get him at our Practice) not liking him and has accused him of some stuff we cannot believe he would do (violence towards others etc). She was very unprofessional at his mum's funeral, telling us about his past and inviting us to go and see her to discuss him!

And it is not helped by his GP (we are trying to get him at our Practice) not liking him and has accused him of some stuff we cannot believe he would do (violence towards others etc). She was very unprofessional at his mum’s funeral, telling us about his past and inviting us to go and see her to discuss him!

his mum’s funeral

we cannot believe he would do

inviting us to go and see her to discuss him

Lots of significant information here.

Things aren't always as they seem, or how you think they should be. If you don't have your son's history and background it would be worth hearing what the GP has to say.

muddyjames speaks a lot of sense... and those approaches work with all kids, not just ones on the autistic spectrum, but are also especially useful for kids with traumatic early lives... it's all about building a connection and a relationship with the child, and being there to help them.

To be honest, and thus is something we were told before we adopted, it's not really your job to 'fix' him as such, but to provide him the best opportunity, with a loving caring secure base. That then allows the professionals to help him. Without that secure base the kids are really going to struggle to engage.

Also, don't expect to ever get to the bottom of why any of the behaviour is happening, if you do get some insight that can only help, but as often as not the kids themselves don't have any idea.

For a lot of these kids, they grew up in unstable families, with neglect/abuse and they needed to learn a set of 'rules' in order to survive... those rules would have started being laid down very young and have been 'proved' to work by the fact they are still alive... it will take time and patience for these rules to be overwritten, which they may never do.

It's not easy... I struggle with this sort of thing pretty much every day with my son... it just doesn't make sense to me, but I also know what he's been through, and how amazing he is to still be alive, so I keep on trying... and that's what this lad needs. Unfortunately it's not going to be easy, and very few people outside the fostering/adoption world really get just how bloody hard it is. But it being hard won't stop me trying...

Sorry... might have rambled there...

^^^ but he won’t interact with professionals which is the problem. We can provide stability but he clearly needs professional help but won’t accept it (yet).

If you don’t have your son’s history and background it would be worth hearing what the GP has to say

He isn’t our son (we have to keep that distinction) - he is a fostered child currently in our care.

I know nothing about the child but sounds as if he’s got a “lot” going on. If his mum has just died then he’s going to be grieving and there’s a “grief curve” of behaviours that you might expect to see. He won’t be ready to engage until he’s been through that curve. Different people go through it at different rates. Also it might not be just death that triggers it so he might have several things he’s grieving - being moved around being one.

Once he feels safe, loved and secure and accepted for who he is then he might be in a better place to open up to you and or professionals. When you say you must keep the distinction that he isn’t your son, what does that mean in practice for him ( and him feeling secure) I know nothing about fostering; How long will he be with you, can he stay as long as he wants - Do you tell him that?

Without wishing to state the obvious As with all kids don’t expect him to be grateful for being given a roof/food etc and also don’t make him feel bad for behaving as he does.

Laughter is really good medicine. Clearly given his circumstances you need to pick your moments. I don’t know your personality but have you ever turned daily rituals into a joke eg started a pillow fight with him at bedtime.

Ultimately I don’t think anyone can rush him. So my advice would be try and
1. Try and make him feel as welcome and secure as you can
2. set fair boundaries for him (as that should also help with security). You could engage him in those discussions to agree what are fair boundaries.
3. Build rapport so he sees you as someone he can open up to

As before Good luck - it’s a hard job bringing up kids and doing so as a temporary home must be many times harder. Do the best you can (as I’m sure you are) and don’t beat yourself up if looking back you think you should have done something different.

Unfortunately he might not ever respond to professional help... but by providing a secure and stable base for him, it's giving him the best opportunity to be able to if he wants to.

How is his relationship with his social worker? How is your relationship with yours? A lot of this is worth discussing with them, and trying to figure out a good way of proceeding.

When you say you must keep the distinction that he isn’t your son, what does that mean in practice for him ( and him feeling secure) I know nothing about fostering; How long will he be with you, can he stay as long as he wants – Do you tell him that?

We have no idea how long he will be with us - he is our first foster placement, he was meant to be short-term then his mum died (it wasn't entirely unexpected as she had been ill on and off for some time however it happened much sooner than expected). The thing is, he is older than we ideally wanted and we want to help more people get back on their feet and back with their family (this is ordinarily the preferred outcome for short-term placements). So now we are all that he has got (no father, no extended family, just an older brother and they hate each other). We haven't even broached the subject of how long he will stay with us. But that is a different subject altogether! Regarding the 'distinction' bit - I was saying it for my own benefit really - just reminding myself (and others I guess) that he is a damaged child who had very little parenting growing up. Saying that, he CAN be very polite, is intelligent and sometimes is nice to be around.

As with all kids don’t expect him to be grateful for being given a roof/food etc and also don’t make him feel bad for behaving as he does.

Absolutely - we are fine with that aspect and don't expect anything (although we do expect him to say thank you when being given something just like we would with our two children). He desperately wanted silver tinsel for his Christmas Tree in his room and I managed to find some yesterday - I got a thank you and the slightest of happy smiles. That's plenty enough for me.

How is his relationship with his social worker? How is your relationship with yours? A lot of this is worth discussing with them, and trying to figure out a good way of proceeding.

He won't speak to his SW - he just goes to his room, closes the door and puts his headphones on. They tried writing him letters - he just rips them up and throws them away. Our relationship with our SW is okay, however the review we were meant to have two weeks ago has been delayed until mid-January which is not entirely unexpected.

I keep reading this thread thinking I might be able to make a useful contribution then realise I cannot

I would like to say tho what a good thing you are doing.  Making the world a better place even if its one kid at a time

johndoh... with all of what you are saying, it really sounds like you are doing a pretty good job... but I know that doesn't make it any easier when something comes out of the blue and there is no explanation or reason why something has happened. As I think I have said before, unfortunately there isn't any discernible reason a lot of the time.

However, knowing that those sorts of things can happen means you can have some responses already sorted out between yourself and your wife, which at least means that you feel a little more in control with dealing with it when something does happen.

It's still very much early days though... especially with the death of his mum, it really must feel like the world is against him at the moment, and he'll have so many emotions and feelings flying around that anyone would be struggling, let alone a kid who's had a tough start to life. So if he's not going to talk to anyone else, then just being there and accepting who, and how, he is at the moment is probably going to be as much as you can do for the time being. Which again, is not an easy thing to do at times... so just keep posting on here and we can keep talking to you about it as things get tricky...

Thanks all for your input. Hopefully if we can start to get around the food/cleanliness/ownership issues then things will start to improve more broadly as they remain the issue that causes the vast majority of flare-ups/emotions.

He won’t speak to his SW – he just goes to his room, closes the door and puts his headphones on. They tried writing him letters – he just rips them up and throws them away. Our relationship with our SW is okay, however the review we were meant to have two weeks ago has been delayed until mid-January which is not entirely unexpected.

If he won't work directly with externals will they work directly with you, perhaps offering you strategies to use with him, derived by them & implemented by you, in his best interest?

(hope that makes sense)

If he won’t work directly with externals will they work directly with you, perhaps offering you strategies to use with him, derived by them & implemented by you, in his best interest?

Yes, we have *some* support there but it's pretty limited and more anecdotal / experience led. The back-story was that, before coming to us, he was almost non-verbal with carers (he has been in and out of the system for most of his 12 years) so what we (I can't take credit, so my wife) has done is far above anything in the past so we just get 'you're doing great - much better than anyone else' and that is enough for them. Of course they don't see the 'curled up in a ball shaking because he saw me using my hands when preparing his food' side of him that we have to cope with.

Keep plugging away you’ve already done a lot more than most other families and
you’ve given the kid a chance not to end up dead or in prison.

Being funny about food is quite common for kids I think. Particularly those with autism. If you can include him in the process some how that might help. If he chooses the soap, you use or perhaps the colour of nitrile/vinyl gloves or indeed try and involve him in the making process. Might feel a bit ott but if that gives some respite then it’s a small price to pay.

There’s several groups out there - see if you can join your local national autistic society. They usually have a monthly meet up and also a what’sapp group to share stories/ask for advice. They should also be able to point you to various courses on how to support kids with special needs. Whilst a formal diagnosis might be helpful in one sense in many others it’s a bit academic - you can still learn how to try and deal with the symptoms being presented.

How is he performing at school?

How is he performing at school?

Generally well - a typical 12-year-old boy really in that when he does apply himself he is fine but he doesn't always apply himself. We'll get to know more when we have a parent's evening - he's just started secondary school and we haven't met them yet (at least not in an academic capacity).

Just a thought... does he have an EHCP for school? It sounds like he probably should, as it's not just for learning issues, it's for social and health issues as well, which I think would be covered here...

Also relating to school... see if you can get in contact with the virtual school... they are specifically there for helping with looked after kids in school. Plus he should be getting the higher level of pupil premium, and the virtual school will have some say in how that gets spent for him.

Finally I'd just say that although some of the symptoms might well be similar/the same as for autism, there is a large crossover in the symptoms with attachment disorder and ADHD. So while it's certainly possible that autism is a factor, I'd think attachment disorder is almost certainly a given for a child who has been in and out of care for the greater part of his life.

As for support from your social worker... unfortunately, as in a lot of things in life at the moment, if you don't put yourself forward a little to get additional help, then they'll likely not offer as they have so much work on their plates and other people who are asking... it's not right, but it seems to be the ways things have been going for a few years.

See if you can get on some courses as well, there should be a set of fostering courses which they run, which I think you need to be doing at least a certain amount per year to keep up on your CPD. Therapeutic parenting and PACE are the currently preferred parenting techniques for the social workers and adoption support workers around my way so would be worth seeing if you can get on a course for one of those.

The advice on eligibility for an EHCP is a good one.

Yes, we have *some* support there but it’s pretty limited and more anecdotal / experience led

Unfortunately the system seems to favour best those who continually make the most noise and use legal teams to obtain their entitlement.

A lot of the process will be driven by diagnosis, so if he's lacking any formal diagnosis that'd be a start.

Get the social workers in.

So another one last night - my wife was in his room cleaning the windowsill (black mould due to stuff being piled up against the window). He was 'okay' with her doing it but she accidentally knocked something off his desk which is next to the window. He reacted as she 'touched' one of his things (despite her touching lots of his things on the windowsill)! Anyway, the reaction wasn't that bad and she carried on... unfortunately she then knocked something else (he is very messy and it is quite a small room) and he went into one of his meltdowns - completely shuts down verbally (head down, stood bolt upright, clenched fists, shaking etc). I have said before that I think there is something boiling away like a pressure cooker inside him that will one day blow spectacularly and last night was one of those times when I think we nearly saw it happen. Actually quite scary :-O

I have said before that I think there is something boiling away like a pressure cooker inside him that will one day blow spectacularly and last night was one of those times when I think we nearly saw it happen.

Maybe that's what needs to happen?

Speaking purely from personal experience, I find that there's a lot less pressure left in the pan after the the lid is embedded in the ceiling.

Maybe that’s what needs to happen?

Honestly? In my entirely unscientific diagnosis, I think he is afraid to let anyone see it (his rather unprofessional doctor suggested quite heavily that he has been very violent in the past). It's almost like he's David Banner trying to stop the rage from erupting.

I dunno. I'm not involved and please don't take advice from me! If he has anger management issues then it could be a wholly different scenario from mine.

It’s almost like he’s David Banner trying to stop the rage from erupting.

Let him?

https://www.virginexperiencedays.co.uk/product/teen-rage-room-for-two-destroyd

Hah - he would love that. Is there a 'The Purge' based one at all? He often says he wants to kill people, wish everyone dead - that might help him vent. 🙀