[Closed] Feeling like you have missed the boat?

Not selfish for wanting it, you do have to decide if it's worth giving up what you have (and the associated distress that doign so may cause others) to follow your dream, though.

If you just want to bum round the world for a year and then pick up where you left off you may be disapointed with the reaction.

If you truly want to change your life 'for ever' then that may be different.

I think everyone, whatever they do, sometimes wishes it were all different - but not enough to do soemthign about it and, perhaps, they value what they have too much to lose it?

Dude.. this is probably all just a symptom of the endless clap-wibble touted by the media, TV and advertising to make you believe you need more.. (50 things to do before you die etc., etc.). We are all victims of this, myself included from time to time.

The most profound realisation you can have is that more or less everything you need is pretty much right where you are, now. You can't live 50 different lives in one in order to find out which one would've turned out 'best', no matter how much you might wish you could!

You sound like you have a nice life 😀

Depends what boat you wanted to catch.

It's about now you're going to go through your MLC - i.e. you're not alone in having these feelings. Most of us decide to stick with the life we've made for ourselves - remember that bit about having children and the responsibility it brings? Ultimately, if you're [i]really[/i] unhappy, then sticking around could potentially have a negative impact on your family and their happiness (sharki?) You just have to be man enough to get over whatever blues you are currently experiencing and take a long view.

god no, the grass is always greener. i think its a healthy thing to have unfulfilled dreams otherwise what would you dream about? just as long as you are happy of course...

im similar in that im 31 with a 15 and 10 year old so have spent my entire adult life as a parent and most of it as a husband. i wouldnt change it though and like you im lucky that my partner is more than happy for me to go off biking for a week or weekend pretty often. most of my travelling ambitions will go unfulfilled which is a shame and if i could have done those things and still have the family i have now then i wouldve but i certainly wouldnt chose the travelling over my life the way it is now.

we always compromise on our family hols; for example this year we are going to tenerife cos my wife and daughter wanted a villa in the hills but a sunny beach holiday too and i of course wanted to take my bike so am booking a few days with lavatrax. there are ways to please everyone!

The grass is always greener on the other, er, boat.

Wot no_eyed_deer said.

Ton, from experience, profoundly scarring experience, don't have an affair, don't buy a motorbike and don't pretend to be anything other than yourself.

It wears off..

i have mates who live a playboy life work in teh city earn megabucks

holiday all over the world exotic adventures etc

am i jealous, yes!

would i swap my wife, son and the life we have, never!

I started typing a reply but it made me sound like some kind of Peter Pan so deleted it ... All I'll say Tony is before you do anything give it some serious thought/time. I'd also try and talk to the OH about how you're feeling, in my experience you might be surprised how much understanding you'll get.

I've definately missed [i]a[/i] boat. Probably a couple. Really lacked the drive when I left uni to get ahead at all and now I'm not where I wanted to be... Though that's had compensations too.

But, there are plenty other boats and in the meantime dry land is not bad at all.

Apologies to all, for I haven't read all the contributions here, yet.

Just two things:

1: No regrets !

2: Its not too late !!.

If you want it, you'll find a way, I'm sure.

😉

Much the same age as you Ton. And get the very same feeling sometimes. Cant help but think there's something cracking off somewhere & I'm not in on it. Wife is (hopefully) off to uni later this year, so thats me tending for our two boys while she trains as a midwife for 3 yrs. Bored at work, but with the Wife's plans I'll not be able to move far. Job is local, no commute so works well, but desperate to spread my wings a bit profesionally. About to split & sell off my expensive FS bike because it does nowt for me anynmore. Only thing I seem to live for these days is my ss & a new found love for running? Time of year doesnt help I think.

cheers fella's

think i need a big potion of mtfu.
feeling sorry for myself maybe, with still being off the bike/miserable time of year etc etc.....

ton - Member

feeling sorry for myself maybe, with still being off the bike/miserable time of year etc etc.....

You are not alone....

Ton it's carnival week in Brazil next week. The entire country. 170 million crazy people partying. So get yourself over here - it's sunny, 35 degrees, we'll grab some beers, drink cachaca, I know some great bars, we can go to the country side, swim in some lakes, hit the beach, you'll love it! 8)

Spent most of my 20's living in Ibiza so whilst my financial situation is not as comfortable as some, I'm glad I did it whilst other people were working and climbing the career ladder. It's all well and good preparing to be secure in old age but I may not live that long. I like to thi k I had my retirement in my 20's. Certainly don't get the urge to travel etc and I know I certainly won't have a mid life crisis. Not implying that anyone else is btw.

Spent most of my 20's living in Ibiza

Jealous. Wish I had but I'm too settled down/old now.

I like to think I had my retirement in my 20's

I spent my twenties being utterly broke and riding my bike in the woods, pretty much every day (thanks to hospital shift patterns).

Wouldn't have swapped for anything - unless it involved setting up home with Sandra Bullock.

Looking at my parents, they took earlyish retirement late 50s and started to do all the things they'd always wanted to, trekking in china, argentina etc. They live in their camper van for 3 months in the highlands and islands.

My view is that I plan to live long enough to fit it all in, although I put off having kids until my early 30s so I could see the far east, and USA.

Time to enjoy being a father and work hard to pay off the mortgage early for the next 15 years or so though... Maybe I'll feel like you then,,

blimey - not following your dream[s] and having any regrets is a BAD THING.

one life, one chance.......

Sounds like you're needing a new challenge in your life.

All is so well for you, that perhaps it's all to routine and predicable.

Not sure of the age of you youngest non flown kids, but how about learn something new with them and somehow incorporate that into a way of achieving those things you want to see of do..Fair enough if that's not so feasible without including the wife.

Is there anything that perhaps she wants to do, discuss with her and agree to do these things with her if possible..
She should then not really have a right in holding you back from doing your things, even if she's not part of them. So long as you can balance fairly, a life including her and the kids..

Travelling can take a lot of time, if your kids aren't far of reaching independence and age, then plan to have one adventure a year if you are able to. Once they've all flown the nest, you're wife can join you for adventures or hear about them when you return.

This day and age, too many people live in wonder and leave it often till the last minute to do all these things. Quite often at an age to not get the most out of it. Inspire your kids to try new things and see new places whilst you can..With any luck, they do the same before they to get bogged down with a family and when their in their 40's ask the same questions..

HTH..
Sharki. Jobless and homeless but free.

I have been on the other side of this to some extent. Twice I have sold all my possessions and set of to quench the wanderlust. Had a great time in many ways tho it did take a toll on my relationships and it did mean starting again at 30 from scratch. It means I will be mortgaged until I retire or longer, I have don't have the material possessions of many folk, I won't have a huge pension that I could have done.

So while I enjoyed being the wandering it has cost me significantly. Basically I am ten years behind were I could have been financially if I hadn't done it.

No kids as well - but then I never wanted them.

Its not too late for you if you want to do it but the cost can be high. the key ting is never regret. Make your choices and be happy in them

Spent most of my 20's living in Ibiza so whilst my financial situation is not as comfortable as some, I'm glad I did it whilst other people were working and climbing the career ladder. It's all well and good preparing to be secure in old age but I may not live that long. I like to thi k I had my retirement in my 20's. Certainly don't get the urge to travel etc and I know I certainly won't have a mid life crisis. Not implying that anyone else is btw.

Spent three years guiding all over Europe and in the West Indies, but also backpacked and lived in the 'states.

Terrible thing is that I now have a well-paid office job with a good company and nice people and it's - well - a little dull, if I'm honest.

i love my wife and kids, but sometimes feel i have let myself down by not being brave enough for following my dream.

am i being selfish for wanting this?

Well I think this is a case of the grass being greener. I'm in my late 30s and I've travelled a bit (more than some, less than others) and seen some strange things. Had some great times skiing/boarding, riding bikes. I've now got a big house and a correspondingly huge mortgage, but it is a reasonably sensible multiplier of my salary i.e. less than 3.

I'm not married, or in a relationship and I don't have kids. I am fast coming to the realisation that none of these things are going to happen to me. I too feel like I have missed the boat.

It doesn't matter what happens in your life. Making choices to do somethings necessarily means that you don't get to do others. No one gets to do everything that they wanted.

I travelled a lot during late teen and twenties, then got married had our first child then emigrated to Oz for a few years and we had our second child,then came back to the Highlands
Loving Highland life and good job etc but got an offer back to Oz and accepted it due to move at the end of this month. BUT last weekend while packing our belongings again, things became clear... we love living in the Highlands,Kids go to great schools etc
So we pulled the plug on moving back downunder but now we can look forward to good holidays in Europe and when the kids fly the roost we may venture on our travels again.

Good Luck

What if you had gone travelling?

[i]*Cue flashback music as Ton travels back to an alternative universe to learn that regretting the path not followed is the way of folly and madness*[/i]

pound - Member

mid 40's, married, no kids, paid off all my travelling debts, no bad vices apart from bike buying and talking about when I went to Indonesia.

I missed a boat once, and got stuck for another 10 days in Norway - we partied man, it was awesome.

I've still got a list of places i want to see and things i want to do, but I met some cool people and even met my wife, on a beach in Thailand. We left it too late to have kids, but we didn't want to be tied down in our 30s. I think my wife regrets this now, and maybe I do a bit too.

Anyway I get away on my bike whenever i want, i have a week away with friends every year, but i want to do/go somewhere bigger, even though I went to South America in my 20s and got drunk and partied a lot.

Sometimes I feel something missing inside me, even though I followed my dreams. I met this girl before I went travelling, but she wanted to settle down and have kids, which wasn't my bag. Now I can't stop thinking about her. I wish I could see her again.

Am i being selfish for wanting this?

Be happy with the choices you made. Change one thing in your past, change everything. Chaos Theory, fate, call it whatever, no use worrying about it, or blaming anyone near you for your decisions.

thebunk (I think I'm somewhere between ton and pound)

on the other hand. if you hadn't worked for what you have:
you could be poor, unemployed with no home or family and no interests.
your life appears o.k. really.

Bunk..............very well put mate. 8)

you never know whats around the corner .2 years or so ago i was chugging along minding my own , had done the 60 hours a week thing as a postie bringing the kids up mortgage etc etc .Since then had some health issues (thankfully turned around now ) took the money and run from job ,spent a brilliant 5 1/2 months in Whistler last Summer (unforgettable ! ) with wife's permission .Now looking for a part time job but realise that i could have stayed put in a job that was dragging me down until i was 65 and shuffled off to wait for the bloke with the cloak n sycle !

I didn't know there was a boat? Damn you!

[url= http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00y1xv1 ]you may want to listen to this[/url]

Cheers ton, chin up 😉

buzz-lightyear, there isn't a boat. But then there is. Then there are an infinite number of boats existing everywhere and nowhere at the same space and time, and at all points in space / time. Each boat is tied together with string, or doughnuts. Stringy doughnuts, if you will, like a pretzel but sweeter. The boats gently rock, backwards and forwards, backwards and forwards.

In some ways I wish I'd done some mad stuff, but looking back, I've raced cars and bikes, travelled to some great places, done a fair bit of skiing, bought a place in the Alps. My kids are healthy and my marriage is now pretty good, having wobbled some years back. I get paid far more than I need, doing a job I'm good at.

Sure, there are things I wish I'd done (and many I wish that I had not), and I hate having to work 60-70 hours a week, but then again I'll be able to retire in my 50s and have a good standard of living. That'll give me 20 years to do stuff before health issues start to get in the way, as they inevitably do.

At one point last year I was following my 10 year old son down the Les Lindarets DH, and thought that I was the luckiest man alive - watching him absolutely nailing it was a real buzz. At times like that, when you know that there's absolutely nowhere else in the world that you'd rather be, you know you've got it right.

I'll never be rich, I'll never be fast, and frankly, I couldn't care less. If there was a boat, I'm not bothered that I missed it.

ton, you sound like you have an excellent life.

I sometimes feel the same, and am in a very similar situtaion to yourself, except my boy is still only 2.

Yes I too have single mates, who get more money than I do, and who have the freedom to do what they want, for example some of them have just left today for a lads weekend to Krakow.

When my lad was born he was very ill, he has only just recovered from his problems, and is now back on track, but there were more than 1 occasions when we thought we were going to lose him.

I sometimes think what if I had still been in the RAF, never got married, left the RAF and pursued my dreams of becoming a climbing or biking guide in europe, with all the freedom in the world.

But then I think of what I have got, a beautiful family, a god job, money, no debts, and like you, I can still go away and have my time every now and then.

It is important to take a step back and remember that, When its a nice blue skied sunney day, and Im on my bike on my local hills, looking out, and I look down across my town, and can just make out my house, I think of how lucky I am. I know that when I get back in later that afternoon, my little boy will toddle over to me grining and happy to see me, my wife will make me a nice cuppa, and be pleased for me that I have had a nice time. I can then that evening sit back with a glass of wine and plan my annual biking or climbing trip with my mates later that year. And I then think, life is not that bad.

You do need to take a step back every now and then, and look at what you have and what you think you want, and more often than not, you will be pleasently surprised with the outcome.
🙂

im the flip side. i recently split with my girlfriend who i loved dearly cos she wanted to settle and have kids and i want to live an adventurous life. its been a few months but cos of the winter im still sat on my the arse. still questioning myself about the decision i made.

ton - I can see where you are coming from although I have gone past that MLC number!

OK, I'll be honest, yes I feel I have missed the boat. My ex was not interested in doing the things I wanted to do and felt I was being held back with my activities.

What really brings it home is approaching 50 particularly when you have done the marriage and kids thing. In my case I left my husband and bought a Litespeed.

But you think you are happily married so that's positive. Work on that and perhaps try and work out how you could do some different things/holidays/activities together. Try and meet each other halfway.

I feel that also there are so many choices these days and the world really has become a smaller place. Apologies - don't want to sound like an old fogey. 🙄

Hmm donuts. Probably the main boat I missed was getting on the housing ladder. First there were financial reasons, then there were relationship reasons, then psychological reasons and now there is no more time and not enough money again. TBH, I've never expected I'll reach retirement age given my genetic inheritance! Heck, should I waste energy on regrets?

Shame it's gonna rain all weekend.

Ton - it sounds like you're on a nice boat! - Count your blessings, thank god you're not living on a rubbish dump in a third world country.

If you've raised two kids in a loving happy home then you've already achieved one of life's great things 😀

Don't agonise over what you haven't done, think about what you're going to do 8)

but i want to do/go somewhere bigger.

if you know what you want to do:
take a career/ job break, go and do it and come back

if you don't spend some time working it out before you do anything otherwise 12 months off becomes 9 months on the sofa

Hi Ton

Just came across this thread. You're not selfish for thinking about what you could have done, but like others have advised, you've managed to achieve a lot in raising your kids. Honestly, would you trade any amount of experiences or adventures for the joy you've had with your children?

Don't sweat it, it's just that time of year, still crap weather and long nights but with the promise of spring and the lure of a new start. Get out on your bike and plan a few summer events.

Of course, there's nothing to stop you taking a few small steps - is there a practicable option for you to take a month off over summer and go for an extended family holiday? It needn't be prohibitively expensive, even camping around Britain could be fun, or you could ride the Cambrian Way / West Highland Way with your kids (if they're into biking too). I'm planning ahead to do the Cambrian with my boys, and they're only 5 and 2 now.

Best of luck, mate

Life is short.. it is not a dress rehearsal..

Whoever or whatever is in charge of this experience.. be it a supreme being.. universal energy... your divineself.. or the light of love..

whoever it is that is in charge would surely want you to wring every last drop of experience out of your time here..?

listen to the voices.. your wife would run off to Malagar with Tom Petty leaving you crying into your all-bran without a second thought if she got the opportunity..

be selfish.. everyone else is or wishes they could be..

Sounds like a midlife crisis?

'Normal' feelings dude, dont feel guilty sounds like you've given plenty to the family and i'm sure they love you lots, etc....

Not a feeling I've ever had.

Ton, a mate of mine once said:

"The key to a happy life is balancing the fact that every day could be your last, against the risk that it probably isn't".

From what I see (not much!) you have a grand life and attitude to go with it. 😉

i dont feel it is a midlife crisis.
did all my boozing and birding in my younger rugby days.
ride when i want, wherever i want.

just feeling a bit down i suppose, but thanks for all the advice and good words fella's.

me and the mrs have just had a good cal, and the out come is, we are gonna start looking for a good sized campervan over the weekend.
with plans to ride the lejog once i am well again, with the wife and daughter following me as back up.
gonna do it over 2 weeks and make a nice holiday off it.

more time out in the great outdoors with my family might be all i need to buck me up.............. 8)

nah, not bothered about "things"and lifestyle choices. I think. It is very hard to decide what to think is important and valuable. no one ever said life was gonna be easy!

Spot on idea there ton.

Sounds like the beginning of more good times.

more time out in the great outdoors with my family might be all i need to buck me up..............

sounds like a plan to me, also the bike you buy for it might fit me 😉

feel free to make me a offer on my bike of choice big n daft

[img] [/img]

😉

Sounding pretty upbeat there ton. 🙂

Blimey, that's some challenge you're setting yourself! Do hope that body of yours gets fixed very soon cos it's bound to have another bike to get used to. 😉

CG...........been for a ultrasound scan on my heart today.
it sounded like a dodgy hippo water pump....... 😉

Lol presumably a wait to see a specialist now?

Life's like a computer. You need to reboot every so often.

There must be stuff you've always wanted to do (but never done) that wouldn't cause your normal life to implode?. Backpacking somewhere culturally different for a few weeks, climbing a big mountain, I don't know, make a list and pick one thing from it each year or 6 months.
I'm doing the Black Cuillin traverse on Skye this year and the three Peaks Challenge. Next year maybe Vietnam or Laos on the cheap out of a rucksack, certainly a short backpacking trip to somewhere different. Passport Du Soleil is on the list to do in the next few years along with one or two other MTB things.

Same as ton. Married, had the kids, ones just left home, had the business to look after. Never really wanted for anything.
Though I'm in my early fifties and still think I have plenty of time.

I'll tell you though. when we were younger it wasn't that easy to travel. Tours to the Alps or more exotic places for anything weren't available unless you were a Rothschild.
I remember wanting to go to Kilimanjaro decades ago. There were no online companies that would sort it for you. You literally had to risk your life over there and sort it out day by day with tribesmen.
You haven't missed the boat, it's just that there wasn't any boat to miss when we were younger.
Edit; BTW my wife hates my cycling with a passion. When our first child was born she was very premature and quite ill. However I continued to race until the pressure of an ill first child and racing meant I ended up unconcious wedged between a door and the toilet pan, firemen had to get in through a window to get to me....that's selfish and fulfilling your dream.