Just walked past 2 girls in the office and heard.....
"Shut up! Seriously? You can't liken a shark to a piece of cheese!"
I dread to think. Any other memorable ones spring to mind?
And... yes I'm really really really bored. They won't let us go home though go home, even though theres nowt to do
"...so I gave her a pearl necklace".
Getting off a train once a girl in front of me was talking to her friend and all I heard was "...and that's why I don't think I'm a necrophiliac". I really want to know the working out.
VERY bristolian couple having an argument outside the chippy. The lady says; "I LOVES YOU, I ****S YOU, I BUYS YOU CHIPS".
Poetic.
I was in McDonald's back in June, the girl on the table next to me turned to her friend and said "is it the May bank holiday soon?"
'oooh stop it, your giving me a wide on'
Woman with son at check-out in Woolies a few years ago:
"How many times have I told you? It's not is we, it's am we" 😯
Smart young couple on Sloane Street.
Her to him - "No, no, no. Wait until I'm [i]really[/i] drunk and [i]then[/i] tell me"
Just wish I knew what it was!
Driving the bus one day, could barely hear a guy behind me "ps dg bh huj" etc, really quiet.
Then, as clear as a bell, "no, don't go for a shower just now, wait until I get there"
Cue several of the other passengers looking up in amazement.
2 girls talking --" it's just like having a shit backwards "
i was sat behind two guys in the pub the other day and they mentioned the word 'Psychopath' about 50 odd times during an ongoing conversation about what may have been a work colleague or someone they new at least!
Cafe the other day, heard two lads talking. One said to the other : "My favourite thing is to work through an Excel spreadsheet."
Only in Surrey eh?
In a Bristol cafe last week - two BristolUni students talking to each other:
Him: I need to go up to Leeds early next year
Her: Where's Leeds - is it in Cornwall?
In a restaurant in Oman about ten years back. There was a guy on the opposite table who'd already drawn our attention and amusement because he had that odd, reddish sort of hair colour that some Asians have, styled a bit like the Statue of Liberty - bald at the crown and madly upstanding at the fringe.
During one of those coincidental, sudden quiet spells you sometimes get in public places, we overhead his sing-song English voice say to the bloke opposite him "of course he's [i]mental[/i] you know!"
Many moons ago on the top floor of a bus I was sat behind two middle aged ladies.
As we went though a housing estate I saw a rather strange caravan. Then I realised it was something like Top Gear tried to replicate on the cheap. It was a proper caravan but was vaguely pointy and at the back has space for an outboard.
Strange enough. But it also had a healthy size TV aerial.
On top of which was a (real) brightly coloured bird.
The two in front stop nattering and one says : Look at that parrot!" The other said "Its not a parrot, its a Macaw".
And then back to the discussion of prices at the supermarket. Not one question of why a macaw should be sat on a floating caravan's TV aerial in the middle of Marcham.
About 2 years ago in a Chinese in York with Mrs Monkeysfeet. Late evening, and the races have been on. 2 guys and a girl walk in, very very drunk and very well spoken. The girl asks one of the guys "where is Janet", to which one of the guys very loudly states "Good God lorraine, Janet will be getting fu##ed by Lionel by now!!!"
😯
Last week, while waiting to get served in a pub
Snotty lady behind us 'do you know they charge £1.50 for a penny in Harrords'
Followed by another bloke shouting 'you can have a pint of my piss for a £1'
I guess you had to be there, it was funny at the time 😉
This was overheard in the queue for Cream back in the Nineties
"His bell end is bigger than me fist"
Some things you never forget eh !
Mate is a teacher. Has an 8 year old daughter. Saw him in town, asked why he was off on a school day. Daughter promptly replied that it was an incest day.
Overheard in Bristol Parkway station many many years ago -
(Automated drinks machine) - "Thankyou for your purchase. please enjoy your Klix Drink"
(Two old dears with two fresh hot cups of muddy water) - "OOOoooo, nooo, thankYOU!"
[quote=mr potatohead ]2 girls talking --" it's just like having a shit backwards "
On the way back from Centre Parcs?
Edit - no, can't write that... NSFW
in stockton on tees earlier this year, "****in ell, this methadone's bunging me up, haven't been for a sh1t for days"
In Sainsbury's healthcare aisle last year:
Man on mobile, looking at pregnancy testing kits.
"Of course dogs have hormones. Just like women. So shall I get the cheapest?" 😯
Two blokes talking i just caught "thats f*^k all. I once hit a horse"
mr potatohead - Member
2 girls talking --" it's just like having a shit backwards "
😯 😀
"Shut up! Seriously? You can't liken a shark to a piece of cheese!"
I had the honour/misfortune this year to try the Icelandic dish, Hákarl, this is shark that has been allowed to decay for a number of months. Rotten shark is chosen instead of fresh shark meat because the meat of the Greenland shark is poisonous when fresh. When the pack is first opened the smell of ammonia is very powerful but texture wise, if you have not gagged at this stage, it reminded me of strong cheese or tofu...I wonder if that is what they were talking about
One said to the other : "My favourite thing is to work through an Excel spreadsheet."Only in Surrey eh?
Wonder what Stoner was doing in Surrey.
Two lads at work were joking about what joke secret Santa present they could buy for another in their team, one jokingly suggested anal beads, the girl (who bears a striking resemblance to 'nanny' from the Count Duckula TV cartoon series) sat nearby thinks they are having a serious chat about what to buy and offers her opinion on the matter. (In a very broad Yorkshire accent)
'I wouldn't get them those, they're a bugger to clean, and get right sticky after a while...'
What has been heard cannot be unheard.
The daughter of a work colleague's partner asked him recently if it's true you can buy a strawberry sundae on a Saturday. She's 20. 😕
Not strictly overheard but my wife came out with this cracker at the weekend
"If I hadn't done so much drugs when I was younger I would have been like Stephen hawking just without the wheelchair"
While I was standing next to a replica of the Hiroshima bomb I heard american lady ask her friend if this was the actual bomb they dropped.
Not strictly on topic but back in the debauched hazy days of our youth, in a shared house, my mate wondered into my room whilst I was entertaining a beautiful young lady..
He announced in a clear and loud voice (although his eyes told a different story) 'we are from the letter 'S'.... S, P... SPEE' and when prompted to expand on this, he informed us 'well I don't know [i]what[/i] she wants.. She's standing on a stack of bibles'
He then clumsily turned and fumbled with the door before letting himself out
In a pub in Charlton , south east London , when 2 local girls were talking about a recipe using white pudding they had seen a chef on TV make, one girl had never had white pudding and inquired what it was so the other one told her (dons a mockney sarf Landon accent) "well you know black pudding is made from blood like? well white pudding is made from the white blood cells innit" they then discussed how the blood was separated in one of them spiny things like in the lab at school. then talked about a peado teacher ,love London boozers 🙄
My mum, looking out of the bus window - "look at all those bollocks". Er... bollards mum.
Many years ago in College, everyone was chatting so there was an audible hum around and difficult to hear anything. Anyway one guy next to my desk was talking about how he was being followed by another mate in their cars, the teacher walks, everyone but him falls immediately silent just as he finishes the sentence 'and he was right up my arse'.
I was once a victim of this...standing in the school playground with my (very) small boy waiting for his classroom door to be unlocked
Couple of mums discussing a possible paedophile that was hanging around the school earlier in the week
My boy pipes in a very loud, very clear voice, "You've got them on your computer haven't you dad?"
Eventually dawned on me that he was talking about PDF files
they then discussed how the blood was separated in one of them spiny things like in the lab at school
To be fair, they're more or less right about how you do leucophoresis.
My father in law, a now retired pathologist - knocked his mobile in his pocket during a post mortem and accidentally called our house phone ( my wife's name begins with A and is the first name in his contacts).
We came home that evening to an answering machine message from him which gave pretty graphic details about the circumstances of a mans death and descriptions of the removal and examination of various organs.
Best thing was when we spoke to him a week or so later and mentioned it, he totally denied that it had been him until I went into some of the details! 😀
On Bristol Bridge, on a Saturday night, waiting for the pedestrian crossing lights to change.
One young lady to another: "And then he came right in my face..."
Mrs M wouldn't let me hang around to hear more.
In a street in Dublin, two men, one looking like a builder and the other looking like the owner of the building, gazing up at a gable end and the "owner" says:
"Well, it's one of those things that needs doing sooner rather than later and in fact I'd sooner it was done sooner rather than later."
He announced in a clear and loud voice (although his eyes told a different story) 'we are from the letter 'S'.... S, P... SPEE' and when prompted to expand on this, he informed us 'well I don't know what she wants.. She's standing on a stack of bibles'He then clumsily turned and fumbled with the door before letting himself out
Having read this several times I have no idea what you're/he was talking about. Is that the point? 😕
If there's ever been an equivalent thread on a Norwegian message board, someone might be questioning why two somewhat drunk Brits were walking through Rjukan town center discussing how far you could fling a flaming badger using a trebuchet...
Two teenaged lads walking down the street.
Lad 1. Well, I didn't like it!
Lad 2. You don't need to do it again.
Lad 1. No, no I might eat her out again, it wasn't that bad.
Lad 2. Well at least she was wet when you were licking her out. She was dry as a bone when the I started.
Two elderly ladies of the Joan Hickson as Miss Marple type were sitting a few seats away from me on the train.
As they walked past me to get off at their stop I heard one of them say
"...and it was about a foot long and as thick as my arm....."
I assume it was a description of a tree branch as they'd been talking about gardening for most of the journey
Two recent gems at work.
A colleague chatting on the phone describing someone as being "Sharp as a monkey."
Another colleague explaining to a lost visitor in our building how the floor numbering system worked. "We're on the first floor, then comes the second floor, then the third and then the fourth."
Last one from me. Just after the Berlin wall fell we visited Dachau. Essentially you spend hours looking at people killed through horrible means. At one point there is a pile of shoes that were removed from corpses. An American family had followed us around, and at this pile of shoes the dad wanted a photo. "For Christ'sakes why don't you lot ever smile for my photographs!"
muddyground - Member
Last one from me. Just after the Berlin wall fell we visited Dachau. Essentially you spend hours looking at people killed through horrible means. At one point there is a pile of shoes that were removed from corpses. An American family had followed us around, and at this pile of shoes the dad wanted a photo. "For Christ'sakes why don't you lot ever smile for my photographs!"
Had the same thing when I visited auschwitz / birkinau 18 months ago. A couple of American arseholes smiling and giving the thumbs up in photos all around the camp. At one point the tour guide was telling us that the pit & building is where inmates would grind the bones of corpses into dust to dispose of evidence before dumping en mass into the pit. At the same time this pair were grinning like goons for the camera. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I couldn't of believed folk could behave this way!
In the Hilton in Pattaya for brunch with family.
Old sexpat type and his new pay, I presume his regular
" did you stay out with anybody last night?
"no I only went short time. "
" only the once? "
" no 3 times but I knew I was meeting you today"
It takes a trip to scum and sun Pattaya to reinforce my love of people.
scruff9252 - Member
If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I couldn't of believed folk could behave this way
I was in New York in May 2012 and walked passed Ground Zero, which was still a smoking hole in the ground.
The number of people posing in front of the railings for pictures was pretty horrible.
2 ladies biked past me the other way and heard
"..and then he sprayed it all up my back"
I was intrigued !
njee20 - yeah, that's pretty much how I felt about the whole sordid episode.. the same mate pissed on my feet once too
"Over there, that's where I lost my v. No, my other v."
Mother in Woking town centre today to her 3 yr old: Dave! don't do that Dave, get back here now Dave or i'll.....
A mate of mine was visiting his home town of Boston when he saw a little boy run up to a shop window and place his hands on the glass, gaze adoringly at the contents within and exclaim "Look Mummy, books!", before being dragged away with "**** BOOKS, WE'RE GETTIN CHIPS!!" ringing in his little ears.
Same friend was once propositioned (again in Boston) with "Eeh, gerrover 'ere an' shoot yer muck up us".
you're not talking about Boston Massachusetts are you?Eeh, gerrover 'ere an' shoot yer muck up us
two small boys, maybe 8-10, walking 20ft behind their parents on a stroll along the Grantham canal....
"And basically thats why dogs lick their testicles"
A mate of mine was visiting his home town of Boston when he saw a little boy run up to a shop window and place his hands on the glass, gaze adoringly at the contents within and exclaim "Look Mummy, books!", before being dragged away with "**** BOOKS, WE'RE GETTIN CHIPS!!" ringing in his little ears.
Given all the other shit in the news, that story just made me unreasonably sad.
Chap next to me at Post Office yesterday;
"Can I send this guaranteed delivery please?"
Post office lady; "it'll have to go Registered, will there be someone there to sign for it?"
Chap; "I hope so, it's a prison"
In B&M Bargains in Penrith, admittedly probably a great place for this type of thing.
Couple obviously talking about ebola.
Man said "there are going to be zombies walking down the street. I'm just going to run them over"
I was tempted to join in but really didn't know where to start or what they would understand.
Sitting watching Avatar with MiL and FiL, just at the bit of the film where they are flying through the floating mountains MiL proclaims:
"They filmed this bit in New Zealand!"
Think I've posted this here before:
Calling a timber yard to get some prices - give my order - guy on the other end puts the phone down on the desk while he puts the quote together.
I'm not on hold so I can now hear all the office chit chat
He says to the woman next to him:
Him "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes"
theres a pause
Her (disbelievingly) "What?"
Him "Nothing, you've already told her twice"
Theres another longer pause.
Her, tersely, "You what?"
Him "What do you tell a woman with two black eyes"
Her ".............WHAT!?
Him "Nothing, you've already told her twice"
pause
WHAT!!!!!!
Him "I said- What do you tell... err, call, erm... it doesn't matter"
Silence
Phone gets picked up "He'll call you back"
He didn't and I never saw him there again
Was in Tesco many moons ago and overheard two young mothers talking
Mother No1 asks, "Have you read Posh Spice's new book?"
Mother No2 replies, "No. I saw a copy in WH Smiths but it looked too long."
Priceless.
Priceless
Katie Priceless
Walking around a stately home with MrsMC a few years back, some toddlers were climbing on some antique chairs with "Please keep off the chairs" notices on them.
Their exasperated mother suddenly grabbed one child, pointed at the sign and said "I know you can't read but what does that say?"
Young couple in a pub one saturday afternoon
Girl texting 'how do you spell Edinburgh?'
Guy 'e d i n b o r o!'
Well I suppose it makes sense as it was in Leith.?
Girl at work explaining to another colleague all about feltching!
Chatting to a guy in a pub in Dublin, I mention I'm from birmingham. He says 'my brother lives in Brum, do you know him?'
He was surprised that I didn't.
I [b]bow[/b] to your editing skillz.
Edited.
We lived in New Zealand for a year and had this a fair amountHe was surprised that I didn't.
The year was 1999. The place was Maggie's Bar, Mojacar, Southern Spain.
We were there for Maggie's Special Breakfast: full English, 8 oz steak and a pint of lager. With rotten hangovers, we sat at a table next to a young family.
Girl, about 5: [fiddling with cutlery]
Dad: "STOP doing that"
Boy, about 7: "...daddy..."
Mum: "Now love, you know your dad doesn't like you playing with your knife & fork."
Girl: [still fiddling]
Boy: "...daddy..."
Dad (to wife): "I swear, if she doesn't stop that..."
Boy: "...Daddy..."
Mum (to husband): "Their food will be here soon. They're just bored."
Boy: "..Daddy!.."
Girl: [fiddling steps up a notch and knocks over dad's breakfast pint]
Dad: "Oh, FOR FU..."
Boy: "..DADDY!!!..."
Dad (incandescent with rage): "WWWHHHAAAAATTTTT??????!!!!!"
Boy: "I think I've shat myself"
We had to leave the place there and then, we were laughing so much.
ian martin - MemberChatting to a guy in a pub in Dublin, I mention I'm from birmingham. He says 'my brother lives in Brum, do you know him?'
He was surprised that I didn't.
My brother's travelled a lot over the last few years, and he gets asked this everywhere he goes (only with Edinburgh). Bizarrely though it's almost always someone he knows.
On tour in digs and the following took place today with the Musical director looking for a single fork while the dishwasher is on.
MD - I can't open the Dishwasher?
Me - Why?
MD - because there's a block of water in there right now
Me - Eh?! ( Door opened,fork handed over, wash continued, MD learns a new thing)
