[Closed] Favourite comedy one-liners

From absolutely fabulous many years ago:

Saffy: Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.
Edina: Yeah? I though that it was talking to you.

Richard Rich: [on phone] Hello, Filthy Ralph, what do you want, got me any work? Listen, I'm jaded with the tired, shallow world of TV light entertainment. I yearn to thread the boards again. I fancy Shakespeare.
Edward Catflap: [listenening in on the other line] Which considering he's a bloke and dead, makes you a homosexual necrophiliac.

Ghostbusters, Bill Murray "OK, so she's a dog" about sigourney weaver being the ahem gate keeper.....

I was in tears the first time I watched Raising Arizona:

Evelle: [about the balloons he just bought] These blow up into funny shapes and all?
Grocer: Well no... unless round is funny.

(Has to be done in the accent really!)

The two ronnies-"Fork handles"
Thread closed.

"Never pour water on a chip pan fire, it'll take your face off"

AbFab:

Edina: "Inside me there is a thin person trying to get out!"
Mother: "Just the one, dear?"

😀

HAce you got the scrolls?
No, it's just the way I walk

In fact, just about anything from Morecambe & Wise

Bloke to ugly woman - Did you used to be a man?
Reply - No, did you?

My favourite. Its a visual gag:

Peter Sellers is standing at the front desk of a hotel and sees a dog lying by the front door.

Clouseau: "Does your dog bite?"

Hotel clerk: "Non"

Clouseau bends down to pet the dog; it growls and then bites him.

Clouseau: "Aaargh, I thought that you said your dog does not bite!"

Hotel clerk: "Oui, monsieur, but that is not my dog."

Airplane/Naked Gun is the motherlode of one-liners.

Surely you can't be serious

Not really a one liner but the "teaching Baldrick mathematics" part of Blackadder II is genius:

Another Blackadder one:
"But this is sort of a war isn't it?"
"Yes, there was one *tiny* flaw in the plan"
"Really sir, what was that?
"It was [b]bollocks[/b]

Needs the Blackadder delivery to make it work.

Smell my cheese you mother

Another Blackadder that still has me giggling:

"I have the preliminary etchings"

As good as it gets, has a few:

[i]Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you[/i]

[i]Where did they teach you to talk like that, in some Panama City 'Sailor wanna hump-hump' bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey?.[/i]
[i][b]Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here[/b][/i]

😉

anything pretty much from see no evil, hear no evil has me chuckling

[b][i]yes, im really blind man what are you f**g deaf? YES,? I'M F**G DEAF!![/b][/i]

The Young Ones, scene in a church yard.

"Do you dig graves?"
"Yeah, yeah, they're allright, yeah"

eric morcambe climbs out of bed. walks over to the window and while shutting it an ambulance goes past with its sirens on. he turns to ernie wise and says
"he won't sell many ice creams at that speed"

im laughing at it while writing it down.

anything pretty much from see no evil, hear no evil has me chuckling

yes, im really blind man what are you f**g deaf? YES,? I'M F**G DEAF!!

Fuzzy wuzzy was a woman?

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

John Belushi in Animal House.

"You f##ked up, you trusted us."

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

Rumack: Captain, how soon can you land?
Captain Oveur: I can't tell.
Rumack: You can tell me. I'm a doctor.
Captain Oveur: No. I mean I'm just not sure.
Rumack: Well, can't you take a guess?
Captain Oveur: Well, not for another two hours.
Rumack: You can't take a guess for another two hours?

From Ghostbusters

- And it was all OK until dickless here turned the machine off
- Is this true?
Bill Murray - Yes. This man has no dick.

I missed the next 10 mins of the film when I forst saw it! 😀

A plan so cunning you can brush your teeth with it

Some people on here can't count 😉

He's not the messiah. He's a very naughty boy.

I'm being beaten up by the inventor of the dictionary.

"I've got the key to the gates of paradise; but I've got too many legs!"

Just me?

oh.

I got stung by a bee the other day...
£9 for a jar of honey

Does Magna Carta mean nothing to you? Did she die in vain?

Hancock's half hour.

And of course Tony Hancock is the only person to be named after four body parts.

And of course Tony Hancock is the only person to be named after four body parts.

And Edward Woodward is the only man with three wooden heads.

Thanks Bridesmaid, like the beard. It gives me something to hang on to!

Don't disturb my friend. Hes dead tired.

Sally, you know when I said I'd kill you last?

(yeah you did Major)

I lied.

Airplane:

Air Hostess: How do you like your coffee Sister?

Nun: strong and black, like my men

Where is he?

I let him go.

I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes, I'm going to shoot you in the balls!

Let off some steam Bennett.

How will we know the call sign Major?

Cos all ****ing hell is going to break loose.

I nevet forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

Donk - I get it. Couldn't see for the tears.

You can’t steal a warehouse, It’s big. It’s heavy. It’s stuck to the ground.

Another Blackadder

"Bob"

Hehe

Hora, Arnie's name in Commando was John MATRIX!

Good one liners though!

Oh yes and he was a Colonel. Do'h! 😀

I love listening to your little piss ant soldiers trying to talk tough, they make me laugh. If Matrix was here, he'd laugh too

Operator: "can i ask whos talking please?"

Person: "yes....you are"

The Jerk

That's Sh*t, this Shinola

Sh*t, Shinola

you're going to be alright

'Seinfeld - The Contest'

Kramer - I'M OUT

From Flying High/Airplane:

"Ever since then, I've had this terrible drinking problem"

(misses mouth and throws drink down front)

More from Red Dwarf:

Cat: "Forget red - let's go all the way up to brown alert!"
Kryten: "There's no such thing as a brown alert sir."
Cat: "You won't be saying that in a minute!"

I just want to tell you, we're all counting on you.

Needs a thick scots accent and a cake to point at:

"Is that a cake or a meringue?"

Pretty much every time I see a cake. I never get bored, but I can't say the same for everyone else!

"We have Clearance Clarence"
"Roger Roger, Whats our vector victor?"

Just kills me every time..

"Nice beaver"
"Thank you - I just had it stuffed"
Video [url=

Another Red Dwarf

Cat [to Rimmer]: What is it?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat [to Lister]: What is it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat [to Rimmer]: What is it?
Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat [to Lister]: What is it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?

"We have a problem in the cockpit"
"The cockpit?! What is it?"
"It's the little room at the front of the plane where the pilots sit but that's not important right now"

From Kingpin.

You just shut up, mister!
l don't know who you think you are..but if you don't wiggle those
childbearing hips out that door...you're going to find your nose
sniffing my big Amish ass!

Loads of great one liners in that movie

More airplane:

Ted Striker: I flew single engine fighters in the Air Force, but this plane has four engines. It's an entirely different kind of flying altogether.
Rumack, Randy: [together] It's an entirely different kind of flying.

Rumack: I won't deceive you, Mr. Striker. We're running out of time.
Ted Striker: Surely there must be something you can do.
Rumack: I'm doing everything I can... and stop calling me Shirley!

Captain Flasheart:

"Treat your kite like you treat your woman... Get inside her five times a day and take her to Heaven and back!"

Snatch:

[i]Should I call you bullet ?, tooth?.[/i]
[i]You can call me Susan if it makes you happy ![/i]

Avi.
[i]I'm gettin' heartburn. Tony, do something terrible.[/i]

Tony.
[i]Boris the Blade? As in Boris the Bullet-Dodger?[/i]
Avi.
[i]Why do they call him the Bullet-Dodger?[/i]
Tony.
[i]'Cause he dodges bullets, Avi[/i]

.
Vinny.
[i]I thought you said he was a getaway driver. What the **** can he get away from, eh?[/i]

And the scene with Boris stepping around in the street, hands tied with a teacosy on his head, was quite funny.

"Treat your kite like you treat your woman... Get inside her five times a day and take her to Heaven and back!"

I watched that particular episode with my Mum and I remember going bright red and looking at the floor when my Mum caught me laughing at that.

Must have been 10yrs old when it came out/shown on tv.

G.W. Bush:

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

and:

"They misunderestimated me."

No Monty Python yet?

From Life of Brian:

Man: I think it was, "Blessed are the cheesemakers"!
Gregory's wife: What's so special about the cheesemakers?
Gregory: Well, obviously it's not meant to be taken literally. It refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.

Cracks me up everytime 😀

More Snatch:

Avi: London.
Rosebud: London?
Avi: London.
Avi's Colleague: London?
Avi: Yes, London. You know: fish, chips, cup 'o tea, bad food, worse weather, Mary f*cking Poppins... LONDON.

Oh, it's MEEK. Blessed are the meek!

Aww, that's nice, isn't it? They have a hell of a time.

In fact, basically the entire script of Snatch.

Just reading a quotes page and psml 🙂

Tyrone:
I don't want that dog dribbling on my seats.
Vinny:
Your seats? Tyrone, this is a stolen car, mate.

How shall we **** off O Lord?

Eric Morcombe to Andre Previn:
"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order"

Thin Blue Line.

"Remember, it's your c0ck up; my ar53!"

Here is the clip for Seinfeld 'The Contest'

Kramer is genius.

[url=

No Father Ted yet?

Dont' forget Lock Stock:

Rory breaker:
[i]Your stupidity must be your one saving grace[/i]

Nick the greek:
[i]Uh?[/i]

Rory:
[i]Don't "uh" me Greek boy! How is it that your ****ing stupid, soon-to-be-dead friends thought they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me? Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white c**t's joke that black c**ts don't get? 'Cause Im not ****ing laughing Ni-ko-las![/i]

another.
Soap:
[i]A little bit of pain never hurt anybody, if you know what I mean.[/i]

Bacon:
[i]Harry didn't think that he did a very good job, so he grabbed the nearest thing to hand, which just so happened to be a 15 inch black rubber c**k, and proceeded to beat poor old Smithy to death with. And that was seen as a nice way to go. Now, that, is why you pay Hatchet Harry, when you owe.[/i]

And one of my favs.

Nick the Greek:
[i]Just get me a sample.[/i]
Tom:
[i]No can do[/i]
Nick the Greek:
[i]What's that? Some place near Katmandu? Meet me halfway, mate.[/i]

And loads more.

Christ how can I forget Lockstock.

If you're being chased by a police dog, don't run over a little see-saw, through a tunnel and jump through a hoop of fire - they train for that.

and

I used to be a forensic pathologist. I thought I was looking at a snowman massacre. Turned out it was a carrot field.

Milton Jones

My wife was in the attic the other day. Filthy dirty and covered with cobwebs but she's good with the kids.

My wife wanted a face lift. They couldn’t do it, so for £20 they lowered the rest of her body.

Tommy Cooper

From Dodgeball

Lance : Quit? You know, once I was thinking of quitting when I was diagnosed with brain, lung and testicular cancer all at the same time. But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and won the Tour de France 5 times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying of that's keeping you from the finals?

Peter LaFleur : Right now it feels a little bit like shame.

Funniest thing on this thread is still Eric Morecambe and the ambulance

There's a show I've been following lately called 'Better Off Ted', which is just brilliant for snappy dialogue. Here's the synopsis from IMDB:

Veridian Dynamics is a large corporation that invents, tests and markets everything from deadly pumpkins to beef that tastes like despair. Ted works there as a manager. He's a good and sane man in a heartless--and often insane--corporate environment. The comedy in this series comes from seeing just how insane work at Veridian can be and the hoops Ted jumps through to keep the insanity in check.

Each episode begins with a commercial for Veridian Dynamics, parodies of commercials put out by real world corporations. These commercials are so biting--and funny--one wonders who would dare advertise on a show like this. Portia De Rodsi steals the show as Ted's boss, Veronica, who embodies all that is beautiful, perfect, devious and heartless at Veridian. Veronica is the kind of woman who likes having Ted's young daughter around, because her presence makes it easier for Veronica to fire people.

The show never lets you get too comfortable, and that's a good thing. It is brilliant, hysterically funny and original, so much so that it's a wonder it hasn't been taken off the air . . . yet. Catch it while you can.

"I'm Brian and so is my wife"

"He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy"

And for so many classic Blackadder lines...
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Blackadder

Perry: "Look up idiot in the dictionary, know what you'll find?"

Harry: "A picture of me?"

Perry: "No, a definition of the word idiot, which you ****ing are!"

Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang, Val Kilmer and Robert Downey Jr.

"We'll have to get him to hospital"

"A hospital, why, what is it?"

"It's a big building full of patients. But that's not important right now....."