[Closed] Farting

[url= http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/i-havent-been-able-to-fart ]sharting is no laughing matter[/url]

No, my mum and dad were farting and laughing about it well into old age.

It's the one thing I truly miss being able to do as a result of my ileostomy.

I hate anyone that still has the ability...

My 8 year old lad took out a 5th Dan Sensei at karate tonight with an outdoor strength egg-bomb. It was truly disgusting.

I wake up every morning, get up, walk into the bathroom, then pass wind like somebody slowly tearing a heavy velvet curtain inside a shipping container. While s****ing away to myself.

It's usually the best part of the day 🙂

My daughter farts like an Israeli Paratrooper.

Mrs. S let one rip last night and it's a wonder we weren't surrounded by Vikings, it was hilarious and I was still chuckling as I fell asleep

My daughter farts like an Israeli Paratrooper.

I ride up to my grandson's school every Monday afternoon and we ride the 2.8 miles back to our house. His dad drops his bike off in the morning and it is mostly downhill. He's only 6 and I noticed he has to stop pedalling and stand up to fart.
I explained that as a long time fixed wheel rider the absolute pinnacle of cycling skill is to fart while pedalling.
We both practised a bit and giggled the rest of the way home.

Since I gave up smoking and switched to vaping, every time I change juices, my farts go into meltdown mode!

It's brilliant.

I once lay in a hospital bed in the middle of the night, across the ward from a chap who the previous day had eaten his first solid meal in a month.

I have never, ever, before or since, heard such massive, earth-trembling and downright awe inspiring arse trumpets.

I was really, really laughing. Unfortunately I'd just had a hernia op, so laughing really, really hurt 🙁

I work with an ex Israeli paratrooper. I've never heard him fart. Maybe he's lost the skill.

Protein powders are especially productive for me

i had a chick pea curry for lunch. I'm vesuvius level now.

I was once berated my MrsIHN for 'always farting' after I trumped in the kitchen whilst she was cooking;

"Sorry dear, you're right. Anyway, what's for dinner?"

"Egg and lentil curry"

Not in my experience (53) 🙂

CFH can you start a Ski thread, I've something to post

Since I gave up smoking and switched to vaping, every time I change juices, my farts go into meltdown mode!

Farting. Does it ever stop being funny?

Stupidest question ever.

😀

*parp*

I remember once staying in a youth hostel and the bunk room had about 20 beds, all full of men from various countries. After lights out someone farted, some giggled and then someone else farted and a few more laughed. Farts cross international language barriers!

Interesting fact: the human rectum is equipped with nerves that allow the brain to know the difference between solid, liquid and gaseous contents.

Usually.

Farts cross international language barriers!

Altogether now...!

I'd like to teach the world to farting
In perfect harmony.....

Nothing funnier than a dog being surprised by it's own fart. Comedy gold.

My, nearly 2 year old daughter has a nasty cough a little while ago, that and coupled with being blessed with her father genes she has now earned the nick name - Alice Von Coffenfart.

The coughs don't hide it, they just make it funnier

I was astounded at work recently because someone farted at the urinals and another person accused them of being disgusting!! If you cant fart in the toilet where can you fart. I, on the other hand, was chuckling to myself as it was quite a resounding raspberry 😀

My dog farting is NOT funny.

Everyone loves a fart joke.
My party trick BITD was lighting my farts... I remember being away on holiday with friends and at the last minute a newcomer who was "Very Reserved" had joined the group - during reminiscing about younger days I was reminded of said trick. The look of disgust on this girls face meant I just had to bring back the glory days... cue sometime later that night I grabbed a lighter - even PoFace was pissing herself laughing...

Sometimes, my guts are just wrong at the moment - and have been for months now, I let out these tiny, tiny little flufs (not big enough to be a fart) and they're appaling and NEVER go away, I walked into my office this morning and gagged on yesterdays efforts...

My office-mate has been off sick for 6 week (unrelated I hope) but we be back soon, I feel bad for her already - my only hope is that it either stops, or her virus carries on for a few more weeks because she only works term time.

My nana used to serve cabbage & barley ,with leeks and cottage cheese cauliflower for Sunday dinners!
It wasn't funny. Vesuvius level +100.

The only thing funnier than a dog surprised by it's own farts is a small baby farting. Starts off with terror, moves to surprise, then enjoyment, then they start learning how to force them out.......

Then they shit themselves and you give them back to the nappy monitor/parent.

I can recall when yinn jnr was about 8months old. He was in his room in the cot, we had the baby monitor on in the next room.
You could hear him grunting, moaning and generally being unsettled. Then he let this nappy ripper go, making the wonderful muffled nappy fart sound and then Im sure we heard a sigh of contentment. Needless to say we couldn't stop laughing for quite a bit.

Yesterday marked my 11th wedding anniversary with my wife. For the first three years she has a small "rhoid" which meant any farts came out as a ppppppffffffffffffffffffft - the same sort of noise you get when a bus pulls up at the lights.
This all changed when she decided to have said "rhoid" removed. The surgeon was some sort of evil genius and created the perfect " balloon knot" for ripper farts. Christ, three rooms away and I can hear her crack off rounds like Petrol strimmer with a broken exhaust.
I'm sure this person could make a fortune creating surgically enhanced loops.

^^^^ Excellent 😆 😆

My wife let a horrendous one go in a slow, tiny lift in a hotel in Florence some years ago. She later confessed to holding it in especially for the lift, all the way back from the restaurant - a 30 minute walk.

My 15yr old daughter likes to share hers in the car during the school run - she calls them 'morning puffs'

They are not pleasant 😯

Yesterday marked my 11th wedding anniversary with my wife. For the first three years she has a small "rhoid" which meant any farts came out as a ppppppffffffffffffffffffft - the same sort of noise you get when a bus pulls up at the lights.
This all changed when she decided to have said "rhoid" removed. The surgeon was some sort of evil genius and created the perfect " balloon knot" for ripper farts. Christ, three rooms away and I can hear her crack off rounds like Petrol strimmer with a broken exhaust.
I'm sure this person could make a fortune creating surgically enhanced loops.

Is your wife a member on here? She may be open-minded when it comes to trumping, but I'm not sure she'd appreciate you discussing the details of her coit on a forum(?)

I was astounded at work recently because someone farted at the urinals and another person accused them of being disgusting!! If you cant fart in the toilet where can you fart. I, on the other hand, was chuckling to myself as it was quite a resounding raspberry

I had a similar discussion a few years back - one person in the group was unsure about whether it was OK to fart whilst stood at a urinal.

Said person earned my opprobrium.

I let one go this morning which was a proper rasper and my workmate commented "a bit more choke and that would have started"

Just think, every day someone unknowingly does the loudest/longest/smelliest fart in the world for that day.

Just think, every day someone unknowingly does the loudest/longest/smelliest fart in the world for that day.

Just think how awesome it would be if you could hear all the farts in the world being done - the walls shaking and trees swaying!

I also think there should be some kind of air additive that turns a distinctive colour when someone drops their guts - it'd flush out all those hypocrites who lift a cheek, then condemn others.

I like doing danger farts at work. Walk down a corridor or stair well, check the cost is clear and then fart as loudly as possible, hoping someone doesn't suddenly come round the corner.

Our office is perfect for that. It has 4 corridors, all broken up with a ridiculous number of fire doors, meaning loads of containment areas. When walking from one end to the other, the question rolling round ones mind is 'do I pick a compartment to unleash the fury into, or spread it out over all of them?' Both are equally satisfying.

How were/are farts celebrated in your family as kids/adults with your siblings/partner?
Me and my brother used to waft it to each other saying 'smell the beauty' 😀 - something which I now occasionally do to the wife in the car.

I had what I think was a bit of food poisoning about three weeks ago. Sat on the throne in the middle of the night and let a truly monstrous fart loose. Our bathroom is next to our neighbour's baby's room. The kid woke up and started crying. Never have I felt such pride and shame in equal measure.

Pull my finger.... 😆

Just think how awesome it would be if you could hear all the farts in the world being done - the walls shaking and trees swaying!

There is a theory that if everyone in the world farted at the same time, the world would be knocked off its axis.

Is there a more awesome factoid than that?

My Nan used to reckon that if you farted and burped at the same time with enough force you'd do a backflip

@wilco did she ever do it? 🙂

I was working on an ultramarathon event a couple of years back, driving the sweep/pickup minibus, bailing injured or retiring runners out to the finish. Things got pretty hectic overnight, and myself and my co-driver didn't get a chance to stop and get a proper meal, so we had to make do with whatever was available at the feed stations. Unfortunately what they had was mainly crap, nasty sandwiches and sweets - chocolate raisins and jellybeans mostly. Needless to say, a long day and night of living on that and coffee wasn't doing my digestive system any favours.

We did a dropoff run to the finish, the RNR spot near the Baltic in Gateshead, and I nipped off to the bogs to deal with, shall we say, a certain amount of intestinal pressure. Wandered into the traps hoping no-one else was around, and launched into a mind boggling sequence of postern blasts - long, short, high, low and everything in between. I heard someone walk in the door and take up a cubicle along from me and tried to hold a bit back until they'd gone, but it was no good. Trump after trump after trump; me, red-faced but silently giggling in my stall. Finally it ended, and the next thing I hear is a round of applause from the other end of the john. The only response I could muster through the laughter was "Thank you, but i came in for a s**t, not the Warsaw ****ing Concerto"...

I'm a prolific flatulator, indeed I take great pride in the audible splendor and the stomach churning stench, however I am appalled if my SO let's one go. In 7 years I've heard her squeeze the cheese no more than 5 times it's disgusting.

I have had to stop farting at home because we are having to tell our nine year old that he has to stop farting in class. This came after parents evening when his teacher asked if he had a medical problem, because he was upsetting other children by doing horrible farts then sitting there grinning like a Cheshire cat. His mother was most indignant when I said she had been setting a bad example.

Luckily in my office everyone enjoys farting. I try to creep up to other people and do it close to their desk. Especially when they're on the phone. I locked Liam in the radio cupboard on Monday with only a grim cloud of green for company.

Liam is particularly quick to go bright red at not much, particularly when we were stood in the atrium at Keighley Magistrates Court last month, when he was in full view of court staff, lawyers, policemen and criminals and I sounded the charge while hidden from view in a very echoey alcove 🙂

I had beans on toast for lunch today....I can't stop farting now...the wife is well pissed...as she says I push them out??....who doesn't ??

Me for one, as I get older, I find they creep out without any effort on my part. When I get out of my chair usually, or bed.

I often wonder how long it would last if you could fart out your actual entire lifetimes supply of farts, in one long continuous mega fart.

Imagine the sheer joy. Every fart you've ever done, and ever will do... A fartathon to end them all

Interesting fact: the human rectum is equipped with nerves that allow the brain to know the difference between solid, liquid and gaseous contents.

Usually.

My dog farting is NOT funny.

If you think that dogs farts are evil you should spend some time with my cat.... when she lets go its rotten, proper rotten!!!

One of the best things about working from home is being able to fart with reckless abandon.

It is worth remembering two things
1. When farting in a call, use the mute button
2. When going to the office, do up your flies and don't fart with reckless abandon

Farts are like children, you love your own, but anyone else's are awful.

Every time i tickle my 6 year old daughter she lets rip, she shouted out at the top of her voice in a cafe the other day "daddy, you know my tickle circuit is connected to my trumping circuit"!! Old lady at the next table said "..me too."

If you give her a biscuit she might let you...

This morning my two daughters decided to tickle me and I couldn't get them to stop their game until I laughed so much I let out a huge fart – then they scattered like I was a skunk with my defence mechanism.

🙂

I can confirm that even Nuns find it very funny(well the Irish ones,more research required)