Family question.. 'One and done' ?

My wife also has/had a health issue which only became apparent during pregnancy. We were happy not to risk a second. I'm not sure what "issues" surround having a single child. Most of the folk I know either have the one child or none. I don't see any pressure to have another and there's always the environmental impact to consider too.

TBH if your wife isn't keen, the conversation really ends there.

We're facing the same question now. We've got no family locally so there's been no one to call for help or relief when it gets hard. When I think back to where we were this time last year I feel like having another would finish us off. Especially with a toddler running around.

At some points it's been unbearably difficult but now that he's a little person, running around being mostly happy all the time, it's much more fun. It would be nice if we could be alone together for a few hours because we haven't been for almost 2 years.

I'm an only child and I'm not sure it caused any issues. Nothing you don't see in other people. Wife has brothers and sisters and it's nice that they're there for each other but she also spends her entire life glued to Whatsapp and is totally incapable of making decisions without a 9 hour consultation with her entire family. She's not very independent. Myself, I'm pretty fearless when it comes to doing everything on my own. I'm not exactly lonely, I've built my own family now.

We've only got one.... i'm happy with that 🙂

I see families wiht multiples and think it's a lot more hard work.

We had a difficult time getting our daughter. My wife suffered 5 early miscarriages before we had a 'good 'un' then we had bad news at the 20 weeks scan that our daughter was suffering from a condition called exomphalos (only Google if you are not squeamish!). And they didn't even know if she would be OK when born.

Thankfully she was strong, but small. She had to be operated on within 12 hours of birth and had a further four operations before she was one. Naturally this kind of put us off having more! There were no guarantees the same wouldn't happen again.

She's now 20 and apart from a wiggly scar she's turned out to be a great kid. Very independent and strong willed, which a lot of only children seem to be. I see this as a plus not an issue though.

From a parents point of view we would have liked more, and I know my daughter would have liked a sibling. But she has many cousins and is close to them. This irked somewhat as my wife's sisters popped them out easily (one had 5, the other 3).

From a bringing them up point of view I don't think it makes much difference. 1 commands your attention a lot more, 2 or more can play with each other but bring other issues!

Basically - it doesn't matter! 1, 2, 3, 4 or 5 - you'd find a way of dealing with it.

...but then there's the expense too of having more!

Single child issues can be avoided. They do exist but there is a largely a society projection and people finding someone they know is a only child and point their issues towards that but someone else they do not know who is a single child (but whom they know) they don't see the problem.

Anyway. We have two. First we had at mid 30s, second at just 40. I was nervous of having a second (6 and 2 now). Child care costs are massive even though we had a good gap. Plus the less attention thing plus all the work etc. Plus the other financial consequences, we have ok wages but that gets eaten up with two, it is tight. Partner wanted a second so we did it. First baby was really hard work, second has been chilled. We seem ok atm. 🙂 My mum help out with childcare. We would struggle without. We could do it but it makes a big difference and they get to do stuff they do not do at school / nursery / with us.

However friends of mine the second really took it out of them. Mental and physically. Having a child is ultimately a selfish decision but one that requires you to be unselfish to the result. Its your decision but really consider your health, your partners health (physical and mental) financial aspects. Whatever your decision go with it and don't look back.

Søren Kierkegaard

If you marry, you will regret it; if you do not marry, you will also regret it; if you marry or if you do not marry, you will regret both; whether you marry or you do not marry, you will regret both. Laugh at the world’s follies, you will regret it; weep over them, you will also regret it; if you laugh at the world’s follies or if you weep over them, you will regret both; whether you laugh at the world’s follies or you weep over them, you will regret both. Believe a girl, you will regret it; if you do not believe her, you will also regret it; if you believe a girl or you do not believe her, you will regret both; whether you believe a girl or you do not believe her, you will regret both. If you hang yourself, you will regret it; if you do not hang yourself, you will regret it; if you hang yourself or you do not hang yourself, you will regret both; whether you hang yourself or you do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the sum of all practical wisdom.

We have 2 daughters now 15+12.
It was also unlikely that we could have kids as my wife had some health issues, but here we are.

Both ours were difficult babies - neither slept through the night until they were 2+ and both had a few minor health issues/allergies which have changed/improved as they've grown.

I remember a mate (who already had 2 kids) saying to us whilst we were expecting the second that having another 'more than doubles the aggravation' and in some ways he's right - if they're both ill, vomiting and sh*tting for England you'll be cursing the cleaning/laundry/sleep depravation, and when they're a little older and starting having class birthday parties to attend which clash, sending you both in different directions on a Saturday, running your weekends like a Military operation you'll also be wondering WTF you're doing.

However, in many ways we've found having 2 a little easier at times - they can entertain each other, they played together quite a lot as little kids and these days they borrow each others clothes, enjoy each others company and i really think they'll be great friends as they get older.

The age gap between ours can feel big at times (3.5 years) particularly when one was still at primary and the other had moved up to 'big school' however it gets smaller as they age. There was 4.5 years between me and my late younger brother, and we were great friends.

We have various friends who only have the one child and i often feel they struggle to keep the only child occupied - holidays are a good example of this - ours would quite happily play in a pool or do something else together whilst we chilled out, whereas taking a single child away means they need 100% of your attention.

Obviously i'm going to say we've got no regrets - we were always planning to have 3, but my wife had a miscarriage with our second after a car-crash, and our youngest had a traumatic birth which trashed the baby factory - so that was us done.

TBH if your wife isn’t keen, the conversation really ends there.

That's probably the key point, you aren't the one that has to push a melon out.

We've got two and that's plenty, like anything it's ups and downs, they're "best friends" one day and screaming enemies the next. My sister is one and done, my niece is lovely and pretty well adjusted so far. Only children probably benefit most from having close friendship groups as they grow, which tends to be an extension of their parents social circle.

Do you have plenty of friends with kids about the same age?

We've got two (now adults), but my sister struggled to get the one with various health conditions, but they are over the moon with the one (he's now two) - not sure they'd try again. Brother has just had their second, and both were pretty tough pregnancies and births (plus lost a baby in between).

Think about all your health, and none, one, two or more is enough ! Doesn't matter.

I'm an only child - hated it when I was a kid, hate it now.  I look on enviously when friends and colleagues have family days, lunches, go on holiday together with brothers etc. Both my parents are now in failing health and its basically down to me to sort everything - would be so useful to have a sibling or 2 to share the emotional and physical burden.

We only have 2 kids but really wish we had another - time just caught up with us before we got round to it!

I love big families but thats probably because both my wife and I have small ones which live all over the world so we are very fragmented. If I came from a massive family I might feel differently. You always want what you don't have!

We only have one child he's 12 now, seems happy enough. However he has no cousins as my brother died quite young and his aunty on mums side hasn't had kids so family wise it's a bit quiet. I do worry about later in life a little, it would have been nice for him to have a sibling but it never happened. I think myself and my partner worry about this far more than he does.

Only child who ended up with an only child here.

We were the same age as you when it came to crunch time, my wife had always been keen to have a few, I was less keen but after the first we agreed to wait until she was three. By that time I was mentally ready but my wife had decided she didn't want more as we were just starting to get our lives back. Best decision we could have made tbh, your circumstances may be different but ultimately it comes down to what you're happy with.

As for only child issues, I'd say that's just cod psychology. My wife and her sister weren't very independent but that was down to having parents that did everything for them well into their 20's. They get on well together now but were fighting all the time when they were kids (6 year age gap or so)

We’d miss doing everything again

I miss that like a hole in the head.

Super interesting responses- thanks all!
Lots of things I can relate to.

TBH if your wife isn’t keen, the conversation really ends there.

Completely agree! Her body, her decision. No qualms about that.
We're both undecided together. We're pretty transparent talking about this stuff.

Single child issues

This just seems to be something that oh-so-many people have said. I've got it from friends/family/colleagues/neighbours throughout my life and as a consequence sticks in my mind.

i have two daughters. One is 16 and from a previous, the other is 6 and from my marriage.

The eldest doesnt live with us, and now being a teenager spends more time with friends than with us.

Whilst i love them both and enjoy the energy the youngest brings to the household, I wouldnt ever want to add another to the mix. And i struggle to understand those that have 2, 3 or more children, especially if all only a year or two apart.

Even more so if you are the type of person that enjoys doing their own stuff. I know some people's interests are their kids. Their lives revolve around them, which is cool, but its not for me. I enjoy family time and being out on my bike.

But as i say, i love them both and wouldnt want it any other way.... but having more.... **** no!!!

First time I've really come across this being any type of "issue"... (oh, apart from the weird conversation I had with a potential date, who said only children were weird. Ok, see ya!)
My son's 20 and at Uni now. A more balanced individual you couldn't wish for. He's a bit quiet with strangers, but I'm sure he'll get over that (I was too and I did (I'm a middle child)). Rides a mountain bike n everything! Cool kid 🙂

If you marry, you will regret it; if you do not marry, you will also regret it; if you marry or if you do not marry, you will regret both; whether you marry or you do not marry, you will regret both. Laugh at the world’s follies, you will regret it; weep over them, you will also regret it...

TLDR: grass is always greener 😎

Single child household here, both from 2 child families.

It's a very tricky balance of selfish vs. unselfish but the reverse of The Brick's example, we feel having a second would be an unselfish act for our wee boy, it's pretty tragic watching him trying to play with the bloody cat as his only playmate at home, but selfishly I think a second would break me. Wife is on the fence, probably because she knows it would mostly be on her (I've got a difficult/stressful job with a lot of commuting, she doesn't see much of me during the week).

He's not always brilliant at playing with other kids, doesn't deal well with not getting his own way, but he might be like that anyway even if he had a sibling, and in the grander scheme of things I doubt it's anything out of the ordinary.

I’m an only child – hated it when I was a kid, hate it now.

This is what i was coming here to say, not from my perspective but from my wife who, despite having a good friendship group as a kid, was still lonely. Her parents wanted more but it just wasn't to be.

Mine are 17 and 20 now...glad we had 2 but now we're saying perhaps should of had 3 but that's easy to say in hindsight as they reach adulthood. Easy to focus on the tough early years but think it's beneficial to focus on the bigger picture of it getting easier and the lifetime you'll have with them. Personally i think we chilled out a bit on the second, had a better idea of what to expect....still wasn't easy but easier.

This just seems to be something that oh-so-many people have said. I’ve got it from friends/family/colleagues/neighbours throughout my life and as a consequence sticks in my mind.

The only 'issue' I've seen is a determined single-minded streak.

My dad was a single child, my wife's mum was a single child, our daughter is - all strong willed and won't stand for shit.

Both my wife's sisters children have many more issues than our daughter.

To me it's a myth.

I'm from a family of 3 kids - I've not seen my older brother in 13 years, and I see my younger sister 3 or 4 times a year. More doesn't equal better.

The John Lewis image of perfect Christmas families rarely exists. There's always one causing trouble and strife! 🙂

I'm an only child.

Wifes from family of three

in later life (now to be fair)i do find my self wishing i had a sibling- more so seeing my wife interaction with her siblings . MY parents couldn't due to medical issues.

Itll be a rocky road i'm sure - i knew my wife and her siblings through their teenage years - I'm expecting a rough ride

our second is due in may. - our first is currently 3.

Our daughter is an only child and coming up to 16 years of age. She is lovely and very well adjusted with some really great friends. She says she is very happy being an only child. My wife did not work until my daughter went to secondary school and now has a job that fits in with school so they are very close.

Health issues come first in this scenario and make the most of the great child you have.

My FiL died last year and my MiL is a hoarder. I cannot see much evidence that my wifes sisters help that situation much so it is not a given that siblings will see you through the tough times. Hopefully they have a good spouse when these challenges come.

From my own experience my own brother is useless at taking any initative to be involved in family activities as he is too busy working all hours and days so that he can get as big a house and nice a car as possible.

Oh yeah, if they do get into MTBing, you can't afford to have more than one anyway!

I’m an only child – hated it when I was a kid, hate it now.  I look on enviously when friends and colleagues have family days, lunches, go on holiday together with brothers etc.

Grass is always greener.  I'm one of 3.  Wife is one of 2.  Don't assume you'd actually get on with your siblings.  For many families that ideal you describe is actually a chore.

Both my parents are now in failing health and its basically down to me to sort everything – would be so useful to have a sibling or 2 to share the emotional and physical burden.

Those problems are not necessarily better with siblings.  Then you have to consult and agree with other people how to handle problems and almost always one is physically closer and ends up with at least more of the physical burden.

He’s not always brilliant at playing with other kids, doesn’t deal well with not getting his own way, but he might be like that anyway even if he had a sibling, and in the grander scheme of things I doubt it’s anything out of the ordinary.

For every stereotype of the single child like this, there is one for the "oldest child" and the "youngest child" etc.  Only middle children are perfect.

Just get a dog. That what we've done now ours are grown up a bit and we miss having babies around!!

Single child issues are only issues you make yourself.

Only middle children are perfect.

Too right!

I'm a middle child the wife is too and we're the only sane ones in our family! 🙂

For every stereotype of the single child like this, there is one for the “oldest child” and the “youngest child” etc. Only middle children are perfect.

100% people regularly push stereo types on people, but in reality there is little or no correlation. there are so many factors that shape us as people.

We're a 2 child family. 2 boys, born 21 months apart. I was an only child, my wife has a sister roughly 2 years older. We both felt having 2 was the right choice. Myself, as I felt I missed out by not having a sibling, my wife, because she and her sister are quite close to this day.
The boys being quite close in age I think helps their bond. They enjoy playing together, and during the COVID lockdowns when the schools were closed, I think this really helped them. They can be a handful at times, but ultimately I think we made the right choice. I'm hoping they'll be as much friends as brothers when they're adults.

Thanks everyone! Really appreciate the comments.

We both have sibblings (2 for me, 1 for the wife) and none of us get on.
Parents on both sides had some oddities bringing us up, so we're both working through the neglect and other issues.
So I'm all too aware that having siblings and family doesn't mean you get on; blood makes you a relation, not family.

Not much to add, we have 2, both come from families that have had 2 kids. we found the second one harder in the early years. Don't regret either of them and 2 was our preference. WOuld have been happy though with one if that had been the case.

For every family group who are tight in later life there are plenty that aren't. I haven't really spoken to my brother since I lef thome, he's insular, still lives with my Dad at 50 and is not interested in anyone other than himself, I might as well not have a sibling. We're closer with wife's brother and family but he still behaves like a 15 year with her old despite approaching 50.

Do what's right for you now, you can't second guess the future.

I am an only and so is my son. I have been hit with the "Only Child problems" quote a few times in my life, but have seen no evidence of it in real life. My boss of 17 years said he could tell who was an only child, and was visible stunned a few years later when he found out I was.

Curious a few years ago I googled it and things like this; "Only child syndrome is a theory referring to certain characteristics that people may associate with being an only child. However, there is no reliable evidence that being an only child significantly affects personality or behavior. Therefore, current research states that only child syndrome is not real"

in terms of the worries, you clearly agree that your wife has the ultimate say on having another, but I would refer you to the Mark Twain/Winston Churchill quote; "I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.". In this context, I doubt if there is anything to worry about if you only have one.

Good read this, thank you all.

I am eldest of 3, partner middle of 3. Both from big 'full' familes of cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles etc.

Looking back decades ago I guess I always assumed I'd be a Parent to 2 or 3 maybe, and I'm sure my partner did. But our Boy is 4.5 now and we are increasingly seeming to converge on that being us done.

I anm definitely guilty in the past of presuming some of the stigmas about only children, and I can't actually remember knowing any friends at School that were only children.

But I did come to realise that actually, my step sister is/was an only child (only becoming step-sibling in our teens, we never lived together like actual siblings either) and she is fine - in fact, she has a brilliant relationship with her Parents. She also has a daughter, my lads older cousin, a few years older and she is also a great kid.

Theres lot of things I've considered when thinking about whether its 'right' for my Lad to grow up an only child, and potentially miss somethings Mum and Dad had and have as 1 of 3.

- We have always exposed him to everything possible - right from birth. He went to Nursery not because we had to, but because its life education - he's not 'mollycoddled' or smothered. Has relationships with all sorts of people, our family, friends etc, happy to be without us two and do days out, sleepovers etc.

- He has tonnes of friends already, very sociable, loves going to his brill school, gym club, doing things away from us Parents etc.

- We are getting on, a decade or more older than both our own parents were at this 'stage', which is increasingly common in my generation anyway.

- Its crass, but the truth is, we can give him more 'stuff' than we might be able to with a brother or sister - holidays, sports, etc etc. That might go right into education, university maybe, who knows. Not saying this shapes who you are, but it cannot be ignored.

- I love my siblings and we all get on as adults but I dont think I really played with them anyway when I was a kid, if anyhting it was 2 vs 1, them vs me. I much preferred (and still do) making my own fun anyway at times! I am also acutely aware that getting on with your siblings is not a given for some people unluckier than us!

rom my own experience my own brother is useless at taking any initative to be involved in family activities as he is too busy working all hours and days so that he can get as big a house and nice a car as possible.

- Both of us work full time, we do OK and have good jobs but neither of us is massively career driven, we work fixed hours and thus we do spend plenty of time together and do tonnes of great stuff both as a 3, or as part of wider family and friends. Theres no 'he needs someone to play with as we are out at work all week and never see each other' kind of aspect.

- At the end of the day, like @cokie,

I honestly couldn’t ask for a more amazing child, #insert_more_gushy_stuff#.

I know everyone loves their kids, and obviously to us our boy is great - he's smart, he's funny, he's healthy, we love him to bits etc etc... We cant help but think - 'what if' we had another and...?
It doesnt half make us wince watching other parents wrestling 2, 3, or 4 misbehaved kids at the park or cafe, when ours is politely asking us if he can leave the table now please and has put his knife and fork together.

Its a really tricky subject, everyone seems to eventually agree out theres no right or wrong, the grass can always be greener etc... What sticks in my mind is that there are so, so many other outside influences on our lives everyday and things beyond our control that whatever happens in the future, we should not feel guilty for making whatever decision we make in the future.

Do what’s right for you now, you can’t second guess the future

Thats good is that. Your right.

Just to add to my comment earlier, my son is now 19 and seems more than happy/sociable and has a strong group of friends.

We've not had children but both my sister and her husband and my sister in law and hers have had just one each. They are both 11. Neither has any family within 200 miles so do it all pretty much solo.

My observation from semi afar is that both families are very tight. They have good lives. I would say both sets of parents do a little bit too much over compensating. Both have expressed 'guilt' about their child having no sibling to play with. As a result their children are getting the 'premium' service - constant barrage of stuff to do, weekend activities and evenings centred around what their child wants. In one way kind of awesome, in others not so much. Just chillin' and finding ways not to be bored with a sibling within a handful of years of your age is a healthy thing imo - for both the parents and the kids. However more than a 4 year gap negates much of that. My sister is a few days under 4 years younger than me and I think that's at the edge of what's great when a kid - more and you just don't have much in common. My wife and her sister are only 2 years in age different and had a much closer bond as kids than I did with mind. That's probably continued into later life too.

Now talking as a teacher...imo it's a common 21st century parenting issue that too many parents don't model very healthy adult lives to their kids. They allow every family decision and all down time to be about the kids. My favourite families have devoted parents that take their kids to stuff but do stuff themselves too. Sometimes the kids 'have' to spend time watching dad go to swim training or judo or mum windsurf and both witness parents being more than parents but also learn the art of patience and appreciation that it's not all about them.

on the other hand you get the single child ‘issue'(?)

What do you perceive that issue to be?

Honestly (speaking as an only child who never reproduced so obviously a totally qualified expert), I think you're overthinking this. Either you both want another child, or you don't. Anything else is whataboutery, if you're reaching for excuses to have another or excuses not to have another then you're probably leaning towards the wrong decision.

In these sort of threads I reckon everyone is right and only you can know what's right for you. I'm not sure it's that much harder having two compared to one. My brother in law has three and it's a nightmare but the kids are great and it would probably be a nightmare if he only had one. I have a sister and we're not close but I'm glad there are two of us to look out for our parents. At the moment that's mostly her responsibility but at the moment it's just help with buying stuff online. My MIL has dementia and it means I'm free to help my partner and her brother and as much as he's a nightmare at times at least they have each other and can share the load.

I've got the one daughter who's 22. She's good as gold, not really been any trouble or seems to have been held back socially by not having a sibling.

Maybe a controversial statement, but I suspect a happy and stable family unit of however many, is probably more important than having a brother or sister.

I'm one of five, and being Irish and Catholic there was obviously a bit of stigma of being from a small family, but we managed ok.

We have three, spread over 5 years, youngest now 20, so I assume things have changed a fair bit since then, but from a logistics point of view of daily life, we didn't find two to be more challenging than one. Three compared to two, though seemed to more than double the hassle of various things, mostly travel and holiday related. Cars, hotels, seating on trains etc all works well with 2+2, but 2+3 and things get awkward or expensive.

If any of my kids expect me to be a regular childcare provider for them they can take a running jump, but no sign of that on the horizon anyway, but that doesn't make me useless, it's presumption to expect if for someone else's kids.

There are no right answers, but having thought about it, you're pretty likely to work out what might work best for you and get on with it. Good luck whatever way you choose.

I've got 4 girls. 2&3 were twins, which was brutal, I didn't want a 4th but didn't really get a choice. Wouldn't sell any of them now though as they're all awesome in their own way.

The dynamic with 4 is tough, they're all still young and fight for attention. With 3 around it's much calmer.

As a single dad the age gap is still quite large 2.5-6.5yo so some stuff is much harder - group rides at the twins level bores the eldest and the little one has to go on the shotgun seat.

Thanks again for everyones thoughts!
It's put my mind some what at ease.

I'd be basing this on the wife's health issue. Two kids and a seriously impacted wife would be awful for you all.

I was an only child, but back in the 70s and 80s, when you went out with mates after school for hours or had mates through Scouts and sports rather than actual siblings

We have two kids, a boy now 19 and a daughter aged 16. They've had a great relationship on the whole, enough shared interests to bond and enough separate interests to become their own people.

They are both the centres of my world, even as they start to leave the nest. I've no shortage of love, pride and support for both of them.

What I don't have is time and money - when the second is little you can drag them along to activities with the big one, but when you suddenly need to be running around and funding two lots of interests it gets expensive and pressured very quickly.

Having one is precious. Don't risk your wife's health for a second.

Or, if you really want a second, consider adoption. Removes the risk of a second pregnancy.

OP, I'm in a v similar position to you, in terms of current kid, challenges of a second, etc; but a bit older (which is another factor to consider).

I feel we're definitely at a stage in our kid's development that it pops into my head quite often that it'd be amazing to have a sibling, and that it's perhaps quite lonely having a family unit that's just one kid and the parents. We don't have close cousins about the same age, and so I worry about it.
For us it's easier in a way because there's less of a decision - it's really not viable for us to have a second due to medical aspects, so we just kind of live with it. And we're obviously not lesser parents because of it, and of course are able to devote all our parenting time on our existing child.
And it occurred to me this week that probably the best things we can do are provide a really stable environment; stay close with our (currently close) friends who have kids around the same age, and try to minimise chopping and changing neighbourhoods, schools etc. It's all 'nice to have' stuff, but hopefully will mean our child will at least have long-term friends and be comfortable with that social network despite not having a sibling.

you get the single child ‘issue'(?)

What is the single child 'issue'??

Honestly (speaking as an only child who never reproduced so obviously a totally qualified expert), I think you’re overthinking this. Either you both want another child, or you don’t. Anything else is whataboutery, if you’re reaching for excuses to have another or excuses not to have another then you’re probably leaning towards the wrong decision.

As another only child who's also not reproduced (to my knowledge) it seems way less stressful as people I know who get on with their siblings as mates are very much in the minority.

Plus when my parents die it'll be me vs the dogs home for their 'estate'

We have 3. If effort of 1 = x, effort of 2 = 2.5x, effort of 3 = 3.5x. It's definitely a shock to the system getting the second as you're all settled with the routine of the first.

We also have semi-useless support network as my parents, sister and her family have retreated to Ireland. My wife's family are maxed out dealing with my FiL's dementia, so babysitters are next to non-existent. As a result my wife took redundancy and a 9 year break from work. Without this we would have been stuffed.

My dad is an only child and for a long time we put his neediness/oddness/selfishness down to that. Having had my son be diagnosed as autistic and subsequently, for curiosity's sake run self-assessment tests in the family we can categorically say only child syndrome was actually his undiagnosed autism (he returns off the scale positive results).

What is the single child ‘issue’??

I guess most people are referring to a combination of:-

Parents possibly missing the perspective you sometimes get from being able to make comparison or just being too busy bringing up multiple sprogs to 'care' about every little thing (in a good way). Parents of only children often catastrophise more imo.
Parents overdoing it a bit and making their children spoilt
Kids not having another child to play with in the house
Kids not having another child to fight with in the house! Learning the life skills of negotiation, compromise, sharing or taking turns.

Obviously these are huge generalisations - everyone's experiences are different and for some these will be totally non problems.

My experience was that the second child was way easier - the having two kids to juggle was outweighed by the experience of it being the second time around. That said Teapot2 is definitely an easy going personality. Plus I wouldn't say we found the first one particularly difficult or that there was any chance of one of us breaking by having a second. Like you we have very little help from family.

My two are 30 months apart. They play together really well and have done since the second reached about 2yo, in fact a bit too well if anything as the ceaseless noise does my head in. I'm quite a buttoned up sort of person, not the most amazing at getting really into playing with kids so think it's great in our house for them to have each other.

I would say go for it if you're on the fence. You're more likely to regret not having a second than having one (*not read the rest of the replies which may disagree!)

Only middle children are perfect.

depends- if the middle child is the same sex as the first & different from the third they're clearly unwanted!

if your wife doesn’t want another child i wouldn’t force the issue. she’s the one who has to do the gestation and birthing. pretty big responsibilities and physically demanding. and i suspect that she’ll have the vast majority of the responsibility of caring for the new child, no matter how much effort you put in.

we have one. he’s 6 and has only just started going to his friends houses. we live a long way from our families and have been out/alone together twice in that time.

edit: you have my sympathy with the situation, it’s not easy when what you want with regards to children are different to your partner’s

My experience was that the second child was way easier

We found that two was much more than twice as hard as one and the 3rd is only an incremental increase in difficulty, and I'm told that you hardly notice the 5th.

Not sure what the ‘issues’ are with one child? Is it not just issues that come with having a family? We have 2 boys with a 3 year age gap who do there own thing and do very little together, they are totally different in likes and personality. Things may change over the years, they are 15 and 18 now. My sister moved away when I was 15 and I can probably count on my fingers how many times we have seen each other since (weddings and funerals mainly) as we live in different countries. So what I am trying to say is more kids doesn’t always mean this happy friendly buddy stuff. My wife has 3 brothers and sees one of them most weeks, but boy does she moan about them.

if you are happy with one, great. If you want another then that’s just as great. I wouldn’t over think the science.

Having 4 kids meant that lockdown wasn't as isolating as for kids we know in 1 child families

I'm not sure that a once in a century pandemic should influence your thinking too much!

That said its great seeing how well they play together

Having 2 is obviously more work, but with the second you're just better at parenting because you've learnt from

Regards your wife's health that's a tough call and I suppose that's a decision only you 2 can make

All I can say is don't have twins, it's mind melting 😁

second kid is definitely easier than the first, you know what you're doing and care a lot less. Ours are 3 and 6 now, and play with each other enough to keep themselves occupied for up to an hour at a time. Much easier than trying to occupy a 6 year old by yourself 🙂

Have 2 kids, I come from a two child family as does their mother. My wife (their step mum) coincidently also has a sibling.  For us it seemed natural to have two kids, although we didn't have the health worries that your wife has. I don't think having two adds much to the stress of family life and my two are very close, even as adults.

I don't think there's a right or wrong here, everyone's just mostly making the best decision they can at the time.

1 daughter here.
We're both happy with that.
She's half way through a nursing degree now. How time flies.

We've a small cottage so a 2nd would have been sleeping in the garage - and that's too full of bikes and boats to get a bed in for him/her.

We have a dawgie labrador tho (in fact had a big dawgie well before our daughter came along).

For the points about what they do on hols etc as a single child - either they make friends quickly with others at the pool / beach etc, oe I'd go behave like a 6 year old in the pool or sea wirh them. (My wide foes say I'm often childish 🙄)

There’s a big thread on here somewhere started by me about five and a half years ago. Had our son when I was 37, he’s ace. Then we got pregnant again and I was worried about being older and coping with a second child. Five years down the line I have the most wonderful, demented, funny and beautiful daughter who lights up my life. Honestly don’t know why I was worried

I thought that the trick is to have a kid, then wait about 8 years to have a load more kids.
Then the eldest kid gets lumbered with all the childcare duties.
Simples.

I'm 52 and have one older brother. 10 years older than me. We've never been close. I see him maybe twice a year even though he lives about 10 mins away. We chat maybe once every two months for 5 mins. I little interest in him and he feels the same.

Our mutual friends don't understand it. He's your brother crap is constant.

When he was 25 I was 15. We don't have anything in common.

Do I wish it was different? Yes. I'd love to have a close relationship with him. But that's just not going to happen. From both sides.

I have a 19 year old daughter, only child. My Mrs had complications during childbirth and it was suggested having more could be risky. We never gave it a second thought and took what we had been blessed with.

Being an only child can be an issue. But as parents you can easily take care of them.

Love what you have. It'll be repaid in buckets!

I’m an only child – hated it when I was a kid, hate it now. I look on enviously when friends and colleagues have family days, lunches, go on holiday together with brothers etc

As an only child I don't understand that at all. I do all of those things with friends who I can actually chose rather than just someone I'm related to but might not actually like. It was much the same as a child, I'm perfectly happy to entertain myself but my parents tended to be happy if I wanted to invite a friend on day trips etc which is much easier than if you're stuck with a sibling.

We have only one, not by choice but that’s the hand we were dealt. It’s hard especially for my wife when people bring up single-child issues as if it was a choice we made. We know it would have been nice for him to have a sibling but never a guarantee they’d have got on.

He demands more of our attention that I probably expected from my parents but that’s time we are more than happy to give. I’m also aware he is probably considered spoiled as we have more money to spend on him, but I think that’s other people’s perceptions more than our own.

I have no point to make here, but happiness exists whatever the size of your family.

Got one child and we are older parents, he's 3.5 and I'm 45. No way could I cope with a second. I hope he won't feel like he's missing out due to being an only child, we can only try and give him new experiences and chances to socialise.

Same circumstances as @mrpottatohead. We wanted two but have one, but you make it work. Pluses are being able to do more stuff cos we don’t have to worry about a younger sibling not being able to keep up and it feels like money isn’t as much an issue for us as those with more kids. Also if she’s at a sleepover or whatever we can actually do stuff as a couple which is pretty cool.

Minuses are the “what if” feelings at the back of our minds, and people’s assumption that we have two - even the question “how old are your kids?” hurts sometimes.

We chose to have one, a daughter who is now nine, and it really was the perfect decision for us, one she is very happy with too! The dynamic works, we have a very close relationship, it’s also financially easy, so no scrimping and it will be easy to support her when she wants a house. And I can justify getting her bikes without worrying about multiples 🙂

She is brilliant at making friends and we have families we are quite close to, but she also really appreciates her own company and peace!

We have 2 boys, 4 1/2 and 2. They play and fight and miss each other when apart.
They're both infuriating in their own way but both brilliant.

OP do what feels right don't wish for what could have been.

We have 4 ..... 2 boys and 2 girls and its a lot of work although now they are 10-16 its far easier than when they were small. I'm an only child (my mum and me almost didnt make it so that was my dads mind made up on having more) and the other half is the eldest of 3 and i would agree with some of the comments above as id liked to have had a brother or sister when i see her and her brothers together and also like above my parents are slowing down especially my dad and it would be nice to have someone to help out with this but thats probably just being selfish.
I do think having a second was easier than having your first as you kind of know what youre getting into but that could also be that our second was the poster child for babies, she slept, ate and was very easy to look after unlike our first. Once you get to 3 and youre outnumbered its another level and at 4 its **** it!

To be honest only you and youre Mrs can decide this, if she has health issues and shes finding one hard then id be very careful as having another could lead to other things and beleive me thats no fun at all

An interesting thread that I also now have first hand experience of!

Short answer no, I don’t know how anyone would want to go through it again after having ine. We will not be having another 😂 , but for so many reasons. She had a hard pregnancy, the birth was tbh horrible which gave her mental health issues she’s still fighting now and I think because it was been such a transformation of our lives we’re both just looking forward to him being a child and being able to do things with him.

Don’t get me wrong he is our absolute world and only tonight did I coax full on giggles out of him and not even being biased he’s a much better looking baby than either of us two !

Similar position to the OP.
It's awkward that it's almost a 3 way decision with the doctors and difficult when seeing friends with multiples.
But on the plus side we get to live more comfortably and experience more than we would otherwise.

Only child here and parents split at 7 so lot's of traveling between 2 homes. Can't say I ever wished for a sibling but I did have a best friend from a young age who had 2 siblings and his mum was my child minder so I spent lot's of time after school with their family. I was very upset when they all moved to Kenya but quite quickly found a new best friend who I ended up living a few doors away from.

She had a brother and we all used to play together after school and had walkie talkies to call each other and would sometimes run across the bottoms of neighbours gardens to the others house. We stayed as best friends right up to uni days but now as adults we're really different and I consider her more like a sister as we have such long history together. We both moved from our home town to the same city.

I was quite shy when I was younger and really enjoyed interacting with either a small group of close friends and also adult company but I gradually gained confidence from uni onwards.

My rambling, nostalgic point is that children are adaptable and as long as you can facilitate them having lots of time with friends I'm sure they will be fine. Like anything there will be plus and minuses for each choice. I have benefited greatly from having the financial support of my separate parents.

My only minor concern as an adult now is when my 2 sets of parents and step parents start to develop age related issues it could be a lot to deal with. Though thankfully I have a supportive partner and they are all well off so care costs will not be an issue.

I have two, two years apart. My recollection is that my ex husband wanted 3 and then somehow that seemed to change part way through the second pregnancy. It took a bit to adapt to the idea that this was the last time I’d be pregnant. By and large, I liked being pregnant, and I do love tiny babies. However, after the tiny baby/maternity leave phase I found having 2 was incredibly hard. Logistically it meant I ended up burnt out and giving up work (they are NEVER both ill and off nursery/school at the same time!). Physically and mentally I found that 4+ years of my body not being my own, and not having the time or energy to do the things that would help me feel like I was still an individual in my own right - that was really hard. And that’s despite 2 long maternity leaves and a two year career break. Once they were both at school, I started work again, but on a part time and flexible basis.

I don’t see a problem with having just one child, my two play together, but they have plenty of friends whose siblings just bicker. I don’t think a sibling means parenting styles or child behaviour gets magically better!

Having kids is demanding, and I think it’s often underestimated how physically demanding it is on women. It’s not just during the pregnancy - my kids are 12 and 14 now and I’m still affected by the physical effects of carrying a child! In some ways, I’m finding now that I have more time to do the stuff I love (and getting older), those issues are more of a problem than they were when the kids were younger.

I don’t think I have a point here, other than love whatever you’ve got, and whatever you end up with!

I don’t think I have a point here, other than love whatever you’ve got, and whatever you end up with!

As a father of 3 boys, only one of which was planned and step dad to 2 more children, very much this, they're in their 20's & 30's now so we'll have 4 grandchildren by the end of this year, family get togethers usually involve 14+ and it chaos but I was a single father to the three boys for 15yrs so I'm / we're used to it 😃

I haven't read most of the stuff in between here and the OP but...

We really enjoy having 2 children and it was an easy decision for us despite my wife at risk of complications. My 2nd - our daughter - was a harder birth and the reality of the lack of sleep etc hits harder the second time. But, you are practised and have experience so IMO a second child is only 1.5 times harder than the first.

Having a son and a daughter we and they have such a mixed set of experiences and circles of friends for the kids and us as we get to know parents its quite joy watching them grow up.

Just now going through the "I want to go an meet this girl..." with my 14yo son and pleased to learn that her mum also wants to drop her off and remain in McD's/Starbucks car park for safety so its not us being paranoid. Bit of a laugh really, the kids'll have their first experience of try to woo each other whilst the parents will likely have an intro outside 😀

Glad I went down the 'none and fun' route 😉

I would totally agree to that Hannah, my Charlotte had a hard pregnancy and then after a forceps delivery seeing her barely able to walk or even sit was so hard! But she still had to express and was woken up every 3-4 hours. Those days were so hard for me to watch, luckily I can help with feeds as she’s expressed from day 1 to about 6 months and work from home and genuinely don’t know how for example even single mums do it. It’s incredibly demanding! Rewarding as they grow up but yes, we’re only having one! I just look forward to when Weeride make a bracket that makes sense for a mountain bike and for when he’s old enough for a Shotgun!

I've got 2, they fight like crazy, the elder girl is the easiest to deal with and actually quite a charm, the younger boy is frankly an enigma to me.

Most of my friends are single/don't have kids, I often feel they made the right choice. #selfishbastard

I have two - about 23 months apart, one of each variety. The first one was a major shock to the system. When she now goes to her grandma and we're left with only one, it's like we've only got none it's so easy! I'd say 2 kids is 1.8x the effort of one. After that I think each one is only going to be like an extra .2 of effort, just because you can't give them so much attention so you don't.

We are lucky to have my mother in law very close buy who enjoys child care! Some of my friends don't have any support network and it's clearly a lot harder and a lot more expensive.

My BIL and SIL have three - logistically this seems like a PITA, a lot of things are set up for two parents, two kids. It's difficult to fit three child seats in most cars, so you end up with a people carrier (I mean i'm in the market for one so I can cart bikes and stuff around in due, course, but it only gets worse!).

We're sticking with two. I'm glad I've got two and not one tho. It's certainly changed our lives tho (I kind of view this as the second chapter as it were), and we don't do what we used to do (camper van round europe rock climbing every summer for example!). Lots of other things to enjoy though, esp as they get older than 1 (up to about 3 months they're pretty boring, once they can smile it gets better).

Bottom line is I wouldn't have had two if my wife wasn't 100% onboard. If someone has to be persuaded then that's not a recipe for success (that said if the missus became pregnant again by accident i'm fairly certain we'd keep it, I'd just bitch about it every time I tried to get three car seats in my car).

We have two, and while I love them both dearly, we’d always gone into it all saying that if we had to stop at one, then we would stop at one.

MCTD has identified a lot of the issues; as someone once said to me everyone imagines it’s just another
place at dinner, when it’s at least the square of the number of kids as hard. A lot of it is deciding which child’s weekend activities take priority when one of us is working

We have one child, now 13. My wife (one of four) wanted more but nature said no.

It’s been a joy. Would she be different if she had siblings? Of course. We would too. But I don’t believe any of us would be happier, or more content, or better adjusted were our family to be bigger. Neither do I think we’d be worse off. Just different.

I sometimes worry about extended family relationships. My wife catches up with her siblings and parents every week for a two hour zoom. That possibility won’t exist for our daughter, but then again my contact with my family (one sibling) is far more sporadic than that and we’re okay with it.

nicko74 wrote above of the importance of close friends and their families. We go on most holidays with other families. The family we mostly travel with (and have done for the entirety of our daughters life) have three children, aged from six months younger to three years older than ours. It’s a joy. Mostly. Sometimes it involves interchild tears, shouting, sulking, but that seems okay too. Every year or two we go ‘gravelesque’ cycle touring (King Alfred’s Way, Pembrokshire, etc) with another family with an only son the same age as our daughter. It’s lovely too, and they are/were in the same position - had figured life would involve a couple kids and then only one happened - and their lives too are going well. They, like us, don’t know what they’re missing, but are having good lives with what they’ve got.

I reread this and don’t think I’ve added much to the conversation, but maybe they’ll be something you can take from it. All the best.

As you already have a 3 year old there will be a minimum of 4 years age gap between your 2 children. In my mind this is too larger gap and makes it a little bit more like having 2 single kids. My experience is that over 3 years gap and they wont play much. This might make the decision to stick with 1 slightly easier.

@bugsurfer - that reflects my experience. My brother is 5 years older than me. We were mostly at different stages of development, be that play, schooling or friends. We never had much in common and still don't.

We've two, 6 & 3.

First was sleeping through by 12 weeks, easy going etc.

Number two child was sent to test us, still not sleeping through, throws the odd wobbler.

They get along except for the odd squabble. Lovely watching them play together.

I don't think I could manage a third but that's me, I want the family to start enjoying time together more and another baby resets everything IMO.

Seeing my two play and the love they have for each other I do wish I'd of had a sibling but I wasn't lonely growing up, plenty of kids nearby to play with.

another one and done here.

108 days in NICU changes your perspective a little. we/he got lucky with very few residual side effects. wasn't the plan but as others have stated you adapt and enjoy what you have.

“We have 3. If effort of 1 = x, effort of 2 = 2.5x, effort of 3 = 3.5x”

We’ve got 3 - currently 10, 7 and 3. It almost feels like the chaos has increased with the square of the number of children!

I don’t think any number is ideal, so many pros and cons in different situations and different points of life. More is maybe worse when younger, better when older - but it surely depends on each family and each child.

Thanks again all!
I've not really got anymore to add.
Its been really interesting hearing everyone's experiences and take on things.