As the title really. Has anyone ever experienced falling out of love with their partner?
Was it fairly quick or gradual over many years?
Was it a mutual thing? Did you both grow apart?
Or was there an event or catalyst which started it?
Did you try and seek help? Or just let it be a natural progression?
Possibly an odd question, but i am curious.
Feel free to share as much or as little as you like.
A missed opportunity to name this thread "How Was Your Valentine's Day?"!
But seriously, all the best resolving it. I think the standard response is along the lines of all relationships take work on both sides, or something like that. Clearly harder when you have other outside pressures.
In addition to the above, one of the big questions is, do you want to try and fall back in love with your partner?
Yep, had this before with my ex. It was pretty gradual and then kind of snapped if that makes sense? You go along playing happy families and trying to make it work and then one day you're like, I'm not happy. You don't make me happy. I can't remember the last time we were happy together.
The 'event' that really kicked it into me was going on holiday with her parents and seeing that they were basically exactly as I felt. Not happy, not in love, just sticking with the other one because that's all they knew. I didn't want that to be me and I ended up breaking up with her the day we got back.
I've been married 33 years. It's certainly not the same as it was back in the 90's and we've had loads of sticky patches.
But 'love' is very different for all - we've always loved one another but we've never been lovey-dovey - no holding hands or PDAs. I don't need to message her 10 times a day. Just a kiss goodbye in a mnorning. More of a pragmatic approach to the relationship!
We've never lived in one another's pockets either - we've had separate interests. I feel either of us would be OK should one of us drop dead.
We can still go on holiday for a week together without wanting to kill each other!
Some people need to feel needed to feel loved. How is love for you?
Ex's yeah, my wife I don't think I will and the reason being is cause in part of many other things i admire and love about her is I respect her massively. She impresses me all the time, she has a great career, is extremely intelligent, always keeps a cool rational head no matter what and is never afraid to muck in, we done the NC500 in a converted campervan with no toilet, she didn't think twice or moan about stepping into some woods with a shovel when she needed to go. She loves nothing more than ordering king prawns for starters and snapping the head off and telling me thats where all the flavour is followed by steak for main. I could go on for hours.
But an Ex who I did initially see a future with before meeting my now wife I fell out of love with because over time I lost all respect for her, thinking back it was things like her picking arguments with me because she couldn't handle her own emotions, trying to shame me for having certain hobbies based on "what people would think if they knew", when I started going bald she said she doesn't find bald men attractive so I cant shave my hair off but then would slap and take the mick out of my bald spot, she was completely unable to fathom any level of deep conversation, was sqeuamish at the thought of eating any seafood, couldn't even cook for herself and would live off takeaways, microwave meals or omelettes, on a weekend if I had plans she would get annoyed and literally sit around waiting for me to be free again so we could go do somethign fun which made me feel like my only purpose was her entertainment.. Again I could go on. But upon reflection a massive part of why I fell out of love with her is as we grew together and things got more serious I lost all respect for her because I realised there was so many aspects of her character I didn't like.
Or was there an event or catalyst which started it?
The most common and drastic catalyst for change would be kids, I imagine.
Your relationship can feel incredibly strong before kids but the amount of stress that having kids can put on a couple will very quickly expose any and all cracks.
Your relationship can feel incredibly strong before kids but the amount of stress that having kids can put on a couple will very quickly expose any and all cracks.
And vice versa.
The most common and drastic catalyst for change would be kids, I imagine.Your relationship can feel incredibly strong before kids but the amount of stress that having kids can put on a couple will very quickly expose any and all cracks.
Or indeed, not having kids/IVF not working. Whole different ballpark of stress 🙁
Your relationship can feel incredibly strong before kids but the amount of stress that having kids can put on a couple will very quickly expose any and all cracks.
And at the opposite end (my time!) kid leaving home and you're on your own again wondering how you got there!!
So basically - kids are the problem at every stage! Have dogs! 🙂
It was pretty gradual and then kind of snapped if that makes sense? You go along playing happy families and trying to make it work and then one day you’re like, I’m not happy. You don’t make me happy. I can’t remember the last time we were happy together.
Sounds familiar. Get on fine, but no longer a relationship in a meaningful sense.
I lost all respect for her, thinking back it was things like her picking arguments with me because she couldn’t handle her own emotions, trying to shame me for having certain hobbies
Also been there.
scroobius pip puts it very well
I think growing up, maturing, is a bigger breaker of relationships than having, or not having, kids.
Sometimes relationships come to an end naturally. I think there's still societal pressure that assumes and expects 'forever' marriages and while for some folks that's certainly possible, choosing some-one while in your early twenties to live with for life when for most of us barely know ourselves let alone make sensible choices about marriage or life-partners is just an impossibility that we'll almost inevitably get wrong.
Most definitely fell out of love with my ex wife.
I was totally the opposite of eatmorepizza, the respect I had for her had died. We both changed as we grew older, I became a lot less tolerant of certain aspects of her personality. Respect for a partner is such a massive part of life, for me, once that had gone the marriage was never going to last.
For me this happened fairly quickly. When life changed (kids), I didn’t like the person whom my ex wife became. I also know my ex thought the same. I wouldn’t say it was a case of waking up and realising I didn’t love her, just a fairly quick series of events, maybe over a year or so. I don’t blame my ex in anyway, the vast majority of it was down to my lack of empathy I had developed towards her. This is again related to the lack of respect I felt. Once it was there it was insurmountable, there was no therapy or help we could have received to fall back in love again. She did the right thing and divorced me.
I should have left a lot earlier, unfortunately I made the mistake of “hanging around for the kids”. This just compounded the dislike we had developed.
Thats a brief summary of my story. And in all seriousness, good luck OP, life isn’t always easy and divorce and separation can be difficult paths to navigate.
“Difficult” step kids bringing that into a whole new dimension 😕
amen to that, thankfully as the 'step daughter' (me & her mum aren't married , but all live together) turns into a young adult, things have calmed alot.
as to the OP's question, it's something i think about quite frequently. me & sofagirl have only been together for c 8 years (6 of which we've lived together). part of of it is general overthinking on my part (which i'm prone too), part of it is historically not being good in long term relationships and part of it i think is relationships when you are older (we are both in our 50's so to my mind to expect a relationship to be like when you were in you 20/30's is unrealistic).
however i still sometimes have the nagging doubt of am i still 'in love' with my partner as there are times where we do just feel like friends who live together rather than anything more. i guess i take the view of is the quality my life better with sofagirl (and vice versa hopefully) than without her? and while the answer to that is still yes, that's good enough for me.
of course that could be seen as 'settling' rather than being 'in love', but i think too much crap gets laid over what relationships should be and the logical part of me always thinks that how do you definitively prove that you are 'still in love'. not sure where that leaves me other than to my mind relationships are difficult, contain lots of the unknown and as long as it's not making you unhappy any doubts are likely driven by the grass being greener thoughts
the Muffin Man +1 that could have been written for us. Both of us are independent, have different hobbies and interests and are the opposite of each other. However, we work well together as a family unit with our different strengths and weaknesses, we don’t do Romeo and Juliet - YMMV.
It’s worth remembering that many phases of our life’s are challenging - sickness, raising children, extended family, the world at large - and that puts strain on a couple, so don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.
I’d be mortified if my wife suddenly wasn’t around, microwave Christmas dinners are just not the same.
Sometimes relationships come to an end naturally. I think there’s still societal pressure that assumes and expects ‘forever’ marriages and while for some folks that’s certainly possible, choosing some-one while in your early twenties to live with for life when for most of us barely know ourselves let alone make sensible choices about marriage or life-partners is just an impossibility that we’ll almost inevitably get wrong.
true - when I met MrsDoris we were both in our 30s and each had a longish-term-but-ultimately-doomed-to-failure relationship under our belts. Meant we were able to be a lot more grown-up about this one from the beginning. Now 13 years in - so far, so good.
Probably not best qualified to comment here as we met young (me 20, her, 18) and are still together 37 years later. Has it been easy? Nope. Were there times..? Yup. I think as others have said respect plays a big part. Without it I'm not sure that a relationship is sustainable.
Eldest has a child of her own now and youngest is at university so after the family 'commitments' we are enjoying the time together as a couple again. Weekends away, nights out, etc. We also 'do our own thing' separately as we fancy.
another muffin-man +1. Together for 28, married for 23.
No, I don't get butterflies at the thought of seeing her this evening like I used to 28 years ago. But there's other stuff that is at least as valuable as that feeling, like being able to team up and bring different strengths and skills to bear on dealing with our son for example.
We still do stuff together, not as much as when we were first married, but more now that one's off at Uni and the other is nearly driving himself. I know some that were only together because of the kids, and after they left there was no glue left. I hope we're different (we've talked about it) - of course it'll be sad to be empty nesters, but it'll also open up a whole new load of opportunities.
I’d be mortified if my wife suddenly wasn’t around, microwave Christmas dinners are just not the same.
I did a massive marinaded and grilled steak meal with all the trimmings and something nice to drink for myself on my first christmas day alone.
It was awesome.
(Have been in a relationship of some sort every Xmas day since then.)
I think that there are three aspects to being in love.
a/ Are you sexually compatible?
b/ Do your personalities work together?
c/ Are you a good team?
IMV lots of people concentrate on a initially and overlook b and c until it can't be ignored any more.
Yup, in the middle of the fall out after 23 years together 🙁
Been with my partner since we were both19....
Now both 41 and probably happier than ever with each other.
She's the only bird I've ever had other than get-your-willy-wet fly-by-night romances when I was younger.
There were certainly times when I've had wandery eyes and contemplated/pondered a life alone or with someone else, but looking back that was due to other factors*, not because of her.
*me not being happy being me and thinking the solution lay elsewhere rather than sorting myself out.
Those three points are the simplest and most rational approach I've seen yet, Kramer. Those who ticked two boxes I'm no longer with but the first to tick all three I'm still with. I don't think it's all rational or that simple though, just a good starting point.
Those three points are the simplest and most rational approach I’ve seen yet, Kramer. Those who ticked two boxes I’m no longer with but the first to tick all three I’m still with. I don’t think it’s all rational or that simple though, just a good starting point.
Thank you, although that may explain why my clipboard and questionnaire pulling technique has not been successful.
I think that there are three aspects to being in love.
a/ Are you sexually compatible?
b/ Do your personalities work together?
c/ Are you a good team?
IMV lots of people concentrate on a initially and overlook b and c until it can’t be ignored any more.
Totally agree with this. I think one big issue with the above is that at some point biology puts a strain on one or both partners with regard to the first aspect which causes problems with previously stable couples.
@devash that’s true. Also some people are very adept at hiding their true personalities for quite a lot of time.
Mrs TJ and I had our ups and downs including a separation for two years in late 20s. I really did fall out of love with her then as she destroyed my dreams
But I came also to accept my part in it. I had my dreams and she fooled herself they were hers as well and I had steamrollered her
After 2 years apart we decided to try again - we dated for a year or so then got back together full time.
Love grew again and continued to do so - a process of growing and learning for both of us and the last 25 years were good indeed
A good loving relationship takes compromise, understanding and learning. I had to learn to accept my mistakes, she had to learn to stand up to me, I had to learn to take a telling, we both had to compromise on stuff.
I takes work and effort and I am glad in the end I made that effort
37 years together. 30 years married.
Erm, not sure what you are expecting but the lust goes quite quickly and you get to a comfortable stage. I can walk out of a room / travel to a different continent / go away from the weekend without moping around or feeling bereft.
However we "work' well together , there is a cohesion and a fit.
But its never going to be like the first 4 weeks 20 years down the line.
as mrmoofo says - things change - the heady early days of lust will not last. What can replace it is a deeper understanding and appreciation of your partner as a partner in life and what they bring to enrich your life. Of course if all you have is the lust then yes that will pass in time - tho I still fancied MrsTJ like mad up to the end
the nature of love changes and it needs to be nurtured. a part of the reason for MrsTJ and I splitting was I had not learnt this and had been taking her for granted. Once I had learnt this then our love grew again
IIRC the ancients had many words for love of different sorts
On the other hand, I think in general terms I still love anyone I have ever loved. Life went various ways at various times and I ended up here, loving the person I am with now, but the others I loved once...still love, it just changed and moved on.
Utterly devoted, tickle all the boxes.
