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...and everybody else has naffed off to the pub and left you?
I turned 56 yesterday and it was the most joyless birthday I've ever had. My life feels empty at the moment, my wife dislikes intimacy, she won't go anywhere that involves culture or mental effort, my teenage son is of course a joy to me but he doesn't want to do anything other than play on his laptop and text his pals. I have no hobbies or interests, work is stressing the hell out of me, I'm royally hacked off and can't see any way out of the rut. The only pleasure I have is cycling once or twice a week, even my best mate and drinking buddy has moved to Leeds so my regular Thursday night pint and a good moan have come to an end.
Tell me this is normal for a bloke at the end of middle age!
I certainly hope it's not normal. Not sure what advice to give. No offence but s typical of your post-ride chat?
Sounds normal to me 🙁
Organise rides with randoms off here - thats what I do fairly regularly. Some times you end up making real friends, sometimes you just go out for a spin with some oddballs.
find a local mountain bike club and get yourself some new drinking and riding mates.
oh, and MTFU.
Dave
Be happy - you've put this total despair off for 27 years longer than I have!
sounds a bit like me only I'm younger and cannot even ride a bike!!
Jesus, I feel better already, thanks!
No.
A mate of mine was told a couple of days ago he has <12months to live with terminal cancer...
My life is a ****ing breeze compared to his.
, work is stressing the hell out of me, I'm royally hacked off and can't see any way out of the rut
there is your answer - take whatever steps you need to to stop work from stressing you out. I guess thats the source of the rest of the issues. stress is so damaging and its insidious in its effects
This is not quite a MTFU, but sometimes [b]you[/b] need to force change.
Enthusiasm is infectious.
you clearly need a new bike.
at the end of the day, your bike will always be there with unconditional hugs.
the more bikes you have, the more hugs you get!
You're a long time dead. Find something that you enjoy doing, and do it.
brakes, if you ever go into politics let me know.
I'll vote for you. I'll even deliver leaflets.
Kill yourself? That would end all of your an subsequently our collective suffering.
Teej is right.......organise a monthly ride with folk off here.
we are sociable animal us humans....we love meeting likeminded people and talking boolax.
and who knows you may even like it.
[i]Kill yourself? That would end all of your an subsequently our collective suffering.[/i]
See, just when you thought things couldn't get any more miserable a complete stranger comes along and gives you a metaphorical knee in the gonads.
This forum needs a ride forum for definite. It surely has to be one of the reasons it exists.
I have no hobbies or interests
What, so you just randomly hang around MTB forums and you don't even ride? 😀
Sounds to me like you need a change. I think you need to open up a dialogue with the mrs though, that sounds like a pretty crap situation. Relate maybe?
Thanks for the suggestions; I belong to a local mountain bike club and sometimes go for road rides with people from Cycle Chat, which is always entertaining.
Have you (and your wife) thought of trying relationship (or sex) counselling with Relate? (Edit: as suggested by Woody above!)
56,the end of middle-age, never thought of it like that.'ang on----56-that's me!
So what am I now-I can't be old can I?
See, just when you thought things couldn't get any more miserable a complete stranger comes along and gives you a metaphorical knee in the gonads.
I'm just telling him what he really wants to hear.
Yes, but I don't think Relate would be able to do anything about her neuroses.
Gonna be barred by the work server at 1.30, not back until after 5.30 so thanks again for suggestions....
[i]I'm just telling him what he really wants to hear. [/i]
and you'd stand at the bottom of the multi-storey shouting "Jump!" at the bloke stood at the top?
(not suggesting that the OP is in this position)
I turned 21 yesterday sat at home alone...
😯
I don't think it's age-related necessarily - I felt like that one birthday and I was in my mid 20s at the time. But as others have said, whilst your situation may not be of your own making, you're the only one who can change it. Organising bike rides with new people and marriage counselling sound like good suggestions to me.
Sorry to hear your woes but the very fact that you enjoy riding puts you well ahead of about 95% of the population in the achieving and satisfaction stakes in my book.
mrdestructo - MemberThis forum needs a ride forum for definite. It surely has to be one of the reasons it exists.
[img] https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRADfDcPc5kWgupoAhCGBARQ3gF07-SxHfMl9yVeBOj9sxjREyCqQ [/img]
ton - MemberTeej is right.......organise a monthly ride with folk off here.
we are sociable animal us humans....we love meeting likeminded people and talking boolax.
and who knows you may even like it.
You could end up with oddities like this tho :-0
[img][url= http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7088/6886573846_5daceeaea5_b.jp g" target="_blank">
blue handlebar tape and clashing 😯 blue gloves 😯
that is odd.
mrdestructo - Member
This forum needs a ride forum for definite. It surely has to be one of the reasons it exists.
Good idea them two .....
🙂
and you'd stand at the bottom of the multi-storey shouting "Jump!" at the bloke stood at the top?
I don't think that a man threatening to jump of a building is quite the same as a man bemoaning his wife and child now is it?
Where abouts do you live OP?
Lets get a ride organised, with minimum requirement of at least 2 pints and a bag of chips following it...
scud - Member
Where abouts do you live OP?Lets get a ride organised, with minimum requirement of at least 2 pints and a bag of chips following it...
+1
He's in the Ribble Valley somewhere.
Fatbike = sorted
HTH
There's always another way.......
[img] http://t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRkoWOe9pU8aHn3nj4ke8EJgVjyr8tf0QIuM4p_W-bmDhRwKC5OUg [/img]
I have a Mr Morrisey on the phone who would like to write some songs with you.
"so you go for a ride on your own,the pub on your own,you go home and you cry and you want to die".
Sometimes I love a solo ride. Try to end up on epsom downs for a sunset, break out the iPod, Great Gig In The Sky and the worlds alright by me.
Ever felt you're ploughing a furrow alone in a big field....?
All the time, and I've got 20 years on you (not that it makes any difference) My mate buggered of to OZ, each birthday feels less and less special,I find it really hard to make new friends, I feel like I'm getting grumpier and less tolerant by the day. My wife is great but I'd be lieing if there weren't days I could happily bugger off and leave her to her own devices. I'm even known at work for being a ranter and a moaner.......sorry, i'm not sure where I'm going with this.
oh yeah, the bike, the bike is like a garage based beacon of hope, I've been out 3 times this week and every time has been a delight (even todays muddy escapade where it felt like I had on slicks) Also I'm taking a fresh interest in skateboarding and may take the plunge at some point (hopefully not literally)
I know this will sound harsh, but do you maybe need to re-evaluate your marriage, maybe a break is what you (and I mean you) need, sometimes you have to be selfish for your own health.
You're looking in the wrong direction.
The problem is not your age.
The problem is not your wife.
The problem is not your son.
The problem is not your job.
Look in the mirror; there's the problem.
It's all about you and [b]your[/b] attitude to [b]your[/b] life.
How do I know? Cos 5 years ago, that was me.
I ended up running off with a younger woman, then ran off from her too. I ended up living in a single room with my clothes in bin bags, crying myself to sleep, and taking anti-depressants and alcohol in large quantities. Not big, not clever.
Go and see your GP, tell her/him how you feel.
OP, sounds about right (though not the wife thing), add in unemployment to the mix and it can be right depressing.
arranging rides with fellow local stwers, yer having a laugh. Tried no end, either never reply to emails or come up with the most useless excuses as to why they can't/don't want to ride. I've come to the conclusion that over half the people on here don't actually have bikes.
Do you do any road riding? Find a local club and join, you might be surprised how big the group rides can be, and you could meet some great people this way.
What did you do as a kid that you found enjoying? Chances are you'll still enjoy that.
It is easy for me at 23 and a student to say the above, but you never know..
Play this...once a week
Many people dread middle age and for some it can be a re-evaluation of their life ... and future. Time to take stock, as it were.
We know that we'll have to work harder at our riding, more prone to injuries and the speed at which they heal, or refuse to.
Present economy is causing intolerable stress on many people and it ain't gonna change any time soon.
Then we come to marriage. People change. People don't change. People won't change. Take your pick. You both need to do something about it, for example try Relate for counselling.
Doing nothing is [b]not[/b] an option.
Good luck.
I ended up running off with a younger woman, then ran off from her too. I ended up living in a single room with my clothes in bin bags, crying myself to sleep, and taking anti-depressants and alcohol in large quantities.
Sounds OK to me 😀
[i]Sounds OK to me[/i]
It's the way I tell it.... 😯
It was actually grim, the grimmest thing that's ever happened to me, and I still wake up at night sweating and thinking about it...
Serious question...
My life feels empty at the moment, my wife dislikes intimacy, she won't go anywhere that involves culture or mental effort, my teenage son is of course a joy to me but he doesn't want to do anything other than play on his laptop and text his pals. I have no hobbies or interests, work is stressing the hell out of me, I'm royally hacked off and can't see any way out of the rut.
Did you have a sense that your life might turn out like this?
I ended up running off with a younger woman, then ran off from her too. I ended up living in a single room with my clothes in bin bags, crying myself to sleep, and taking anti-depressants and alcohol in large quantities.
crikey!
crikey - do you feel at peace with yourself now? That was a pretty shocking post of yours and it took courage.
Er...
It changed the way I think about myself. I never thought I'd be the kind of person that would do that kind of thing, and when I did, the most difficult part of the whole thing was sitting back and looking at all the hurt and damage I caused and realising that it was all my fault.
It took a long time to come to terms with, and I'm not sure that I really have, or ever will.
To all intents and purposes, from the outside I appear to be ...over it..., but I'm still guilty, and always will be.
It's a little monkey on my shoulder, some days it's easy to ignore, somedays its not.
Hey ho... rich tapestry of life and all that.
One of the most interesting things with Laurent Fignon's biography is that even someone at the top of his profession, doing something he loved had the same problem about being unsatisfied. At one point he said:
I believe that I was ground down by everything, by the pace of a life lived at a hundred kilometres per hour and the humdrum routine that I had got into over the years. I did the same work. I rode for the same team. The same people looked after me. I came home to the same woman. It was a hard thing to admit but I needed change. I needed a revolution.
The revolution needs to start with yourself.
T.J. that did make me giggle.sometimes you just go out for a spin with some oddballs.
Looking around me I see all kinds of people with a least one major problem, or several little ones. We live in the western world where there are high expectations.
Have you thought about changing the way you live? Maybe cutting down on the work hours, spend more time in the garden, grow things, go out wildlife watching, just having a slower pace of life, do you really need the money you earn, is it a case of buying for things for your lad because he wants them etc.
Surprise the wife one night, take her out somewhere special or talk to her about organising a night/weekend away. If that fails, get counselling.
Good luck.
Thanks crikey.
TSY - if only one was born with a crystal ball! Dunno whether there's just much more general dissatisfaction around these days, perhaps the oldies aren't prepared to 'put up and shut up' as our parents did?
A question for you all - looking around your social circle, how many do you think are genuinely happy with their lot?
Go and see a therapist, it's probably the second best thing I ever did after learning to ride a bike 🙂
Really made a huge difference to my ability to see when I am being a miserable sod and more importantly why I am doing it. It's then much easier to get yourself out of the funk
I think it's to do with choices. In the olden days (!) I think peoples lives were more predictable and more insular. Given more choice, we begin to see how things could be different and we begin to yearn for different experiences and become dissatisfied with our own lives.
The interesting thing about my problems were the number of people who sidled up to me and opened up about their own lives, about their own mental health issues and about their own missed opportunities.
One of the blessings of age is that we can, if we allow it, become happier or more content with what we've got, and we can, if we allow it, realise that the grass is not always greener.
Another thing with people in the western world, they all think they are owed happiness, or should be happy all the time. It's just not possible.
Some of the happiest people I know are the ones who have a simple way of life. Maybe they are easily pleased.
Going out on a bike into the country is a simple activity, getting pleasure from the surroundings, the exercise, endorphins, company of fellow riders. Many people will never have these feelings, they buy happiness, more toys, more drugs etc. vicious circle really.
im only 31 so maybe you should ignore me but i have felt just like you describe, and for me it took the death of a very close friend to pull me out of my funk. lucy was the girl we all turned to when feeling down, she was beautiful, and full of life. and was dead 3 months after diagnosis. 3 months after riding w2 with me. she always put us boys to shame on a bike 🙂
my point is, you dont know what is just round the corner, so pull yourself together. life will not land fully formed on your lap. this life you are blessed to be living is not a rehearsal. you have to MAKE it a happy life. you did when you were young and you can again. you get one go at this thing called life, make it everything you can. there are new friends here ^^^ they really want to go for a ride and a pint with you.
get your own shit together before you make rash decisions about your marriage though, i know im not a very attractive person when im down, i bet your not either.
sorry, that seems a bit much
Wow, lots of wise words there! For a bunch of cyclists the STW massive would make pretty good therapists or psychologists!
I'm OK for riding company thanks, I can join the mountain bike club or go road riding with a buddy or a local road club. I even join the Cycle Chat forum rides occasionally and they're a bunch of eccentrics!
It's a bigger issue concerning life generally and where it's leading. As others have advised I need to start something new or do something different. A few weeks ago there was a thing doing the rounds of the internet about people's top ten dying regrets and one was "I never did things I wanted to do" while the other was "I didn't assert myself enough" so maybe there's some food for thought there.
I think most people wake up to themselves at various points in their life..
I've been depressed a few times in the past and the clearest and simplest solution has always been change..
I've always preferred profound and drastic changes.. fundamental and far reaching, to really ensure that my perspective changes too..
be good to yourself.. treat yourself with kindness.. and make changes that will improve your life..
life is a gift and to squander it regretfully is the most callous and ungrateful rejection..
just embrace change and create something for yourself.. whether the change be as small as explaining to your wife that you demand a little more stimulation from life.. or as complex as having an affair with your neighbours Oxbridge nephew.. or as simple and robust as getting divorced and living in a tent in Greece..
Experiences are the forces that shape us.. will you stoically be eroded by the weather like the granite tor or will you expand your consciousness throughout the cosmos in a cocaine fuelled sweat soaked spunk stained lung burstingly hysterical alcoholic frenzy of joy and intellectual sexual exploration..?
Does life lead and you follow or are you choosing your own path?
Depression is just like a black hole - mostly avoidable with careful steerage of your space capsule. But sometimes space aliens attack and you get pulled in a spiral toward the dark singularity. You think you cant escape as you spiral in, but you can. You have to turn to face the stars and hit full thrusters.
[it's late and I'm spaced, sorry]
Or you could do some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy or lessons like I did which I have found very helpful in understanding what was happening in my head.
Importantly, don't be so hard on yourself. In fact, start being very kind to yourself. You are, after all, a sound bloke aren't you.
Some good stuff has been said above. I'd just re-iterate the work-related stress bit. We often consider that we work hard in order to buy the stuff that makes us/keeps us happy. If that work is making you unhappy, it's a bit self-defeating.
If you are bringing that stress, unhappiness and potentially tiredness home with you, it's no wonder your Mrs is a bit distant. Are you sure you're really a nice person to be with at the moment?
I'd be taking a good look at my job and what it's doing to me before stating down any other routes, but mibbe just take a few days away with your Mrs somewhere and chill with her, talk to her....
Does your son cycle? If so, then you already have a cycling buddy. My teenager is a delight (err), but he begs for bike rides. If not, why not introduce him to the joys of off-road?
Can you cycle commute? A daily ride to and from work is a great stress-reliever. Even in tomorrow's gusty wind and rain (honestly).
And this...
Go and see your GP, tell her/him how you feel.
As a first step, you do need to talk to your wife and be completely open with your feelings. Ask her if she's happy with her life? It might not just be you who's struggling.
At this stage you do not need to see your GP.
Get a dog, Mans Best friend
Go on Nick - post a pic of your GSD. 🙂
globalti - Member
Jesus, I feel better already
Here we go again...
Even big fields have a fence to cross eventually.
So why not hop the fence into a greener pasture, I'm sure there's a better life out there for the OP, just needs to take a brave blind leap towards something better. I did it about 5 years ago, I'll be due to do it again soon.
So why not hop the fence into a greener pasture
Without trying to fix? Running away is not always the right way to do things!
Your wife may well be on the menopause, this with hormone changes can cause the loss of libido. If this is the case it's also a time when woman feel they've reached their 'shelf life', feeling older and unattractive.
You need to talk.
What about a mistress?
Could be just the ticket.