[Closed] entertain me

mrs7 and I are off to the pub if you want to join us

You've still time to completley change the thread and title to something completely innoccuous. I suggest you do so before it all goes horrible wrong....

'What tyres for...' Quick. Do it now.

Last night i was having a discussion about the time i went up on stage with two strippers, and why we paid £5 for the cucumber.

And a poor joke i heard today.

Heard on the news the other day that Boy George's reptile bit 5 people !!.. You know what that bloke needs don't you?... A Calmer Chameleon !

Someone babysit for a 18mo in Cardiff 🙂

Innoccous means more hits and means I might laugh 😉

I'd love to go to the pub but I've got little Grips too.

*is suprised at the lack of rude responses*

give them time cynic...most are probably still working

I am allegedly working. Just told my colleagues teh Boy George joke, got a good groan.

Anyway, yellow pages?

Have you tried spending time wondering why dead dogfish look so sad?

yellow pages?

Or maybe a cleaner would be a better idea as the house is a sty.

Yellow pages are not entertaining at all cynic. Don't be silly.

I've been chatting to a young girl on the Internet lately, she's only 15 but we've been getting on really well and last night I asked her to meet me, she then told me she was a policewoman and in the CID,
HOW COOL IS THAT AT FIFTEEN!!!!! 😯

Ah you guys must be too young...

*refrains from plumbing jokes*

I bought one of those "anti-bullying" wristbands this week. Well when I say bought, I actually stole it..off a short fat ginger kid..

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face & said "Mum!..Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at school!". Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say "It reminded me of a peanut".. Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked "Really?..Small was it??".. Sally replied "No...Salty!"

A study has found that women find men with rugged masculine features more attractive when they're ovulating. If they're menstruating, they're likely to prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved deep into his temple ..

?3 Irishmen stumbling home drunk 1 night passing a graveyard.Look there says Paddy,”Mike O’Grady lived til he was 87!” Sean says “That’s nothing,Paddy O’Tool lived until 95!”. Shamus yells “Good God!..Fella here was 145!”“What name?” Paddy asks,.. “Miles, from Dublin!”

khani 🙂

perhaps I could spend the evening on Wikipedia...

If I could find my sleying hook I'd be fine, but it's missing. I could improvise with a credit card but I cannot find the expired ones. Anyone think of another similar substance (credit card like plastic) I may have around the house which I could cut into a hook?

...most are probably still working

You got that right!!!

Oh you said working... I've not been at work today.

like the Miles from Dublin 🙂

cynic-al - Member
*is suprised at the lack of rude responses*

Lots of [rude] ideas but don't want to get banned!

Sorry mrsgrips but you are asking for trouble! This thread will go downhill fast...

Those are the best kind 🙂

Two builders (Dave and Stuart) are seated either side of a table in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Dave: - I reckon he's an accountant.
Stuart: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Dave: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Dave and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of him.
Dave: - 'Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession
Dave: - Oh? What's that then?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Dave: - Er ..... mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Dave: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Dave: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that, in this town, if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Dave: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house.... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it's logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married? And with a family?
Dave: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and four children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Dave: - Yep! Five times a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often?
Dave: - Do what? Not me, mate!
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Dave: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
Dave: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Dave returns to his mate.
Stuart: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Dave: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
Stuart: - What's that then?
Dave: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Stuart: - Nope.
Dave: - Well then, you're a w*nker.

I spose I could open the Niteclub a bit later. Not sure yet. See how things go, eh?

😆

(Runs off to buy a goldfish)

lol

Elfinsafety - Member

(Runs off to buy a goldfish)

And a five bedroomed house with a pond?

Oh yeah forgot that bit.

Bugger....

lol JulianA. nice one! lot of logical scientists on here!

🙂

There was a young plumber of Leigh,
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
She said, "Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!"
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me."

Was it Leigh-On-Sea? I had fish'n'chips there once. Sandy beach and everything.

See the thing is, that poem exists in french and latin as well, but can't find it

Elfinsafety - Member
Was it Leigh-On-Sea? I had fish'n'chips there once. Sandy beach and everything.

Checked yer bits for sand, Elfin?

Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
Dit-elle, "Arretez!
J'entends quelqu'un venait."
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."

Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
Er schlaeft mit ein Maedel von Linz.
Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
Ich hoere Mann kommen."
"Jacht, jacht, " sagt der Plummer. "Ich binz."

lol

It is very true having sand in one's pants is not nice.

I'm thinking of playing Civ4 this evening after I put little grips to bed. I can finish a game in about 2 hours so I could still get a decent amount of sleep for the 6am wake-up call

I din't take my pants off, which was probably wise as it was a tad chilly, being that it was April.

Quick while Mol isn't looking, make a cup of Asda's own brand instant coffee...;-)

I'll smell it, even from here.

I've just cooked up a huge chilli, sweet peppers and all, d'ya want some? shitload of chillis in there mind.

I've just ordered a takeaway for the hotel...

I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.

The missus said "What are you doing?"

"Something I learnt from online porn - it's called 'buffering'."

I'm thinking of going into business with a friend of mine. He's had a brilliant idea - making landmines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing rather well so far - he says prophets are going through the roof.

Well MrsGrips

Mrs TJ is out on the piss tonight so..

[url=

the music maestro[/url]
*Peels off shirt*

PSA:

Don't buy a quibble from Amazon. They have a 'no quibbles return policy' and now I'm stuck with it.

Friend of mine has no hands. I really feel for him.

I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night and she said mine was the biggest penis she'd ever had her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg".

I was woken up last night by the bulimic girl next door.

I banged on the wall and shouted "For god's sake, keep it down!"

Lol@cougar

However

TJ is chatting up my wife.

Oh my god

I hate women who wear too much make-up. My ex has just the right amount of foundation on her face. She's buried under the house.

Lol TJ 😉 The little one's not in bed yet so just hold that thought...that is a thought isn't it? 😉

TJ is chatting up my wife.

That's like worrying that Guernsey invading America.

*slips vest off one shoulder*

*looks coyly over other shoulder*

Bride on her wedding night says to her hubby "I must confess, I used to be a hooker".

Her husband says "Your past is your past - it's okay. ...but I must admit, it does sound quite erotic. Tell me more about it..."

She says "My name was Dave and I played for Wigan Warriors."

*removes shoe*

TJ is chatting up my wife.

I was having sex with my wife last night when she had an asthma attack. I did briefly think I was doing rather well.

*Throws sock to rapt audience*

I've just cooked up a huge chilli, sweet peppers and all, d'ya want some? shitload of chillis in there mind.

Ringburn. 😯

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That's like worrying that Guernsey invading America.

😆

My life is imploding here and you are making jokes.. I can't believe it.

You've got no chance with her TJ. You'd only end up arguing loads.

There're two things I reckon I've learnt about TJ from this forum....

1) He's bloody persistant
2) He doesn't believe in wearing protection

😯

Slips other shoe and sock off*

TandemJeremy - Member
*Throws sock to [s]rapt[/s] trapped audience*

fixed it for you

*turns back on audience*

Jesus wept.

*unzips*

*throws seductive glance*

lol

Keep going little Grips is in bed 😀

Please no. I'll do anything.

*throws seductive glance*

*Throws up*

You'll do anything Mol?

You should have been home 😉 rather than letting me get swept off my feet by your arch- [s]rival[/s] arguer 😛

Right so Civ4 or cleaning...
Civ4 or Cleaning...
hmmmm

I was having sex with my wife last night when she had an asthmatic attack.

... it's my own fault, I should've heard them coming.

lol Cougar

the missus came into the bathroom the other day whilst i was having a shower and caught me peeing.
' my god' she says, 'thats disgusting. How often have you done that in the shower?'
'Done it a few times 'i replied, ' it just sort of happens'
'What do you mean, sort of happens?' she replied
' you know , it just sort of happens when your having a shit' said i

Nooo!!!

*trousers slither to floor*

tj is giving me the creeps. can you not go off on some political tangent or sommat?

*Throws vest into corner*

Mrs TJ posting

What is going on here? I come home to find TJ with his pants on his head sitting winking at the computer!

heyup threesome!