Ending a friendship..

Choose the cowards way out. Let her get wrapped up in the new guy and wait for her to ghost you.

**** talking about your feelings.

Tell her how you feel - we only get one trip on this life, better to regret telling her than wondering if you should have.

Will give both of you closure one way or the other.

Or suggest a throuple?

Blocked her and move on. <br /><br />

She wil have known perfectly well you still liked her and hoped you’d get back together again. She just wanted your company whilst she found someone else. Do you think you would have remained pals after she got with another parter? <br /><br />

sorry, but you’ve been played. 

When I got divorced we stayed friends (mostly) through the whole process.  By the time we were at the end of it I just wanted to move on and leave that bit of past where it belonged.  We were both in good relationships and it turned out to be fairly easy and wasn't that hard a conversation in the end.  

Or escape to South America and change your identity.  

If she's got a new love, it'll drift away quickly enough for you two anyhow. Just avoid the odd call, don't pick up a whatsapp here, or there.. within a few weeks it'll become less.... next it'll just not matter.

Tell her how you feel<br />

tbh if she doesn’t know that already she must be an idiot. I don’t think any great proclamation of undying love will serve any purpose here. It’s time to move on and cut ties. 

Get to know the new guy. Be irritatingly nice to him. 

I'd vote for honesty tbh. You havent been played and shes not done anything wrong...you knew this day would come like you said. She's seeing someone but it might not last or she might stay in touch and it'll be grim hearing about it so if you care about her just let her know this is going to be too hard but you wish her well for the future then you both can move on. If you're close, ghosting is a dick move IMO.

No, honesty’s for suckas, don’t show any weakness. As joshvegas says ‘Let her get wrapped up in the new guy and wait for her to ghost you.’

You've both been complicit in a mutually agreeable 'friendship' which although not openly agreed was most likely embarked on to help you both avoid the harder emotions of a breakup.

One of you has found a new focus, an inevitable outcome of that decision , you were hoping it would be you but sadly it's not.

Be upfront for nothing else than your integrity. You avoided the difficult part first time around, you have to face that down now.

sorry, but you’ve been played.

On what basis? Where's the evidence she's led him on? As for the OP, seems strange to me to cut ties completely if you are genuinely good friends. Sure, that friendship will likely grow more distant whilst she's in a relationship but was the only reason you previously stayed friends because you hoped it would lead to you getting back together or was it more you enjoyed the friendship and just hoped it led to more at some point? If the latter then why not give the new more distant friendship a go, it might give you the space to move on but without losing a friend at the same time. Ofc, if wanting more than a friendship is stuck in your head and at best a distraction then yes you want to drastically reduce any contact you have with her but ghosting her would be a bit of a dick move.

Yeah you are right ghosting is not going to be the done thing here. She hasn’t done anything wrong and deserves more than that.

Be upfront for nothing else than your integrity. You avoided the difficult part first time around, you have to face that down now.

unfortunately this is pretty much spot on.  Should have moved on at the time. Always knew I was just putting it off until latter down the line, need to just man up and get it over with

Why not just say that you don't feel you can have her in your life at the moment and you need space to move on with your life. 

You don't need to be mean about it or explicitly say that you're no longer friends.

I would go quiet and let them get on with it, be there for her if she messages you in any way.  If she wants to come back to you/talk to for any reason she will.

If you force it you’ll become the irritating 3rd wheel seemingly wanting the relationship to end, and that won’t endear her to you at all.

Shag her sister / mother

Woah there cowboy, and Calm Down Dear to all the proto Andrew Tates.

There is a lot of space between spending less time with a friend and blocking somebody, which is a nasty thing to do.

You will probably find this happens naturally as she will have less time to spend with you and her new bloke might not be too comfortable with it.  She may not even notice, but if she does, what is wrong with saying "you have moved on it is time I did too - hope you are very happy".  Or even - "do you have any nice single friends?".

Good luck.

"it's obvious that I like you a lot and I think it'd be unfair on your new bloke for me to be hanging around as we've become used to - it's probably good for me too, in the long run"

"so how about a swifty for old times' sake?"

Carry on being friends.

Either she'll not have time to see you because she's seeing him.

Or he'll get the hump that she's spending time with you.

8n 2hich case, she'll see you less or see him less.

Or you and him might become mates and he sets you up with a friend of his.

Unless by "friend" you mean fwb which you now exoect to come to an end.

Great song written by Willie Nelson but nailed by Al Green as he's done with so many covers over the years

Be honest with her. <br /><br />

To me it sounds like you need some space to be able to move on with your own life

Besides I’m sure the new bloke in her life will find the current setup a bit odd 

You'll probably find that she will spend more time with her new boyfriend and less with you anyway, so just let it happen. Don't burn any bridges but just let the friendship fade away a bit. This should give you a chance to spend more time looking for someone new. 

I do feel your pain though. Good luck in meeting your next life partner. 

Slightly different, but I was in a will they, won’t they, that never did. Neither of us in the same place at the same time. Was a great friendship but got to the point I felt I was stuck, so I was honest and said I thought it was best we didn’t stay in touch. Was awful at the time but definitely the right move. 

Anyone saying block her, are you 16?

Just let it take it's natural course, don't be full on with the messaging, drop her a line every now and then and see how she is. As has been said, she'll probably contact you less anyway.

Seems odd to be willing to lose a good friend just because she's found a man. Yes, it can be tough to see, but (no offence intended), grow a set, be happy for her and let things ride.

Don't be a dick about it and you will probably still be friends in 10/20 years. Who knows, the flame may re-ignite - just don't cling on to that hope

need to just man up and get it over with

Have you thought about literally doing that and experimenting with a half rice/half chips lifestyle?

Pretty sure the new guy will make it very clear, very quickly, that he's not happy with her being close friends with her ex!

Make your real feelings known or accept it's over. You can't move on with your life while you are still holding a torch for her.

Although 40+ years on I still hold a torch for 'Katie' from my school days. Took me months to pluck up the courage to ask her out and she knocked me back. She was lovely - what could have been!... 🤣

it should just fizzle out, we've all had good friends, male female that you lose touch with, still have the great memories, no point cutting bridges.

takes a while to be happy on your own, then someone will come along and shatter it :0)

As above, unless the new boyfriend is very relaxed about the whole thing he will have issues with it soon enough. <br /><br />
But, all that is irrelevant.  You need to move  on so you can start living your life for yourself and hopefully have a new relationship with someone over time.   What you choose to tell your ex is up to you,  either let it wane over time or tell her now.

But really, just tell her you need to move on with your life too and that being so close with her isn't part of that.

I'm pleased (through gritted teeth) that you've found someone new.
I'm still around if you need anything, bit it's probably best if you concentrate on that relationship for a while without me being in the mix.
I'll send you a Christmas card.

You don't have to go in telling her all about how you really wanted to get back with her as that could come across as trying to get in the way of her new relationship, but I'd be honest with her and tell her that you don't think you can handle it the way it is so need some space. Hopefully she'll understand and respect that and you'll still be able to say hi in the future. The new BF will probably respect that as well, so any future bumping in to each other won't be as difficult.

Ghosting is not getting over it in your head, you'll never truely know how it would have gone down. If she was being a dick, then jjust ****ing her off is fine, but she's been a friend so she (you both) deserves honesty. Just don't go into it to thinking that being honest might bring her back to you. Do it for closure.

I don't understand why you can't stay friends. Maybe this is for your mental health/sanity? But if I cared at all about someone I would be pleased they were happy and I would far rather be part of their life than not in it all.

If you need a clean break - be honest and say that. If you don't want that, stay friends.

I don’t understand why you can’t stay friends.

Because he's never wanted her as a friend, he was simply waiting and hoping it blossomed into more again. She's not actually his friend.

Same advice as @didnthurt. She'll want to spend time with her new fella, you don't really need to do anything really, certainly nothing drastic, just let the friendship fade into your background a bit.  it hurts a bit, but at the end of the day, try to be happy for your friend.

Ghosting is for sociopaths.

Have the difficult conversation, you'll feel better. 

The thing is - you are not ending a friendship as you never saw it just as a friendship seeing as you always hoped you would get back together. So now you need to decide – do you want to be just friends with her or is it too painful to see her with another man? If that is the case, then you have no choice but to stop meeting her and pretending you are friends and accepting that's all it will ever be.

FWIW, I was with someone for a few years, we split up yet remained good friends (although I always hoped for something more, despite her being in occasional relationships with other men). After about 18 months, I decided it was time to move on, met someone else and carried on the friendship with the ex. Then came midnight at the Millenium, I was hosting a house party and the ex called to wish me all the best for the new Millenium and suggested we meet the next day. We met. We got back together. We married. We now have two teenage children.

Can't believe no-one has suggested coke and hookers, wee, patios or sausages.

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She’s not actually his friend<br />

well she was before we hooked up, and she still is now. But I’ll admit I wanted it to be more than that

i absolutely need a clean break, I should have had one 2 years ago. It’s just occurred to me we are meant to be going on holiday in a few months to meet up with some friends. I’ll need to bin that off and try to get a refund!

i absolutely need a clean break, I should have had one 2 years ago.

As was the case for me, you'll then find out if she wants more or just only wanted to be friends.

Sign him up for some industrial strength porn and make sure she finds out.

experimenting with a half rice/half chips lifestyle?

oi, some of us are effectively keto!

In my experience, sometimes people keep someone close as a spare until they meet someone more desirable. It sounds a pretty horrible tactic but I'm not sure that it's always a conscious thing, it just kind of happens and thinking about it is a pretty good tactic in the long run.

Personally I'd distance myself from an ex and only keep in touch if we had a vested interest together, I'd find it too painful to see them close up with someone else. I've friends who have stayed in touch with their exes and had great friendships with them, but I think that just means that the person in question didn't really mean all that much to them anyway.

I think you need to be honest with her, shoot the puppy and move on. If you just let it go a bit quiet while she gets busy with her new beau you run the risk of that new relationship not lasting very long and then your still mates and back at square one 6 months later.

What's the betting that OP will do nothing, end up letting the new boyfriend join her and the group of friends on holiday, and have to watch them being all loved-up for a fortnight?

🙂

You need a new ride (bike and otherwise)

What’s the betting that OP will do nothing, end up letting the new boyfriend join her and the group of friends on holiday, and have to watch them being all loved-up for a fortnight?<br />

I’ll happily take that bet because it won’t be happening! 

I think honesty is the best approach, I will call her tonight, then drown my sorrows with a nice bottle of red…

thanks for all the opinions folks👍

You had your chance, and it's gone. You've been living in no-mans land, scrabbling around on your knees eating cockroaches.

Get up and leave France.

Love! Send!

as Pilgrim would say 😉

I will call her tonight

I honestly don't think you need to do that – you are friends, she's just got a new partner. It strikes me as a bit odd to be calling her to say 'Despite us being friends, I won't be your friend anymore as you have a boyfriend'. Just let things naturally fall away, accept she never wanted more, and get on with living your life.

You’ve been living in no-mans land, scrabbling around on your knees eating cockroaches.

#curiouslyspecificmetaphors

But on the other hand I don’t know if I can face being honest with her about ending the friendship

Why does the friendship have to end?

As Joni Mitchell eloquently puts it:

"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone."

OP did you split up with her, or her with you?

I've just had someone (metaphorically) slam the phone down on me and go silent after i mentioned that i was seeing someone.

She's had three different opportunities to actually date me in addition to me asking her twice, she said no, let stay friends.

So we stayed friends (and i had no feelings/intentions beyond that).

Apparently she did.
Will see if there is any further contact, or if she just drops off the first page of my contacts!

Pretty sure the new guy will make it very clear, very quickly, that he’s not happy with her being close friends with her ex!

All you guys making comments like this, are you still teenagers? Unless it was a particularly toxic or unpleasant breakup, there's no real reason to not still be friends with an ex. I mean, i really hope you were friends and had plenty in common before you started bumping uglies? I still have a good number of exes who i have friendships with, some it's a few messages every now and again, others it's a steady dialogue, you know, like you would with a mate.

OP did you split up with her, or her with you?<br />

her with me. <br /><br />

that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.”<br />

in fairness I did know what I had when I had it, hence I wanted her back! But it’s a great tune all the same…

her with me.

Ok, in that case this friendship is likely to be toxic, because you've not been honest with yourself, and by extension, her.

I'd bite the bullet, not make a big deal over things, but tell her that it's made you realise that you still have feelings for her, and that's not healthy for either of you, so you're going to give her space with her new relationship and you hope that she'll respect the same boundaries for you.

I wouldn't recommend drowning your sorrows with a bottle of red afterwards, both for the obvious reasons, and because it's likely to impair your judgement if she carries on communication.

In order for something new to come into our lives, we need to make space for it.

That space can feel scary, especially at first.

I wonder how many potential partners have been put off because they've seen you hanging around with this woman?

I'm a big believer in "If it ain't a hell yeah from both, especially at the beginning, then move on to the next."

for the obvious reasons

Drinking too much wine primes the bladder ready for weeing in the new boyfriends shoes?

There is no need to call her and say you still have feelings for her etc. She knows you still hold a candle for her. She’s known ever since she broke up with you.

It’s not a friendship you have with her, it’s you hanging about hoping she’ll changed her mind. That’s a toxic relationship. Now whether this has been for her benefit keeping you as insurance policy OR for your mutual benefit- well that depends on how charitable your being.

Op, time to get on with your life and by the sounds of it, it would better if your ex wasn’t part of it.

Don’t drown your spirits with a bottle of red. Go for a ride to get some endorphins and then fire up Tinder.

What you describe is almost exactly what happened to me nearly 15 years ago. We got together in our early 20's, got a house, had loads of plans but then through various issues, including family deaths and the following grief on both sides, we split up. We rebuilt the friendship and I stayed very close to her family, some of which I considered close friends (which obviously made a clean break difficult) and this drifted on for years, until one day she met someone else.

Emotionally it felt like splitting up again but I had to accept that she had not really done anything wrong (except borrowing money that she never paid back). Pretty much from that point I cut off contact, which she did not resist, and it was the best thing I ever did. Over the years we'd been 'friends' I'd dated but never with much enthusiasm but once properly single I soon got back in to the game, met my wife and now we're very happily married with two children and a great life together! Do it, you'll look back and be glad you did.

Chestrockwell has a good point, make sure and borrow some money off her first....

Emotionally it felt like splitting up again but I had to accept that she had not really done anything wrong<br />

yeah it does feel like that tbh. No idea why as it was always on the cards. I don’t bare her any ill will at all, she hasn’t done anything wrong

And like you I’ve met a few girls over the past couple of years but my heart was really never in it. So I will try to see this as an opportunity to start a fresh new chapter!

What you describe is almost exactly what happened to me nearly 15 years ago.

I think that all of us have been tempted to be orbiters at some point in the past, I know I have.

These days I realise that there's no point in pushing against closed doors.

I don’t bare her any ill will at all, she hasn’t done anything wrong

I have no problem with people remaining friends for whatever reason after a break-up, but I do think that her going on holiday with you is a bit rich on her part.

In my experience, it's perfectly possible to remain friends with an ex, but you first need a clean break in the order of months if not years to first acknowledge and moreover accept that you're no longer partners. You've seemingly not done this, you've been treading water for two years deluding yourself that everything's normal and waiting for her to see you for the studmuffin you are. Aside from anything else that's not fair on you, what other opportunities might you have missed?

As for 'what to do?' I'm with Johndoh here. Why do anything at all? Whatever is going on in your head, she dumped you two years ago. You ringing up in the evening for a "talk" is not going to end positively for either party. You're acting like you need to break up with her when the reality is that there's nothing to break off and an actual friend going "I can't see you any more" is weird and could be interpreted by her to be a little bit creepy. (Giving her the benefit of the doubt that she's oblivious rather than a narcissist who knows full well how you feel and just enjoys the attention.)

I'm blessed to have a number of people in my life who I consider to be very close friends (I know right, I was shocked too). We can go days, weeks, years without seeing each other and when we do get together it's like we've never been apart. I went to a Uni mini-reunion a little back, maybe a dozen guys some of whom hadn't seen each other for a quarter of a century. It was strange and awkward... for about ten minutes, until we got over the notion that we're all variously greyer, balder or wider than we were in the 1990s. That's what friends are, at no point have any of us felt the the need to have a "conversation." If for some reason I didn't want to see one of them for a while I just... wouldn't see them for a while. This is perfectly normal behaviour between adult friends.

I do think that her going on holiday with you is a bit rich on her part.

I assume she is paying for her holiday.

but I do think that her going on holiday with you is a bit rich on her part.

tbf we pretty much did everything together, so much so that a good few of our mutual friends assumed we were still dating. I’d be the one acting as the surrogate boyfriend when it came to pretty much everything, from house hunting, to diy, to driving half way across the country to pick up her new car.

None of which I regret doing, but on reflection it was probably less about wanting ‘me’ to help her, and more about her needing a stand in boyfriend during a not particularly great time in her life (without any of the benefits!)

Drinking too much wine primes the bladder ready for weeing in the new boyfriends shoes?

I've seen this movie before. It's a bad idea because he'll think "I'll just have one, dutch courage" before ringing her, then finally make the call at 2am halfway through a third bottle. 😁

I assume she is paying for her holiday

yep..

I struggle with the idea of staying close friends with an ex. Just seems odd to me.

That's perfectly normal Cougar - for guys.  I would like to say "women" in general but the sample size is low so, more specifically, my wife, has different ideas and if she hasn't spoken to someone for sometime they become "less" friends.  She says "used to be friends" like friendship has some kind of half life.

I guess it rings true to an extent but there's definite truth in your suggestion that it's

Relationships are tricky at the end as it's always more over for one than the other.  It's very rare for no-one to get hurt in the break up.  I'd say the OP finds himself in not a bad position as he's at least aware of the situation and has had the pleasure of her company for some time post split and has come to terms with it.

Agree on not bothering with the phone call, it'll do no-one any favours. Just give her some space, her end will sort itself out as she spends more time with the other guy and he won't want any competition.

Because he’s never wanted her as a friend, he was simply waiting and hoping it blossomed into more again. She’s not actually his friend.

Very much this.

Although 40+ years on I still hold a torch for ‘Katie’ from my school days. Took me months to pluck up the courage to ask her out and she knocked me back. She was lovely – what could have been!

A few years ago I matched on Tinder with someone that I hung out with when I was younger, but never got together with because our windows of availability had never really overlapped.

I'd held a candle for her for years.

She was a nice woman, but when I met up with her I realised that there was a reason that we'd not got together.

It’s very rare for no-one to get hurt in the break up.

IME, people just tend to behave badly until a crisis is triggered. My last couple, in retrospect I obviously wasn't making them happy, and so they were acting out. I suspect in both cases we were both happy to go our separate ways.

I've behaved pretty lousily in my younger days too, so I can't judge.

but when I met up with her I realised that there was a reason that we’d not got together.

{Insert gif from The Crying Game here}

yeah it does feel like that tbh. No idea why as it was always on the cards. I don’t bare her any ill will at all, she hasn’t done anything wrong

And like you I’ve met a few girls over the past couple of years but my heart was really never in it. So I will try to see this as an opportunity to start a fresh new chapter!

Honestly mate, after the initial shock it will feel like a relief. In my case, certainly after a while I never really expected to get back together and knew even if we did it would be a disaster but for some reason I kept the friendship going. I never had a conversation with her about not contacting each other as I didn't need to. I stopped ringing and she stopped calling. Don't over think it.

@ad678 very good.

I suppose the real question is, are you wanting to tell her you can't be friends because you don't want to keep her in your life if she moves on, or because you want to get back with her and are hoping she actually feels the same and will come running?

Because they are different conversations. If your real hope here is to say i cant do this in the hope she says "lets get back together", then IMO the best way is to be direct and ask her how she feels??. What have you got to lose? It's probably not going to go how you want but don't regret not trying if it's what you want.

I've had ex's that I think were great and on reflection wish I'd kept in touch with after a few years had passed (didn't feel like that at the time), so maybe just a bit of space is what you both need without ' breaking up'.

Hail Marys and Come To Jesus' rarely work.

Or you could just ask, communicate like an adult,  saving the risk of crossed wires, games, anguish and time. Or just leg it. But don't expect her to come running after you and make your life harder.