Emotionally detached from parents. Anyone else?

Is your anger and resentment towards them justified? Is it possible that you are suffering some sort of mental health issue which might be causing or contributing towards these feelings? What did the counselor have to say, and how did they respond to your stated goal?

I don’t even know if my father is still alive and I moved away to get distance from my mother. Don’t have much in the way of feelings for either of them. That sometimes makes me feel like a bad person. Sometimes makes me feel sad. Most of the time it doesn’t affect me.

The counselor was confused I guess but I made it very clear I was paying for someone I didn't know to listen to me and see what they could see. I wasn't looking for a solution but I'm aware enough something needs to be done.

In terms of mental health I'm confident I'm good.

Can’t really help without knowing much more detail, but one thing your wrote really jumped out at me.

Whenever I’m talking to someone and I hear

I should be 

it rings massive alarm bells for me, because I’ve had it picked up on myself, and it’s a sign that you’re conflicted.

It sounds as if your parents have let you down in the past. If they have then that’ll be the source of your conflicted feelings about them.

It also sounds like there may well be some ongoing emotional manipulation on their part, with regard to their health.

The long and short of it is, contrary to popular belief, you are not automatically indebted to your parents. They chose to have you, with all the obligations that entails. You did not have a choice in the matter, and therefore could not have consented to any perceived agreement on their part. If more parents realised this, and acted like it, then I’ve no doubt that the world would be a better place.

You say that this is affecting your relationship with your wife and kids. That’s where I’d concentrate your efforts if I were you.

Funkmaster has summed up my situation too. At some point my parents let me down as caregivers (when I was a baby) and I have some sort of disassociate issue that effects me throughout life. 

@Kramer, your post above has helped me more than you could imagine. Cheers pal!

I certainly went through a period when I was emotionally distant from my parents. TBH neither of them ever showed much "love" towards me, not that I was mistreated in any way, just that they weren't very demonstrative. Things changed latterly, in some ways too late. However, I never came away with the sort of feelings you're talking about.  in fact, I'd say that you're not "emotionally detached" enough if that's the effect that seeing them has on you!

It might seem impossible, but maybe you have to accept that you don't have a duty to them. That might reset your expectations of how you should behave and feel. And, as a poster above says, I'd be trying to protect my relationship with wife and kids first.

@sandboy that’s nice to hear, you’re very welcome.

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Did your parents meet your emotional needs as a child?

This is something that you could explore with a professional talking therapist and may, or may not, explain some of why you feel like you do now.

I read that K57 before you removed it. Very helpful and thanks for sharing.

Onion, I recall when you wer going through some of that

I'm ok with my parents but my sister is a completely different story. I pass her house any time I'm driving to ride and I cannot be less bothered to see her. Which means no contact with nephew but I've had very little up to now so ..
My main concern with her is how much she's taking advantage of my parents good will.

I’m horrible to be around after seeing them and tonight had to go for a walk then isolate myself in the garden and eat outside as I’m incapable of being around my wife and kids when I feel like this.

this was the main bit that I picked up in your post, and I think: yeah, cool. You know yourself. You know you need to take yourself away for a moment. You don’t sound ashamed of this, good, you definitely shouldn’t be.

Edit: and by “picked up on” I really mean: related to. Me and my partner both struggle sometimes and know when we need to bugger off and be on our own, away from the kids, sometimes even if that needs a deep dig of effort from one another.

Made good use of the space and time too. Popped the lights on, lit the pit and enjoyed a decent curry. It was about 3 degrees but it helped heaps.

Sorry I thought it was a bit too much and unfortunately "the internet" can use things against you.

In summary as above, we are coloured by our experiences but lets try to do better with our own families and not feel that the past is a template for the future.  None of us are perfect, but we can all strive to provide a better experience for our children,

@ojom, that all sounds very familiar.
As far as your last comment goes about how you might feel after their deaths, don't panic. I felt f-all when my mum died, if anything a weight was lifted from my shoulders as she would no longer be my personal emotional vampire.
I wait with baited breath to see what my reaction to my dad's death will be (nah, not really bothered either way).

My dad let me down when I needed him to be there and I ended up being molested . There's no way back from that . So yes , you are not alone in not really wanting much to do with your parents. You probably only see them as a sense of duty rather than enjoying their company. Plus you may feel it's the right thing to do for your kids , let them meet their grandparents .
If they are toxic I would limit exposure and not leave them there overnight or for extended periods of time but only you can make that choice.

I limit my kids exposure to my mother and my eldest has just started asking questions about my father. It can be tough. My mother was (is) emotionally manipulative and selfish. My father was a violent alcoholic. Last thing I heard he was in a home with early onset dementia caused by the drinking.

Similar to the OP, after visiting my mother I’m not great to be around. My younger brother and sister (who has Aspergers) still live with her and it angers me how she has manipulated both of them in to staying with her. Feel for you OP. You don’t owe them anything but I can get how that’s difficult to come to terms with. I’m definitely ****ed up because of my parents and upbringing!

Some good comments above.

What strikes me is you seem to have good reason to be upset or angry but your response is disproportionate

I would echo others in that talking therapy could well help

That and limit cotact.  Once again everyone has their limits and these limits vary hugely.   Once you go beyond your limits then resentment and anger grow.

I could have written that.

Ive issues with my mum. Every time I see her I come away feeling unbelievably low.  Mainly due her poor lifestyle choices now impinging on everyone. More so my sister who still lives near her.

I also don't get on with her so much. Not that I dont like her she just winds me up. 

I genuinely have a mild panic when one of them phones me because generally its something they have done and they need me to fix it.

Got so bad last year i bought a PAYG sim gave no one my number n disappeared to islay for a week with my dog knowing no one knew where I was.  That was awesome

Thanks to all for the replies. They are useful. Have a fine Sunday.

Not specifically parents in my case, though I certainly don't think they were perfect and my siblings had their criticisms, some of which might even be justified.

But if you scratch the surface even the happiest of families probably has some tensions somewhere. It's not unusual and not something to stress about IMO. People have disagreements and move apart for all sorts of reasons and there's no reason to expect family members to be immune from it (on the contrary, the close proximity can make things harder). I'm lucky to have mostly got on with most of them, but there's one exception....

Did your parents meet your emotional needs as a child?

I'd like to amend my comment above, a subtle but significant change:

Were your parents able to meet your emotional needs as a child?

Not seen a post like this before but rings true with me.

I have a very difficult relationship with my parents. I find it very difficult to not get angry around them, they can’t do anything right, I hate myself for being this way around them so try and avoid spending time with them, but they are getting older and need my support more.

It took me to my 40’s to understand my feelings, but I can’t change towards them now, only I 100% make sure I dont make the same mistakes they did with my own son.

Childhood had domestic violence aimed at my Mum, as I got older I tried to stop it but my Dad would then be violent towards me (only a hand full of time)<br /><br />

There was also further mental abuse from both parents of nothing I did ever being good enough. This was not conscious abuse, I don’t think they ever realised they did it, they still do it now as I’m a successful fully grown adult. They even occasionally do it with our son!

Weirdly though in some ways it was a very loving family life, in some ways having a family life some could only dream of. If it was so much worse I could have walked away and not feel guilty

My wife tried talking to them about it all (she’s seen first hand how they always think the worst of me). They acknowledged the domestic violence, apparently my Dads response was I should have got over it by now, they couldn’t rationalise the mental negative comments at all

I keep away as much as I can even though they live close. I dread the day my Mum dies , the idea of having to care for my Dad feels me with dread. <br /><br />

God knows how I will cope when my Dad dies, I feel like I will have no emotion, and feel right now that I won’t want to go to the funeral but more that others will expect me to

i did a thread about this a few years ago.

quick version is, i never met my real father. the man who me i was told was my father was not. he was the father of my 2 older sisters, but left when i was 2 years old.

so i was brought up by my mother, being told lies and preached hate and nastiness about this bloke who wasnt my dad. and it really messed me up, thinking he had left and didnt love me, didnt even want to meet me.

i grew up with no role models to follow at all. never had any men in my life at all, no grandfather either.

then when i was 50 totally out of the blue, my mother told me that the bloke who she had told me was my dad all my life, well he wasnt. my dad was a bloke she had a affair with while she was still married to my sisters dad,

she told me he was the only bloke she had ever loved, but he was married and wouldnt leave his family for her whilst she had the baggage of 2 other kids. so she had resented my sisters all the time since, blaming them for not having a better life. yet her treatment and affection for me was the total other we. i could do no wrong in her eyes, i was her little angel. it was like all her affection for the bloke ( my dad ) was aimed at me. i never saw it, or even realised as a kid growing up. but my sister did, it caused loads of problems, to the point i dont see or speak to them.

my wife has always noticed it too. she is right.

so i am now at the point where is hate my mother, pure hate too. no love or feelings for her at all. i see her once a week, out of duty. and she knows this now too. we had a conversation where i told her to her face that i hated her and didnt love her. i feel that everything wrong in my life has been caused by her lies to me over 50 years.

she is 83 now with failing health. and i cant honestly say, when she dies, there will be no sadness for me.

I was the same until I saw my mum in a hospital bed in a coma.

I’m not a parent but holding  her hand and stroking her hair gave me a glimpse into the love that a parent must have for a child.

Sense of duty and ‘but they’re your family’ are two things that really don’t wash with me. The way I see it, and this may sound harsh, I owe my parents nothing. All they’ve given me is issues that impact me to this day. Neither of them should’ve had kids to be honest.

Doing things out of a sense of duty or because you "should" is usually a route to resentment.

Do things because you want to.  If you don't want to don't do them

YOu may want to out of compassion

I get on well with my parents - in small doses but I have told themI will only ever see them when I want to.  I don't want to end up resenting them

that "want" may be because of compassion not joy but its still a want not a should

Refreshing to see such openness in people's comments. I've often noticed how people who've had unfortunate early-life experiences are attracted to the totally immersive/escapist/flow activities like mountain biking, rock climbing and surfing. And for many, all three.

I'm pretty much emotionally detached from my parents, they only live 3 miles away and I see them a few times a year, mainly when my Dad phones asking for DIY help. It doesn't really bother me seeing them, I just don't have any need to see them and it doesn't do anything for me. They're just not a part of who I am anymore.

As a 70 year old with 3 kids between 37 and 41, and 5 grandkids...

You owe your parents nothing. The deal is that anything given to you by your parents is paid down to the next generation.

I say this from a very fortunate position...we have a great relationship with all of our children and grandchildren, in fact we're staying with our daughter and her splendid partner this weekend for our 4yr old granddaughter's birthday party, and to see the 1 yr olds first steps.

If we need help, they've got enough in their lives going on. We certainly don't want to be a burden. And if they didn't want to spend time with us, that would have been our neglect coming back to bite us. The only people who have our unconditional love are our kids and grandkids (and that doesn't mean we have to like them 😎)

have a listen to All in the Mind that was on R4 Tuesday just gone- had a section re estrangement from parents.<br />STW bonus for an appearance from Prof Alice Roberts.

I have this with my 93 year old dad, the way he treated/spoke to my mum since I can remember has done me in, since my mum died just before COVID I struggle to give him an hour of my time every 5 weeks if he's lucky

He has no interest in what my two kids are up to or me just boring chat about the village or his one or two pals

Will I miss him when he goes I don't think so

Maybe I need therapy my sister reckons definitely no, I let my kids get on with their lives and speak to them as equal adults

Even though I don't like their mother I would never speak bad of her to my kids

@BigJohn

You owe your parents nothing. The deal is that anything given to you by your parents is paid down to the next generation.

I say this from a very fortunate position…we have a great relationship with all of our children and grandchildren,

These two things are not unconnected.