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When I was about 17, I was backing out of a parking space in a shopping centre car park, when a car already driving passed and peeped its horn at me. I had clocked him and was in the midst of stopping when it happened, but what I am about to say has nothing to do with 'fault'. The fact is, I got so anxious about the little incident that I could hardly drive home. My dear friend who was with me couldn't understand what I got so upset about, and although I knew it was irrational, I couldn't really stop myself. The fact is, I fretted about it for hours - until enough stuff happened in the meantime to allow me to put it out of my mind.
So in fact, I have always been like this.
But today, in the midst of organising a conference, I received an email back from an invitee saying he could not make it, but that he was upset for having seen his name 'used' in the invitation materials. Now, in fact, the only names listed were his and those of the other four speakers, circulated exclusively among themselves. I have organised conferences before, and have always told the invitees who else has been invited; it allows them to determine if it is something they want to be involved with, and the sort of tone it will have.
But whether I committed a faux pas or not in having shared the names - just as quite apart from whether I was at fault when the car peeped at me all those years ago - when people get upset with me, my anxiety skyrockets, and I become somewhat paralysed for hours. And unfortunately, nothing today has happened to distract me from the message I got stating that my invitee is upset at my actions.
Does this happen to anyone else? All I can think of now is my friends and acquaintances, so many of whom would just brush it off and move on. Indeed, I am sure that if someone was reading the message I received over my shoulder, they would probably just laugh, say 'what a prick' and crack on with other work. But I don't. I have been broody all day.
So, am I alone? Should I be seeking therapy, or just ploughing on, or taking the fact that someone has got upset with me even closer to heart, and staying paralysed?
Does any of what I have just written even make sense?
I can be a bit like that sometimes, but seemingly at random times rather than a constant reaction to the same sort of thing.
Normally I am in the "what a prick - delete email" camp.
Sometimes I would email back straight away and explain in an attempt to rectify things.
And sometimes I would be where you are now.
No rhyme or reason as to which one I land in either (or at least not one I have figured out)
Its sounds like you are taking something to heart when it perhaps doesn't deserve that much emotional investment.
It also sounds like you use the next big thing to bump it off into second place.
I'm on t'phone so the best help i could offer would be to call you rude names to help reorder things?
Write back and state that you are sorry they couldn't attend and that the subject of the conference has now been changed to "throwing toys out of the pram" and they are case study number one.
Send him a text telling him that you're upset that he's upset.
He sends an email?...you send a text.
He sends one of yours to a counsellor? ....You send one of his to a psychiatrist.
That's the Chicago way.
Seriously though ....Don't sweat the small stuff ( and it's all small stuff)*
*I read a book caled that once. It's not a bad philosophy.
Does this happen to anyone else?
Yep, these things ruminate around in my head for months - some years.....
I sometimes wish I had more of the 'don't give a shit' gene....
Yes I'm like that although depending on the severity of the perceived problem i would normally stop thinking about it a bit quicker than a few hours but when it 1st happens i feel terrible. Tight chest, butterflies in stomach. Partner would brush it off easily but i get upset and he doesn't understand why i can't just switch off the 'giving 2 ****s'
It's like i hate the thought that this person I've aggrieved thinks I'm a bad person and I want to be able to fix that.
Recent very minor example. Walking down a country path and our dog suddenly changes direction and runs in front of an elderly lady with hiking poles. No collision but could have tripped her possibly if timing was worse and i get a mouthful and a grumpy glare. I felt horrible for a few minutes and my internal dialogue was like 'if only she knew how lovely and well behaved my dog is and how we are responsible dog owners' whereas partner barely registered what happened and certainly wasn't upset by it.
The driving one I sort of get. Happens occasionally to me and usually I want the chance to explain that actually they were the one in the wrong and it wasn't my fault but they will be long gone. Had one recently on a mini roundabout, someone braked and beeped at me when I had priority. Happens a bit on the bike too. The email one I'd be firmly in the move on camp. You can apologise, say it's what you normally do but you you'll keep their name off in future, and that should be enough.
Yes. I took a broken computer keyboard to the skip at the weekend (successfully by bike, but that's another thread... 😀 ), and when I got home my partner told me it was actually working, and the broken one was in a cupboard.
It was probably a £12 keyboard, it was free from work anyway, and we've got another, but I'm still angry at myself now. So wasteful. Stupid.
Also, how the hell have you managed to raise eight kids without developing skin thicker than a rhino?
They'll cause you more emotional turmoil in a single weekend than could be achieved by a lifetime of passive aggressive emails.
Recent very minor example. Walking down a country path and our dog suddenly changes direction and runs in front of an elderly lady with hiking poles. No collision but could have tripped her possibly if timing was worse and i get a mouthful and a grumpy glare. I felt horrible for a few minutes and my internal dialogue was like ‘if only she knew how lovely and well behaved my dog is and how we are responsible dog owners’ whereas partner barely registered what happened and certainly wasn’t upset by it.
Yep same would happen to me, although as I'm the walker in that situation I've lost count of the number of times a dog owner has tried to explain how lovely and well behaved their dog is when it blatantly isn't or they're walking someone elses dog! Happens a lot in the Lake District where no one seems to use leads and let their very poor trained dogs run riot chasing sheep, trying to bite random strangers etc.
8 kids?
Please tell me you don't give the missus a seeing to every time you get upset?
My best advice would be to try to learn to accept that you will encounter these situations and try to rationalise them as best you can.
It's also OK to feel things, no matter how that internal monologue plays out; you are allowed to feel concern and even distress with regard to your interpretation of your actions, but the advice of others to not take it too much to heart is valuable as well.
I totally get this.
I don't get paralysed though I just feel low for hours, days or even decades whenever it comes up. However, not if I can prove to myself it's not my fault. In the car park scenario I would have been able to demonstrate to myself that they were being unreasonable. However in the case of the conference invite I would be worrying forever that I had upset them.
Saying that you shouldn't worry about doesn't really help tbh, because it's obvious. And yet it still happens. I think it's because a) you are aware of it, b) you are sensitive to it and c) because you care. None of which are bad things.
Yes - a tiny thing can really annoy me and I can spend hours or even days running the whole scenario back in my head.
Big things like illness and death I can deal with fine though.
Things from years ago come back to haunt me on a regular basis and have done forever. The most innocuous most ridiculous nothings, that nobody will ever recall but me. I find myself screaming in my own head 'why did I say that???' Nobody commented at time or replied angrily its just some stupid thing that sticks in my head and wont go away.
Its pathetic and drives me mad and as somebody said above sometimes I wish I had that 'couldn't give a shit' button
you forgot to mention the powerful sense of self-loathing, that can still stop you in your tracks 20 years later!
But apart from that, yes
Have I ever told you how helpful you all are? Honestly, this thread has helped massively in putting things in perspective.
So, you don't need calling any names now?
I was getting all revved up...
What about your thread helped massively to put things into perspective?
... peeped its horn at me
Beeping horn is very normal in the far east as it is not seen as aggressive but as a polite reminder that there is an obstacles etc. I have never used my car horn in the UK. However, I get rather annoyed when someone tailgates me or drives rather close to me while looking at their mobile (I can see them on the rear mirror).
At the moment I am annoyed with Virgin PAYG Mobile as they keep pestering to give them my postcode so they can cancel my SIM to move me to monthly SIM. They have given me 30 days to change ... yeah nah ... I will move to Three Network and the remaining credit donate to charity.
Empathy for how others feel isn't a bad thing. Too much empathy, or empathy misplaced can be.
Best way to deal with it for me is to remind mysel that the other person has probably long forgotten the whole thing, so I should as well.
Sounds a lot like an Asperger's meltdown. I have Asperger's and when I get angry I will stay angry for hours and sometimes days. My anxiety in these periods also sky rockets.
At the moment I am annoyed with Virgin PAYG Mobile as they keep pestering to give them my postcode so they can cancel my SIM to move me to monthly SIM. They have given me 30 days to change … yeah nah … I will move to Three Network and the remaining credit donate to charity.
on what planet does this have any relevance to the OP ?
It’s like i hate the thought that this person I’ve aggrieved thinks I’m a bad person and I want to be able to fix that.
I'm like that, usually i'll offer an apology or a reason for why i did that.
if they dont accept it, then i just think **** um and move on
Same sh*t happens to a lot of people you would never expect it to including business leaders and sport stars who always look on their A game to outsiders. Most of them don’t talk about it and have access to high end therapist / sport psychologists to help them get back to life / training the next day.
Don’t beat your self up about it. If you haven’t already try and find a good therapist. If you don’t have funds there are places you can get help for free.
p.s Unless the person is the CEO of your co or the person deciding your pay rise do not even waste one second of your time thinking about it (maybe make an exception to someone politely asking you don’t in future and stating why it is important to them)...
What about your thread helped massively to put things into perspective?
Not least the fact that there are others who sometimes feel the same way. What @myti said is a good example; even the way they described the difference in their response compared to their partner's.
And then there is humour. I mean, where else would someone offer to call you names?
All in all, especially after a day of brooding, it's good to hear from this lot.
I do wonder if I should be upset that someone suggested I didn't need to read "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****" by Mark Manson - but I know they meant it in jest.
But the theme of the book is sound and if you can get a copy from the library you might enjoy the read. The title is to get attention but the logic an thinking inside is actually quite good and hence it gets good reviews too.
My 2p - everyone has an asshole and for some its upstairs and obvious 😉 Move along ...
Yes. Try CBT it's ideal for this type of thing.
I dwell on things for far too long and sometimes get upset very easily. A lot of the time it depends on my mood. I’m very low at the moment and therefore tend to take everything personally. Somebody can make an off hand comment and it’ll leave me upset or anxious for hours. Not at all rational, but difficult to deal with nonetheless. When I’m in a more positive headspace I wouldn’t even notice or just shrug and continue.
SR, how would you have felt if you hadn't got any response?
Yes – a tiny thing can really annoy me and I can spend hours or even days running the whole scenario back in my head.
Big things like illness and death I can deal with fine though.
Crikey, I thought that was just me.
The same as the OP though. Last week I got really upset I succumbed to checking work emails on holiday, and even more upset when my manager sent me an inaccurate shitogram.
This week I'm upset that last week I got upset and it ruined yet another holiday. In general I'm upset that I'm constantly upset about something, and can't manage my work life balance and ego driven need to been seen as a success at something.
+1 for Mark Manson and CBT, I'll add time-out via deep breathing and mindfulness also.
Write back and state that you are sorry they couldn’t attend and that the subject of the conference has now been changed to “throwing toys out of the pram” and they are case study number one.
🤣🤣🤣👍🏼
I'll guess Boris Johnson never feels this way, so the opposite must be good? But then again, Trump clearly feels absolutely everything as a personal slight. Less good. Perhaps be more Balfour, to whom is attributed the statement "nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all".
Call him and chat. Emails can come across wrong.
I've sweated over emails received (or sent) on a Friday afternoon many a time for the whole weekend. Chat first thing Monday morning and it's all completely out of proportion in my mind.
I **** up at work sometimes. Our chief exec actually got a nasty letter about me from Theresa May, when she was Home Sec (actually from a minion obvs); I have had sleepless nights cringing and in cold sweats. It passes....... until the next self inflicted episode. I’ve learned to roll with the punches; no one else seems that bothered, and I suspect it’s the same for you; we hold ourselves to higher standards than others expect. You just need to be a bit kinder to yourself. You’re great, **** em, they’re not a patch on you.
I usually manage by reminding myself that there’s always someone worse off. My mother died when I was young and for a long while few things seemed that terrible compared to that. These days when I think about people who have really suffered with Covid-19 it puts most things in perspective, including colleagues who complain that our return to work post-lockdown is happening too slowly. Cycling is good for clearing the mind too!
It's emails innit.
Hate the things. Conversations are a shared, back and forth dialogue. Emails read like a treatise or an ultimatum, wether recieving or sending.
If only someone could invent a device where you could have a remote conversation where the participants could actually talk to each other like actual Human beings.
Slightly off topic but f*** zoom and the like as well. Makes me feel like I'm up on a charge in court via video link.
Saxon,
I think to some extent we all feel the same way - its just how long it lasts for. Some people its milli-seconds, some its days. For me that depends on the context.
That said, I've had a few event organisers try to pull the sort of trick it *sounds* like you were hoping for - and it pisses me off. If you want me to speak at your event you will call me and have a conversation, and confirm if I am interested. There is a sneaky trick people seem to have of writing the (draft) programme before they ask you - then sending it to you. To show the "caliber" of the people you will be alongside. Of course they've not been/asked agreed either. I've both been, ooh, I'll be on the same panel as XYZ from Google, and been the teaser to persuade gullible academics that their research is part of a "real world" problem. If you fall for it, its disappointing when the final programme bears no resemblance to the teaser. If I don't fall for it, its still like my, or my employer's, name has been used to further the interests of the event company.
OP yes I do. I ruminate particularly badly when I don't understand what it is I have said or done to cause the upset.
In your case I think the person getting upset about their name being used is not being entirely reasonable.
One thing that also affects me is I have anxious days - just days where I feel on edge for no reason - and could easily go at someone. Currently have this - Monday was all fine, woke up on Tuesday feeling on edge and will probably be fine again by tomorrow afternoon.
Not sure if it's some sort of mild bi-polar.
Call him and chat.
This. I've brooded over stuff for ages and when I finally find the courage to call the person it's fine and I feel soo much better.