[Closed] dodgy office goings on

On a works night out, a lady I work with went back to her house with the (married with 3 children) senior manager whereby he promptly boffed her in the back door that night and in the morning.

This thread is getting strangely arousing...

Rob2. Just to clarify - was that AT the back door or IN?

I worked at an IT company that only had one PC for all the sales staff to use. Someone changed the screensaver image to a photo from steakandcheese.com involving an oriental lady (in a bath) with an unsanitary aproach to waste disposal... Just so happened to be the day the board of directors (including Lord Keneth Baker ) had their annual walk through the office. Unsurprisingly the politician wasn't shocked when he saw it..

I had a brief description of 'standard operating practice when confronted with a bored housewife' from a mate who is a postie and his boss who is one of my other mate's dad.

When I expressed surprise that posties could still do all that shagging and still get the round done on time, the boss said

"There's no foreplay. As soon as you hear the words 'my husband doesn't understand me', you bend em over, whip their pants down and do the biz there and then".

And they have the gall to put the price of stamps up with all these extra perks!

Derek - IN 🙂

Used to work in an open plan office with little cubicles. There was only one phone, in the corner, for the whole room. The token older bloke used it to chat with the women he'd found on various adult 'dating' sites. He also used to get mail from mail order Russian bride companies - how do we know this? He told us, in great detail.

After some complaints he was encouraged to work from home more.

On a works night out, a lady I work with went back to her house with the (married with 3 children) senior manager whereby he promptly [b]boffed her in the back door that night and in the morning.[/b]

I'm not sure if you mean they had sex on the back porch of her house or thats a euphinsim? Please clarify for entertainment purposes?

Edit too late. bumsex eh....

Just to clarify he got his brown wings 🙂 twice

This has to be one of the best threads of the year.

.

Christmas 2010, we were asked by a client to turn a big barn of a venue into a nightclub for them. They shelled out the best part of quarter of a million on a one night event with celebrity guests, massive stages, guest bands and DJ's. SInce this was the biggest event they'd had, we provided a 9 camera live shoot with links to screens and recording for a highlights edit.

As soon as the event ended we were asked to destroy all footage and they stood over us as we did it. Turns out a couple of the Directors were dancing (spelled G.R.O.P.I.N.G) with people they shouldn't have been and they didn't want the footage going anywhere.

A huge amount of money spent and nothing to remember it by. The following year, they did not want the cameras element of the quote!

He was fired after a surveillance operation fingered him. Eugh.

Slightly unnecessary.

What's a 'euphinsim'?? 🙂

[url= http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/deep-inside-the-chain-pub-piss-dungeon ]This fits the thread quite well[/url]

I work for a large manufacturing company and we have had 2 blokes having it in the toilets during late shift.
They got caught and had to go home and explain to their wives why they got sacked.
One day, one of my colleague took the office digital camera to take some photos for a quality report.
Memory card was full so he started deleting some photos. Then found a movie. It was filmed in the men's toilets and you could see the camera user filming while playing with himself. The tattoos made it fairly obvious and also his face at the end of the video when he was trying to switch the camera off...
We have also had a a toilet cubicle covered in poo from floor to ceiling, people stealing lunches...

I need to get a job in a more interesting place.

Someone once knicked someone else's Snickers from the fridge*. That caused quite the furor.
.
.
.
*No euphemisms were used in the telling of this story.

carbonfibreismadebyaliens - Member
This fits the thread quite well

ummm... not sure what to say...

Tame by the standards of this thread but when I worked in ad agencies in London, the first place I worked, turned out all the cokeheads who worked there were getting it from the Commercial Director.
Funnily enough the place collapsed in 2001, having won tons of awards in 1999/2000...

Ah too many...

The Fart Machine - in our northern office it was snuck into the coffee machine and set off by remote - it was banished to our office after that. We had a tannoy phone system cue loud fart through the PA when a director arrived.

When mobiles started to have colour & video one guy proudly told us how he would be hiding in the disabled bog cracking on out. He was proud about how much he was getting paid for it.

One job when we were all made redundant over 6 months we all left as we got new jobs. One old guy wasn't at the christmas get together we all went back to. Internet browsing of a racy nature - enough to be marched out and his personal items being brought out to him.

Christmas party where 1 guy with some issues got massively pissed, pissed himself then tried to beat up the 60yo in the group. I stood in the middle until he was taken to his room. Following year in a bar he picked a fight in a racist way with a huge guy - we got him out and into a taxi. He spent the rest of the night trying to kick down everybodies hotel room doors to kill them - not sure how he still had his job.

Not realy an office but in the RAF aircraft Electricians are known as K9 fornicators due to a member of the trade getting caught entertaining a dog when he was baby sitting.Even 40ish years on and the name still sticks

Boss in the late 80's had one of the supervisors over his desk every morning. Both got in early doors.

Head honcho from the building opposite complained in person to our District Manager that his Forensics Dept staff were being very distracted, and that he would personally arrest the pair if they did not desist forthwith !

The procurement manager at one of my old employers had a cracking mid-life.

Traded his families car in for a Harley, joined the "Celtic warriors" and started comming to work in leather biker kit, started shagging the cleaner and promoted her to a position as a buyer, left his missus and kids and moved in to a caravan in the car park of a pub...

That was an odd summer...

and just to add the guy who made noises that can only be likened what you would do if you were passing breeze blocks complete with feet slapping. He also uses the urinals by resting his head on the wall and more sound effects.

My day job just seems so dull....great thread, please keep it up

When I was eighteen I worked for UPS near Gatwick as a packer/fork truck driver. One of the older packers used to spend a great deal of time loading the back of a particular vehicle, down the far end of the ramp. It turned out he had a penchant for making love to cardboard boxes and other parcels. He was found with his pants around his ankles, rutting a Gateway computer box, like a stag...

As a teacher, I'd agree about the shagging thing. It's mental how much subterfuge and deception goes on. But the funniest thing revolved around a phantom shitter, who produced a turd three feet long and looking remarkably like a dead otter. I was on corridor duty at the time, and received a call over the radio from a hysterical TA about it. I have never laughed as much in my life...

Not realy an office but in the RAF aircraft Electricians are known as K9 fornicators due to a member of the trade getting caught entertaining a dog when he was baby sitting.Even 40ish years on and the name still sticks

Did anyone say 3 Para mortars?

In the nineties my office ran a very large porn distribution network..until the IT manager was sacked.

The day of the sacking my biggest job was talking senior managers through:-

find . -name *.jpg -exec rm -f {} \

Young free and single, my first job out of uni was IT support in a large data entry place. The IT department were the only 4 guys in the whole office with 200+ women. We’d often get calls about phones not working and go and find the phone unplugged, the plugs were under the desk so you had to crawl under to plug it back in. If you were lucky you got a quick flash from one of the younger girls, if you were not so lucky it was a face full of badly packed kebab from one of the older ones. There was a rota for use of the 'stationary' cupboard. After work drinks were always fun as well. I only worked there for a few months, which was probably for the best or I’d have gotten terminal knob rot.

In a later job, I was trying to get a report done so hid away in my bosses office (he was on holiday). I ended up being the last one in the office and was disturbed by the cleaner opening the office door, I was a bit surprised when I turned round and saw that she was starkers, her “oops I thought you were someone else”, me “err, he’s on holiday”, her “well I’m here now”, I always assumed her nickname was hoover because she was the cleaner!

In fairness to 3Para Mortars there were no animals involved but a few liked their bread buttered on both sides, Disclaimer( i was 2 Para) but in the early 80s there were some strange lads in that Platoon, good mortarmen though, ask the Argies.

Currently got a problem with a phantom sh**er. Only 5 of us in the office and someone keeps leaving nuggets in the toilet and not flushing. It's really grim, especially for me as I'm first in the office and use the toilet to change out of my cycling cloths, only to find a little present that's been left to brew overnight!

What makes it worse is I'm 95% sure I've narrowed it down to a girl.

We were building a pilot plant for a large pharmaceutical company and the guy turned up to perform the NDT X-Ray of the pipework welds. Upon getting out of his car on he banged his head on the boot lid and managed to knock himself out... So we rushed out and picked him up to find he was soaking wet from the waist down... as he came round his first words were "Oh bollox my bags burst", he had a colostomy bag and had landed on it!!!! My how we laughed once the ambulance had taken him away... poor sod looked rather sheepish when he came back a week later.

One Xmas during the pipefitters ball we had a stripper in the local pub, who grabbed hold of the project manager (he wasn't even supposed to be there) and ended up with him on all fours having a candle whipped out of his backside... that never got mentioned again (honest) I believe the picture is still on the pin board in said pub.. happy days!

What makes it worse is I'm 95% sure I've narrowed it down to a girl.

Good work Inspector Peuso 😉

My wifes xmas party on thurs evening. Always good for gossip. May even have something new to add to this thread...

My place is dead boring - or so I think!?

The first company I worked with was sort of legendary for all the wrong reasons in our industry - MD who tried to shag every women in the place (got the receptionist pregnant and left his wife for her) - tech support guy who punched a customer out on a night out - IT manager who was using our offices as under the table gaming company at the weekends - very attractive sales lady who's e-mail use went up quickly only for us to find out she was using it to send very, very full on pictures of herself to her boyfriend (sorry no pics). Perhaps the oddest, my first company car had been in a car crash where the ex of one of the sale ladies had died (it had a very strong fabric cleaner small??), nobody told me this when I picked it up and about a week later I wondered why the same lady freaked when I went to pick her up at the airport in the same car.

dannyh - Member

My theory is that whoever was behind this was pre-doing it back at school then transporting the 'goods' in a plastic bag for later use.

[img] [/img]

My place is dead boring - or so I think!?

I thought that, turns out I'm the last person to know anything.

Previous job in a hotel and a parcel arrives addressed to the Night Manager, except that he didn't know that the boss opened all the mail irrespective of who's name was on it...parcel contained a large black strap on.

Great thread. Can't comepete with some of the horror stories, but there was the guy at the salad nursery I had a part time job at aged 15 who got caught cracking one out into a lettuce.

I've never been able to buy an iceberg since.

Oh, and the senior manager at a major ISP who got the sack over child porn.

😯

ended up with him on all fours having a candle whipped out of his backside...

How on earth do you manage to 'end up' in that situation?

Back in the early 90's, a mate & I were working as temps in the Civil Service. One of our joey jobs was to collect stationary orders from the central stationary department. We went in there once and the guy that was in charge was sat at a shredding machine shoving brand new unused envelopes through it. When we asked what he was doing, he said that someone had ordered 50,000 rather than 5,000 envelopes - he hadn't got space to store them and there wasn't a procedure in his book for returning them!

Kind of summed up my experience of my time at the Civil and some of the peoples attitudes that worked there. My mate & I left as soon as we could!

I've a few stories, but there is one which I've never been able to fathom.

We have a fair few sub-contractors working on our sites, they do cleaning, odd jobs etc...

One day one of the lads was asked to do the thankless job of cleaning the mens, urinals, and when I say cleaning I mean unblocking the pipes where all the fat and rubbish from your pee clogs. Trust me this is not a smell you ever want to be exposed to, it is truly horrific.

So the chap tries his best to unblock with no success, so using his intelligence went and fetched some neat caustic to tip into the urinal to help the process, a bit like using bleach but if you aren't aware of what neat caustic does google it.

When the caustic didn't go down the pipe, and hence the pipe hadn't unblocked there was obviously only one solution, to take a short length of hose pipe...stick it in the urinal and try to syphon out the fluid.

What actually happened was he sucked too hard and got a mix of caustic, urine and coagulated fat in his mouth.

To say this is possibly a bad enough punishment for his stupidity is an understatement, but nevertheless he walked and his caustic, pee, fat breath has not been smelt since! 🙄

What actually happened was he sucked too hard and got a mix of caustic, urine and coagulated fat in his mouth.

Threw up slightly 🙁

At uni we did a search of folks favourites to search for unsavoury use of the internet

One person was a devotee - someone who gets sexual gratification from looking at naked amputee victims

My boss sent me off to see him with the words
" tell him he does not have a leg to stand on over his usage"
He could not do it as he said he would just laugh

lank - Oof, steady on. It's lunch time!

At uni we did a search of folks favourites to search for unsavoury use of the internet

Is this a quote off the back of a Chinese T-shirt? lol

[img] [/img]

😀 just grim, eh?!

@ Gunz

(ended up with him on all fours having a candle whipped out of his backside...
How on earth do you manage to 'end up' in that situation?)

Drunk pipefitters can be very persuasive!

An office affair had been going on.

Most people knew who both parties were, some only who the woman was.

Someone who was very prudish and disapproving (and possibly still a virgin albeit he was over 40) was talking to a bloke in our office started talking about office affairs in general in a derisory way whilst making it clear he was talking about this particular one. He finished with 'I don't know why anyone would want to have sex with x, anyway'

Bloke he was talking to (who was the other party to the affair) turned round to him and said;

"Mainly 'cos she really goes for it when I enter her"

and walked out the room.

I've never seen someone go quite so red.

bullheart - Member

He was found with his pants around his ankles, rutting a Gateway computer box, like a stag...

I used to have a gateway PC 🙁

Northwind - Member

bullheart - Member

He was found with his pants around his ankles, rutting a Gateway computer box, like a stag...

I used to have a gateway PC

did it have a virus...

IGMC.

[i] I used to have a gateway PC

did it have a virus...

IGMC. [/i]

If only it had been a Siemens.

So close, stw, yet so far.

If it'd been longer ago, he might have been rubbing himself up against my old Wang.

He was found with his pants around his ankles, rutting a Gateway computer box, like a stag...

[i]He was just giving it a hard drive.[/i]

better than a floppy I suppose.

better than a floppy I suppose.

3.5" at that.

rutting a Gateway computer box

Those were the ones with the black and white 'cow' print weren't they? not good

3.5" at that.

I hope you didn't see his joystick

Those were the ones with the black and white 'cow' print weren't they? not good

Them's tha ones!

I remember thinking it was very attractive packaging at the time. Maybe it's a case of "there but for the grace of god go I"

Back in 1990, in the depths of an ongoing "E's" and coke binge lifestyle, I was approached in the office by a temp who wanted me to sign her attendance receipt. As this happened, someone at the next desk started to talk to me.

Having just come off my third line of the old marching powder in the toilets (to keep going for the rest of the day after a heavy weekend's clubbing), I got confused and when the temp asked why I was taking so long to sign her chit, blurted out:

"Because I'm out of my ****ing head."

The whole office floor went very quiet...

Those were the ones with the black and white 'cow' print weren't they? not good

I see IT disties get mentioned earlier. I worked for one up until about 10 years ago.

I remember one of the "ladies" I worked with coming to breakfast at the hotel the morning after a customer jolly (where she'd been getting friendly with a customer) saying "The shower just about got his c** out of my hair, but I've forgotten my tooth brush. I've got to go to a meeting with xxx with c** breath".

xxx being one of the biggest software companies in the world.

If this was bad enough her fiance worked for the company and he was at the jolly too 😯

We had another time where a hotel charged soiling fees because one of the women had got so drunk she curled one out in the bed and just left it there the next morning without trying to tidy it up.

At one of my old jobs a guy rode his motorbike up the access ramp to the office and crashed it in to the glass doors, totally smashing them. He then proceeded to eff and blind at the receptionist before throwing his crash helmet across the reception and down the corridor like a bowling ball.

All because someone had parked a car in the motorcycle space in the carpark.

We had a guy start work with us. It was working in publishing, which is legendarily full of absolute piss-heads. On his first week we were out on a post work bender. He was a bit of a lightweight and soon keeled over sideways

One of the girls said he can doss on my sofa, and took him home. When he woke up in the morning, he'd 'grand-slammed', and didn't know where on earth he was! Trouble is, that the person who woke him up was the girls dad, who had full on Alzheimer's, who couldn't tell him where he was either, despite repeated pleas

Oh how we laughed when he got into work

'grand-slammed'

definition?

When your body cleanses itself by evacuation from every orifice

It was a brand new sofa too 😆

definition?

I worked for airbus a few years back. At one stage I was in an office with proper eccentric engineery types. Some were, in the nicest possible way, total wierdos.

Once our office had to be fumigated because of really bad fruit flies. The origin of said flies turned out to be a sizeable compost heap under someones desk! Several months of banana skins and half eaten sandwiches that they'd planned to feed to a pot plant.

This has got to be the basis for a new programe for channel 4 or five, it would be meore popular than x factor.

and if ever i go into the job centre and they say what soprt of job do you want ill just produce a printout of theis thread and say a job at any one of those work places please.

Not an office, but...
My first proper job after uni was in a research pilot plant in Reading, just behind the Bell. The plant operated 24hrs, so lunch break for nightshift tended to be very liquid. We had a sofa in the stock room, which was was used to entertain ladies we'd met in the pub at closing time.

It was hot in there, with lots of steam, so we frequently worked in shorts. One very hairy lad slept on shift, across a bench.
Until we set his leg hair on fire. It stank.

Then there were the fork-lift truck races....
And races over nitrogen tri-iodide crystals we'd brewed up in the lab. It's a detonating explosive, which makes a hell of a bang when hit. We could leave it on the floor in solution, so the dayshift would come in when it was drying.

I can't think why they shut the site down.

I have to say, this is the best thread I think I've ever known on STW - the OP has struck gold here.

This also has the added benefit of getting it back to the top of the forum - where it belongs.

I've been chuckling to myself all day at the thought of a bloke at Gatwick 'rutting a Gateway computer box like a stag'.

I've also picked up a brilliant new euphemism for self-abuse (which I will, of course, use and pass off as my own):

'Roughing up the suspect'

Absolute gold.

Not work related but....

A friend (ahem) had to spend a few months living with the in laws as they were between houses.

Father in law complains of a virus on his PC, friend being in IT was asked to fix.

With in laws and wife stood over his shoulder his first action was to look at browsing history....

Various dodgy sites are listed...."burrito bitches"

Wife slaps friend "what the fxxx you been doing on my dad's computer?!"

Father in law "it's okay, don't worry about it, I think it's okay now....." Quickly grabbing the mouse and closing the browser.....

Still chuckle...

I walked into the staff toilet sometime last year to find a mobile phone left on top of a toilet roll dispenser. It was a smartphone, and not really knowing how to work them at the time, I pressed random things until the screen lit up. I only got a glancing view of it before the screen went dark again. I was sure that I saw the words "sticking her tongue up his arse" written! Presuming that I was mistaken, I managed to unlock the phone and low and behold, a very graphic porn novel on the kindle app appeared. I eventually tracked down the owner and returned his phone-he was very sheepish as I returned it! The worrying part of the tale is that I'm a guitar teacher in a high school and the member of staff was a classroom teacher! Luckily most of the kids were off timetable on school trips that week-its still not great though! Who cracks one out to a porn novel in a school toilet ffs!

Secretary at my old employer was an ugly middle aged woman. At one Christmas do, she leant over and stage whispered in one partner's ear: "I'm thinking of having my fanny taped up so I can only take it up the arse." She also admitted to wanting squrrels to lick her *ahem*! Same party another secretary dropped an E and groped every man (and a few women) there.

Another similar event finished with one of the MILF secretaries back at the office receiving it up the scuttle from one lawyer, whilst another looked on waiting his turn.

Never think lawyers are boring!

been reading this for 2 days thinking i had nothing to add. then i remembered the guy i used to work with...

on a works trip to the 'dam he went off with his camera under his coat taking photos of red light district.

he once got paid some of the lads to help him move house, amongst the boxes they found some photos of him, posing naked with only his tennis racquet 😯 similar ones of his missus by a swimming pool.

even worse were the specialist mags with his wifes photo stuck over the models faces 😆

Father in law "it's okay, don't worry about it, I think it's okay now....." Quickly grabbing the mouse and closing the browser.....

haha, when I used my FiLs laptop at his house one of the sites he'd been looking at was to do with, erm, hairy women...

We were tidying up in the labs one day when we got to a random box. First out was a homemade calendar of porn. Next was a box of photos of someone's trip to Thailand. Complete with ping pong balls and "parties" in a hotel room with 3 naked Thai ladies. Few pics later we understood why he had to pay.....ugly git. Not sure why work was the obvious place to keep them.

And races over nitrogen tri-iodide crystals we'd brewed up in the lab. It's a detonating explosive, which makes a hell of a bang when hit.

What's especially funny is to paint it, when wet, onto the bottom of someone's coffee mug.

Tom B - Member

Who cracks one out to a porn novel in a school toilet ffs!

Seems encouraging, proves he's not using the pupils as inspiration.