[Closed] Do you have to like your family?

It sounds like she will only use the branch to whip you a bit more.

You should still offer it. But you know that already. Try to be a positive influence on her kids?

My Nan always use to say "you can choose your friends, but not your family".

I've barely spoken with my brother in 30 years, no hatred just we never got on and have nothing in common (plus once we hit adulthood, never lived anywhere near each other).

I don't know her kids, they are adults now, last time I saw them they were toddlers. Doubt they will have any interest in me which is fair enough as I don't have much interest in them - complete strangers to me.

I made a conscious decision to cut my mother and sister out of my life a couple of years ago. Haven't regretted it once. Genuinely horrible people.

Be nice, get yourself nicely ingratiated and integrated into her life...then hoof her in the slats!

No you don't have to like your family, but in the case of toxic relatives, you must retain control of contact.

My mother is a nightmare. She's not evil, just damaged and selfish. I do choose to have contact with her and it's mostly all good. But as soon as she starts, I just get up and politely take my leave.

Sometimes she'll let me down or get to me, and it'll be because I'll have forgotten to never expect anything of her.

But if your sister is such a horror, why chase her? Has she been in contact with you? If not, I'd examine carefully why you want a relationship with her and what you're expecting from her. Because be careful - she'll probably not give you whatever you're hoping for.

Wouldn't bother; if she's been a bitch all her life she won't stop now. Why give her the opportunity to be a bitch to you when you don't have to?

You do not ave to like your family nor have any contact with them.

Your Life will not be enhanced by this decision but it may be the better of two bad choices. I speak from experience on this and I chose no contact.

Unfortunately - and I'm not proud of this - we came to blows more than once as teenagers, she once attacked me with a carving knife!

Tbh, I wouldn't bother.
No harm in being civil, but I wouldn't give anyone the opportunity to take the piss out of me.
I haven't spoken to my sister for 30 years, and we've never fallen out, we just dont have anything to say to each other.

She's not been in touch, suppose I'm just wondering 'what if' and thinking that twenty years have been wasted, and that life is brief.
HebdenCyclist makes a very good point, I'm not sure what I would expect from her tbh - maybe just to appease my dad who's hurt by it all.

There's no reason to force yourself to like a family member any more than you'd force yourself to like a work colleague or neighbour.

I have family I'm very close to and family I'm not. Love my son and we're very close, not much time for my mum and my dad and sister I can take or leave.

Personally I find the whole 'unconditional love' thing very stupid. Mrs Spekkie used to disagree but after the last few years of being treated badly by her family she's coming around.

Mutual respect is important.

No you do not have to be in contact. No you do not have to have more to do with her as your parents get older. If you are worried about that have them grant you sole power of attorney over their affairs to the extent they are no longer able to manage them. If they haven't done already have them draw up a will leaving anything as they wish (not suggesting anything in particular, 50/50) and naming you as executor. Then thats all sorted.

Life is too short to deal with bad people family included. If there is any "olive branch" to be offered it needs to come from her, I am sure you are not holding your breath however

I have a(n elder) brother that I'm not in contact with. He lives abroad, has done the last ten years or more

If he happens to turn up at my parents and I happen to be round we speak. He's hard work though.nothing otherwise.

I get on fine with my other siblings who I'm in regular contact and meet up with/visit. They are on contact with the other brother. He was over with his new partner. He contact my patents and siblings but not me.

I was more relieved than anything if I'm honest.

So ,no, you don't, not if you don't want to.

I do love my nieces though (I can't work out how they can be related to their parents mind!).

Don't know how to contact my sister if I needed to. TBH I don't really want to..ever

I'm not sure what I would expect from her tbh - maybe just to appease my dad who's hurt by it all

Don't be guilt-tripped into putting up with / accepting The Family Shit. Sorry but I expect that if your Dad was so concerned about yours and your sister's relationship then he could have / should have done something about it decades ago. It's not on you.

I last saw her about a year ago in a shopping centre car park, she was glaring at me no doubt expecting me to speak, I found I had nothing to say so simply walked on past her, to the accompaniment of some sarky comments.
The time before that was about ten yrs ago, sat in the pub with friends when she walked in with her partner. Said partner stomped over and demanded I go talk to her, I refused as I really don't like having things demanded of me like that.
That sort of behaviour is typical of her, she demands that everyone run to her rather than she reach out.

Hmm, maybe an olive branch isn't a good idea.

There's no point in making amends just to assuage guilt, but equally isn't walking by a bit lame or rude?

isn't walking by a bit lame or rude?

Hmmm I know what you mean, but reread the first post about her behaviour when they were younger. Whilst I'm sure she will have a different perspective on it, the OP's recollections, experiences and feelings about it are valid. He owes her nothing. He is entitled to protect himself by not engaging with her. He is entitled to his desire not to have her in his life.

I think it does bother you and somewhere deep down you care for her -you wouldn't have written this post otherwise.

If the only contact you have is to say I love you then so be it...you have a clear conscious.

It must be draining to have anger and resentment to those you are supposed to love.

Is your father still in contact? What's his opinion? The only reason that you've given to make contact with her that resonated with me was that it is upsetting your dad, so I'd talk to him and start my decision making process there.

I have not spoken to my own father in some 18 years now, sometimes you do have to make the choice to move on and that it is better for you to not get involved with certain people again if possible. Judging by your description of your sister I would imagine that she would not want to play any part in helping your parents meaning you take on more of a burden but it may also mean that this is at least not made worse with her involvement.
As an aside, and very similar to Metalheart, I have a sister who I have no contact with at all bar the odd visit back to the UK, we get on but we have no emotional bond at all.
Its good to forgive and forget, but not to the detriment of yourself or those you hold dear as they will ultimately also be affected.

My mother was a serious piece of work-miserable nasty and vindictive she has passed away - my Dad has been retired 20 years (sat on his arse all that time) I can safely say I have done more for my Dad in the last year that he has done for me in over 50 years, they have treat me like shit all my life but I still get hospital shopping and sort his life out

I think it does bother you and somewhere deep down you care for her

I think you might have something there, but...

If the only contact you have is to say I love you then so be it...you have a clear consc[ience].

It must be draining to have anger and resentment to those you are supposed to love.

With respect I couldn't disagree more strongly. You are not "supposed to love" anybody other than (IMHO) your children.

This woman made the OP's life a misery. It will do him no good to ring her and tell her he loves her.

Children of abusive families sometimes think that if they only had the skill or the will to "fix" people or relationships then everything would be alright. But people cannot be fixed. Relationships with toxic people cannot be fixed, unless the toxic person takes on the responsibility.

I agree that the only unconditional love is for your children

I do wonder if I should offer an olive branch

Yes imo. Forgiveness is hugely liberating. If it's rejected then the blame won't be yours.

In answer to your question "Do you have to like your family?" yes imo, unless of course they are serious criminals such as pedophiles, murders, children/wife beaters, etc.

They are not like a work colleague or some geezer down the pub.

TBH I haven't got the energy to deal with her but as I get older I do wonder if I should offer an olive branch, after all I'll have to deal with her at some point as our parents aren't getting any younger.

Both my (divorced) parents have pretty much given up on her due to aggressive and demanding behaviour

A slightly different perspective here - got on fine with my sister when we were kids, no more than the normal fighting, and then (I thought) we were getting along pretty well as adults. We regularly met up and I gave her away at her wedding! Until about 5 years ago, when she decided she didn't want any more to do with me - I agree that some of my behaviour towards her wasn't good and she did have a point, but I'd argue she gave at least as good as she got and I put up with her. Though some of the things she now claims are either lies or with a seriously distorted perspective - apparently her friends confirmed that I was an arse when fed with one side of the story.

Then a couple of years after we had to sort my mum out, so ended up spending time together again - I thought maybe it would work out. Until she blew up at me on the phone for a fairly minor "mistake" I'd made (I'd suggest that I did nothing wrong, but that's neither here nor there). Of course I compounded that by telling her I didn't think I'd done anything wrong, which led to her telling me to "**** off" - so I did, I put the phone down, and went out and did what I'd just been heading out the door to do. Came back to an abusive answer phone message telling me she'd never speak to me again if I didn't pick up (I presume she hadn't worked out I'd actually gone out and then been to pick the kids up from school). That was the start - there was more which I never listened to. We have been in touch since as we've had to sort out more of mum's stuff, but I don't want to speak to her on the phone as I expect she'll just rant at me and get angry, which I really don't need - it seems she hasn't worked out either that telling me I'm rubbish isn't terribly helpful (I've had depression since before she disowned me - some support might have been nice).

I'd like to have back the sister who I used to have up to 5 years ago (yes she got angry with me then as well, but not in an abusive way). Not really sure I want to have any contact with somebody who's just going to shout at me. Not sure what I did that was so wrong to deserve that - I don't think she is evil, it's just that she gets angry easily and I cop it.

...meanwhile on another forum somewhere somebody is complaining about their horrible brother they can't bear to speak to who just makes them angry.

Cut my Dad out of my life about 5 years ago.

If it had been anyone other than my immediate family I would have done it 15 years ago.............

My life is better as a result, as he is a black hole of misery, blame, control and manipulation.

Best thing he could have done is left and never came back when I was a child. Sadly he chose to ruin my life and make my mothers a mess for a long time.

If you have a father who has sociopathic tendencies then no, you don't have to like them.

Why waste your time on a negative person in your life, I am guessing that you have a list of friends that you would like to meet and spend more time with?

Cheers everyone.
I don't have any form of relationship with her, we are completely cut off from each other. I don't know her address or phone number.
My dad doesn't speak about her much, we went to her former partners funeral, but i chose not to go to the wake as i knew what would happen and that's not the place for a scene.
My dad chose to go, the grandkids ignored him and my sister shouted at him in public that the death of the kids father was all the fault of my dad. I came home to an answerphone message saying "your sister is an evil bitch and i never want to speak to her again ". He was crying.
Of course, he does talk but keeps her at arms length.
I suppose i just feel i should do more to solve the impasse but i fear i know exactly how it will pan out.

I've been thinking of starting a thread like this for ages. I've thought about it for a long time with regard to my own circumstances and my answer to the OP is no - get on with your own life and family and bee happy, Treat his kids kindly they are not the issues.

I was brought up in a house full of arguments, worked early for my own stuff (paper round at 12 etc) and watch my parents dote on my brother. I saved for a new bikes, he got one for Christmas. I looked to join REME, he as it was explained got the inheritance to go to Uni. In the last few years he messily divorced and left his 3 kids over another woman, treating his then wife and kids - man kids cousins - badly. All this was supported by my parents who say "it's best for him". My decision to stop speaking to them all came when I found out 2nd hand he got re-married last year, AND celebrated a 40th both of which we weren't invited. Personally I've had enough, let the lot of them have a happy time amongst thier selfish selves, while I crack on and enjoys the life I have with my kids who they do nothing more than send the odd birthday card.. As per above, we still see my ex sister in law whom we have a good relationship with so all the cousins can catch up, usually 4-5 times a year.

Life is too short, and I'm getting too old to make the effort.

Whilst you don't have to like your family, loving them is quite a different thing. You obviously do still love her or you wouldn't be asking the question.

I've had to walk away from my Mother and Brother due to their unreasonable behaviour towards me and my family over many years.

Sad but life is too short to deal with people who you don't trust and offer you nothing but abuse.

This thread is sad.

One of the best things you can do for your dad is contained in Jamba's post earlier on. Make sure the arrangements for his care (Power of Attorney) are set in stone so that you don't end up battling her in front of him if he needs his affairs managed later on.

It's a sign of a caring person that you are prepared to consider attempting to salvage your relationship with your sister, particularly as you are doing it for your dad's sake mainly. But from what you've said, I can't see anything really positive coming out of it.

I've not seen my brother in 7 years now and I can't see me seeing him again, and my wife hasn't seen one of her sisters in a similar length of time.

One thing that does cause me issues though is my relationship with my mum and dad. At heart they are really good people, they are great with my daughter and help us a lot.

But there are issues from the past which I don't seem to be able to get over - when I was 10 or so my dad had an affair with my auntie and as you can imagine this caused a lot of disruption at the time. And I'm sure he had an affair later on too when I was around 18, but I can't prove this.

Another issue with them is money - they've had tons of money go through their hands over the years and really lived it up in the 70s, 80s and 90s. But there was never any provision for later life. My mum was always consumed with image and when the money started drying up she couldn't be seen to have fallen from her perch. So debts racked up on cards and mortgages. They are now well into their 70s still with a mortgage and relying on pension credits and such like.

And when they talk about money now I really want to blow-up at them, but suppress this as I can't see what good it will do.

They'll die in debt, and there will be nothing left when it's all sold. I just keep thinking how good and easy things could have been for them if they'd just reigned things in.

Lots of narcissistic traits being described here. It's really worthwhile finding out about this personality disorder (NPD) to put into context these people's awful and incurable behaviour. Stay well clear, only bad things can come from such individuals.
Engels argued that the family is a bourgeois construct for the control and transfer of capital, 'the world historic defeat of the female sex'. Liberate yourself from all that, lovers and friends and fun are much more important. And these are precisely the areas that the narcissist cannot embrace themselves and therefore seek to destroy in others.

Hmm family

Aside from the immediate family I'm ambivalent at best and actively disklike the rest.

The thing that irritates me most of all is how relentlessly connected we all are and how they really think IGAS what they're up to.

My dad died when I was 18 and my mum fell apart and blamed me for his death, that put the collybosh on our relationship for a good while, about two years ago she apologised for how she treated me, that was all it took, we are now good mates, sadly she has been diagnosed with early stages of dementia.

My sister is a full on nutjob

I do envy families that are close, thanks goodness for friends that are like family.

I see friends who are not just siblings, but good friends with their litter mates and I'm envious. Ive never known what its like to have a close relationship with a sibling, so I suppose I'm jealous.

I've been thinking of starting a thread like this for ages. I've thought about it for a long time with regard to my own circumstances and my answer to the OP is no - get on with your own life and family and bee happy, Treat his kids kindly they are not the issues.

I was brought up in a house full of arguments, worked early for my own stuff (paper round at 12 etc) and watch my parents dote on my brother. I saved for a new bikes, he got one for Christmas. I looked to join REME, he as it was explained got the inheritance to go to Uni. In the last few years he messily divorced and left his 3 kids over another woman, treating his then wife and kids - man kids cousins - badly. All this was supported by my parents who say "it's best for him". My decision to stop speaking to them all came when I found out 2nd hand he got re-married last year, AND celebrated a 40th both of which we weren't invited. Personally I've had enough, let the lot of them have a happy time amongst thier selfish selves, while I crack on and enjoys the life I have with my kids who they do nothing more than send the odd birthday card.. As per above, we still see my ex sister in law whom we have a good relationship with so all the cousins can catch up, usually 4-5 times a year.

Life is too short, and I'm getting too old to make the effort.

Your parents probably loved both of you the same, but when they feel one needs more help than the other then they will probably give that help and perhaps not realise that you felt jealous. Parents will bail out idiot children just because they can't stop loving them.

Personally, I wouldn't cut ties because of that - I'd just be the bigger man and accept it.

Holy smoke, this thread is really making me appreciate my situation. I sincerely wish all those who have suffered or are suffering at the hands of their family all the best, might give my big brother a hug when he visits at the weekend (although he'd probably resort to the traditional dead arm if I did).

[i]I do envy families that are close[/i]

Me too - so for me and my daughters moving forward I am making damn sure we are 😀

Hmm, maybe an olive branch isn't a good idea.

In answer to your question "Do you have to like your family?" yes imo, unless of course they are serious criminals such as pedophiles, murders, children/wife beaters, etc.

We've not had contact with an Uncle for about 25 years. He popped up on facebook 3 or 4 years ago, sent friend requests to everyone (all those of us who were on facebook and findable anyway) then started up again where he'd left off 20 odd years earlier. Except he's now joined up with UKIP and campaigns for them.

Needless to say, no one in the family can now be found or searched for on facebook. A couple of cousins left completely after his actions.
One of his sons is happily married to a Portuguese woman, has been for 15 odd years, I understand he refused to attend the wedding, which was the last olive branch they offered him. His wife supports him fully.

Your parents probably loved both of you the same, but when they feel one needs more help than the other then they will probably give that help and perhaps not realise that you felt jealous. Parents will bail out idiot children just because they can't stop loving them.

Personally, I wouldn't cut ties because of that - I'd just be the bigger man and accept it.

Except, if I can go from £5 a week on a paper round to a decent paying corporate role in the South East by myself, why couldn't he? He had nnoe of the cash disadvantages or lack of support that I had.

I've thought long and hard about it. Added to that is the fact that times where much harder between my junior years and my brothers - I'm talking 16% mortgages, 3 jobs each etc and as I've matured and had children of my own I can start to appreciate how hard that might be. However, did my brother "need" £k's of my inheritance to go to Uni? Its it really forgivable and his best interest to have left his wife and 2 children - the 3rd unborn & disabled - to shag another woman? And then to demand 50% of the house value to fund his new life? Is it fair my parent contact me one a year, and thats to make a 200m round trip at Christmas at which last my daughter pointed at my Dad and asked "whose that man"? Is it fair I'm omitted from my brothers Wedding / Birthday to the point I can see the Wedding favors on my parents mantlepiece yet STILL no one has told me he's married (two years now)?

No. They've helped, guided, paid and looked after him despite the moral selfishness he and they display. Whilst for me, I continue as I have done for 32 years to be self sufficient, work hard and build my own life with two very happy children, none of which I want spoiled by them, nor do I want the day to day politics.

Sopmething the does get to me though - and people reading this will find this sad but I have no answer - is that my dad is approaching 80, and gets yearly bouts of Pneumonia, can't be far until the end of the Journey can it? But despite that, I have no idea how I feel about it, or how I'd react. I'm (currently) utterly ambivalent and have no idea how to approach it.

Sounds callous maybe, but it isn't my fault .

I wouldn't say I hate my family, its just that the level on interest in me and mine is so low, and our relationship so far away I'd rather not bother.

I can't believe I'm saying this but credit where it's due, Jamba nailed it on the previous page.

You don't [i]have[/i] to deal with her. It's easier said than done but tactfully talk to your folks about power of attorney. It'll cost you a couple of hundred quid right now but thousands if you have to try to take it later if your parents aren't in a fit state to agree, and that's before taking into account someone who might want to contest it.

I've said it before, life's to sort to spend it in the company of arseholes. I fail to see how a coincidence of birth changes that. It's sad sure, but the alternative is worse.

I'm 17,000 days old ish Ive prolly got that many days left if I'm lucky. I wouldn't spend an hour of any of those days in the company of people I don't like.

Life is short.

Get power of attorney from your parents BTW or it will be a nightmare when the time comes.

On the other side of the coin, of course, I had no contact with my dad for years, I had heard only sporadically from him after he left my mum, including radio silence when I was seriously ill in my 20s and he'd promised to be around. So I decided to make my own way and not let this bother me any more. When my kids arrived, though, I decided to give him the chance to know his grandchildren, and I'm glad I did.

It's a deeply personal decision, and sometimes staying estranged is the best option.

I hate reading about shit like this.. whilst I understand that some people may have genuine reason to avoid certain family members, it still breaks my heart to read some of these stories..

We're not a close family and we allocate time spent together sparingly, but we all recognise that nobody's perfect, we're all individuals and are entitled to make our own choices, we've all made mistakes and some of us rub each other up the wrong way.. But we'd do anything for each other

It's totally a case of 'let he who is without sin' for us

I dread my kids growing up stubborn and conceited enough to disown one another 🙁

I also find this thread desperately sad.

I don't actively keep away from my sister and her family, but I have apart from the same parents absolutely nothing in common with her.
When I was growing up she always put me down (being 3 years older than me she did lots of things before I did), and TBH I just got sick of it.
She's been given well over £100k of my parents' money and frittered it all away so that currently she rents a house whereas 20 years ago she owned one outright. My parents did support me through Poly/ Uni etc, so I can't complain.
She leads a very different life to me, and when I meet her once a year I really can't think of anything to talk to her about because we have no terms of reference.
Families, eh?

Yes, it's sad to hear of so many problems, but there are a lot of members here. I have never got on very well with my brother, but we passed the occasional christmas or weekend tolerably when visiting our parents. I find him rude, selfish, ungrateful especially to my mother who still runs around fussing over his every whim (she's nearly 80). I cannot remember a single occasion when he has helped our parents in any way.

Recently his wife of 20 years (who I had met precisely once) died and since then he's been agressive and abusive about my failings as a brother...apparently I haven't bee providing enough support for his liking.

Get on well with my sister and parents though, hard to see his problems as all my fault.

[b]OP[/b] kind of yes and no... would be what my experiences taught me, but firstly

1) +1 on the LPOA - this made dealing with my mother's recent slide into dementia much easier.
2) Just do the things you feel you need to do to make [i]you[/i] feel ok about what you have done. Bugger what your sister wants. It's ok to walk away.

As someone said, you have a biological family, and a logical family, and they aren't the same.

Didn't speak to my dad for 26 years - no real bad feelings, just slid away from each other. Meeting him a bit now. It's ok, but it doesn't really add much. I thought I would eventually end up not seeing my brother, not that close, although shared interests. A relationship not helped by screwed up parents. But dealing with my Mother becoming more ill, then needing permanent care has brought us together. He has done 95% of the work, but I've been able to do some stuff and bring useful ideas to the table. But he never was a nutter like your sister.

As someone says above - learn a bit about Narcissistic personality disorder, and don't waste your time feeding the expectations of those with it.

My Mum never spoke to he sister for over 30 years, they'd never got along, but fell properly out when her parents died.
I randomly received a text one day from my Mum - 'Just found out my sister died, and the funeral was last week - I guess some families just don't work out'

My Dad has a brother who he doesn't get on with, and I can't stand, totally self-centred, selfish rat-bag, the world will be a better place without him.

My wife (and all her family) fell out with her younger sister 3 years ago - huge row over the younger sister covering up for her scummy boyfriend when it came out that he'd been hitting the kids (beating them - not just a whack across the arse)

And then there is me.... I got on great with my younger brother - He was a brilliant uncle to my kids and a great support to me through some tough times.
He died from Cancer 2 1/2 years ago.
The irony of everyone else falling out with their siblings whist mine (who I got on great with) dies, is not lost on me.

No - quite simply.
You can't choose them but you can choose to allow them into and to influence your life.
Personally I choose not to.
Just because people say you "have to" doesn't mean you do.

Except, if I can go from £5 a week on a paper round to a decent paying corporate role in the South East by myself, why couldn't he? He had nnoe of the cash disadvantages or lack of support that I had.

I've thought long and hard about it. Added to that is the fact that times where much harder between my junior years and my brothers - I'm talking 16% mortgages, 3 jobs each etc and as I've matured and had children of my own I can start to appreciate how hard that might be. However, did my brother "need" £k's of my inheritance to go to Uni? Its it really forgivable and his best interest to have left his wife and 2 children - the 3rd unborn & disabled - to shag another woman? And then to demand 50% of the house value to fund his new life? Is it fair my parent contact me one a year, and thats to make a 200m round trip at Christmas at which last my daughter pointed at my Dad and asked "whose that man"? Is it fair I'm omitted from my brothers Wedding / Birthday to the point I can see the Wedding favors on my parents mantlepiece yet STILL no one has told me he's married (two years now)?

No. They've helped, guided, paid and looked after him despite the moral selfishness he and they display. Whilst for me, I continue as I have done for 32 years to be self sufficient, work hard and build my own life with two very happy children, none of which I want spoiled by them, nor do I want the day to day politics.

Just a minute, how do you know university money was inheritance money? You do realise that parents were and are legally obliged to pay university support, otherwise the student has to disown the parents and have no contact with them for the government to support them (if this is broken, it's fraud btw).

https://www.thorntons-law.co.uk/knowledge/blog/blog-overview/students-to-sue-parents-for-university-fees

Furthermore, why are both of you arguing over and holding expectations of who your parents money belongs to - before they are even dead? I'd find that offensive as a parent.

You can't stop people from being idiots or having mental health issues - I'd take a little time to try and see perhaps why your parents haven't been including you.

Got a sister in law thats a nutjob, will start an argument with anyone, lives a misreable life, mainly because of her own outlook, drained the parents in law of cash to the point I had to get a mortgage for them to get a house, then got accused off ripping them off?
Alcohol makes her 10 times worse.
I'd bury her in the back garden if it was up to me but the wife wont let me.