[Closed] do people have children for themselves or for the child?

we are genetically predisposed to breed as it is what keeps our species alive so we do it because we "want to" like we eat and breathe because we "want" to
For most, though not all, its a biological imperative

Initially the former; later, the latter.

I think the definition of 'good parenting' is how quickly you can shift from the first to the second.

I always wanted children, so when I found someone daft enough to have them with me, there was no question.

We always wanted two children.

Now that we have three it turns out we only want one.

BTW, I should have asked.....

or do people find life so great they want to produce others to experience it.

I hope this isn't presumptuous of me, but are you feeling ok?

My brother who is a doc simply replied "it's natural" which although probably true was rather a rather disappointing reply !

Yes Im fine but well spotted..i have struggled with depression for 30 yrs..great at the mo though and thanks for asking..really appreciate it.I never had kids as my experience of life despite being relatively privileged has been one of much dissapointment particularly in relation to how others are happy to behave ( seems the norm nowadays )and didn't want to put others through that as they would inherit my genes.

No probs, shout if you need to-

I like to think that most people do everything they can to make their children's lives fulfilling and enjoyable once they are born but the initial decision, assuming it's an intentional pregnancy is a selfish one.

Selfish gene 'innit?

+1 The fun is all in the making part I believe.. thinking about a child at that point really detracts from the job at hand abd can be a bit off putting.

But once they are here its all about them.

Was that Timothy? Dawkins

the wife forced me into it

we are genetically predisposed to breed

My genes must be broken...

men have a cock, ladies have a foof. they are there for 2 reasons.

choosing either of your reasons is going against nature....imho.

We'd ran out of things to talk about and didn't want to get married. Now we have 2 kids and are married!!

Seriously though, we'd been together for about 15 years and both always wanted kids at some point, once we'd done most of the stuff we wanted to we decided to have kids before we got to old to play with them.

My life has had it's ups and downs so I recognise that it's not easy for everyone. That said, nothing makes me happier than my daughter being happy so I do absolutely everything I can to give her a good life. I'm not sure if that's selfish or not.

I always feel sad when i see people popping them out willy nilly to get a council house or whatever. Likewise sprogging vast numbers without any financial stability knowing the govt will pay . For every other thing in life that requires a person to be responsible we are vetted and required to hold a licence etc .

do people have children for themselves or for the child?

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Good use of the words willy nilly,did you really mean willy max?

In bimblers case above i would think neither of the original reasons would suffice

kaiser - Member
I always feel sad when i see people popping them out willy nilly to get a council house or whatever. Likewise sprogging vast numbers without any financial stability knowing the govt will pay ...

Don't be sad, just stop reading the Daily Hate or listening to the mass media.

[i]the wife forced me into it[/i]

Yep, sometimes you have no choice in the matter!

I suspect most folk have kids simply because "its the usual thing to do" Interestingly my social circle is mainly childfree - thats quite a lot of long term couples who have not had kids and at our ages are unlikely to

I suspect most folk have kids simply because "its the usual thing to do"

On what basis do you suspect that?

i suspect most people have kids, because it is the natural thing to do.

or maybe evolution got it wrong........... 😯

^
Maybe because the human race has survived more than one generation?!

DrP

Had a child because we wanted one. Now that he exists, he seems pretty happy about it - win win!

I'm sure it's down to the fact that red wine bottles don't have replaceable tops

Ransos a lot of discussions with folk over a long period of time.

Edit - I know a couple of folk who really wanted kids and made a positive decision to have them. I know folk with kids who regret having them but most folk I know with kids "just had them" as an accepted part of life without actually thinking or making a positive decision

Ransos a lot of discussions with folk over a long period of time.

So from these discussions, you concluded that most people have children, not because they wanted them, but because other people have children?

I don't know anyone like that.

my social circle is mainly childfree

most folk I know with kids "just had them" as an accepted part of life without actually thinking or making a positive decision

Maybe not very representative of people in general then. But we're all allowed an opinion.

Have a two year old. Was planned. Wanted kids. Love him to bits. Trying for another. Will be advising my children not to have kids. The world seems to be getting cramped and the future of my own children scares me

Couldn't have children, so adopted 2 of them. So I'd say our reasons were selfish, but everyone thinks you've done something massively unselfish, so its a win-win I reckon.

(serious answer - probably both, it's made me and my Mrs happy, and I genuinely think the kids will have a better, happier life with us than they would have)

My genes must be broken...

I suspect most folk have kids simply because "its the usual thing to do"

My wife and I have decided not to have kids as the only reason we have for wanting them is so that we have someone around to look after us in old age. We both decided that was not a good enough reason to bring life into the world.

Maybe not very representative but its my experience. I do know a lot of folk from a lot of backgrounds
Ransos - no not at all. They simply had kids once settled 'cos that is the conventional path. NO real thought into it. Some a lot had kids by accident ie contraceptive failure. Others have said they regretted having kids - not because of any issues with the kids and they are good parents but because having kids restricted their lifestyle choices but they never thought about not having kids until after they had had them

tjagain - Member
I suspect most folk have kids simply because "its the usual thing to do"

This couldn't be more wrong.

Most people have kids because they feel an unstoppable urge to do so, to look after someone, to care and feel a love that genuinely can't be put into words.

We get distracted in life and thinking that things are important. Bike races, keeping fit, socialising with mates etc. Once you've had a helpless little beautiful creature, that calls you daddy, crying himself to sleep in your arms at 1am because he had a bad dream and his whole world is in terror, then you appreciate what being important and doing something worthwhile really means.

I do feel a sadness when I hear people say they don't want children, but I wouldn't berate them for it. I just think they're going to miss out on doing something that matters over and above everything else they've ever done. Not to mention the scientist in me that can't help but scream "if we all thought like you we'd be extinct in 70 years"!

So, for me, having kids wasn't selfish, it was instinct, and now that I've one and one on the way I feel nothing but alive and complete.

Fear of death.

I do feel a sadness when I hear people say they don't want children, but I wouldn't berate them for it. I just think they're going to miss out on doing something that matters over and above everything else they've ever done.

I understand the argument that people just have kids because it's the normal thing to do. My girlfriend and I don't have or want kids, same with marriage. Lots of people still assume we'll get married and have kids, they think we'll change our minds. Married with kids is still very much the dominant and accepted lifestyle choice for adults. Straying from that sadly still raises eyebrows and questions.

Most people have kids because they feel an unstoppable urge to do so, to look after someone, to care and feel a love that genuinely can't be put into words.

Never once thought like that. I mean I've felt the urge to look after someone and care for them regardless of the circumstance we find ourselves in but I've never felt that in relation to wanting a child.

My wife and I have decided not to have kids as the only reason we have for wanting them is so that we have someone around to look after us in old age. We both decided that was not a good enough reason to bring life into the world.

But I have thought this exact thing.

I understand the argument that people just have kids because it's the normal thing to do. My girlfriend and I don't have or want kids, same with marriage. Lots of people still assume we'll get married and have kids, they think we'll change our minds. Married with kids is still very much the dominant and accepted lifestyle choice for adults. Straying from that sadly still raises eyebrows and question

Ransos - no not at all. They simply had kids once settled 'cos that is the conventional path

Of course it's conventional. That doesn't mean people do it [u]because[/u] it's conventional.

Human beings only ever do anything for themselves. There is no such thing as altruism. Religious people do nice things because they think it is earning them a place in heaven. Rich people give money to charity because it is tax deductible (and they might feel guilty that they are living a lavish life at the expense of others), people do things for charity because it gives them a sense of personal satisfaction, or they get to do a parachute jump for free. People have kids partially because we're genetically programmed to want them and partially because we get love and affection in return and there will be someone to wipe the drool from our mouths and wipe our bottoms when we get old and useless.

In nature humans only ever started working together and forming tribes to protect themselves and increase their own chances of survival. And it has continued from there really.

We had kids because we wanted them, pure and simple. So strong is the selfish desire to have kids that some people will have more kids than they can afford, knowing they can't financially provide for them and will have to live a life subsidised with benefits.

Selfishness - it's the secret of our success! We won the evolutionary race because we were even more selfish than all the other animals we were competing with.

Slightly cynical view, but when you boil it down nobody does anything for zero benefit to themselves. It's how we've engineered our lives. But does it really matter if we do the right things for selfish reasons?

do people have children for themselves or for the child?

nobody does anything for zero benefit to themselves

You're wrong, there may not be many that do but I certainly know some people that do.

Take what I say with a pinch of salt but I do think the world isn't a particularly great place to bring a child into.. I'd much rather adopt.. however I don't mind practising making babies.

That being said it's mostly down to what the lady wants as adopting probably doesn't tick the selfish / personal reasons box for most... just in the same way everyone doesn't donate or work for a charity, I guess adoption isn't for all.

Meh

feel an [b]unstoppable urge[/b] to do so

Eh..?

Nope. Just don't get that.

now that I've one and one on the way I feel nothing but alive and complete.

Nope. Just don't get that either.

I feel nothing but alive and complete already.

I couldn't feel less interested in having kids. I'm 39, in a long term relationship, cohabiting, with decent salary.. No interest in kids whatsoever. But I do feel quite happily alive and complete (and free!). 😀

I don't think you would get it unless you had kids. I had no desire for kids, our first was an accident. If I didn't have kids I'd guess I'd be perfectly happy. But now I couldn't imagine life without them. I like to think they're good company and fun to be around. Tomorrow I'll be watching my son in a diving competition, in the evening we'll enjoy a film together and on Sunday we'll have a laugh on bikes. I've had plenty of time to do stuff for me. Life is great.

We have one and are under 'pressure' from others to have another one but we won't - I love the little dude to bits but have no desire to go back to the new born stage.

We've been together for ages and waited a decent while to have a kid and saved up a bunch of money to take the sting out of the financial side of things (which looking back was the right thing to do). I wanted one - not entirely sure why. I guess there is an element of it being natural as well as the 'normal' thing to do.

I'm glad we did because the little fella is ace.

Once you've had a helpless little beautiful creature [...] then you appreciate what being important and doing something worthwhile really means.

Those without children are unimportant and worthless? Wow. This is genuinely the most condescending, self important thing I've read on here in years.

I suspect most folk have kids simply because "its the usual thing to do"

I'll leave this here:

I guess there is an element of it being natural as well as the 'normal' thing to do.

our first was an accident.

Not knocking it - at all 🙂 - I'm sure kid(s) make you very happy indeed. But it does confirm my suspicions (as others have alluded to on here), that kids - 'just happen' to people in a lot of cases.

Personally, I've made an active definite decision not to have them on the basis that I clearly know I couldn't provide what I know a child would need in life... and that in having kids, I wouldn't be able to do all of the many things I really enjoy in life (such as heading off to parts of the world for a few weeks with a backpack, a few books and no plan, on a whim. Or sleeping in on a Sunday morning.).

Also, I have no innate urge to have them whatsoever. In fact hanging around any of my friends, or family with their kids, just makes me feel so lucky I don't have to deal with all that 24/7.

I'm sure it must be great, in some way though. I've no desire to find out why. 🙂

If I didn't have kids I'd guess I'd be perfectly happy. But now I couldn't imagine life without them. I like to think they're good company and fun to be around.

I feel that way about beer.

km79, take a bow, cheers.

🙂

My wife and stepdaughter both refused to pull my finger when offered, so we had two little boys who are far more suited to that task. Parp.

Why is there a picture of Bradley Wiggins on the first page?