[Closed] Divorce - is this normal behaviour?

She then proceeds to tell me how over the last 21 yrs there was never the spark she feels towards this guy, he drives a big car, has his own business, I was an embarrassment to her.

There's clearly no need for that, but little, I'd imagine, that you can do about it.

How long has the house been for sale? Is there any way you could buy her out? This is what my ex-wife and I did; we were selling the house to split the equity but the house wasn't shifting (this was 2008, when the market was dead), she'd found somewhere else, so in the end I bought her out for slightly less than we had the house on the market for. She took a slight hit on the amount she got, but it allowed us both to move on.

Got nothing useful to say but that does sound pretty sh*t. You have my sympathy.

Never ever move out till all finances are signed and sealed. She is free to go anytime she wants if she doesn't like it. With the way she seems to be acting the best option is total indifference, she is clearly trying to belittle and humiliate you to get you to leave. Don't!

I only left my house once everything was agreed and signed, we have a good relationship but there was no way I was leaving till everything was in black and white.

House has been on the market for 3 months, very little interest. I think it's overpriced but she won't budge on the asking price. I would love to buy her out but I just can't afford to.

get her rich new BF to buy you out, if he's as awesome as she says he is he'll step up. maybe mention it to her?

She then proceeds to tell me how over the last 21 yrs there was never the spark she feels towards this guy, he drives a big car, has his own business, I was an embarrassment to her. To be honest the ex loved her designer stuff, jewellery which I mostly funded.

Bang out of order, and pointless.

I'd bite my tongue till the house is sold. It might be 'normal' divorce bitterness, it might be an effort to manage you out of the house for reasons unknown.

Personally I think any relationship is ****ed when one party thinks it's the others job to give them all the material things they 'deserve'. Greed is a normal human emotion - I think we've all been in a position when we think all our dreams will come true when we get that house / car / salary / latest consumer good, only to find 2 weeks after you get it, you want the next thing. Couple that with the idea that it's someone else's job to provide it and you're in trouble.

I don't normally comment on these threads but, wow, that sounds like shit. I wish there was something I could say but I can't other than I hope things work out and you do get to move on sooner rather than later.

She's really telling HERSELF how amazing this new guy is to make HERSELF feel better about the breakup of HER marriage. She tells you so that she can believe it while hurting you - which is a win-win for her.

It's not really about you and you should try not to take it personaly. That's the difficult bit!

BUT it is a shitty situation and you should keep riding your bike and enjoying your life as much as possible.

Divorce – is this normal behaviour?

There's no such thing mate.
Different for everyone. Roll with the punches and come out the other side, relieved, happy and free 🙂 Let her go on with her bitterness and don't rise to it.

Rocketdog +1

And hope it's all sorted before the new fella's business goes pop and his big car gets repo-ed.

I wouldn't feel bad on hearing that kind of shit myself. Yeah he might have a big car, but I've got a motherflippin' VAN.

First of all, stick with it, it will be over soon. Whatever is happening now is only temporary and will pass. Hang onto that.

I've had some experience of this and my ex-wife did some very similar stuff during our divorce. Part of it may be to hurt you, part of it may be (as JAG says) to reinforce what she wants to feel.

I really cannot tress how important it is that you not take it personally. It will pass and you will not have to hear that again soon. Keep riding that bike, go for a run or two, swim, enjoy the outside. Exercise helps more than you think.

Tell her you faked all your orgasms (stolen from Naked Gun) 🙂

She’s really telling HERSELF how amazing this new guy is to make HERSELF feel better about the breakup of HER marriage. She tells you so that she can believe it while hurting you – which is a win-win for her.

It’s not really about you and you should try not to take it personaly.

100pc this.

She's not trying to convince you how ace the new guy is she's trying to convince herself of it. (Although I'm sure causing you a bit of pain is a fringe benefit from her POV.)

I'm not surprised she needs to reassure herself, he's clearly not willing/able to provide her with somewhere to live.

Ah, cheers guys. And before anyone asks she isn't called Louise.
The hardest part for me was during the Employment Tribunal. I got absolutely no support from her at all. She wasn't interested in discussing it or offering any support. When I had the week in court at the tribunal she disappeared to North Wales for the week.
I am sure during this time I was grumpy and my mind elsewhere but when I asked her why she didn't support me her answer was it was my problem and nothing to do with her.
Like you say once it's over that is it...

As for all she has said to you perhaps the best reply would be I never thought you were worth the effort. Problem is you can only use it once, indifference on the other hand is an inexhaustible source of pleasure to those who can wield it.

As for all she has said to you perhaps the best reply would be I never thought you were worth the effort.

Ha ha.

But de-escalation is the key here I think.

I imagine it's really shit if one party is up for a fight to have to bite your tongue, but amicable, even if it's one-sided has got to be better than the usual all out war of spite and bitterness so many divorces end up in.

Get your digs in after you get your money out I say 😉

I appreciate there's two sides to every story but,

Married for 21 years and she's found someone else inside of six months? Bull shit she has. I'd be tempted to tell her you're going to cite reason for divorce as "infidelity" and see how she likes them apples.

You're paying all the mortgage, she's getting 70% of the equity and she's the one dictating the house sale price? I think you need to get a lawyer to tell her to pack her bags and **** off, you're having your pants pulled down mate. Where's she going to go when the house is sold, why isn't she moving in with Billy Big Bollocks?

And, do NOT leave the house, unless you're happy for her to have 100% of it.

Suck it up. Dont rise, say nothing, be aloof and bite your tongue. DO NOT MOVE OUT. stay until its sold or she moves out.

Soon be over, just dont get dragged into her petty world.

re-read your entries and notice how you seem to be supporting her and how little she is giving back or supporting you. It reads like years of appeasement and now she isn't getting her own way she has thrown her dummy out.It's scary how much we all normalise difficult behaviour over the years .

You’re paying all the mortgage, she’s getting 70% of the equity and she’s the one dictating the house sale price? I think you need to get a lawyer to tell her to pack her bags and **** off

And watch what little you have left be swallowed in legal fees by lawyers who just want to up the anti.

I’m not surprised she needs to reassure herself, he’s clearly not willing/able to provide her with somewhere to live

Good point.
And if he is, you need to make sure there are no ongoing spousal maintenance payments.

you’re having your pants pulled down mate.

Not any more.

Sounds rough mate, echoing preceding comments, look to the horizon and don’t get drawn in to any bitterness.

Remember the phrase ‘act in haste and repent at leisure’, for you and your children’s sake.

Best wishes

she disappeared to North Wales for the week

I'm sure you've already joined the dots here.

Suck it up. Dont rise, say nothing, be aloof and bite your tongue. DO NOT MOVE OUT. stay until its sold or she moves out.

This. Dignity above all else. Be the grown up.

The things she is saying cry out to me of her justifying her decisions to herself, the decision to split up, the decision to hook up with some **** with a big car etc etc...

All it should be doing is telling you that you are on the correct course.

I am mindful that I need to try to keep the peace, esp as our daughter is in the house too. Plus I have never said anything hurtful to her and I would like to take that one thing away from all this, no matter how much she throws at me.
We have tried to keep the lawyers away, we have a mutual friend who is a retired family solicitor who has agreed to look at a financial agreement and prep it for a 3rd party to sign. So far its only cost me £550 for the divorce paperwork via the government website.
I am more mindful of trying to hold on to my pension which suits me better rather than the house equity.
Cheers for the replys guys, much appreciated.

It’s scary how much we all normalise difficult behaviour over the years .

If we didn't do that we'd all be getting divorced.

Sounds like you've already agreed splits and stuff. Presumably you're alright with that.

Given as you're paying all of the mortgage; I'd say that it's probably worth trying to draw a line for 70% of the equity as it stands, or you're effectively continuing to give her 70% of the capital repayments until such time as it sells.

Plus I have never said anything hurtful to her and I would like to take that one thing away from all this, no matter how much she throws at me.

It's a good attitude. When it happened to me I said to myself at the beginning that when it was all over I wanted to be able to feel proud of how I'd behaved through it all, it was the one thing that was totally in my control, an important thing to consider when nothing else is. Good luck.

I’d say that it’s probably worth trying to draw a line for 70% of the equity as it stands,

For that you have to agree how much the house is worth now, which will be difficult if the OP thinks it's currently overpriced and she doesn't.

For that you have to agree how much the house is worth now, which will be difficult if the OP thinks it’s currently overpriced and she doesn’t.

equity now = equity at time of sale - capital repayments in the intervening period

[edit]I guess there's other ways of cutting it to take into account a volatile asset, point being otherwise it's in her interest to delay the sale for as long as possible (it still is with the above, as it's effectively 70% of the "interest" you'd earn on the repayment)[/edit]

I do kind of understand the "DON'T MOVE OUT" statement for fear of losing everything...
I actually moved out because living with my wife was just killing me (mentally, and drinking too much to deal with her) and i was no good for my kids..

I moved out, am still paying half the mortgage, AND giving her near to a grand a month child maintenance, even though it's pretty much a 60/40 childcare split!!

My solicitor feels that as there's a tonne of equity in teh house, and we've BOTH got childcare responsibilities, that the courts would clearly agree with a house sale in order to allow us BOTH to provide for the kids...
Will it happen..watch this space!!

DrP

[Edit] No, that won't work [/Edit]

She just started a new relationship so everything is going to seem great.

wait until you start online dating and then you will see the true weirdness of peoples behaviours - and not just men...

What outofbreath said. She's trying to get you out because lover boy is married and stringing her along, no intention of putting a roof over her head. If he's such a catch and wedged up he'll be on Seeking (I would!) messing around with mid 20's gold diggers not mid 40's ones. Have a beer and start leaving the empties and your pants everywhere - live a little!

I'm confused. You pay the mortgage but she gets 70% of the equity? I hope you get a better lawyer.

Having been through a divorce the first thing I would say is get legal advice. An initial consultation would probably be free and some lawyers will offer a fixed fee divorce for approx £600. If you don't get legal advice it will probably cost more in the long run.

Things to note.
Courts don't apportion blame. It doesn't matter who's had an affair it doesn't make a difference to the financial settlement.

You've been married a long time so normally assets are split 50:50 but you have a child so things are split in favour of the primary carer. However once your daughter is an adult I would imagine things would split 50:50. So potentially you're giving away 20% equity for nothing.

Also you can be divorced but not reach a financial settlement. Without the settlement you're financially bound. Win the lottery? Give you ex wife half. Inherit money? Give your ex wife half.

You get the idea.

Now go and see a divorce lawyer. 🙂

Know a guy did same as you but his devorce solicitor didn't quite dot the tees and cross the iiis and she came back a couple of years later for a share of his pensions, it cost him another £10 grand to fight her off but she didn't get awt else. Make sure your legal chute is cast iron. Though she seems nice so probably wouldn't. "Not smiling,"

As been said, there is no normal. But really, as already posted:

Now go and see a divorce lawyer

Haven't read all replies but the one nugget I can give as someone who has never married is just be there for your daughter. That relationship can't change and she'll love you through this all. Hope it gets better for you. .

I’m confused. You pay the mortgage but she gets 70% of the equity? I hope you get a better lawyer.

I was thinking the same. How old is your daughter and who’s going to be the primary caregiver?

I understand where op financial agreement is coming from but could he stop paying mortgage till house is sold?

Once the house is sold it'll be me who will be primary carer. The EX will be going to live in North Wales whilst daughter stays with me whilst she finishes her A levels

Sorry. Could you?

No. If I stop paying I default which will mess up credit rating.

The relationship with the new bloke will last two years max.
Sorry to hear you are going through this, sounds ultra-crap, vent on here if need be and best of luck.

She has been cheating on you and is dumping you because she thinks she has found someone better who will stick around, lawyer up and don't be a push over. Take what little comfort you can from the fact that if this guy is as good as all that she said then he won't hang about for long, he himself will be off with someone better.

Looks to me like she's either still got feelings for you or she wouldn't be trying to hurt you with the new man bullshit. Looking for some kind of reaction which you're not giving as you feel jack for her.

If she felt nothing she'd be more amicable and civil.

Either that or she's a repugnant vile horror of a human being and you should start to grow a pair and match her attitude with a worse one all the while staying with in the law and make things so unbearable that she has no option but to move out into big cars joint. Leaving you in peace.

I feel sorry for you buddy.

Watch War of the Roses for some pointers.

Best of luck.

Why does she get 70% of the house sale when she sounds like a horror? Can that be rethunked?

She gets the majority of the house equity so I get to keep my pension. Works better for me in the long run.

fair enough - basically though it sounds like you're a good guy in a bad situation. Enjoy having a moral compass and once this blows over you're going to have a great time!

Speak to a few solicitors/legal execs and consider mediation as well. You'll probably get different views on the final outcome so go with the one that you feel is realistic

...kicking these last 18 months. The range of emotions...

Massive roller coaster for you, consider counselling so that you can be at your objective best in what will be a trying time

Some great advice there, cheers guys. Appreciated.
Funnily enough she is away this week with him, I took a call yesterday from Chester Racecourse to say the Polo they were going to watch next weekend has been cancelled due to poor weather...so the question is when do I tell her????

I used the legal services of wikivorce.com.

You fill out a spreadsheet with everyones assets on and details of your situation and time together, kids, pensions, etc.

They come back with their idea of what a fair split looks like, so then you can either accept that or use it as a basis for some negotiation, swapping some maintenance or house equity for pension rights, etc.

If it's all transparent to her then you are a lot more likely that things will remain somewhat amicable, albeit it with some gritted teeth, and you will avoid getting too angry about the whole situaton - which is something that I was keen to avoid as that can take years to get over.

Going to solicitors is likely to drag it out, get you more angry, and cost everyone more than if you had made the 'fair' settlement in the first place, even if it favoured one side more than the other.

Not sure if these no-blame divorces are a thing yet, but if not then one of you should sigh for adultery to get it finished quickly.

If the house isn't selling the price is too high - simples.

And I put down that I had mediation, as it is a requirement now, based on the wikivorce solicitors providing advice and us accepting it.

I went to a mediator and he seemed pretty useless - they can't give you legal advice about whether what you agree for the split would stand up to scrutiny as 'fair' by a judge, so you 'could' mediate a settlement and then have it dismissed and have to start again.

If you get a third-parties advice like this and then don't argue about it but accept it, then there is nothing to mediate over, so that requiement is bs.

If you think you are having a rough time with her you would not believe what is happening with me and my live-in girlfriend at the moment - makes louise look like an amateur...

Funnily enough she is away this week with him, I took a call yesterday from Chester Racecourse to say the Polo they were going to watch next weekend has been cancelled due to poor weather…so the question is when do I tell her????

ASAP, don't make yourself the bad guy.

I took a call yesterday from Chester Racecourse to say the Polo they were going to watch

Chester racecourse?
Polo?

Let's guess, he drive's a Bentley or a RR Sport?

All a bit Housewives of Cheshire.

Has the ex been sprayed orange yet?

It's a bit like New Bike Syndrome.

When you first get to try your new ride it feels fantastic, you want to ride it all the time, and you look back and wonder how you ever got on with your old one because it was crap at everything. Dull, heavy, wrong angles, hard to handle etc. etc.

Same with bikes.

Threads like this have kept my marriage going for 17 years now...…

That may not be a good thing

It’s not ‘normal’ behaviour but in the context of a divorce anything goes unfortunately. As others have said she may not be saying these things to hurt you and/or may be being driven by him. Doesn’t make it right but not retaliating is the right response. Difficult I know though.

As house/pensions/kids are involved I’d get proper legal advice on the severance. Online ones are ok for simple divorces with few assets, no kids etc but you need to make sure it’s done properly to shield against getting screwed over in the future.

The fact she’s with someone apparently with bags of cash could impact the settlement on your favour.

ASAP, don’t make yourself the bad guy.

Poor OP, having to resist that temptation. 🙂

But really, polo, in Chester? Trying a bit too hard really. Polo is only properly posh when it's in the Great Park or Guards Club.

I’d kill her with kindness.

“I never felt that spark with you”

Reply with:

“I loved you dearly for each of our 21 years, even though circumstances may have occasionally got in the way.”

Be positive, reflect her negativity with your positivity. You’ll feel a lot better for it and she won’t. Win win.

😂😂😂 Cheers big John, I feel like an old bike some days. Yeah , told her straight away about the Polo. Hopefully "Gary" won't be too upset...I like the idea of giving her loads of positivity... albeit through gritted teeth.

Some similarities with my ex

We decided to split, was all very amicable, I was very nice, moved out, split the debts 50/50, agreed to let her stay in the house we jointly owned and gave her a lump sum to help make the house her own.

2 weeks later she tells me she’s seeing a bloke in San Francisco!! Proper dickhead (fast cars, massive whitened teeth, spoilt brat type) Hahaha! This had clearly been fermenting for a while before we decided to split. She proceeded to pretty much ignore our two boys and head off over there every 3rd week (this bit did not amuse me. At all). Until a few months later he spectacularly dumped her just before she was due to fly out for the whole of Christmas and new year.

All of the cash I’d given her had disappeared by that point of course. She crashed hard, damaged her relationship with her kids and made a tit of herself.

She’s now seeing a dull man who fixes pensioners computers.

Like others have said, don’t be an arse, stay inside the law, think of the longer game and hang in there.

2 years down the line and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Great relationship with my kids (have them 50% of the time), nice little house, a lovely girlfriend and have just started my own business. Life is good, possibly because I made some good decisions back then and stuck to them. And it’s funny how the universe pays back.

I've been through very similar recently. My advice is to not leave the house. Have minimal if any contact with her. Ignore any insults and simply don't say anything. Don't let things escalate or next thing if she's anything like my ex she'll be calling the police and lying to them to try to push you out.

Secondly, please get a good lawyer. I did the same as you and kept my pension. Cost me around £10k in legal fees but I came off better than I think I otherwise would have.

Best of luck. It's a shit situation but it does get better with time. Much better.

A couple we are good friends with broke up 3 years ago. For some 'unkonwn' reason, it was the bloke that turned into a nasty piece of work, and he was the one who ran off with a girl half his age.

Youre lucky, mate of mine came home one day and his girlfreind had nicked all the furniture,and moved into a new housing association house, without telling him till he found the letter on the floor, saying to keep away from her, he couldnt afford to pay mortgage and house was repoed, havent seen him since.

Also a customer, rang up to say to put a new lock on door,as house was empty key was under the bin, went round and door smashed open, rang him up as a neighbour asked what i was doing, explained i had come to change lock etc, asked them about door, it appears they had split, and her dad and thugs had emptied house, police had been called and said it was a civil mater and left.

So sad he was a nice chap.

Got nothing much useful to suggest on the legal front, just, stay strong, keep things good with your daughter, it sounds like you're dealing with it very well, be proud of how your handling it.

She has met someone else. No problem there. She then proceeds to tell me how over the last 21 yrs there was never the spark she feels towards this guy, he drives a big car, has his own business, I was an embarrassment to her. To be honest the ex loved her designer stuff, jewellery which I mostly funded.

It sounds like she feels entitled to a lot of stuff just for sitting about doing not a lot. Obvioulsy I've only heard your side of the story, but I feel your frustration. I've been trying to get a financial settlement for over a year now, facing every delaying tactic only to have her solicitors now saying she needs the money as she's got herself >£10k in debt over the past year.

I would suggest getting some independent legal advice, probably you'll need to get the house valued (what is her asking price/valuation based on?) and use that as a basis if you weren't to sell it - although the fact it hasn't sold indicates the price is wrong!

It is worth being civil for the kids' sake. It doesn't matter if she has cheated or not, what matters is that you look after yourself, and avoid any similar situations. The timing's not too bad, as at least when your daughter goes to uni you can then proceed to get a partner her age and really wind up the ex.

Have you made provision to put your Daughter through Uni in case maintenance loan is insufficient.. or will you be expected to pay for that too?

Aye, that was at least something we both agreed on. There is a savings pot in the daughter's name to put her through Uni.

Just thought I would post an update. I have sought legal advice which was great and very informative. Got a good local Solicitors.
As for her behaviour...turns out her new chap is still married. With 2 kids but has promised my ex he will leave his wife...I can't help but feel a bit sorry for her. It will end up a mess, and it's a dangerous game she/he is playing where people will get hurt.
As for me, I am just looking to the future to put this mess behind me.
It is nice to be able to have the moral high ground tho

Just thought I would post an update. I have sought legal advice which was great and very informative. Got a good local Solicitors.
As for her behaviour…turns out her new chap is still married. With 2 kids but has promised my ex he will leave his wife…I can’t help but feel a bit sorry for her. It will end up a mess, and it’s a dangerous game she/he is playing where people will get hurt.
As for me, I am just looking to the future to put this mess behind me.
It is nice to be able to have the moral high ground tho

Ta for the update. She's blatantly going to be the loser in all this and she knows it which is why she said what she said. You're right to feel sorry for her, well done for being the better person in this situation. Respect.

Don't let the fact you feel sorry for her impact the decisions you make.

Go on a dating website.

While she doesn’t want you - her mood, she doesn’t want you with anyone else.

Hide your toothbrush though.

Don’t move, you’re paying the mortgage and the divorce should include this!

She’s saying it too piss you off.

She’ll be dumped when the guy has had his fun.

Get busy with your own life too!

It's worrying, but don't worry. What goes round comes around.
My (long gone) 1st wife did the same, she nashed off with a mate of mine who became a millionaire, which she knew was gonna happen & they got hitched, moved into a massive house, had a kid that turned into a local bike, the marriage broke up (he'd gone 'bust' beforehand) & buggered off to a new wife. My ex is now in a rented terraced house with a dog, a wayward daughter & 2 grand brats.
Chin up, you'll see & you'll be right.

My ex is now in a rented terraced house with a dog.

Sounds a bit like my ex wife, went off and lived the high life with a much wealthier man but critically never married him and house was in his name....