In a very bad place right now.
You are, I am sure. However, it will pass - believe me. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it will.
Feel utterly worthless.
Less than that.
Well, that isn't true. That's your perception right now, but it's twisted and inaccurate. You are definitely worthy.
Despite everyone telling me they love me, I just can't see why they bother.
Because they have a more accurate view of the value you bring and your true worth. You view isn't to be trusted right now.
Not planning on hurting myself or anyone else,
Good. Hang in one day at a time.
But it would be quite nice not to be here today.
Take some steps to get help then hide under a duvet, lie in the sun or try and sleep. Give up today as a bad job and get to tomorrow and see what that brings.
To compensate for the minimum wage increase, they've found another way to screw us by nearly £1000 a year.
That's nearly a tenth of my wage.
They see us a disposable and our years of experience mean nothing.
It's horrible.
I can totally understand that. That's a shitty thing to happen. I meant, you will be able to do your job well again and to cope with it.
Despite everyone telling me they love me, I just can't see why they bother.Because they have a more accurate view of the value you bring and your true worth. You view isn't to be trusted right now.
What I was trying to say but said much more eloquently than my ramblings.
#prayforrusty......For real this time. Chin up fella. It'll get better now that you've taken that step to get help.
It'll be all power kites soon enough.
Cheers fella.
It's my sodding birthday tomorrow, you never know what might turn up.
🙂
If I don't go to work, I can't contribute financially.
You are worth far more than just what you contribute financially, and if you are a health care worker, you have already done vastly more than your fair share as far as contributing to society is concerned. Time for you to put yourself first.
To compensate for the minimum wage increase, they've found another way to screw us by nearly £1000 a year.
That's nearly a tenth of my wage.
They see us a disposable and our years of experience mean nothing.
Can you survive financially if you quit, at least for long enough to recover and find something else? If you can, then seriously consider quitting. You do not owe your employer or even the patients anything, especially not when it is at the expense of your own well being and health. Being treated so badly by your employer is itself bad for your self-esteem and your mental health if you accept it, and I would urge you to remove yourself from that situation as soon as you can. I hope you feel better soon and that things improve for you.
Thank you.
I HATE quitting.
I've only ever quit one job, after my mum died and I felt a bit like I do now, but nowhere near as bad.
I'd like to become an NVQ assessor but I just can't face the stress of jobseeking and haven't been able to for a while.
I'm good at my job and capable of much more, I know I am, but seeing it and being able to do something about it are two very different thing.
In some ways I feel very institutionised and I suppose, burnt out.
Have a line from Springsteen running through my head:
'End up like a dog that's been beat too much, 'till you spend half your life just covering up...'
I can't cope with being that person anymore.
And I usually can't stand Springsteen either!
Well I'm off to the doctor's today for some meds, been off them a while but starting to feel like things are getting on top of me again so trying to sort it out before things get too bad.
I'm currently on a "break" (unpaid) from work now I'm looking after the kids full time so need to make sure I stay fully functioning for them, I feel positive that I am taking action at this point in the past I probably would have let it get quite a bit worse before seeking help.
Rusty and Wiggles - hope you both start feeling better in the near future. I must admit I take comfort in the fact that discussing mental health issues is now s lot easier than it used to be. Everybody at work assumes I'm a confident, Teflon coated individual. It's difficult when you know their image of you is so far removed from the truth.
I'm good at my job and capable of much more, I know I am, but seeing it and being able to do something about it are two very different thing.
I know that feeling. On good days I think I should retrain, do something I genuinely care about and push myself mentally. The bad days stop me from doing so. Thoughts of failure or what's the point win out all too often
This thread has made me realise I'm not alone and seems to have been a positive thing for a few of us. Thanks for starting it Grum, albeit under difficult circumstances.
Agreed.
Thanks Grum.
Just had a conversation with a good mate from work and feel a bit better.
I can book today, tomorrow and Sunday as annual leave, which will give me a couple of hundred quid at least.
Take if from there when I can see the quack.
I should clearly get suicidal more often!
Really pleased this has opened up some good discussion for other people. Rusty and wiggles (and everyone else) I'm sorry to hear you've had some struggles. I'm rooting for ya.
Defo need a STW miserable ****s ride some day.
I'm on meds now (sertraline) and seeing a therapist regularly. Also my hand seems to be healing pretty quick after the op and my new splint thingy is much less restrictive which is good news for my work. Feels like there is light at the end of the tunnel which it hasn't really for a while.
Glad to here things are looking up Grum 🙂
Today (somewhat selfishly I suppose) I spoke to a homeless man in town who was telling me about him self and that he hadn't eaten anything in ages, I gave him my change so he could go get something but it really puts your own problems in perspective.
Nice one wiggles. I find on my better days stuff like that does put things into perspective.
On my worse days I kind of struggle to empathise but tell myself that I should have a bettter sense of perspective, and then beat myself up about it.
I had a shit day yesterday. Got to work and wanted to do nothing other than walk out, run away and hide from the world. Worst I've been for months, but the meds and help I've had mean I no longer see it as "me" failing.
Today was much better, totally different.
It will come around for you other guys as well, with time and support.
But I do need to find a job I don't despise 😉
Glad you've had a better day MCTD. Having a job you hate can definitely sap your enjoyment from life. I like my job a lot but there are some issues with it too. Would quite like to work as part of a team more often - can be a bit lonely sometimes.
Glad to see a lot of people feeling better, been to see the doc he was really good gave me my meds but also helped out with some other stuff seemed to genuinely care unlike others I've seen who have basically just said "have some drugs for that"
I was very surprised how much time and care my GP took with me when I first went to see her, sorted a MH referral and accepted that I didn't want meds initially due to side effects - I'm fat enough getting up hills without any medically assisted weight gain. When I did agree I needed meds she sorted me a low dose of one least likely to do any damage and it is just enough.
Turns out she rides a Cervelo R3 - apparently she can't get one for me on prescription....
Might sound ridiculous, but in the light of the support, care and goodwill in this thread, this is perhaps the best/funniest thing I've read on here for ages...
I should clearly get suicidal more often!
🙂
Now, let's keep talking....
If you must listen to Springsteen, Rusty, then stop at Born to Run and play Thunder Road.
I don't have a problem with quitting. It's an inevitable part of moving on. I've had low-paid jobs, very well paid jobs, a successful business, but I'd still be in a lab in a paint factory if I hadn't quit my first proper job - or dead given the health risk of the solvent fumes we worked in.
You just keep talking...
Today I've managed to clean out about a tenth of the garage, with breakdown breaks.
🙂
Plan on rewatching Dr Who from now until I fall asleep.
Give it an hour.......
Edukator - Reformed Troll
If you must listen to Springsteen, Rusty, then stop at Born to Run and play Thunder Road.
No Springsteen for me at the mo.
Might try and drift off to some light, boring, familiar classical later.
Something tedious and German, probably.
Classical, tedious and German. I give you Extrabreit (Extra wide) with Hart wie Marmelade (hard as jam) with a full orchestra.
I have got to say this is the only forum I use on a reg basis and for good reason, I know we can all bitch and moan about anything and everything, but when push comes to shove and people are struggling in life, its not about the car you drive, or the bike you ride its about being healthy and a healthy mind is just as important as a healthy body in my view, and when its not working right there is always support to be found on here, genuine support as well, people offering to talk to you out side of the forum
I have struggled like a lot of folk, thought I was invincible, but im human and I went faulty, spent a bit of time on the phone to the Samaritans and went to see my doc, who was so nice, he made me feel like I was a person, not just some one that he had to get in and get out,
im feeling better these days, not always a bed roses but much better than I was
I just want to say thanks to every one that's posted on this thread and I hope every one that's not in a great place takes advice offered and start to get better,
craig
funkmasterp - Member
Everybody at work assumes I'm a confident, Teflon coated individual. It's difficult when you know their image of you is so far removed from the truth.
brassneck - Member
A lot of truth in this - a lot of people can 'cope' and by cope I mean perform well at work, but be a mess when they get out. A big problem is these people tend to get pushed harder and harder by themselves, and others thinking they are some kind of cut above who can deal with anything in any quantity.
That's me pretty much exactly.
Everyone at work thinks I'm superman even to the point where I'm referred to as SuperNige!
Its mostly my own fault as I do take a huge pride in my work & hate things not to be working perfectly (yes I'm an Engineer)
the job is pretty much 24/7 in being available but the added complication of being my wife's primary carer is just exhausting me both physical & mentally.
Hats off to Rusty for doing caring both for work & home
Nige, I have absolutely nothing but admiration and respect for how you live your life.
You are one of the very best.
To hear something like that from you makes me feel very humble.
Thank you.
Good luck to everyone today, I'm thinking of you all.
Not a good couple of days for me. Off work and in a big rut.
Sorry to hear that Colin. Are you seeing a Dr or seeking other advice? Hang in there.
No. Can't face the doctors at all. Been trying for years and get the 'here's some meds' and been referred a couple of times for CBT/counselling. Just going it alone with my own head. Slept to well after 12 today and haven't done that for years.
This time last week I'd just completed a marathon. That doesn't even seem real.
@St Colin, have you ever actually gone down the medication route? It's an idea I hated and avoided for a long time but I regret that now. I'd seen friends on really heavy medication and that's not for me but there's much lighter touches- like, for me citalopram is a fairly gentle helping hand. But the really important thing is it doesn't feel like it's changing me at all.
I cannot do mindfulness/cbt, not compatible with my head.
Slept to well after 12 today and haven't done that for years.
This will certainly help!
Just going it alone with my own head.
I've never had much success with this approach but you prob know your own best way out of it by now. For me it's all about winching my way up to doing things again by doing other, easier things. Go for a walk, bike ride, bake a cake, phone a buddy, that kind of thing. Good luck! It'll pass, it always does!!
Yea, been on around 6-7 different ones over the years citalopram being one of the most common. I was on Venlafaxine, a different type, lastly before stopping.
I like the idea of mindfulness. But I'm such a perfectionist that if I can't do something like that 100% correctly with the best results, I can't cope.
I spent most of todays saying 'I should be doing this' and not doing any of it. And that just puts me deeper into the rut. Ruminating about every thought, and wearing myself down about it. I've been like this for years. I found some emails to a friend from 2006 when I think people (and me) started to see changes in me.
Perhaps give meds another go. As per Northwind I was reluctant, tried them in my twenties and it wasn't good. Been on Citalopram for nearly three years now and I have a lot more good days than bad. They keep me on an even keel emotionally speaking.
Keep posting if it helps, but please do speak to somebody.
st colin - MemberI spent most of todays saying 'I should be doing this' and not doing any of it. And that just puts me deeper into the rut.
This is the single thing that gets me worst. I can deal with standard depression, loss of interest, lack of energy but losing days to a misfiring brain is awful. And knowing it's happening, while it happens. "do this now so you can do that thing you want to do" don't do it "do it" don't do it "now feel terrible because you've not done the thing you wanted to do "OK".
I spent most of todays saying 'I should be doing this' and not doing any of it. And that just puts me deeper into the rut. Ruminating about every thought, and wearing myself down about it. I've been like this for years.
This sums up most of my adult life. :-/
Sorry to hear you are struggling too. I only properly realised after my meltdown that I have just learned to accept/live with a moderate level of depression for years.
I'm currently feeling like a combination of medication (sertraline this time), CBT, talking therapy and hard work at improving my habits might be able to get me to a better place. We'll see.
I realise I am never going to be 'cured' but I really don't want to live the rest of my life like this.
This is the single thing that gets me worst. I can deal with standard depression, loss of interest, lack of energy but losing days to a misfiring brain is awful. And knowing it's happening, while it happens. "do this now so you can do that thing you want to do" don't do it "do it" don't do it "now feel terrible because you've not done the thing you wanted to do "OK".
So familiar... 🙁
Hiya.
Doc's today for me.
Very positive experience.
Referred for CBT, lots of other help available.
3 week trial of Setraline, minimum dose, then it's up to me as to whether I continue.
Managed half a day in work and actually enjoyed it.
The pay issue has been resolved thanks to some pressure being applied and they've been very understanding.
Feeling so much better.
The negativity in my previous posts is interesting to read at the moment.
I shall remember writing this post and the way I'm feeling at the moment, if/when it gets that bad again.
Cheers folks, love to all.
Great news Rusty. Glad you are feeling more positive this week.
This is the single thing that gets me worst. I can deal with standard depression, loss of interest, lack of energy but losing days to a misfiring brain is awful. And knowing it's happening, while it happens. "do this now so you can do that thing you want to do" don't do it "do it" don't do it "now feel terrible because you've not done the thing you wanted to do "OK".
So familiar...
I too know this feeling way too well. I've lost entire weekends from just not having the energy to do anything. Made worse by having a three year old who is so full of life.
Really identify with lots of these posts.
I was wary of meds but citalapram does seem to help me, makes me feel a bit crappy for the first week so just getting through that at the moment.
Also has the added bonus/side effect of making "bedroom activities" last a very long time lol, however im single this time...
[quote=st colin ]I spent most of todays saying 'I should be doing this' and not doing any of it. And that just puts me deeper into the rut.
Another +1 on this one. The great thing about this thread for me* (and I hope for some others) is to realise that some of these things aren't just me being useless. Sure I know the depression makes my brain not work properly, but this at least is one of the things I wasn't particularly aware of being a common symptom - and for some reason I don't think I ever brought it up in counselling - I thought it was just me, with the depression simply enabling it. Because it's something I had problems with way before I identified as being depressed. I end up with a whole list of things to do and don't do any of them, when I'd feel better if I just did something.
I also had a shit day - for similar reasons. Was supposed to be going to watch my son play cricket this afternoon. I dropped him off and came home. Sure I'd have liked to watch him play, but couldn't face the combination of having too much time to think (I'm not sure cricket is a good spectator sport when you're depressed) and socialising with other parents. TBH I'd probably have just kept myself to myself maybe exchanging a few words - but then that's part of the problem, it feels lonely when other people are successfully managing something you can't do.
Though I have at least managed to get myself a routine of things I really enjoy doing which rescue me - feeling much better now having been to play roller hockey. Which is a great thing for me to do, as there's no time to think about anything else and it's also sociable in a way which doesn't seem forced in the way conventional social situations are.
* I'm not sure what it is that's different about this compared to most threads on depression - usually I avoid them when I'm depressed as I find them unhelpful.
Feeling worse today. After sleeping most of yesterday I have been awake from around 4 this morning. Another thumping headache too.
I need to speak to my boss. He's very understanding and is aware of my situation, but I know I'm letting him and others in my work down by not being at work. All I've done so far today is faff around on YouTube. I've tried to arrange a ride for this Saturday, but I don't know if I'll make it out.
citalopram is a fairly gentle helping hand. But the really important thing is it doesn't feel like it's changing me at all.
Sorry to hear you are having a tough time St Colin. But Notthwinds advice above makes sense to me. Exactly my experience.
I think the lack of motivation/ability to do ordinary stuff is one of the worst symptoms of depression, and then we get into a cycle of beating ourselves up for being useless, and it goes on. I think it's really important to recognise the symptoms and not beat ourselves up when we suffer them. Easier said than done, I'm really struggling at the moment, having heard that my younger brother, who has spent most of his life abusing his body with drink and drugs, has advanced lung cancer (he's been ignoring coughing up blood for six months). I feel like I've been kicked in the guts by a horse and can't do anything. Luckily I'm retired so don't have to, but I feel so bad. Ironic that this news makes me want to go on a bender!
Lots of Type A personalities on here. Look on the bright side guys, at least you still want cake - not wanting cake is where you get ****ed. Although I get the feeling that some of the people who seem to be linking their depression to perfectionism might be missing something.
Bojack would be a good watch for some on here!
Grum, how you doing?
I've been doing ok thanks. Done a couple of photography jobs which I had to massively psyche myself up for and got very anxious about - went ok though. First one was very draining and I spent the next few days in bed feeling very low, second one a bit better. Think the meds are kicking in now and have definitely improved things with no noticeable side effects so far.
Really want to try and get into better habits and not just 'get by' as I've been doing most of my life.
How is everyone else doing?
Good to hear Grum 🙂
I'm making an effort to exercise, get out on the bike, go for short runs etc and I'm looking to do a circuit class once a week too. The weather definitely helps for me. I really want to be fitter and hopefully off the meds for when the entirely unexpected Funk Mk3 arrives in November.
Good news grum. Fellow photographer person here, although my demons give me a hard time about that too.
I'm still feeling tired from my marathon back at the start of the month. Been on a few bike rides and the odd run but still feel a bit drained. But I've been really struggling with work. For the last few weeks I haven't done much at all other than react to some things. I work in sales (engineering) and I'm based at home.
Glad things are looking up for people.
I am doing a bit better now, got used to my new routine in "single-dad" mode, meds are leveling me out a bit so less anxiety.
Been trying to get out more and actually going on a date tomorrow!
Sorry to drag this up again. How are you doing Grum? (and everyone else)
I've had another bad spell made worse by my bad back. Over a week ago I ran a trail race around Sheffield and afterwards I could hardly walk. Got to the doctors on Monday morning and been resigned to home since then with diazepam amongst other things. Going for an MRI scan tonight and another physio appointment in 2 weeks. My back issues have been ongoing for over 10 years with no clear reason for my problems. Came from a football injury when I was younger and it manifests itself in different ways; stiff lower back, sciatica, spasms, cramps etc.
Really down in the dumps. Had to miss the PMBA Enduro in Kirroughtree at the weekend and can't do other stuff I've booked and paid for.
Sorry to hear that Colin. My plans to exercise more have been scuppered by work. Big project on at the moment. Having a lot more bad days than usual, but I'm coping.
I'm on the comeback. Anger has subsided and dark thoughts are slowly becoming more spaced apart. Not right but getting there again. No longer a need for phone calls from the docs to check in and make sure I'm okay.
Hope you guys can pull it back, too. Good luck.
back issues have been ongoing for over 10 years with no clear reason for my problems. Came from a football injury when I was younger and it manifests itself in different ways; stiff lower back, sciatica, spasms, cramps etc.
If you can afford it find a decent local sports physio and gt yourself along there asap. Quality physio, delivered quickly is worth every penny. Waiting two weeks for NHS is no good, by then you will stiffen, over compensate etc.
Simply can't afford it 🙁 I have a basic Bupa scheme with work, might be worth exploring.
