[Closed] Depression/suicide etc

First off, give 116123 a call - The Samaritans. Right now.

That's a strange opinion you've formed about yourself. I've met you and if you lived near me I imagine we'd be pretty good buddies. Not in the romantic sense like.....

Having suffered from depression I could have written much of the above 2 years ago. Things can and do get better, so as above, give 116123 a call now and know that articulating how you felt and reaching out as you have done is both bloody brave and the first step to things getting better.

repeat what Colin says Graham. I too have met you a few times and you already know we get on.....so if you can get on with me you can get on with anyone mate.

keep your chin up mate, and just say when if you fancy a ride. I am free this weekend.
heck, we could even do some steady uplift stuff again.

You're not alone....... I am in a very similar situation to you, sadly so are many thousands of others. I know right at this moment you won't care about that, but I just wanted you to know.

You're not alone ...... We're here for you, if you can't talk to friends/family/samaratins then we're here

51 weeks and 5 days ago my life fell away from me, I thought about ending it every day for months, then every other day, then once a week, then.... Well you know where I'm going with this.

Just remember it's an illness that's causing you to think this way, it's not 'you'.

You're not alone

First off, give 116123 a call - The Samaritans. Right now

Definitely this. You need to speak to someone, anyone as soon as you can.

In the meantime, take a moment to think about your Mum....I'd imagine that you wouldn't want to put her through that.

Give her a cuddle instead. Have a chat with her. You may find she understands more than you realise.

Talk to someone. It helps. It really does.

Ring that number or we wil send Ton round, ok? 😉

I sometimes think I'd be in your position if anything ever happened to my wife. I'm useless around the opposite sex and I have no idea why my wife took an interest in me!! I reckon it's a pretty common thing for guys so you are not alone. When you've lived with someone for 18 years it's going to be immensely difficult to cope without them when they are gone. It's probably most of my adult life so it's pretty frightening thought.

Hi Grum,

It sounds like you've had a hard time lately, sorry to hear that.

I agree with Ox, talk to some one impartial as soon as you can about the suicidal thoughts, and seek out some professional help - your way of seeing yourself is basically incorrect, you see yourself as bad or damaged or hopeless, but I can guarantee no one else does and the vast majority of people would see a lot of good in you if they met you!

I struggled with depression from when I was 15 to my late 20s, including having the occasional suicidal thought. Like you OP, I tried all the therapies and the one that really worked the best was psychotherapy, as it made me realise that the depression was self-inflicted, based on an abnormal perception of myself as some sort of failure, which I wasn't. It sounds as if you have a similar negative perception of yourself which is undermining how you engage with the world.

Some advice based on initial observations;

I'm now back living with my mum and utterly broke.

Unless I'm actually on an adventure I'm miserable as ****.

I'm also kind of sick of being on my own but I'm useless when it comes to women and have no confidence whatsoever. I also wouldn't really want to subject anyone else to me. Don't really want to be on my own for the rest of my life though.

I don't think I'll ever be a happy, confident, functional person.

I have access to pretty large quantities of sleeping pills

With you, grum.

Do as the others have suggested. Talk, and keep talking even if it makes no sense.

Where abouts do you live?

Hey mate,

When we spent time together i thought you were a lovely bloke... I wouldn't shag you, but i thought you were proper nice, friendly, fun, great to get on with.
I can't help much, but Mrs Weeksy is away for a few days, if you want to head down to Berks for a change of scenery i have bikes, beers, motorbikes and dry dusty trails.... get in your car right now and drive down mate... we'll set the world to rights...

It may not be a long term fix... but it's a couple of days of respite.

You're not alone.

About a year ago I reached the same point (having been on my way there for a number of years), despite having what others would see as a pretty good job I was utterly miserable, struggling to cope with spiraling debts, single, old (I felt old - was was 'only' 37) and that anything that could go wrong, would go wrong (and it did!). I'd moved back in with my mum too in an effort to improve the financial side of things - however it certainly didn't help with feeling like an utter loser.

Pretty much every day I planned how to finish it, going as far as buying the stuff I needed to 'finish the job'. The only thing stopping me was my mum and brother and what it would do to them.

I decided that if it got to the point where I had the mask attached to the tank (told you I had it planned), then I'd just set off on my bike and ride for a bit (not far, I didn't have much energy) and if I got to a point where things hadn't improved then I'd end it all.

I didn't go to the doctors nor did I see a shrink (which I probably should have done).

A year on and I have improved, although I have good days and bad. Today I'm OK, fairly calm and had a decent commute in. My money issues have sorted themselves out and I'm now looking to buy a new house. Tomorrow I might be back to the depths of despair but I have the bike loaded in my mum's garage ready to go should I need to.

I can't really comment on the feelings of depression you have as I don't know you, but I can say that my view on suicide has changed a bit. I now see it as 'an option' and in doing so it makes me feel a lot calmer about things. A way out if you will.

I didn't follow the standard route outlined by others above and my 'recovery' has probably been stunted by it. However I will say that having the option to just bugger off on the bike gives another 'better' option and one that seemed preferable to the other one at the time

Cycling helps me a lot with my depression, which I've had for most of the last ~25 years, in periods when I didn't cycle I went into a much darker place (not to mention being much less fit and putting on weight).

I've not long come back from my first early morning recreational ride in years, I feel so much better for it, instead of typically fighting "the fuzziness fog" most of the day on days off from work before forcing myself out of the door in the afternoon.

Go see Weeksy. Depression lies to us and makes us anti-social when we need company. It's nice weather and spending time on the trails will help you.
My pennyworth of armchair analysis:
From reading your post I think you are an independent and adventurous spirit trapped in a conformist life. This could be the right time to retrain, mtb'ing guide sounds a good idea, or your own business, something that allows you to express this side of your personality.
I think this is a big reason for male depression - many of us are wired for adventure, not routine.

Sorry to hear how you're feeling

Some great advice above. DO TALK yo somebody - The Samaritans, your mum, your GP, hell even in here

Ride your bike - physical activity really does help. And take some solace from some of the kind words and offers above. I've no idea where you are but if you fancy a ride in the Chilterns or nearby then my email is in profile

Though I wouldn't say I've ever had suicidal thoughts I have had a pretty grim 18 months - but It can and does get better

Keep your chin up and keep talking

Thanks everyone. What you say all makes lots of sense. weekly cheers for the offer but can't face a long drive right now.

From reading your post I think you are an independent and adventurous spirit trapped in a conformist life. This could be the right time to retrain, mtb'ing guide sounds a good idea, or your own business, something that allows you to express this side of your personality.

Kind of funny - pretty much the opposite. I am self employed as a photographer and I get to do some stuff for work that I guess some people would kill for (got paid to go photograph a festival in Avoriaz the other week). I'm struggling to enjoy any of it though.

I love the freedom of being self-employed but my main problem is most other people are at work when I have free time so I just end up spending a lot of time on my own. No way I could go back to a 9-5 job though.

The stuff about riding my bike - I've been doing quite a bit of that but I still suffer from CFS/PVFS so if I overdo it I just feel like shit, mentally and physically.

OP, you could be talking about me in your post. Low self esteem and social anxiety all my life leading to long term depression. Feel I've missed out on so much that life should have to offer and at 50+ feel I've missed my chances. Going through NHS counselling (again!), it helps to talk but can't see it curing anything. Meds make no difference. Sorry you're in the same boat.

Just remember it's an illness that's causing you to think this way, it's not 'you'

This, very much.

Also, remember that it's an illness that comes and goes, but it's often the case in the depths of a bout/relapse/slump, call it what you will, to feel like this is how you always feel. The thing is, that's generally not the case; there's generally more good days than bad days.

Depression lies to us

And this; when you're having bad days the bastard condition won't let you remember the good.

Did you call the Sammaritans Grum? I've been where you are, mentally speaking, a few times. Currently on anti-depressants and they are working to a degree. Have you tried other forms of exercise other than cycling? I found weight training helped, no idea why.

Please do speak to someone, anyone. Keep posting if it helps. Depression is a real bastard. It makes it difficult to find meaning in anything, but please keep fighting it.

All the best.

Another one here; although I feel I hit rock-bottom about 18 months ago when I went through a period of thinking a lot about suicide. The crazy thing about all this is that to an outsider I seem to lead a healthy happy stable life.

Samaritans - 116123 Do it.

If you don't feel like talking, jo@samaritans.org, if you prefer SMS, email them and they will give you the number or text you back if you give them yours. Struggling here with anxiety and depression in the family and they have REALLY REALLY helped, they can for you too.

Im sorry to hear that Grum, ive never met you, but from our on line interactions you seem great!

coming back from travelling is always a huge come down, youll get your feet back under you soon enough, but defo get help asap
its incredibly scary how thin the line between feeling 'normal' and the black dog is.

theres plenty of people on here rooting for you!

Grum, where do you live mate?

everyone seems to think I lead this dream lifestyle - but honestly rarely a day goes by where I don't think about killing myself. Unless I'm actually on an adventure I'm miserable as ****.

I am self employed as a photographer and I get to do some stuff for work that I guess some people would kill for (got paid to go photograph a festival in Avoriaz the other week). I'm struggling to enjoy any of it though.

got paid to go photograph a festival in Avoriaz the other week

I hate you.

[b][u]JOKE![/u][/b]

As others have already said, talk, talk, talk. There's nothing bad about feeling bad (I like that, Steve), and there will always be people who will listen.

As an aside, just looked at some of your photos. Joyous festival pics!

Grum, please mate, go and see your GP, they'll help you access resources to get you to a better place. Don't think that no one cares, there's a whole community of mtb'ers who are willing you better and we'd be the ones who'd feel we'd failed if you take those pills. Pick up the phone, tell the receptionist you need to see someone today, just do it now!

Hang in there chap, Give the Samaritans a call. Please.

+1 for not alone... I've never been as low as this but I've found treatments mostly ineffective, mindfulness especially just frustrates me and makes me worse... And that in itself is a wee nasty vicious circle. But don't give up on that route, there are other things to try, you might just not have found the right thing for you.

Also, this forum is ace isn't it? Except when it's not, so if I was you I'd get out of the hope-vacuum that is our political poison threads.

Having depression is just like having weather inside your head……some days you wake up and it’s all sunshine and fluffy clouds, more often it’s howling winds and hailstones.
The forecasts are wildly unreliable and you have as much chance of controlling it as you do with the real weather outside.

Once you accept that it's not your fault, that you didn't cause it and you can do very little but weather the storm until it passes, it becomes easier to deal with.

Metaphorically speaking, I spent a long time standing alone in a blizzard, wearing shorts and a t-shirt blaming myself for the lack of sunshine until I finally broke and had the courage to tell someone I was freezing to death.

It was at this point someone put their arm around me and suggested coming inside to get warm and not going back outside until I was wearing more appropriate mental clothing.

From experience of others and myself, depression seems to be spreading amongst the male population at the current time, no reason for it, but one thing is for sure us blokes bottle things up, were affraid to TALK, The fear we will un masculinise ourselves, we become weaker to others.

Load of shit, talk to someone, most will listen, 100% of us on here will listen , offer help and advice, some based on personal experiences.

The Samaraitians is a free number and service to help, ring them write stuff on here in private to our email addresses or in public.

But talk/vent/go for a ride,hug someone and ask for a hug back.

Nothing really to add, but if you ever fancy a weekend in the countryside in North Norfolk, mountain biking is rubbish, but we have great beaches, peace, quiet and a shed load of nice pubs mate and the doors open.. I think we've all had the horrible lows, but you have to start thinking about what is good in your life, you seem to have good job, friends, people think highly of you and to have been in a relationship for 18 years there must have been good bits, often new relationships happen when you are open to them, but not trying to force the issue. If you get yourself in a good place and start to appreciate the good things in life, then that's when you'll probably meet someone new.

Perchy that is very well put. I am fortunate in that I have never suffered from depression and find it hard to relate to people that do in so much as what they require from me from an understanding point of view. My better half has suffered from depression in the past and that analogy puts it into some kind of perspective.

My analogy would be that it's like when most people think of an activity and don't feel like doing it because they feel won't enjoy it - but feeling like that about everything, literally everything, including your interests, all the time. This can make you want to hide away and do nothing which of course is the worst thing.

Go out and help an old dear in the supermarket or someone anywhere.
Make their lives just a little bit better.
That's all the justification we need to be alive.
Keep talking.
Eventually you will come out the other side.

Another sufferer here, rooting for you. Most days of my life I've woken up and had to persuade myself to carry on putting one foot in front of the other. About 18 years ago things got too much and I had a major breakdown. This crisis point led me to deciding I had to do something about my joyless existence and over the next few years started to deal with the underlying issues one by one, very difficult to do but ultimately very worthwhile. Key to all of it was stepping outside of myself and my illness and deciding to take care of myself like you would a sick person. If I felt bad I would treat myself with whatever I could, or at least be kind to myself rather than blaming/hating myself. Also I was aware my troubles were anxiety based, so I set about unearthing all of my fears, including some fairly unpleasant childhood memories, and facing my fears. To do this I wrote them down so that they were outside myself. This strategy eventually paid off, I don't know if it will work for you, mate but I urge you to be kind to yourself, look at your situation as objectively as you can and plan a strategy to overcome the darkness inside you. Lots of good advice above, just know there's plenty of us who in varying measure suffering like you and wanting you to beat this. Best of luck, feel free to email me if you need to

Sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. I'm not a bloke but I can empathise. I have just started lifting out of a horrible episode of depression that started in early December. I felt suicidal from early January until a couple of weeks ago. I posted on this forum a couple of months ago and it was very helpful, along with talking to my husband and going to my GP. I got support from secondary mental health services for 6 weeks and am on the waiting list for additional counselling. I had counselling last year which was great but I needed more sessions than the NHS were allowed to provide (resource issues).
Get yourself outside, see friends, talk to someone- even if you don't feel like it.

keep your chin up dude, I hope all the advice & encouragement that everyone is sharing is helping.
Nick Knowles was on Breakfast TV this morning plugging a series starting on the BBC tomorrow - Mind Over Marathon. One thing that he said really stuck with me- "if your watching TV tomorrow night and choosing between a programme about mental health or the comedy on the other side go for the mental health programme as everyone will recognise something in themselves or in someone they know"

remember its an illness and not you.

I do appreciate the support. I keep seeing all this stuff about being kind to yourself and learning to love yourself and I honestly don't understand how you're supposed to do it. I genuinely hate myself and feel like I'm weak and pathetic and a burden on everyone. I read loddrik's thread about finding the dead body and honestly that's one of the main things that's stopped me. I've tried to think in quite a a lot of detail what would be an 'ethical' way of doing it without upsetting/****ing other people up who'd have to find me/clear up the mess.

I figured if I jumped off a big enough cliff somewhere climbing then at least my mum might think it was an accident not suicide and mountain rescue are trained to deal with stuff like that. Spend ages going through these kind of scenarios in my head.

Re Samaritans - not gonna happen. I just generally hate talking to people on the phone, have a bit of a phobia about it since someone threatened to find me and shoot me over the phone when I was about 14 (!).

I'm sure I was probably a pain in the arse to live with in some ways but I actually feel like I was probably in quite an abusive relationship really. I'm sure she'd be outraged at the suggestion but she was always criticizing me and putting me down and making me feel shit about myself. Guess after 18 years you start to believe it.

Sorry to hear about everyone else that's suffering too.

Grum - really sorry to read this, and about your marriage too. Samaritans are defo worth a call, especially whenever you're feeling unsafe. Couple of thoughts (I worked in mental health years back, and my other half is a psychotherapist specialising in counselling for depression). If you can, resist the temptation to write off talking therapies - you might have been unlucky - lots of poor practitioners out there as well as some excellent ones. Good psychotherapy should be the opposite of a sticking plaster - it could be the one thing that really gets to the bottom of what's going on. Could take lots of sessions and some hard and emotionally upsetting work, but that's the route I'd be taking in your shoes if I'm honest. It could well be life-changing for you. Might need to go private to get enough sessions (NHS provision being rather minimal owing to resources).

Also, personally I'd resist the temptation to use adventures as a distraction. It's a natural thing to do, but it's essentially escapism and probably won't provide a sustainable solution. Long-term it could even make things worse. CBT could be worth a go, but it's not the same as long-term counselling or psychotherapy. Give us a buzz sometime if you like, or drop in for a brew if you're in town. You know where I am. In the meantime, go easy on yourself, talk to people you trust, and take care.

You still in Hebbers Grum?

Working today and tomorrow but off Friday.
Fancy a coffee and a quick spin?

Re Samaritans - not gonna happen. I just generally hate talking to people on the phone, have a bit of a phobia about it since someone threatened to find me and shoot me over the phone when I was about 14 (!).

Take a look at the CALM website, they have an online chat service which means you don't have to pick up the phone.

Rusty I'm not but I'm not too far away - sounds tempting, will have to see how I'm doing later in the week if that's ok. Thank you.

Screw that thinking Grum. You are one of the people on here that I think of as the good guys. I am sure that you are decent in real life as you come across on here.

I've been where you have been. I am telling you with certainty that those thoughts are twisted and your negatively-skewed perceptions are not accurate right now.

PM me if you want to talk. If you are ever near Brum, maybe even go out on the bike.

Jay

. Unless I'm actually on an adventure I'm miserable as ****.

There's your answer right there....

I've met you and if you lived near me I imagine we'd be pretty good buddies. Not in the romantic sense like.....

you already know we get on.....so if you can get on with me you can get on with anyone mate

I wouldn't shag you, but i thought you were proper nice, friendly, fun, great to get on with

This shit makes me warm inside.

I figured if I jumped off a big enough cliff somewhere climbing then at least my mum might think it was an accident not suicide

I'm currently sat at St Barts in London watching my mum to through chemo. Puts a whole new perspective on life. So many amazing people working here.... All the way from the doctors and consultants, the nurses, the transport drivers and cleaners.

If you are feeling worthless (as I have in the past with my life and my job) then before you go and kill yourself go and work in a hospital and make people's lives better....

Oh, and this...

[img] [/img]

Pleasure mate.

We're over the Burnley side, just drop me a line whenever you fancy it.
Off Friday to Sunday this week, just let me know, anytime fine with me.

Be good to meet you, you always come across as a genuinely decent bloke.

This time last year I was just coming to the end of 3 months signed off work and adjusting to medication for anxiety and depression. I have some understanding of where you are.

I got help - some counseling and CBT helped me adjust how I saw my world, the medication bought me time to adjust.

12 months on, life is better. A lot of the issues are still there and aren't fixed yet, but I'm dealing with them a lot better, with hardly any of the self loathing and despair of before. I'm about to pluck up the courage to try and get weaned off the medication to see how the world feels without it.

Seek help, it's out there and it will help.

Fwiw, I've found volunteering has been good for my mental health. I do one or two mornings a month at a local Forestry Commission centre, and I'm about to start leading easy level bike rides to try and help people get into exercise through cycling. Helping out seems to help me as well.

It is completely possible to turn it around. Completely. And probably not as hard as you think! You have made the first step here, well done. For me admitting to it was by far the hardest step. By far!!!! After that it was all about looking for, and accepting, help. I went to the GP who steered me from there. Good luck!

Glad you're still posting Grum. If you're really set against the Sammaritans how about trying to get some counseling through your GP?

Hang in there buddy. I know life can bet difficult at times, but you'll pull through. Can you afford to take a short break, just go somewhere to chill for a few days. Visit some old friends? Sitting with your own thoughts when in this type of mindset is never good.

Take care

If it helps to post on here, please keep doing it. I started something very similar on a forum about 3 years ago and I still use it as a support thing. It helps. People who don't even know me have reached out in amazing ways to help me. The same is happening here.

You sound like you're at the bottom of the rut. You'll get out of it. Trust me. Learn from it and next time in, you'll be better placed to cope with it.

I've emailed a psychotherapist I found helpful before about making an appointment. Given the sleeping pills to a friend.

Thanks again everyone. Do really appreciate the support. Will try and meet up with some of you soon as I think it would help.

You know, this is why this forum is so good. It really comes through on the stuff that matters and delivers support/banter/networking that is broadly right for the situation. Grum, never met you, but would echo the "one of the good posters" sentiments.
I think many of us have peered into the chasm of mental despair. Thankfully never gone over that edge myself, but like many 40 something blokes I have seen the edge of that edge and can genuinely see that it is a real thing and that it is a distortion of how you should see the world. We live in an amazing planet and if you can do just a few nice things then don't feel the burden of needing to do all the nice things. Best of luck from sunny Leeds.

Glad to see your most recent post above 🙂

I meant to add earlier that I know what you mean about talking on the phone to the Samaritans. I can't talk to a complete stranger over the phone about that sort of thing. After a few false starts I found a great counsellor though.
Where I live (east Chesire) if you are feeling suicidal, the GP sends you to the secondary mental health support team the same day, and they are pretty good.

I've emailed a psychotherapist I found helpful before about making an appointment. Given the sleeping pills to a friend.

Genuinely glad to read that. Take care of yourself and keep us updated

Grum, I've looked at loads of your photos and they're bloody great

I've also read quite a few of your posts over the years and I don't think I've ever considered you to be an arse - not bad going TBH, you're definitely in the top five percent of humanity with that 😀

Good stuff on contacting the therapist and dumping the pills - positive actions. PLEASE follow up on the therapy

Did you say you were a photographer?
Do you do weddings?

(Son's getting wed next year & needs a photographerist)

How's about we have a 'Grum ride'?
Ton could organise it cos he's good at that. 😉

There was a really good article on either R2 or R4 today about depression and electro shock therapy , worth checking out on iplayer as it might be an option

I fancy a tour of the arse end of Leeds.
🙂

Or, we could try and finish the 'Tour de Lees'?
The outward leg consists of a scenic loop around Radcliffe, Moston, Middleton and Royton, visiting the best of John Willie's public houses in the area.
No plans for the return leg, the only time I've tried it I had to be picked up from The Railway in Royton after forgetting where I'd left the bike.

i am up for organising a ride. just need Graham to say so and it shall be sorted.

i am up for organising a ride

Not round Leeds again FFS! 😉

Some sound advice on this thread, not all therapists are the same, I've discovered some are more preacher like and others genuinely seem to be helpful, last Christmas I spent some time with one who is also a Buddhist and I was in awe watching them work.

Your post about a climbing accident and Mountain rescue being trained for these things, it still doesn't stop it effecting them, especially as volunteers they may have to deal with an incident in the early hours of the morning then go to work like normal afterwards, I'm not MR but a member of a SAR team and my post in that other thread was based on experience of finding someone known to me.

Hello Grum. Fellow miserablist here. Hope you're ok.
If you are ever near North London and fancy going for ride/pint let me know.
I do most of my riding whilst folk are at work. 🙂

@ Alpin - I hope your mum's treatment goes well.

Didnt want to read and run....

Never met you mate, but as above, you come across as one of the good guys. Keep on keeping on and talk to people, on here or via your gp or Samaritans.

We are all rooting for you mate.

There's so much great advice on this thread. I can't really add much beyond moral support. Rootin' for ye, Grum.

I can relate 100% to the thing about having time off when no-one else does leaving you feeling isolated, or feeling like you're the kid in detention with your nose pressed against the glass watching the other kids out playing.

I work shifts and it's a common occurrence. It's more debilitating than we realise sometimes.

Heartening to see so many people offering you their time on this thread - you should take a punt on some of them. I have a circle of friends I wouldn't have now just from taking a punt on offers of a ride with complete strangers off STW.

Before you know it CTBM will be dishing out stickers with "be less glum and more Grum" on for Grum rides..

Glad to see there us an upswing

Glad to hear the update this morning grum. Step in the right direction. If there is a grum ride organised, I'll be there!

You've got a live to for - you just don't know it yet!

Set yourself a goal(s).

Life is battle -many ups and downs will make you a stronger person as you get through this.

Been there too.

I would definitely give you a hug if you were nearby.

Over the years you've given me great advice on dealing with CFS.

I've met you and I've met Rusty spanner, you really will get on. Try and take up his offer. Sometimes doing the things we feel we can't do (such as meeting a stranger from an mtb forum,) is just the ticket.
Bunnyhop x

Hey Grum.

Baby steps. Be kind to yourself, and it sounds like you are being so.

I would like to empathise with the 'living the dream' conundrum. I live on the edge of the alps and have a great family. I work all over the world on really interesting projects and honestly get a thrill out of the professional work I do (not always though: like lots of things it can get bogged down in admin and H&S..but I digress.). Anyway I have lots of 'down-time' when I'm not working as I am freelance and waiting for the next contract to come in...and I spend it moping around the house feeling like I'm some sort of waster, that I'm not contributing, that I'm not normal etc. I look after our children during holidays and this adds to my frustration whereas I should feel like I'm blessed with this amazing opportunity.

It all came to various crunch points over a period of time form about 2 years ago, and a lot of last year was spent having 1 on 1 coaching via. Skype. It wasn't all easy, and it opened some dark deeper stuff, but overall it has re-calibrated me emotionally if you will and I feel much more rounded, stable and understanding of my emotions as a result, they're still there, I still have such feelings, but now I can at least recognise them and I try to note them and move on and not let them affect me.

You're not alone, lots of guys of certain age seem to struggle mentally, and now more than ever they can be dealt with and talked about, and certainly I've come to realise this more from this thread this whole 'alternative earning methods' can make you feel different ; but it's common!!

Anyway, bit of a ramble, but I'm sure you realise now that we're all here for everyone when there is a need.

Thanks again peeps, genuinely helping.

Went out on my bike yesterday and maybe partly cos I wasn't really giving too much of a shit about myself I tried a pretty big drop I've never dared do before and messed it up. Over the bars, fairly deep hole in my leg above my knee, massive swollen (possibly broken) hand and a nice black eye. Marvelous. :-/

It's weird innit mugsy and Stef - in some ways it's great being able to ride when it's quiet and everyone else is at work but it's rare that I'm free at weekends when everyone else is. Wish I knew more self-employed folk round here who wanted to SHRED GNAR during the week.

Can't add much to what's been said but if your north westish n fancy a pedal n a pint I'm your man.

grum won't be able to post here for a while. 😐

(no, no, no, don't worry, nothing like THAT!)

He is however, massively appreciative of the responses and support so far and will be checking in regularly.

Ouch Grum. Sounds sore as hell!

Missed this thread when it first got posted, but just wanted to add my empathy - I sometimes have very similar feelings, and certainly have very similar issues. What gets me through is reminding myself that it's not always black or even grey - there are still highlights in my life which make it all worth it. Have actually had a bit of a downer this week - a while since I've had one like that, but seem to have come out of it surprisingly quickly (I think I know why, just need to work out how to duplicate that!)

Hey chap, you don't know me, butI've been aware of you as a regular poster here on my on and off visits over the past few years and always felt you were one of the stand up guys here. So I'm gutted to hear you've been dealt a duff hand by life and probably love, they do have a habit of destroying you in an attempt to blame someone else for their own failings, but enough of that If you fancy a mini adventure and maybe help someone at the same time, have a wander down to Herts and see the Jedi for a session. There's a young guy down there Sam, who was trying to break into photography last I was there and maybe some advice from you could help. Sometimes helping others can lift your spirits and it can make you feel better about yourself. Meeting and talking to Tony (the 'Jedi' dude) and listen to his tales of how he gets so much from helping others to ride better and you never know, your own riding might also benefit however good you already are, I can definitely recommend it, I went there one time during a period when my world was collapsing and it was the best thing I'd ever done, better than buying a new bike and it gave me the feeling that life wasn't over for me after all (I was feeling old, shit, worthless and my future at the time was definitely the bleakest it had ever been). Give it a try.

Hey Grum,
Not sure where in the UK you are but I'm a shift worker so get free time during the day midweek a lot and normally get out for a pedal whenever I can. I'm in Leeds.
If you're local and want a spin and a natter let me know. I can't say I have any advice or answers but its good to get out the house and take your mind off things. Rooting for you matey

Hello grum ,rusty spanner reminded me via another thread ...I was thinking about this last weekend.
If you' fancy , in a couple of weeks time ,I'd be happy to head up north for a Midweek daytime ride. Hopefully your wounds may have healed by then.
You show your fave local trails perhaps?

Hey Grum. First of all, I completely sympathise with what you described in the OP, and am glad of the good responses you have received so far.

Do I remember correctly that you were a member of mtb-wales? If so, does that mean you live in Wales? And if so, would you be interested in meeting up for a ride, a coffee, or a pint (once you've healed up, of course!).

Regardless, know that you've got a lot of people on your side!

Grum, hope you feel better soon and the swellings also heal.
Take care, hope you manage to meet up with the guys here soon.