[Closed] Depression - Why dont we talk about it?/ your experiences please

Tom

Glad to hear its getting easier

I'm pretty good overall although I have just had what i describe as a blip, after a row with the missus i felt it all coming back for a day or two, it has passed now though. it is apparently to be expected though.

My sleep is loads better i still wake early but am getting 7 hours, which really helps.

For me antidepressants weren't a great help. The problems remained and I still felt bad, it just numbed the pain and I stopped caring.

Loving work would be a stretch....

My bloods came back normal, so that was a relief.

Hoping I can get out on the bike a lot this weekend, that always does wonders in the short term for me.

Hoping I can get out on the bike a lot this weekend, that always does wonders in the short term for me.

I now find it quite depressing. Running is now my release.

My bloods came back normal, so that was a relief.

Might be an idea to ask for a copy and see what exactly was tested. You're entitled to ask for this.

I've read through most of this thread, and thought I'd share my experience (other experiences are available etc...) I don't know if it'll help any folk out there:

I've always had low self esteem/self worth issues. At a difficult time in my work life, I added health problems to my general mix of issues and where as before I'd be able to go for a blast on the bike or do a bit of climbing to pick up my mood, it started to become harder until a point where I lost motivation to go out and do things.

This moved on to loosing motivation to go out at all, even to work, and then onto not being bothered to eat. I wasn't sleeping, wasn't going to work or leaving the house and wasn't looking after myself and started to think that there wasn't really much point in me being alive and that my friends and family would be better off without me, and thoughts of killing myself became pretty much a constant presence in my mind.

When I eventually told her how I was feeling (Emotionally the hardest thing I've done in my life to date), my girlfriend at the time didn't know what to do, as like a lot of people, didn't see depression as an illness and just assumed I needed to stop being a miserable git and get on with things. She did however drag me to the GP who I have to say was bloody brilliant with me.

I was reffered to the "crisis" centre at the local mental health unit who had nurses at my home the same afternoon. I was put on some antidepressants (Which I can't remember the name of). These initially made me feel really anxious and apparently I got quite agitated and aggressive. I don't really remember much of those 4 weeks, apart from the nurses coming regularly to support my girlfriend and just sit for a while as I didn't want to talk to them and folk telling me that things would get better, and that I needed to keep taking medication.

After 4 weeks the GP decided to change the meds to Citalopram as I wasn't going well with the first lot, and again, I was still snappy and nervous. I couldn't sleep and was really a mess emotionally. I was only on those for 2 weeks before the GP tried something else (Lofepramine). This was for me the lowest point as all the promises of "Things will get better" seemed hollow, that I was beyond help etc. I pretty much only left my bed to use the toilet. Thankfully the new drugs started to have more positive effect on me within about 2-3 weeks (the anxiety and aggression pretty much stopped as soon as I stopped the Citalopram).

Apart from some horrendous acid reflux, and sweating like a fat man in a cake shop, the meds didn't really have any negative side effects and were having a positive impact on the way I was thinking and feeling.

I wouldn't say they made me happy, or indeed actually positive, they left me feeling kind of flat. Looking back now, it wasn't a "nice" feeling, but it was a hell of an improvement on how I had been feeling.

It gave me a crutch to start to rebuild my life, getting outside, doing things and actually start living again. From being a total recluse to (admittedly being forced to) go and meet some friends at a crag (even if I only took pictures rather than climbed) took 6ish weeks. Interestingly looking back at the photos I took, they're all fairly dark/sombre pictures. I was voluntarily going out on my bike within 10. I had weekly meetings with the mental health unit for the best part of 6 months. I was on the full dose of meds for 12 months, during which time my mood improved and I was (apart from the excessive sweating) back to my normal self. It took about 3 months of lowering the dose before the GP said I'd finished with them. I'd been doing bits of CBT and doing lots of exercise and carried on with that once I was off the pills.

6 months after that my girlfriend decided that my 30th birthday was the ideal time to break up with me. Things started to head south again, but because I was aware of the signs from the first time, I went to the GP before things got to bad and started on the pills again. 4 months after that I accidentally went cold turkey due to forgetting to take them on holiday with me and that was 3 years ago. I've not taken anti-depressants since.

I still think of myself as still having "depression" or at least a predisposition to "depressive episodes" but I know the warning signs that are personal to me, and know do stuff to try and make sure the spiral down doesn't start again.

I only told a very small number of my friends what was going on, mostly out of embarrassment at not being able to cope with "life", and that was really hard to do. But them knowing means that when they see the signs, or when I see them and know I need to get help, I have support and understanding, and people I can go to.

When I was bad I didn't believe it, but in reality, things do get better, it's not easy by any means, and unlike a broken leg it's hard to see that you're ill externally so often people who don't really understand don't treat you as they really should.

If you are feeling down for a prolonged period, go see a GP, talk to people close around you, or post random stuff here. Support is out there, and there are people who understand and are willing to help.

Interesting read Dan-I don't think that I've sunk quite as low as you, but the whole downward spiral of not getting out, not caring is depressingly (pun intended) familiar.

Just got a call from some lovely sounding woman and I've got an appointment with a mental health nurse in just under two weeks.

Great post Dan glad to hear you are feeling better

The embarrassment /shame we feel about depression is one of the major reasons why I started this thread

I have to start this response with: binners, stop talking utter rubbish.
At the time your article came out I was having counselling for work and post cancer related stress. I've been depressed before and have recognised the lowest of the lows but like others have said I've never recognised the triggers or how I get out of the depths.
Though I wasn't depressed at the time the article came out, I was stressed, I could clearly define the difference and I knew why but I couldn't begin to understand how I got out of it. The counselling worked wonders for me, as did getting a new job and handing the notice in on the last one and riding and finding a bit of fitness helped too. But to find your article and read it (at a kids disco party, yes crying at one isn't the usual but hey it was a bloody good article) was another tonic. It was a we are not alone in our fears, our perceived weaknesses or our worries. Your article reminded me of riding with mates, of riding alone and the post ride glow. It reminded me of how much my mind and body are inextricably linked and they both need physical exertion (more than just getting out of bed).
The long and the short of it is that your article helped me, along with other factors, get my head straight. So Mr Binners, thank you.

Sorry for dragging this one up again....

Having a really horrible day today. My 'mood' starting taking a dive over the weekend. I didn't get out on the bike or do any physical activity. There's so many things going on in my head I just can't make sense of them, sort them out in order and deal with them. I just feel overwhelmed by just being alive, dealing with absolutely every little thing. The drive t work, the shower this morning, my first contact with someone in work, it's just all a huge anvil on me. I'm frightened to take action, fight it, or call someone, or whatever. Posting here seems the easiest option as nobody knows me really.

St Colin - first off, don't panic. IME things ebb and flow, you get good times and bad times. The bad times will pass. Go easy on yourself, maybe call your GP or (if you've got them) some other supporter/helper. Try to nip out for a ride tonight, doesn't have to be a biggy, just 10 mins, or just do something else that you might enjoy, don't go looking for the ultimate buzz. Or just keep posting on here.

Thanks. When I feel like this, I often look for answers. I'll scour the web looking at threads on forums, or think to myself what I should actually do.

I feel very lathargic today and have done since the end of last week. My eating has been random, and mostly full of sugar - comfort eating I guess. Today though, I haven't eaten yet. I have the belief that I actually have a pot/beer belly and I hate it, so I go through periods of not eating to see that if in some weird way, it'll disappear. For the record, I'm just over 6ft and 12st 8lb. Any body fat I have has made its way to my belly. I'm always conscious of it. I sleep with a t-shirt on no matter how warm it is. I'll wear two layers on my upper body when I go out becuase I don't want people to see any detail.

Been there St Colin - days when it feels like my batteries have been put in the wrong way round - all seems normal on the outside but inside nothings working, all there is is noise and static and no energy to do anything. Days when you just give in and wait for tomorrow, hoping that somehow it will be better. I know that I need to do something, anything, break out of that but can't find the energy/belief to actually do it. It's hateful and I feel for you, but I'm sure that deep down we both know that just starting small, doing little things, engaging with stuff, allowing ourselves to feel a tiny glimmer of satisfaction even though we shut the rest of it out, all helps on the way out.

You sound as fat as me, but I still weigh myself every morning and beat myself up if I've gone up a pound. I kick myself by saying that if I was motivated enough to train more/work harder then I'd be stronger, fitter, faster, lighter, better than I am. But still don't have the motivation to train as a result.

Do you have anyone else helping you - CBT/counselling or anything like that. For me it's like steering a supertanker by sticking an oar over the side, but I'm starting to notice some effects, hopefully you will too.

I finished my second spell of counselling a few weeks back. I also went through a basic CBT course a few years back. I don't feel any different other than understanding my problem better.

Been an interesting read this thread.

The comment on AD being "pain killers" for a sore knee is by far the best analogy I have read in a long time, and I entirely agree with it. It does not help the cause of the depression, which many seem to ignore. Staying on AD for most of their life seems to be the norm. My wife's grandfather has been on them since the 1950s!

Apparently I suffer from depression, or rather "episodes of depression" too. I was eventually convinced to go visit the GP by my then girlfriend (now wife..)

For me, the event of getting prescribed AD was the trigger for the "upward spiral" - I did not ingest one single magic pill - but psychologically it worked.

Perhaps it was the "shame" of relying on AD pills to function on a daily basis (I say "shame" as this thread is about the taboo subject of depression), or perhaps it was the self-realisation that I had to sort myself out.

Either way, it worked (for me), and I'm now quite a different (much more positive and active) person than before the prescription.

My wife on the other hand is very reliant on AD..... though I'd say more of a psychological dependency than chemical need (like if I forget my inhaler when riding/driving/going out, it can trigger a panic induced asthma attack....).

When we met she had quite severe bulimia but I helped her get through that without the use of magic pills (and she's been cold-turkey with that for 4 years now 😀 ).

St Colin - how about booking in with your GP then? That's one tiny step, but better than being alone with it. Fwiw I've done 2.5yrs of counselling and am in the middle of some cbt. I understand myself so well these days, but like you that doesn't always help. For me I know there's no miracle cure, just a lot of small things that slowly help turn me around. If that's anything like you, just pick an easy one and see where it leads.

St Colin have you ever heard of body dysmorphic disorder?

I just wondered because some of what you describe sounds quite similar. The symptoms tend to be focused on fixations about particular features, or aspects of appearance, self consciousness, taking measures to try and hide or get rid of the offending body part/s or flaws, feeling distress about said offending body part/s or perceived flaws, and the resulting preoccupation leading to social anxiety, depression, etc. I recognised some of that in the post you made about how you feel about your body shape and the lengths you go to to cover it up. I suffered from it myself, and would do the same, my stomach was one of the areas that bothered me, I still have issues wearing anything fitted or clingy, although I am much better than I was a few years ago.

People often think this is something that affects only teenage girls and young women, but increasingly, men are suffering from it too.

Yea, I've felt like that about every part of my body since I can remember. I hate it when it's warm and sunny, because then it becomes uncomfortable to hide. I have learnt to deal with my legs which I hate. I wear 3/4 riding bottoms, or knee pads if I wear the shorts I want as I really hate my knees. I shudder at the thought of ever ending up on a sunshine holiday.

Hey st Colin - just seeing how you're doing.

There are some good resources on Body Dysmorphic Disorder via the MIND website, might be worth a read - there are also some online self diagnostic tools you can use - obviously not a medical diagnosis, but an indication that you might be able to go to your GP with. I'm at work at the mo, so can't post any links, but could do when I get home.

I'm okay today. Still very anxious and restless.

I've been thinking about taking time off work, but I'm not sure that would be a good idea, or help at all.

I'm actually trying to stay off the likes of Facebook and other online places as I'm always comparing myself to others. A lot of my Facebook friends ride so I'm always looking at there videos and photos and comparing that to me.

I've not much new to add to what's been said already but I have suffered with depression for five years and have been through the whole cycle of meds, CBT and counselling. I have been off work for the last five weeks following most recent episode and it has broken the downward cycle. I'm not yet feeling good but at least I have stopped feeling worse each day. My depression is rooted in social anxiety and performance anxiety related to my job so staying off makes sense for me - it might not for you St Colin depending on the root cause of your depression. Sometimes the routine of work can distract you from the negative feelings so working might be right for you. Only you can decide.

Just an update....

I've now been referred to the Mental Health Team. Ended up off work for a week, but I've now returned. Really struggling at the minute. How is everyone else doing?

Felt better....... Currently flat out on the couch trying to muster up some energy to go out.

More angry than anything else, hard to justify feeling like this when there's nothing really for me to complain about.

Update from me, after being on the up for the past month or so, I'm feeling not too far from being back to square one. Slipped out of all of my habits of being organised....missing breakfast a lot, not showering every night, not brewing able to organise my work etc.

At the minute I can't even be that bothered to try and help myself.

Hey Tom - at least you can be bothered to post on here. That's a start. Nobody has a smooth ride all the time, but I guess you know what the good times feel like and what's helped in the past. Go easy on yourself.

Out of interest, anyone meditate to help their depression?

I started in the last couple of years and it has had a tangible effect. Doesn't stop me getting depressed, but helps pull me out of the black hole once I fall in, if that makes sense.

I've struggled with the black dog for 20 years. Not very good at talking about it.

In the last 10 years I have learned strategies to manage it, but I still haven't totally cracked it and still fall into a bottomless pit, fairly frequently.

When I was having a bad patch a few months ago, the stuff I read on here was really helpful in making me feel I was just normal! and not a messed up isolated wierdo. so Thank you STW thread for that. This stuff is good.

Out of interest, anyone meditate to help their depression?

This is something I have been meaning to try. I sometimes do have a problem finding a quiet space to try it.

However.......a bit of a breakthrough has been had here. Having had a bit of a chat (not about this) with my mate yesterday (who stays in Australia) about nothing in particular. It has made me realise that I might be a bit lonely. I seem to have shut myself away from things a bit, lost my zest for life and for doing things.......I haven't discovered any new music in years. The whole "I need to get out more" excuse. Even popping to the supermarket recently has become more of an effort than it needs to be.

I also seem to spend an inordinate amount of time on the internet (yes, I am seeing the irony of me posting this on a forum) It's become part of my daily routine to be online, looking at the same websites/forums expecting amazing things to be happening. My job is sitting at a computer, and my home life has become sitting at a computer. I honestly can't remember the last time I just read a book.

"Working on it" would be a fair description

This prog tonight (BBC2 at 9) might be of interest ...

[url= http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23229014 ]http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-23229014[/url]

First rule of Depression Club: We Don't Talk About Depression Club!

Having been there, got the t-shirt, taken the t-shirt back, exchanged it for a smile, I can totally empathize. It's a real sh!tter when you can't trust your own thoughts or judgement. Counselling was a big help. Try and stay on the bike as well or start a mancave project.
I'm still very much aware of slipping back but you learn the signs and also how to nip them in the bud.

EDIT: redsox - nothing amazing will happen, trust me. I'm hoping for the same. Try something new, even if its a curry you've never had before. New things fire up the senses.

Just wanted to update this thread, apologies for bringing it up. Got a date for my first CBT appointment. My new medication seems to have stabilised me a bit, venlafaxine. However, all my demons remain, just not as strongly as before. Oddly, I'm having huge self-image problems at the minute. I'm always feeling slow on the bike, groggy before and after. I've started playing football again after about a year away from it and my fitness with that is pretty poor. I watched competitors at a local triathlon event and felt extremely inadequate afterwards making comparsion to the competitors and myself.

I may have to join this topic....

Talk gofaster.... Just type here how things are going, it will most likely help.

OK - I will when I'm home tonight - I can't type long/serious post when at work 😉

Hi st colin. Well done on the footie - fitness for any sport is pretty specific so it's no surprise that you're feeling it, and I'd expect there's some regulars who aren't as fit as you anyway. With any luck the CBT will help you find a voice to answer your demons back and slowly but surely defeat them. Have you got the standard 6(?) NHS sessions or are you seeing someone privately? I've found that going along to a support group is also useful (a bit like this, thread only in person and with coffee & biccies 😉 ) but it's good to be able to talk to people who are at different stages of the same thing without needing to explain or justify yourself, because they've been there/are there too.

St Colin, noticed this thread popping up again. It sounds from your post today that the trend is generally a positive one. I think for all of us we have better and worse times but if today is better than three months ago that is all we can hope for, an improvement over time. I hope the CBT helps. It did for me but I found it hard work. After an hour session I was pretty wiped out but believing in the benefit kept me going. Stay strong and you'll manage. There will always be people on here for you if you need them.

Thanks purist/dubh.

This is a longer CBT course. I had attended the 6 NHS sessions about 4 years ago which didn't help. I don't believe I was in the right frame of mind for it. I'm feeling optimistic about this new course.

I don't think I could do a group session, I wouldn't have the confidence to openly talk to people about it face to face. This is why I have contributed here, for now.

With my body confidence, I have spent the last 24 hours basically degrading myself over every detail.

A bit of progress here too. Had my first counselling appt last week after a 3 month wait. I'm to have a few 1-1 sessions then onto group sessions. Nervous about it but got to see it through this time.

I'm fine and dandy. That must be two or three years now that I've been good, and it still feels bloody great. The rest of you - stick in there - you will find a good solution in the end.

My own black moods are pretty much entirely down to isolation. Some of this can't be helped - I'm self employed and work on my ownsome - in itself a recognition that I like quiet environments - but the isolation can snowball and get out of control. Then it's back to the drawing board - trying to make new friends, etc, but this gets tougher with age:-

I watched competitors at a local triathlon event and felt extremely inadequate afterwards making comparsion to the competitors and myself

Don't worry about them. To be good at that stuff, you have to be single-minded and put all your time and effort into it, it's boring.

Hi St Colin,

My partner is on venlafaxine, 225mg/day (near the highest dose I think you can get out of hospital). He also takes another pill in the evening as it helps him to sleep - it isn't a sleeping pill but apparently venlafaxine can cause disrupted sleep and it counters it. With this extra pill (taken at about 8pm, we go to bed at 11:30) he sleeps OK. Just something to be aware of if it happens to you.

The higher doses of venlafaxine are used for anxiety/depression, which is what MrAdamW suffers from. Since he lost his job due to the illness (another can of worms) he has stabilised somewhat and is now doing his caving stuff more.

He was told he'd be on the venlafaxine for about 5 years minimum. Obviously everyone is different but I think it is more a medium-to-long-term medication.

As for comparisons, I guess we all do that. I have got rid of FB as everyone apparently has perfect lives on there and tbh I couldn't be bothered with its false imagery. Unfortunately I ride with a club with really good people in it (much more bottle than me!) so always feel inadequate when there and it caused me to not turn up many times. I am usually told off by the others as it isn't all just being rad and cool and 'sick' but for me it is the company and enjoying myself.

Meditation can help. I've done it and you can get calmer using it.

I wish you the best mate, and hope things improve for you. Hopefully the CBT will help; I've heard good things about it (if I could only get MrAdamW to go get some...).

Thanks AdamW. I'm on 112.5mg. Funny you should mention sleep. My sleeping pattern is terrible. This is a combination of a few things. I think I go to bed to early. My bed has been a refuge for me, somewhere I go to get away from it. I guess I get drawn to it in the evenings and I'm always worse at night. My gf also watches tv when we're in bed, as it helps her sleep. And it doesn't help me. Then I usually need to go to the toilet 2-3 times during the night too. I can't remember the last time I managed 6-7 hours solid sleep.

I am so glad I found this thread a while back.

I used to be the eternal optimist, noone ever knew me get down about anything and generally I didn't.

Then, a couple of years ago I went through an incredibly stressful time - chronic illness, the worst time in a job I have ever experienced, getting through IVF - and initially when it was over everything felt good again.

But then it was as if after the initial coming down to earth from it all I just kept going and my mind got darker and darker. It was so frustrating because I had never felt like that before and being a typical bloke I just tried to power on and pretend everything was ok and that took even more out of me mentally.

About the same time I also stumbled across this thread and read the entire thing and recognised so much of what I was feeling.

Eventually Mrs Danny insisted I go to the doctor who was great. He helped me through my illness so trusted him which helped. Initial chat then gave me a couple of weeks to think about think about things, then back in and decided anti depressants were the best way forward.

I'm now about half way through my course and feeling much much better - there is finally light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck to everyone else who is going through it.

Cheers

Danny B

Great news Danny B.

Colin

Just started on Sertraline this week. So far feeling very spaced out and struggling to concentrate and sleep. Some stuff I've read says it should settle in a week or two - does this sound normal?

Was on Citalopram about five years ago but don't remember any real side effects. Had some counselling since then and did a computer CBT course earlier this year. Things just got on top of me recently and my counsellor advised me to see the doc as I was in a pretty bad place. Not totally happy about it as I've actually got reasons to feel down for once and I'm scared of not feeling what I should.

Glad I've asked for help though. Had been meaning to post on here at some point, my life's fallen to bits in the last two months.

I felt like that when I started my (different to yours) meds exile. 10 days or so and things started settling down for me. Good to see that so many people are making improvements on here. I've been doing a lot better of late-working pretty hard with my CBT etc. This week I've been struggling though tbh.

I did my first group therapy session thing last Friday-I'll be honest I only went because I thought that it might be funny...turned out to be quite a liberating and thought provoking session!

Exile, welcome to the thread. Yes, new meds will take around 2-4 weeks approx to bed into your system. Just keep an eye on things if they don't improve over time.

Hi Tom. Group sessions have been mentioned quite a few times to me.

Yesterday turned out to be a terrible day. Meds have been changed slightly after a visit to the doctor 2 days ago suffering from feeling very dizzy/lightheaded and not sleeping. I took a bad panic attack yesterday morning in work and ended up having to leave pretty sharpish before I broke down totally. It came on so sudden, and it lasted most of the morning. Felt helpless and out of control, scared and very very lonely.

Hope everyone else has been feeling better than this.

Shit, hope things get better Colin...the group sessions do seem to work.

Just wanted to add another "thankyou" message - I was also having a pretty rough time with depression a few months ago and reading this thread made me realise I needed help so I went to the doctors and spoke to a friend. I'm now feeling a lot better (taking St Johns Wort which seems to be working for me) and realising what is important for me to do. Anyway, thanks to those who are better than me with talking about it.

Hi Colin, I'm Ali - been on and off here for a few years now 🙂

I've suffered with depression for a long time but was diagnosed about 3yrs ago after I became really poorly. I've been on meds for this amount of time, did try and come off them 2yrs ago but ended up having a relapse.

I had counselling through work and also went private for a while until I discovered that the NHS do counselling so signed up to the service. It was just what I needed.

Hope you're feeling a bit better, you're not alone as you know 🙂

Thanks Aleigh. It's always good to know that something is working for people. My CBT starts at the end of next month.

Alpine Girl, welcome to the thread. I can understand about not being able to talk. I can write/type my thoughts no problem, but when it comes to actually talking to someone, I find it really difficult.

Wow.

I have been off STW for a while now, (not for any reason just had other stuff going on) thought i'd see if anyone had added anything, and have been humbled by the kind help and advice people have been giving on here.

So glad i posted it as its helped me reading it as one thing I struggled with was the feeling of loneliness and the thought that everyone else was OK and just getting on with life and i was the only one feeling bad.

The more I have spoken to people the more I have now realised how common this is, even family members have had problems I didn't realise until now, so in that way its made me much more aware which has got to be a good thing.

I recommend going onto this website as it has loads of clear, non biased info about medication and other subjects. There is also some helpful stuff to show people that aren't sufferers, how someone who is feels and how best to help them.

http://www.depressionalliance.org/

Keep it up guys, lets look out for each other..........

So, how is everyone doing?

I've had 3 sessions of CBT now. It's early days, still no change in mood. Beginning to really lose hope now. My relationship is taking a battering too, and I don't know what to do next.

CBT is a long process but you have to be in the right mind before you start. For depression it has very good results but when I had it it did nothing (I have Bioplar).
The most important person to bring you back to normal is your doctor.
If you don't feel happy with them, change. In 3 years I have had 7 doctors and only now am I getting results. I'm still a million miles from being right though.
The next thing is medication. If, after 5 weeks it doesn't work it never will so get it changed.
Once you have these two things in place can you start therapy.
Your relationship will be better once you start to become more positive.
I have been off work for a long time and will not return until my head is a bit better. My episodes are currently too extreme to even consider it. My bike has been sitting in my garage gathering dust for 3 years.
Good Luck.
If you need anyone to talk to mail in profile.

EDIT: You also need it confirmed by several doctors that it's depression you have. I was told I was depressed so was prescribed anti depressants. Really not a good idea for Bipolar sufferers as I went completely manic, ending up in the countryside of Slovenia with no idea how I got there. I then attempted suicide twice. Once ultra rapid cycling bipolar was diagnosed everything cooled down a bit. I still have my shit days and really crazy days but life is a bit better.

Hey st colin. CBT takes a bit of work - I guess you know that there's no magic cure for depression. I found that CBT just gives you a different way of looking at situations and then choosing to react/behave differently to your default setting. The premise is that then by behaving differently you start to feel different and get into a bit of a virtuous circle, but you need to put in the work to make that happen.

My therapist used [url= http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=47 ]this[/url] as reading/support to go alongside the sessions, and I found a lot of it to be quite autobiographical. I wouldn't say that I use a lot of it in daily life, but I can and do stop the default knee jerk reaction to some things.

I've also started going along to a depression support group - a weekly meeting where you get to talk & share things with others who have been going through a lot of the same stuff as you. Sitting in a room with a bunch of depressed people probably doesn't sound like a load of fun, but it can be a bit of a laugh (as well as the odd sombre moments).

Another thing I've found helpful is practising mindfulness - a few minutes each day focussing on and accepting the here & now rather than having my mind running over my past failings and my future worries. The idea of meditation was initially quite difficult for me to accept as I'm sceptical of a lot of that 'new age' stuff, but this is delivered in a straightforward way, no incense, no chanting, no orange robes 😉 Check out [url=

Mark Williams[/url] on youtube or [url= http://www.getsomeheadspace.com/ ]Headspace[/url] for more info.

Hang in there - it can and will get better.

Thanks for the replies.

I know CBT is a long process. I'll certainly be sticking at it. I'm very withdrawn at the moment, socially and in my relationship. For example, I planned in my head to go out on the bike on Sunday, the club I'm part of was having a run out on trials I've never ridden. Come 7am Sunday morning, woke up and feel low. Don't go. Two things are really bouncing around in my head. I missed out on time on the bike, so time to get better and faster has been minimised. Secondly, the club will think I'm not interested in going out with them.

These are the kinds of things that trouble me far too much.

I think they all know you're sick, if not tell them.
The bike will eventually com back.
I know exactly how you feel.
You're already low so don't let this get you even worse.

http://www.goodtherapy.org/brainspotting-therapy.html

I find that brainspotting works really well for me but its not so common in the uk.

Secondly, the club will think I'm not interested in going out with them.

This is one of the thought processes that I found CBT helped with. For instance, when you do go out with the club, how do you feel about people who aren't there? Do you think 'oh well, perhaps Fred has something else to do this morning, or maybe he didn't feel like it etc' or do you think 'well Fred clearly isn't interested in riding with us any more'. And when Fred comes back, do you say 'good to see you again' or 'oh, so you dare to show your face again after ignoring us'. It's hard to treat yourself the same as you treat other people, but is there a reason not to? Easy to say, hard to do.

Yea, that's exactly how I am trying to picture it. Treat myself how I would treat others.

St Colin sorry to hear you are still struggling. I did CBT for a while not sure if it helped much but it did make me be nicer to myself and stop beating myself up as much.

really try to go riding thats going to help your seratonin levels and being in a group can help too

Stick with it mate

Colin, what stops you from going out on your bike? I often struggle with it due to anxiety issues, I just force myself out and always feel better afterwards. something my CBT practitioner was on about - motivation leads to action which leads to increased motivation.

The main reason is that I don't think I'm fast enough, fit enough. I seem to believe that I need to be going as fast as possible, constantly improving, and getting fitter and stronger.

Last night I got out on my rigid MTB and thought I felt strong during the ride. I only managed 15.4mph average over 26 miles and only 950ft of climbing. This was on the road. So, I felt good during, but was disappointed in myself after.

I guess you do a bit of racing?

Perhaps get rid of the speedo/garmin/strava/whatever you use. It's antoher thing that your mind will mince over afterwards. Instead of an endorphin rush, you'll be feeling down in the dumps that you got a poor average speed.

I don't bother with any of those devices, it's another thing to piss about with before riding, another distraction that may lead to me not even bothering at all. Sometimes it's hard enough just to put my shoes on!

I didn't race this year, but hope to race in the Irish Enduro series next year, funds and fitness permitting. I do question whether I should be competing at all.

A lot of the time I don't even get close to getting changed into my cycling gear...

Just thought I'd come on and have a bit of a moan about people's perceptions about depression.

I was diagnosed as bipolar about 3 years ago. It started sometime round about my late teens early twenties. I then spent most of my twenties trying to improve my situation as I felt if I could just get myself into this job or live in that city then I would be happy and no longer suffer bouts of depression. When I wasn't depressed I would have periods of being very productive and focused and I was able to achieve whatever I set out to do.

Things started to spiral in my late twenties though when I realised that I had exhausted everything I could think of and I was 'living my dream'. I knew my situation could not get any better. The only exception was my relationship situation. I found it difficult to get a girlfriend because, I now realise, I was looking for someone to save me and the desperation vibes I was giving off were not my most attractive characteristic. When I did find myself going out with someone I would always dump them because they hadn't magically cured my depression. I realise all this now in hindsight.

Things spiraled and I found myself almost permanently depressed. My work was suffering and my friends were really really worried. I would swing between anger and inconsolable depression with occasional periods where I was positive and euphoric because I had figured out a foolproof way of curing my depression.

Eventually my friends managed to drag me to the doctor's. The reason I was so resistant was rooted in my first experience of seeing a doctor about my problem. When I was about 23 I was starting to realise something wasn't quite right with me. I went to the doctor and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. I was actually in a bout of depression at the time and I had to deal with about half an hour of being berated and humiliated (and being told I had an alcohol problem). Since I was in a state of depression at the time I just accepted it instead of telling her to go **** herself and demanded another doctor as I should and would have had I been in my normal state of mind. Once I shook off that bout of depression I vowed never to see a doctor about it again and figure things out for myself.

I found myself spending most of my time trying to figure out the best way to kill myself. I eventually decided on going out on my bike and wait until a driver was tailgating me. I would then 'fall off' the bike and let the car drive over me. I figured that was best since my family and friends would not think I had killed myself and I would get my own back on a arsehole driver. I'm telling this part just to give you an idea of my state of mind at the time.

Anyway, as I said, my friends dragged me to the doctor's and I agreed since I didn't have the energy to resist. My experience this time couldn't have been better. He was incredibly kind and understanding. After consulting with a psychiatrist it was decided that I should try Lamictal. Over the next four months my condition improved to the point that I was almost normal. I was still suffering bouts of anger and depression but they were much less severe and I could cope.

Anyway, this next part is the moan that I wanted to have. My first child was born recently (once I lost my air of desperation I became much more attractive) and I didn't want my son to grow up putting up with my depressed periods.

So I went back to my doctor and then to a psychiatrist. After a blood test it was found that the levels of Lamictal in my blood were still a bit low and we should increase the dose.

When I told my friends this there was all kinds of resistance to the idea. I was getting all kinds of advice, mostly based around talking instead of medication. This annoyed me because if I had diabetes I doubt anyone would feel the need to advise me on what the best course of action would be.

My problem is a chemical imbalance in my brain, not a reaction to some kind of trauma. There's not really that much to talk about. The medication I take is working and has no side effects. What makes people think they are qualified to offer medical advice.

Just as an aside, the last time I went for a medical for a job I told the doctor that I was taking Lamictal for bipolar. His reaction?

"Oh for God's Sake!"

There are still plenty of complete arsehole arrogant ****s who wear white coats out there. My advice is to spend a bit of time and find someone who isn't a complete ****.

Edit: Just add something to depression after riding; I always found that when I was depressed going out on my bike helped while I was actually out probably because I was using a different part of my brain.

However, when I got home my depression was worse than ever. It was as if all the emotions that had been kept at bay while I was out come flooding back all at once and I felt much worse than if I had just stayed in.

Hi BruceWee.

I agree to what you're saying to a point. I don't have much faith in my GP. I'm putting myself in the hands of the counsellor.

You mention a few things you have brushed over. The alcohol for example. Was it a problem?

Over the last couple of months I've had an assessment followed by six cbt sessions with a counselor then moved to group sessions, last night was the second meeting. I kinda get what they're on about but still find it very difficult to put into practice.

Please get referred to your community mental health team.
Get a Social Worker, Mental health Nurse and most important Psychiatrist.
A GP will give you pills and say come back next month. You will waste so much time with this.
Once these are in place can you start counselling. I know from grim experience how difficult it can be.

Hi again Iolo. This CBT is coming from the mental health team. It has taken a long time to get here to be honest.

Good Luck. I hope everything will turn out right for you.

You mention a few things you have brushed over. The alcohol for example. Was it a problem?

No. At the time I was doing a lot of karate competitions. In the run up to a big tournament I would stay off drink for 3 months beforehand.

When I wasn't in training I would drink as most relatively sporty 20 year olds do. I made the mistake of telling the stupid cow that I had been out the previous weekend and had 8 beers. This constitutes an alcohol problem apparently.

There are GPs who are alright out there, it just seems to me that they're few and far between. But then I could just be unlucky.

There are GPs who are alright out there, it just seems to me that they're few and far between.

I would agree with this. But we could widen that to say

There are people who are alright out there, it just seems to me that they're few and far between.

Bruce, on the medication front, I've been prescribed tablets for my CBT and they have made a huge difference, and I'm absolutely comfortable that I will be taking them (or something new) for the rest of my life.

It is true, some GPs are a disgrace. My mum has recently finally been diagnosed with Alzheimers. Her first GP visit the GP said she was fine, just normal signs of aging. My mum can't even get a single sentence out without using a completely wrong word, and she's educated to degree standard! Got a second opinion and put my foot down hard.

In contrast I'm lucky in that my GP (and indeed the whole surgery) is everything one could ask for and more, as were our local Mental Health services.

A late arrival to the thread. It's great too see people being open and supportive with each other.

I'm another one with the t-shirt, as is Mrs North. In fact, that's how i came to change names on here (to this one) several years ago: to get advice for her.

I found the pills useful and fairly mild, with CBT not being the answer, but definitely unlocking my ability to challenge the way I think. Or, more accurately, allowed me to return to considered thinking. I now pretty much do CBT to myself on a permanent basis - current reading is Steve Peters's Chimp Paradox.

Mrs North found pills less good - first lot (Seroxat) made her violently ill, which worsened her situation. Second set (Citalopram) was much better, and gave her the space to tackle her depression and burn out. Her CBT was, for her, life changing: her therapist did far more than CBT, using various other techniques, which effectively amounted to life coaching.

I know several people with mental health issues, from depression, through bipolar to full on psychosis. All are affected by ongoing stigma (though things have really improved IMO in the last few years).

+1

I have contributed earlier in the thread but have had a recent relapse. Went back to my GP and she's put me back on Citalopram for a minimum of 2 years. She's also referred me to a therapist for CBT as she's concerned about my symptoms / behaviour.

I've been back on the Citalopram for a month now and am starting to feel the benefits. I can concentrate again abd am less anxious.

healing vibes to all.

A few thoughts for this thread:

1) SSRI's never cured it, they masked it. For me anyway, for others they help the curse to go into remission.

2) CBT never helped, I never felt that the other person (the shrink) I spoke to was truly interested.

3) Remembering the quote from M*A*S*H "Anger turned inward is depression. Anger turned sideways is Hawkeye." helped. One day I just woke up, looked in the mirror and kind of had an epiphany. The depression was a result of where I'd been and where I was right now, it's a natural reaction to something not being right. So firstly, I came to accept who I was and where I'd come from. Secondly, I purged everything out of my life that I didn't deem acceptable. People mostly, as soon as I stopped giving a **** it just kind of faded away. Time is healer, remove yourself from the situation physically and emotionally then revisit it a little bit at a time until your negative reaction to the situation becomes dulled - same principles apply to PTSD treatment.

It did make me a bit of a cold bastard though, funnily enough it corresponded to a letting go of fear in other aspects of my life as well including mountain biking. It's a game guys, try not to be too hard on yourselves.

Tom
Those are wise words thanks for sharing your experiences!