[Closed] Depression...

Treat her like a normal human being. That's most likely what she'll want IMHO. I'd send a message saying thanks for letting me know, hope things are better for you soon and let me know when you feel like meeting up. Oh and my personal experience of depression is that waiting to feel better in a few days is fairly normal (that's how it seems to work for me, though clearly everybody is different).

If you're interested and not put off by this, I'd suggest it's a pretty good sign that she's prepared to open up to you that much!

Good luck.

There are two basic types of depression the one we all get when something goes wrong or something breaks and we feel fed up, and clinical depression which is more deep seated based on aspects of our or others personel lives.

Either one give the lady space and let her elaborate further, be there to listen, and perhaps a box of choccholates or a meal out.

If she is owt like my ex* then walk away now while you can, that's if she is anything like my ex. If she isn't then the advice above is a good starting point.

*suffered with depression but was a nasty hateful person during her "episodes".

My dad had depression for many years ...
Walk - there are other people out there ready to commit to a relationship

If you want to see her again and progress things further, and you aren't put off by this...

Let her know that's what's you are thinking.

Also let her know you are there if she needs anything, and just let you know.

No pressure, just that simple message.

Then you will just have to see what happens.

My dad had depression for many years ...
Walk - there are other people out there ready to commit to a relationship

People with depression(myself included) need empathy and understanding, it's a condition. Don't just walk. People with depression are still people... It doesn't mean they aren't ready to commit to a relationship.

Thanks guys, I don't intend to walk away, I think she's worth more than that!

[quote=nealglover ]If you want to see her again and progress things further, and you aren't put off by this...

Letting her know you aren't put off by this is one of the best things you can do - if it was me I'd be kind of expecting never to hear again from somebody I'd told that.

Tell her to pull herself together and shake herself out of it, and remember to tell her that she has nothing to be depressed about. That should work a treat....

Walk - there are other people out there ready to commit to a relationship

If I had adopted this mantra I would have missed out on the second best thing in my life.

Somethings are worth working on.

Good luck OP.

Just think of depression as one of those things we may have, at some time, like an illness, cancer,mental health problems, a disibility , amputation etc etc, its the person you love thats still that person,not some label you or they have attached to their condition.

Remember that depression is an illness, and a personal one at that. She will understand her triggers, and symptoms much better than anyone on here.

Let her guide you in how much time she wants with you, and how much support she wants, but also remember that she's probably confused and worried that you'll do a runner now she's told you. Re-enforce that you're not planning on legging it just yet!

Good luck to the both of you 🙂

Thanks guys, I don't intend to walk away, I think she's worth more than that!

Make sure she knows that.

And then give her some space if that's what she needs.

In time she may rely on you for help when she's struggling, but maybe now isn't the time for that.

As long as she knows you are there, that's what matters at the moment.

My dad had depression for many years ...
Walk - there are other people out there ready to commit to a relationship

Wow.

mrmoofo - Member

My dad had depression for many years ...
Walk - there are other people out there ready to commit to a relationship

Sorry, but that's the worst thing I've ever read on here 🙁

Rockhopper - Member

Thanks guys, I don't intend to walk away, I think she's worth more than that!

Cheers Rockhopper! Faith in humanity restored. Echo the positive sentiments posted already and I really hope things work out for you both.

OP in her message replace depression with migraines or nosebleeds or whatever, then behave exactly as you would in that situation. Ask, listen, understand but don't try to cure.

nealglover - Member

Make sure she knows that.

+1. Lots of people try and help, which is awesome but, ime, generally completely unhelpful and you end up feeling like a **** for not being helped. But the people who say "OK, you are depressed, I am still here" and just get on with things and are still with you- they're the ones that keep the world upright.

IMO of course. Depression's like religion, it's not so much something you do as something that's part of you. The very most important people are there for all of you not just the bits of you they like.

Also, TTIUWP.

Good advice here. Well done folks.

Wow I have to say I'm flabbergasted that 90% of the replies are brilliant and not the usual tosh!!

Echo the above really, thank her for telling you as she didn't have to be so open. You can't solve everything and I think that's a hard realisation to take on board when it's someone you care about. Sometimes we say we're okay when you ask because frankly we don't want to explain yet again what the matter is and that we're in a bad place but you'll learn to spot the signs and learn to ride the quietness and show you're there and understand in a way only you can. We will no doubt all suffer it at one time or more in our lives so it's nothing to be ashamed of or run away from.

mrmoofo - Member
My dad had depression for many years ...
Walk - there are other people out there ready to commit to a relationship

Sorry, but that's the worst thing I've ever read on here

Don't be so quick to judge. Dealing with someone who is properly clinically depressed is **** hard. It's easily the hardest thing I've ever done.

OP: it sounds like your heart is in the right place, so fair play to you. Don't expect an easy time of it, best of luck.

I have episodes of depression and anxiety. I wouldn't wish me on my worst enemy let alone those I love. Maybe I have a skewed perspective but I reckon you're better off looking elsewhere.

OP, have you met this girl yet? She's told you the score. Fair plays to her. That is a very brave thing to do. She seems to be under control of her illness so I cannot see a problem.
Everything will be fine.
Some interesting comments here.
EDIT :I have ultra rapid cycling Bipolar disorder and manage to have a fantastic relationship with a wonderful woman,

A bit twee, but there's some real gems in there.
[url= http://bzfd.it/18DUqKe ]buzzfeed comics about depression[/url]
There's also a great one about someone offering to build a nest for their friend with depression and climbing into it with them but I can't seem to find it at the moment.
Hang in there.

alarm bells ringing for me im afraid..

ask yourself why she's single?

(sorry, two marriages, one of which to a manipulating, lying, psycho bitch makes me cynical)

Sorry, but that's the worst thing I've ever read on here

Is it really - then I doubt you have seen depression in action TBH

I was was beaten, ignored , humiliated and made to feel a tad worthless by an man with a "condition"

He was very selfish - he blamed everyone else. It was never his fault

How about you? 🙄

Depression is an illness the same as diabetes is an illness.
People go oh my god, [b]MENTAL WOMAN AVOID[/b] but diabetes is poor woman, I hope her insulin is ok.
What is this stigma many have for mental health?

[quote=mrmoofo ]I was was beaten, ignored , humiliated and made to feel a tad worthless by an man with a "condition"
He was very selfish - he blamed everyone else. It was never his fault
How about you?

I have depression, and haven't done any of those things. Sure he had issues, but something other than depression.

Depression is an illness the same as diabetes is an illness.
People go oh my god, MENTAL WOMAN AVOID but diabetes is poor woman, I hope her insulin is ok.
What is this stigma many have for mental health?

Alcoholism and drug dependancy are all illnesses - would you advise someone with a choice to go down a miserable pathway of life ...

My dad was my dad - we got on later in life. But I never trusted him. It is vastly different if you are already in a relationship, or family etc.
Other family members are depressed , we try and help. But it is a long way from being enjoyable ..

I have depression, and haven't done any of those things. Sure he had issues, but something other than depression.

Fine - whoopy do for you. It is great you are a nicer person than my dad...
But yes, he had depression - professionally diagnosed.

It obviously frustrated him enormously - but he took it out on his family
I understand he was ill . It didn't make it better

Alcoholism and drug dependancy are all illnesses - would you advise someone with a choice to go down a miserable pathway of life ...

Eh?

My dad was my dad - we got on later in life. But I never trusted him. It is vastly different if you are already in a relationship, or family etc.

So you didn't get on. And?

My sister is depressed - and we are doing all we can to help. But it is a long way from being enjoyable ..

I'm glad you're helping her. I hope she has the adequate help and treatment.

depression is like religion

That's the biggest pile of pish ever written.

So you didn't get on. And?

Did you actually read what I wrote?
I have said my piece .

Bye

[quote=mrmoofo ]It is great you are a nicer person than my dad...

The chances are the OP's lady is as well. Most people with depression don't go round beating other people, just as plenty of people without depression do. As far as I know there is no link between being depressed and being nasty - the OP is just as likely to meet a psycho bitch who hides it well but isn't depressed, and to be honest actually admitting the depression is a damn good sign that she's self-aware and not going to be a complete nightmare.

That's my last on this subject, the OP's thread doesn't deserve to be derailed any more as he also seems a very decent chap.

I was writing when you responded.
I hear what you're saying and sympathise.
I would however think that seeing as you have personal experience you might understand this illness a little bit better.

I don't think anyone should hold mrmoofo's lack of objectivity against him, it couldn't be more understandable, that's a terrible thing to happen. But it's not very useful.

Nobeerinthefridge - Member

That's the biggest pile of pish ever written.

If you quote half the line and take it completely out of context, sure. So, you know, don't do that.

Yes I've met her (twice, once for dinner). She's just a normal lass who's into motorbikes, single, no kids etc so perfect for me. I'm 48 and I've been single for over twenty years - no real reason other that the right person hasn't come along yet.

The thing I didn't want to say was pull yourself together and crack on (even though that's what I might be thinking!).
I'd imagine that giving her things took forward to might be the way to go such as weekends away or going to a concert and so on. Its difficult at the moment as she's not really responding much and I don't want to pester her.
All the info so far has been really helpful so thanks very much.

OP, Good on you. She sounds like the perfect woman. When she feels a bit down don't pressure her.
Good luck. Everything will be fine.

This is a hard one on the basis that people react in different ways.

I have lived and looked after my mother who has had extreme bouts of depression. I have looked after her through a mental and physical breakdown, having to hide car keys so she dosent go and crash her car delibrately and lock all the knives in the garage so she dosent do something stupid.

I have also been out with women who have had depression and I myself have had it. You have to judge who you are; can you emotional detach to a point this will not affect you? Do you have a strong support network? Does she? Is she getting treatment? How serious is it? These are the questions I would want to know however asking her these will seem insensitive, disrespectful and judgemental at this early stage.

For me I would unfortunately leave it based on how I have dealt with similar things in the past and wanting to know the above. It says more about me than the other people I know but if you really like her go for it 🙂 I am also younger, have not got the life experience you do and things are still a bit fresh with my mum so I cant answer fairly.

Depression can vary with how long an episode can last. She appears to understand her own and hopes to be back on track soon. IMO it's when she is feeling better she will be able to look at future plans. Until then it would be day by day.
To most of the nay sayers, as has been said it is an illness. You would have a pretty lonely life if you only wanted to be will someone well.

As somebody who 'sees' the effects of mental illness on people who care, I'd highly recommend staying well away if you can.

I have what's classed as a severe mental illness.
Me and mrs iolo are very happy. I know my triggers, she knows how to cope with me. OP, it's not going to be easy but is any relationship?

You are not the only person with this illness Iolo. Different perspectives and different experiences.
You know your triggers? Good for you.
Sadly, other sufferers don't have tangible 'triggers' and their family especially, really struggle to cope.
My advice is and always will be stay away if you can.

My advice would be the same as monksie, dangerousbeans and mrmoofo. If you decide to crack on anyway, I would only say don't make the mistake of thinking you can reason with the darkness. Seek proper treatment.

See if she wants to go for a bike ride. Exercise is good when you're depressed due to the release of endorphins. Also just getting out and doing anything is good basically, as it stops you from self-imploding through downward negative thought spiral.

OP, as someone who has suffered depression I would say consider this carefully. New relationships can be hard. If the other person is ill it is harder. Are you able and willing to make that level of commitment? Sure its early days in your relationship and you weren't asking should I commit to a lifelong relationship but if you end up bailing because you can't cope with her problems that could have a more significant effect than on an otherwise healthy person.

Good advice here

http://www.depressionalliance.org/information/advice-family-and-friends

To be fair to mrmoofo: I have lived with MrAdamW for 19 years. He suffers from depression and is on strong meds. Because of this (and his emotionally abusive father) he is constantly angry with the world. He has lost two decent-paid jobs because of his depression/anxiety and is now unemployed and I can't see him getting another job. He refuses to go to the job centre as it is humiliating. Hence I carry us financially and am constantly concerned about what happens to him if something happens to me.

Because of the depression he doesn't do that much apart from browse the web. As a result I not only earn our bread I also do the cleaning (though he does the ironing :D), shopping and most of the meals. He'll sometimes mow the lawns and looks after our dog.

While I do love him if someone had told me about this situation 20 years ago I would strongly consider walking away before it starts. Living with someone with depression is a minefield as you're constantly walking on eggshells waiting for the next bomb to drop. You have to look after yourself with vigilance as living with someone with depression can affect you badly so that you start to slip into it yourself, as you're constantly barraged with negativity.

rockhopper: I can't obviously say what's right for you. If the lady is wonderful go for it but make sure you give yourself enough space to decompress. Look after yourself as a priority, only that way can you help her/be there for her.

is she actually clinically diagnoised with depression and taking meds and getting help or is she just a sad sac?

I personally wouldn't have a relationship with anyone like what you describe. Its just too much emotional effort for me.

To be fair to mrmoofo: I have lived with MrAdamW for 19 years. He suffers from depression and is on strong meds. Because of this (and his emotionally abusive father) he is constantly angry with the world. He has lost two decent-paid jobs because of his depression/anxiety and is now unemployed and I can't see him getting another job. He refuses to go to the job centre as it is humiliating. Hence I carry us financially and am constantly concerned about what happens to him if something happens to me.

Because of the depression he doesn't do that much apart from browse the web. As a result I not only earn our bread I also do the cleaning (though he does the ironing :D), shopping and most of the meals. He'll sometimes mow the lawns and looks after our dog.

Bit like that in a lot of families, someone looses their job, goes into themselves and the other partner has to struggle to cope, its tough, but if there is love there some how you stick together

I know nothing more about it than she said in that text message and I don't really know her well enough to ask about it just yet. She was perfectly normal when I've met her so I don't think it'll be like dating an axe murderer or anything 🙂

She has a good job that she's been in for years (civil servant)so that sounds positive.

I am surprised about the number of people who have said to walk away though.

If you quote half the line and take it completely out of context, sure. So, you know, don't do that.

Nope, sorry. Religion is a choice, and so nothing like depression at all.

I am surprised about the number of people who have said to walk away though.

Unfortunately it reflects most of society's attitude to mental health issues.

I am surprised about the number of people who have said to walk away though

Lots of people dont understand that mental health is a problem and an illness, tell someone youve broken your leg and everyone ask show, when etc, tell someone youre depressedand they may well walk away.

But then any of us can suffer from a broken leg same with depression.

If you want an appreciation of how people with depression and those around them feel I'd recommend looking at the Black Dog books by Matthew Johnstone.

Depression is awful to live with and you can't expect yourself to get things right all the time around sufferers.
Just let them know that you are there for them when they need.

All those who are saying walk away, have a word with yourselves. Quite frankly your views are not helpful in the slightest. A relationship will be stronger if you both work together during recovery.

Good luck OP. Thoughts are with you both.

I doubt you have seen depression in action TBH

[s]**** off!!!![/s] Speechless!

Cheers people for all the positive posts . . . and for the others, see above!

if you think you can fix it with a planned weekend away or going to a concert..... you have no idea what you are potentially dealing with.

walk.

I shouldnt need to share my qualifications. As ive been posting on STW for something like 10yrs, search.

Northwind - it is a difficult subject to be objective about. I think many with depression see themselves as an island, with no hope. And a somewhat strange assumption that everyone else is having a much better time.
But it is not a victimless illness - my mother died very young at 54, with a whole load of stress related illnesses and general bad health. All of us, as their children children have inherited a complete lack of self confidence...

I have no doubt that they did the best that they could do to raise us. My mother stuck by the old goat. In later life I had a great relationship with my father. But never as a father and son - it was on a friends basis ...

So please, if you have depression, or think you might have depression , seek professional help as soon as possible. And don't take it out on your nearest and dearest ... they really don't deserve it

Just understand that when The Black Dog arrives - everyone else has to look after the Black Dog, or suffer the consequences

It must be awful to suffer from depression, and be standing on the side of the black abyss. But I have been there as well, but without the opportunity to make it better !

Anyway, about the OP's chick ...
See what happens - the really weird ones can be incredible .... 😉

As an aside an interesting book regarding this is "Depression Fallout" which was written to help the people who live with sufferers of depression.

Depression is an awful disease but unfortunately it touches all those who are in close contact with the sufferer: you wonder what you have done wrong, whether the person still loves you, anger, fear, etc. I have found this book to be helpful.

Rockhopper - Just be patient for now, don't try to make plans now, it's very unlikely to register in the positive way that you are hoping. Let her know you are still around and deal with it when she is more responsive.

Mrmoofo - Sounds like you could do with a bit of help yourself there. Have you spoken to a doctor about this?

Hi Neil,
Thanks for asking - nah, I am absolutely fine. I broke out of the shackles of all the things my parents did wrong a long time ago. They did their best, they meant well, but they were dealing with all the curved balls as well
I have had many years to mould my life and **** it up myself! 😆
I have come out of it fine - 21 years of marriage, successful in a job ( bait with a little red devil on my shoulder always telling me I'm not good enough)
I am in a Zen like state about where I am.

I know it is harsh, but I just wouldn't want to hang out with the depressed dudes (and I know that the don't either). It makes me very uncomfortable
But if they are my flesh and blood - then I have to help.

Good luck to you, enjoy the ride.

Sorry mrmoofo, I guess your earlier reply hit a nerve - glad you've come out the other side and sorry to hear about the difficulties you've had to deal with. I am a firm believer in 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' . . . all experiences, good and bad, shape us as a person and will always be there to draw on in the future. All the best!

Unfortunately it reflects most of society's attitude to mental health issues

or it reflects people's experiences with mental health issues which is why I replied. if I had no experience of it I would have not said anything.

Changed my mind

Nope, sorry. Religion is a choice, and so nothing like depression at all.

I refer you to the Jesuits thoughts about this. It's not always a "choice".

Sneaky edit to remove line and insert thoughts.

Nobeerinthefridge - Member

Nope, sorry. Religion is a choice, and so nothing like depression at all.

Except in the context which I gave. Which you're still ignoring. So... what?

When I have a depressive episode I normally withdraw, go cold and do not think or act rationally. When I come out of it then I normally feel like the person that was depressed is a completely different person to the real me. Afterwards I just like to be treated as nothing has happened TBH

People are different. Unfortunately, not everyone is confident, carefree and has the natural 'bounce' some people do. I am the type of person that given too much stress from someone close, I will take that on and cannot disconnect. Because of this, I know that entering into a relationship with someone who is diagnosed with depression would be a ticking timebomb. Id sink with the ship.

However, lots of people are not like this. If you like her, and shes feeling low there may be a logical explanation instead of being someone who regularly suffers depression. As the OP said he does not know the extent of it. Give it a go, be honest with yourself if you have to walk away.

Interesting read this one, I has prompted me to think quite a bit especially with regard to myself.

I have anxiety disorder resulting in depression and OCD, this is caused by a number of things; brain chemistry, genetic predisposition and environmental factors. It's something that has only been formally diagnosed in the last year, but looking back I believe I have been affected by this much of my adult life. I know that I am not an easy person to live with, but I truly appreciate the love and ongoing support of my wife and family, without it I am not certain I would be here today.

I am working through it, I was taking Sertraline which is a Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor (SSRI) but it made my face numb. I am now taking Venlafaxine which is a Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor (SNRI). In addition to this I am also undertaking Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to develop coping strategies.

The medication, whilst I was against it initially (thinking I could sort myself out) has been invaluable in getting to a place where I can think clearly. The CBT has been equally as important by providing a safe environment to challenge my negative thoughts. I have other things that help, exercise, music and the outdoors. Despite this, I have good days and bad days.

What I will say is that when I am low, withdrawn or simply unable to cope I behave in a frightened irrational manner. Thankfully this happens less now thanks to the above treatment and support, but I am unsure if it will ever go away fully. At the very least I am now in a position to openly acknowledge my difficulties, and show my appreciate for those who continue to love and support me.