[Closed] Dealing with a breakup.

Well I got a text from her last night and we talked for a good bit. I told her how some things, as she did, and she will talk again to me tonight.

Hope you don't mind me contributing to this thread. It is a bad time of year to go through a breakup and my 2013 has been overshadowed by a breakup from my girlfriend of 7 years. Met her at university and she was my first long term girlfriend. We both work together and in April 2013 she left me for someone at work. I'm currently on a development programme at work and still don't know where my head is.

Obviously there were issues in our relationship and we both have regrets but it is what it is. We own a house together I'm currently living with my parents which isn't ideal, neither is working at the same place.

It has made me question everything and I've probably been massively depressed since, however due to the support of friends and family I'm getting by.

I don't want to hijack the thread but until you go through something like this, its probably not possible to understand. I spent the first month throwing up and lost about 2 stone.

It does get easier. I try to keep myself busy but its still a massive part of my life at the moment. It will get easier but it will probably take some time. Just talk to people who you can trust and will listen.

Thanks for the post, all welcome.

Strangely I have lost 8lb's since Christmas. And I'm 6 2" now weighing 12st 1lb. I thinking worrying and stress is a great way to loose weight 😉

It must be hard working in the same place and seeing her then?

Oh yeah it is not good, but I've been feeling sorry for myself for too long.

The hardest part is imagining your life without that person in it. I forgot what it was like to focus on things other than a relationship. But just keep posting and talking and whatever happens, it will eventually work its way out. Grieving just takes time and its probably still shock at the moment.

Hi all,

So it's pretty much been 2 weeks now. I'm still feeling very low although the initial shock has died off. Late on Friday night I got a message from her to say that her uncle had taken his own life. She just wanted to talk to me to help her. I really wish I could be there for her and her family and knowing that I'm not is making me feel worse.

I did manage to get out on my bike over the weekend, but even on the climbs I can't get her out of my head.

just because you're not with her doesn't mean you can't offer other members of her family support if you have a friendship with them that is outside of being her boyfriend?

In terms of you offering her support. I think it's difficult being at her 'beck and call' as soon as she's feeling low - it gives you hope that there's a relationship there and stops you moving on - because it'll always be on her terms.

Well I was very close to her parents. I sent her mother a text offering my condolences and I'll send a card of course.

It's just so bloody hard.

Nobody said it would be easy. As said above you need to be careful being at her beck and call. To be fair it's a rather difficult situation you're in. Just be mindful not to let your needs get overshadowed by hers. As shit a situation as it is, these are not a good set of circumstances to pin your hopes on. Sorry.

No, I wasn't pining hopes on it at all. I was just saying that she came to me to talk and about a really rubbish situation and in doing so makes me think about her even more. It's delaying the healing process.

I have my next CBT session on Thursday.

I get what you mean, was in a similar situation with my split. You want to be supportive for her and her family. Don't know how close you were with her parents etc but the good and human thing to do is to be there to support.

This is all well and good when you have the strength to do so. I'm with @toppers3933, you can only support others when you have the strength to do so. Sometimes you have to just look after yourself, this is not selfish, its self preservation. How can you be there for people when you're barely able to keep yourself going, it takes so much energy.

To me it's a little unfair of your ex to split with you and then rely on you for emotional support, its all part of the package IMO. This is another way that your ex is still in your life at a time that its very difficult for you.

My advice (though you didn't ask for it....) would be offer your condolances in whatever way you feel appropriate and step back and get on with fixing yourself.

Do not feel bad about looking after Number 1, do not beat yourself up you can't do more. It's not your fault you feel this way. Be patient and kind to yourself things will come together.

Thanks madjak.

Yea, I know that I need to be looking after myself, and to some degree I am. But all of this still means I am connected to her.

Anyway, someone in the thread mentioned that they liked to maybe just go and sit in a cafe, just to be with people. I did it last night and actually it was nice to just sit and be, and do some people watching. Granted it didn't always help that it was happy looking couples, but it was certainly better than sitting in the house. Also gave me a chance to try out my new headphones I bought myself.

You can't be looking out for her emotional needs by damaging yourself.
It sounds harsh but you NEED to pull away from her in order to heal yourself.
I split from my fiancee 5rs ago, we'd been together 9yrs and planning marriage. I came very close (to the point of standing in the garage with a rope in my hand) to topping myself but managed to pull through.
One way was to delete her numbers, block her on social media and withdraw from those who were close to her. I needed time and space to heal myself, you do too.

You must create the space or you will destroy yourself and become a very unattractive person who in turn people won't want to support. Send condolences but don't go beyond that or it will suck you in. I wouldn't go to funeral etc as it will be compounding everything. Grim situation and air of subconscious tension/hope between you. Sorry but keep distance or things won't improve for you as a person.

I have done all the basics already, Facebook, texts/emails etc. I am moving on, my feelings are constantly changing and I'm starting to get used to being on my own. I have had great support from many directions including here.

I didn't offer to go to the funeral, however I did send a card and sent a text to her mum offering my condolences. I was close to her family. I was not close to any of her friends, so there is no worry about that end of it.

Good start. Keep that distance. Riding this week?

Yea, hoping to get a night ride in tomorrow night. I'm away to London this coming weekend to see Arsenal play too. Got a core class tonight and then football training on Thursday.

this coming weekend to see Arsenal play too.

Aren't you supposed to be dealing with the depression, not making it worse ?

Haha, yes I've had to up the meds for a few days 😉

Really struggling today. Don't want to be in work, don't really want to be anywhere at the minute. Had an okay time in London over the weekend, but just wasn't really comfortable with being there.

8pm start tonight on the gold coast if you fancy it.

Women are attracted to someone who is happy with his lot.

Here are two more (cynical) sayings for you.

Women are like monkeys, they wont let go of one branch until they have hold of another

Once a womans head has been turned, only a spade will turn it back.

Women are like monkeys, they wont let go of one branch until they have hold of another

So, you're suggesting someone else is involved?

No- I've seen this line somewhere else. From a couple of girls I know- it was true in their case.

Well things have taken a turn for the worse. I had to go to the doctors yesterday and I have been signed off work for a week. I keep getting horrible thoughts and feelings and I found out that she is heading off on a skiing holiday at the beginning of next month. It rips me up inside thinking that she could meet someone else at some point and be with another man. I have almost had a few panic attacks but managed to just about cope. The doctor has told me to make use of my time when I'm off so I am shortly heading out for a walk and taking the camera with me.

[i]she is heading off on a skiing holiday at the beginning of next month[/i]

It does sound like your relationship is over and you need to try and accept it.

Doctors advice to get out and *do* stuff is good - you need to break the cycle of thought that you are in.

I won;t say 'chin up' because it sounds trite but you should start looking forward rather than back, maybe?

Be the big man. Be grateful she's gone and hope for all the best for her - positive thinking. Positive thinking. If you ever loved her, why wouldn't you want her to be as happy as possible. Positive thinking.

Women are like monkeys, they wont let go of one branch until they have hold of another

Once a womans head has been turned, only a spade will turn it back.

Do shut up Hora. I know you think you're trying to help but wtaf?!

I do genuinely hope she is happy and has a great holiday. She loved skiing and spent over a year in Whistler and has skied around Europe. We had planned to do it together at some point.

It really is so hard trying to be positive.

Do shut up Hora

In this case a good point.

St Colin, I can't offer any better advice than already given. I can tell you that in time you won't care what your ex is doing or who she may be doing it with. You really won't think about her at all. Avoid contact, keep going out, spend as much time as you can with good people and this painful time will pass - honestly it will.

Take care chap.

Jay

Watch The Inbetweeners movie.

Take cues from there 🙂

Please, St Colin - organise something for yourself that you can look forward to.

In my experience of depression you need to have something positive to look forward to. Even if it's something small, but on a weekly basis, like going for a curry with your mates, riding your bike at a trail centre you've never ridden before, sorting a riding holiday etc. It's easy for me to look in from outside, but my experience of negative thoughts are that they only breed more negative thoughts. Do something for yourself.

I know and accept its not easy breaking up and not easy having depression, double whammy really but you wont get better with any amount of rumination or naval gazing.

I can't go into why in at the moment but just trust me the human body is designed to be used (in my case quite hard, you'll know your level) so get out an use it. Burn off the Adrenaline and Cortisone surging through your system.

Exercise is key so go and do something, can't ride? Cant go out? Then pushups and dips on the stairs. No excuses, just crack on with it.

And for your own sake stop yourself thinking about her by planning your time as already mentioned, when your brain moves back on to the subject mentally tweak yourself.

Oh and look up Mindfulness on the interweb, it will help.

Take care,

You have 2 normal issues - you can't cope with the split and your imagination is running wild.

You have to go through the mental pain, but accept it and work around it so you dont let it dominate you like it is. Imagination works both ways - if she thinks you are having a great time, she will be thinking the same and may come back. Cut out the I miss you bit and instead tell her of the great stuff you have going on, would she like to join in.

You have a week off work - this could be best or worst. Sit at home moping or use the time to make yourself get out and things that you wont feel like doing but will bring up your endorphins, make you feel hopeful about life and happier about things generally

Either way, if you get out there you will either get here back or be in a much better place to find someone else.

Had a horrible night last night, been up from 4am worried sick. Just can't get the scenario of her being with someone else out of my head, to the point were I couldn't eat breakfast.

I did however make it out on the bike and installed my new Mudhugger.

Sorry for updating this randomly, but the replies help.

I feel your pain. My girlfriend broke up with me 2 days before Christmas and I'm still struggling now.

You've got to believe that things will get better and time will heal a broken heart. Get yourself out in the world, do things with friends (make the effort) and try to have fun. If posting on here helps then do it but don't over think things, you were happy before and you WILL be happy again.

Sorry to hear that ranger.

Sounds like you are staying positive. At least I have lots of this to look forward to now....

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When I split up with my long term girlfriend, which also involved moving out of our shared house I was a mess. All of the advice already given seems good, I planned a holiday for myself, and each week I bought something small that I would take with me.

When I got bad and my imagination ran wild, I would repeat to myself the names of all those people who I know loved and cared about me. It sounds really cheesy, but it seemed to help calm me down and realise that just because one person didn't love me, other people who were really important to me still did.

I didn't meet anyone serious for about two years after we split up, but looking back, I am glad the way that time forced me to actually start enjoying things for myself, and not always thinking about the other person.

Feel free to ignore

Perfectly valid point Phil. Everybody has chipped in with their thoughts, yours is just as important.

Oh Dear Colin.

Was in a similar - ish situation to you a few years ago.

I think Madjak has it - get involved and get DOING stuff. Activity is the key - work activity into everything you do - you have to eat, so enrich your life by learning some kick arse recipes. Riding bikes? yup - that's grand, but do it WITH people. Widen your horizons, learn something new. it's weird, but having not played football since school, I started a regular 5 a side thing, and being around some other folk really helped.

Biking is great, but I found during my, erm, darker days, that I rode lots, and despite getting fitter, also ended up still lonely.

Finally, I'd say chat to a friend, over a beer, in person. STW is a lovely place, with some great folk, but it's not a substitute for real chat with real people. Again, when I was down, the thing that started me getting happy again was going out and actually talking to my friends.

You will feel better in time, it's all anecdotal, but 3 years on from a breakup of my own doing, I'm getting married to my beautiful girl and have a baby on the way (2 weeks to go). And that was after royally screwing up, of my own volition. You'll be alright 😉

I had a tough time a few years back after a breakup. It was made worse by the resultant loneliness. As soon as I made new friends by joining a darts team, I quickly got out of it.

Several years back I went through a nasty break up, we'd been together 2 years, she was my first 'proper' girlfriend. And it turned out that she'd been grabbing onto several branches before letting go of mine! It felt like she'd strung me along for ages before floating off to someone else without a care in the world, without even having the decency to tell me what had happened.

It hurt, it was sh*t, I was convinced it must have been my fault, there was something wrong with me, etc. And like you, I'd get that horrible swirling in the pit of my stomach when my brain said "she's with someone else you know", thanks Brain!

But, I met a friend of a friend who was about to go away travelling. So I thought, "you know what, I might do that". I was plodding along in my comfort zone which gave me lots of time to think about things that I shouldn't have bothered myself with (her, basically), and doing something, really *doing something* would mean I had something to focus on.

So I decided to ask for a couple of months off work (I felt that I *had* to do it, so I'd convinced myself to call my bosses bluff. If he asked what I'd do if he said no, then I'd tell him I'd quit and do it anyway). As it happens they agreed to it.

So I had 8 weeks in south east asia, in the time between asking for the time off and leaving I was so busy with sorting visas, passports, packing lists, accomodation, flights and generally researching and planning the trip that I found myself thinking about what had happened less and less.

And then I ended up in the departures lounge of heathrow, shi**ing myself at the thought of flying to the other side of the world completely on my own, having only been as far as Mallorca in the past! 😆 But I did it, I got there and then it was all about the experience, I wasn't scared, I didn't regret a single second of it. If I'm honest I'd got a bit of a "don't let the b**ch grind you down" mentality. I WAS going to watch the sun go down on the beach of a tiny Thai island. I WAS going to see Angkor Wat etc etc, and nothing she'd done or could do was going to stop me, all the sh*t she'd done hadn't beaten me, it had made me stronger. She's does something horrible to me, so I make a choice to make my life better.

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And I realised, "I'm alright". And then I met someone else, and 3 years on things are pretty good. I wish things hadn't gone the way they did, but I wouldn't be where I am now.

We've (virtually) all been there, people breakup, then they meet someone else. You both will. She's less upset by it because she knew it was coming. She's got rid of something that she didn't necessarily want to get rid of, but she knew she couldn't keep, and she's done it when she wanted to. You've lost something you wanted, and lost it when she wanted to end it, not when you did. It's always going to be tougher for you. But you'll be okay. Keep busy. Do something different. Think of a sport/hobby, try to find a local group that does it, it'll keep you busy and you'll meet people. Or plan an adventure, do something scary, something that you've had rattling around in the back of your brain but have never had the chance/balls to do. I hear South America is lovely.... 😉

No words here can make you not feel that way bud, only time would heal that...only time. Just let yourself grieve, you will come around eventually and it doesnt matter when... I know its really painful even comparable to someone just nicked your bike while you're in the toilet of your local trail centre on a saturday when there are many riders around and nobody notice. ... Activities does help as everybody said..bcoz you cannot think sad and smash that techy downhill section of your local trail centre at the same time, or riding that big hill and be sad..it just wont work..so there you are 3-4 hours of not thinkng about it for a while.. Its for you to fill those other hours..but don't forget to grieve..it is part of healing. .. So You look after yourself now. 😉 .. Remember again, time heals everything.

Without getting all Facebook about it, I <3 Bails' post.

Self reliance, positive thinking and leaving people, places and things better than you found them - three good rules to live by, taught to me my an amazing man.

Oh, and don't fall into the abyss of self pity.

I forgot.. I might add, the next time around.. Always remember.. In a relationship there is only 1 parachute. No matter what everybody says.

St Colin.

Went through the same thing 21 years ago, made redundant at the start of January, three weeks later fiance (wedding scheduled for 18 months later) decides to move home to her folks as things aren't working. We had bought a place together (they were a lot cheaper then, 2.5 times combined salary).

We had a couple of dates, after a few months I moved out and let her take the place over.

Then she began seeing one of our friends, a married guy who left his wife & daughter for her. At that point I knew it was for the best, I was a little bitter for about 12 months, after all while we were supposedly working things out, I'd been on a 24 hour endurance event with him and poured my heart out to him.

I had a few cheap and meaningless flings, then met my wife a couple of years later. We met & married inside 13 months, it worked and we worked harder at it because we were married. I knew this was right when she agreed that a trip to the Alps with my friends would be acceptable a month before the wedding. (That's not to say that marriage is always the answer, my brother married his long term GF after 9 years together and they didn't see out another year, however he did the same thing a couple of flings and has now settled down with an absolute sweetheart). I've now got 2 kids, been married for almost 17 years & everything seems OK but who knows what's around the corner?

My ex and friend married, had 2 kids, but sadly he died last year. I wished them no ill, way I looked it at (after a little time) was that I'd had a lucky escape. She'd had the bottle to say it wasn't working for her (I was a bloke, I'd get some now and again, so the relationship was OK in my book). I also learnt that you can't trust ALL your friends.

Carpe diem, seize the day my friend and make the most of the new opportunities open to you.

Hi all. Well time is doing it's best at the moment.

I had been signed off work for a week, just back today, and I think I have come along way. Feeling much more positive, and I am getting stuck into using my spare time well. My fitness has actually come on since Christmas which is giving me some confidence back.

I can't thank you all enough, it's amazing what a bunch of strangers can do for you. Faith in humanity has been restored on several occasions.

Good stuff. Stay positive, get on with doing stuff you enjoy 🙂

*thumbs up*

keep going with the activities that make you feel positive now you're back at work.

Well done st_colin. Keep going with the good work, fitness really will help, mentally and physically.

😀

Its putting all the bits of the jigsaw puzzle together that make you feel better but you'll have to find them first - but you've already started!

You need your friends and your family stay in touch, keep active, plan for the future and has been said it grieve. Your brain treats a failed relationship like a sort of death so the process will take a while.

Good that your seeing things more positively, it's a great opportunity to not only get back to where you were but make life better for yourself. Have some cool adventures and find out what you really want from life and your next relationship. That will all come when your ready.

Fitness is also a great way to feel good, happy times ahead!

I promise you that time will sort everything.

3 years ago I found out that my ex had been having an affair. Ultimately, I moved out (have 2 kids too who still live with their Mum). She moved her new man in - ouch at the time!

I spent a year with no real direction, did lots of stupid things and 'had a laugh' and meaningless encounters. None of it made me any happier, but it passed the time.

Then one day, I realised that I felt that I had turned a corner. I felt happy with me and started to realise that I had some great things in life.

Wasn't looking to meet anyone, but once I had decided that I didn't need to meet someone...I met someone. Our relationship is everything that I always wanted from a relationship, like properly head over heals.

Looking back, even though the split tore me apart at the time, I can now see that we were never really that happy and that there was always such pressure on me from her - nothing ever seemed good enough.

It will take a while, but I promise, time will cure all the pain. Keep yourself busy in the meantime and take time to remind yourself if the positive things in life.

Keep moving forwards.

Stu.

it's amazing what a bunch of strangers can do for you.

*jokey arm punch* 😀

*sees faith in humanity restored a bit*

Quite apart from the various niche faction wars on here, it's things like this that make me glad I come one here.

St. Colin, I'm really glad things are getting bette for you. Keep getting better, keep being positive!

Well as thought things have taken a turn for the worse.

The last few days have been awful. My ex has been in my head constantly. Whilst I have moved on in terms of accepting it is over and whatever, I just can't stop thinking about her and how great she was. I need to let go but I can't. How can I?

I don't know if I can keep going, it's just so painful for me.

how great she was

She wasn't that great, she's broken your heart hasn't she? In fact, I'd say that makes her a right b***h. I think you need to talk to someone Colin, can you get referred from your GP for some talking therapy?

I have a CBT session tomorrow morning. But talking about this isn't anything to do with CBT.

CBT should help you deal with the thoughts - good luck.

I'm with woody2000 - if she was *that* great you wouldn't feel like you do now.

Focus on the things she used to do that irritated you...

Strangely I have been trying to think of the negatives, but the positives take over.

I haven't exercised in a couple of days either, I know I should try and get out tonight.

I think if you've accepted that its over then you've made a big step.

You're bound to have good days and bad days but try to get out there and do things with other people.

distraction distraction distraction

but as said above you do get crap days

4.5 yrs on from splitting up with my wife I can sometimes spend hours idealising about her

not good - you just let the thoughts go round and round then they go

or she picks / drops our son off and reverts to type and I say "ah that's why"

no going back !

I guess you see what you have "lost" about her. But ask yourself if you ever really "have" another person?

The time, love and joy that people give is a gift and not a lifelong obligation. So what she gave you, you will always have. In time you will value that, without the regret and bitterness you feel now. I can't assure you that all the regret will pass, but what little is left will be bearable and not get in your way.

It's OK, healthy, to be sad and upset when there is cause, but not disproportionately. So try to distinguish between normal grieving activities, and the spiral-like thinking that characterises depression. Be busy and plan to be busy, to bypass the inactivity that allows negative-spiral thinking to emerge. Planning and doing what makes you happy, as often as practical, will make you happy. This is the essence of CBT.

And then you will find that happy people are attractive people.

Good luck

Thanks Buzz.

I do treasure the memories and I try to learn that I should do so. Yes, these feelings that make me anxious are not rational. Thoughts of her being with someone else for example. That is probably the worst of all.

I will try and discuss a plan at CBT in the morning. I have recently dipped my toe back into dating as a distraction which has helped in the very short term but it is just masking everything underneath.

Hi all.

Wasn't sure whether or not updating this would be of interest to anyone. It's now been 3 months for me and things have been good and bad. I still get bad days were I miss her terribly and I have days were everything is going well for me and I can let the thoughts pass by easily. I have been on the dating scene for over a month, however I found this to be a distraction for me initially and I actually felt worse. Nothing has really come of anything so far.

My depression has been difficult. I recently had a very bad spell where I was probably feeling strongest about suicide than I ever have been. My CBT has taken a back seat and my therapist is working on going back over my life to try and help me figure things out. It's been a very tough process.

The positives are that I have managed to stay relatively active, although I have lost touch with my regular riding buddies because I maybe haven't quite been feeling sociable at times.

I guess all in all I have survived and that's the main thing.

Thanks for listening.

one foot in front of the other, keep going!

st colin - Member

although I have lost touch with my regular riding buddies because I maybe haven't quite been feeling sociable at times.

I wouldn't worry too much, when you're ready just speak to them, explain the situation if neccessary, if they're good mates they'll understand, oh, then get them pi$$ed 🙂

It gets better, honest.

One of the guys in the group knows my situation, but I'm not sure that they maybe felt entirely comfortable about it. Hopefully as the weather improves i'll see them more often.

Just get out and join your riding buddies, doesn't matter if they understand or not - importantly, get back to something you previously enjoyed - a positive routine is not a bad thing.

All the best, you have an exciting life ahead of you, you just don't know it yet 🙂

I,m missing someone from my life at the moment so I sort of know how you feel,i,m just doing as above,one foot in front of the other!!! And summer is around the corner so that's a good thing :-).Good luck colin.

Wasn't sure whether or not updating this would be of interest to anyone

St Colin - why do you think they are uncomfortable? Don't forget that you are most likely feeling more sensitive to others too, so if they've had a bad day/wife strife or whatever it be just that. Please try to avoid feeling that people are always reacting to or reading you it won't do you any good.
Chin up buddy! It does get better, having been there and seen that I promise it does get better.

but I'm not sure that they maybe felt entirely comfortable about it

Or they don't want to mither/give you space. I've had a friend in a similar situation- I offered support/said I was there and left it at that as I didn't want him to think I was interfering.

Dating scene/sites would scare me rigid. I imagine there are blokes who don't type 'ugly' like I do and have better looks! I'd be rummaging around the bargain bin of the store if I went on them for sure 😀

I guess I think others maybe know little about depression so they don't know what to say.

I guess I think others maybe know little about depression so they don't know what to say.

Well, hello again. This morning I've decided to update this thread in an attempt to get come clarity on what has been going on.

Recently I have been finding things very difficult. In the last week or so I have moved out of my parents into a rented room not far from where I've been living. I have been seeing a girl for a around a month. So a lot has been happening. But I can't cope with it at the minute. The memories and the feelings from my breakup have been haunting me more and more since I have began seeing this girl. I have felt trapped at home with my parents so I moved out. The location of the new house is great, it's quiet and the house has plenty of space. But I don't feel comfortable there and I've only been there two nights. The house is really dirty too (not students), something that I couldn't really pick up on when I viewed it a week previous.

Anyway, I could go on about everything, but I don't want to bore people. I have lost my place at CBT after missing an appointment and not rebooking. So I don't have any official support.

I really don't know where to turn now. I can't take time off work. I have been putting on a brave face with friends and family, arranging things etc. I'm not in control of my anxiety at all and I don't feel like it's getting better any time soon.

But I don't feel comfortable there and I've only been there two nights.

It won't. It's the shock of the new. Give it time.

The house is really dirty too

Get your Marigolds out then. A few hours mindless busywork will keep you occupied on something constructive. It might make you feel like you've put your stamp on it when you are done, too.

Chin up; it gets better.

I'm not in control of my anxiety at all and I don't feel like it's getting better any time soon

You should see your GP - get the CBT rearranged and see if there is anything else that they can offer to help you regain control.

Yeah, def blitz the house. Something to focus on and will make it feel more like yours.