[Closed] dadsnet - new mums and walking on eggshells

Women are mental so yes normal.

Use your superior male reasoning to calmly and collectively explain to her, in the nicest possible way, that what she is doing is unacceptable.

Then run.

Good excuse to get out and ride your bike as much as possible.

Edit: Our youngest is 26 this week, and I'm not sure it ever gets better the madness just changes.

Women are mental so yes normal.

That really isn't helpful. Stupid man.

Don't suck it up even if it means coming on here like this to talk about it. If you have any other dad's in your social group then talk to them too.
Yes it is hard but you can't take everything on yourself.
We have an 8 month old too and it's hard enough without having to take what amounts to a firm of abuse.
The mother might not be aware of just how much it is affecting you so try to talk about it.
And good luck as sucking it up might just result in resentment in time.

I am aware we have been lucky so far as no massive blow ups. But we have had more than a few discussions on issues (will put it that way to be nice)

I get treated the same way and we have children together. 😯

2 years and I'm still the cause for most issues since the little one was born

In all fairness though, I probably am in a lot of ways. After all, she was the one whose insides were rearranged by a xenomorph so I can take a little narkyness from time to time.

There might be a bit of post natal depression, my wife had it and didn't really notice herself until one day she couldn't get out of bed for crying

That seems normal...however, without trying to suggest that she is mental, is she approachable to a chat to see if she has some post-natal depression? It could contribute a lot to all the other things going on.

Seems about right. Give her your unrelenting support, good times are just round the corner but PND can be a real barsteward.

One of the hardest things is for anyone to admit they have a problem, so depending on how your other half reacts, it might not be best that you have the chat with her - how chatty are you with her parents? Can you have a word with them and they have a word with her to see if she can have a chat with someone who is able to help - it isn't about popping pills, but if that is part of the problem then it can be resolved and things will get better much quicker (for her, you and the family).

The parents thing is a good idea, any suggestion from me that I'm anything other than a total dick is unlikely to go down well!

What Dick Barton says certainly not what bruneep says.

A good mate of mine advised me a while back to batten down the hatches for the first [s]12 months[/s] [b][i]8 years[/b][/i].

Ffs I forgot to add the 😉

Since when did we get all serious on here. 🙄

I reckon that in the 16 years I've been with the wife that every argument or cross word has been my fault. I'm not entirely sure I've ever really done anything that has made her happy with me. Now I'm sure that a few of these cross moments were not actually down to me and were in fact her being irrational and unreasonable but to be fair I will hold my hand up to most issues.

So the moral of this story could be that actually us men are in fact the cause of stress for women...... Or it could be just me?

Yup, very hard for you to leave now, so she can treat you like ****. Perfectly normal.

A good mate of mine advised me a while back to batten down the hatches for the first 12 months.

It could even last up to 7 years from when you 1st met, then the itch starts.

Just to play devils advocate here are you sure she doesn't have a point??? I used to think just as you on this and felt very put upon after we had a baby...... But now on reflection I see that it was actually me being a nob.
In fact I'm pretty sure just about every single argument has been down to me at some level.

I'd challenge her behaviour, not aggressively but firmly. Tell her how she's behaving and the effect it's having on you. Mrs Taxi has suffered occasional bouts of depression over the years. Not being a doormat and standing up for myself is the only thing that got us through.

That really isn't helpful. Stupid man.

Get a sense of humour. Stupid girl.

Got to ask: Are you being a new man and taking a large share of all the domestic shit to take the strain off her a bit? Nappy changing, picking up wailing infant at night too? Proactivity is king...
Not had any grief at all from my OH when the wee man was a baby and certainly didn't think she was in any way mental...though she did drop him down the stairs! 😯

I'm sure I'm not blameless but I'd argue I do as much as I can, I'd do more if I were allowed. I seem to have been removed from the decision making process when it comes to junior, any attempt at discussion or difference of opinion is taken as a deeply personal stinging attack on her parenting skills.

I can appreciate it must be hard for her to see me come in from work every day when she's been looking after baby all day. I fully appreciate the sacrifices she's made, and tell her so, but she doesn't seem to recognise that it's hard for me too. I'd love to spend more time with them both but I'm working hard to provide for the family.

Get a sense of humour. Stupid girl.

Unfortunately, once you've been here a few years the 'hilarious' misogny stops being funny.

but I'm working hard to provide for the family.

And a guy I socialise with was "working hard to support the family" which basically meant working all hours god sends to support his hobbies. None of them cheap.
When he twigged the Porsches both went, and the motorbike. Now he's doing his trackdays in a 15 year old golf. And knocked the motorbiking on the head for a few years.

Maybe see if you can cut some outgoings and work less.

That really isn't helpful. Stupid man.

Post-natal depression is utterly awful (if that's what she has, perhaps), but as a previous sufferer from PND myself, I do appreciate that it has a knock-on effect on the new dad too. The hardest thing for me was sleep deprivation, and any extra opportunities for a bit of extra kip were really helpful.
Maybe you could point out that you're both finding it hard, and agree on a few things that might make life a bit easier while the baby is still very young?

Might not be what you want to hear, but three and a bit years of this sort of thing (scapegoating, being made to feel like a third wheel, etc) destroyed our previously (we thought) good relationship. Whether it be her fault, your fault, or a combination of both, ignore it at your peril.

EDIT:

<my cat's contribution to this thread has been deleted>

Tis the old joke "why do husbands die before their wives? Because they want to:

Talk to her, not us. You're a team.

sounds like theres a lot going on here. Don't do the bloke thing of shutting down and ignoring the issue. try to keep talking and not take things too personally. I'm aware how difficult that can be.

1) is she back at work or at home full time? - maybe shes going spare from boredom/isolation and feels your contributions are undermining her attempts to cope?
2) does she have a social circle that she can share with? we had NCT post natal groups which my other half found invaluable to help her realise that its OK to think that child rearing is awful as well as fabulous
3) could you offer (subtly) to take junior singlehanded for a while so she can do something non child related?

also don't under-estimate the effects of sleep deprivation or the potential for post natal depression to get serious. I you think thats a real problem then getting professional help is vital.

When ours came along we were in a very rocky place. Before I couldn't understand blokes who left when a child was very young. In the situation I really could see why very starkly.

Some have it rockier than others and some stay together and have a second to keep the semblance of shared goals. They don't have sex and stay together long-term. WTF.

Thankfully ours was saveable (both relationship and the bedroom side).

OP - the sleep deprivation, the hormones, etc etc. If the sex isn't there regularly again after 6months+ that's a good indicator about the health of your relationship

I've heard people say 'sex? No your a parent and you grow up etc so it's not as important anymore'. Sex leaves so does the soul of the relationship.

How's that side? Is it picking up again?

Hora - member
sex...sex...sex?...Sex.

That really isn't helpful. Stupid man

Get a sense of humour. Stupid girl.

I just need a transgender put-down and I've got numberwang.

We're a couple of months down the line from you with a 10month old.

What you're describing doesn't really sound bearable or that normal TBH. The sort of behavior where someone declares something has been ruined, then proceeds to ruin it by being miserable is really destructive and hard to deal with. There's some sort of underlying issue that isn't going to go away when the baby gets a bit bigger.

Don't want to put a downer on anything, but a few questions. Prior to baby did any of these issues arise? Where you made to feel guilty for wanting to see friends/pursue your hobbies (in a reasonable fashion)? Was it pretty clear that your needs were secondary to those of your partner? If so you may be in a similar relationship to the one that I was in. The divorce was confirmed on Friday. Two beautiful kids and despite the acrimony they have come through it all very well. Now with my partner for life (met a year after separation which was in Jan 2012) & have a 3 month old. Couldn't be more different. Lovely woman, lovely person and we laugh our way through the challenges that had the ex at my throat (and me at hers towards the end as my patience started to snap). Point is it is very difficult. It may well be a phase but be sure to ask yourself if this is completely out of character, or an escalation. Fwiw my thoughts are that sleep depr and the demands of a screaming infant will always lead to misunderstandings and disagreements, it's when you find yourself the root of all evil that you need to be aware. I'd suggest you try and have a word and if it doesn't stick look at counselling..

Thanks all, I'm pretty sure this is baby related one way or another as our relationship was never like this before. I'm not holding it against her at all, but maybe I need to find a different/better way to be supportive. She's going back to work in a couple of months and I know that will be very hard to her so no doubt thats playing on her mind too. I don't think she sees my side much so I'll try and gently explain it. If I never post on here again then thats not gone well and I'm under the patio...

wrote something then deleted it.

I feel for your situation, I can't offer advice as im 15 months of the same and thoroughly fed up with it.

I hope you find the solution and I hope I find a solution for me.

9month here, and yes had the wife in tears a couple of hours ago because it was not the mothers day she expected.

Spent the whole day at her friends christening, then I suggested we drove for an hour round an area she says she wants to buy a house but appears to be impossible to get a decision out of her. Home for an hour the boy screams all tea time for her, and then normal routine is I take him for an hour. Lots of gurgles and laughs. That and the fact she cleaned up some of his shit earlier means she has had a horrible Mother's Day. Proper sulk, tears and making it clear its my fault. Didn't want a take away as we'd planned. I just kept quiet and cooked dinner no point in discussing it when they've decided it's all your fault. Sucks for me too.

As for the walking out when they were young. Yes I nearly did three times. It has been much better since he has got better sleeping.

what did you say

My wife was mostly reasonable* and that didn't change post-babies, I know I would be pretty hurt but mostly very concerned if she changed as you and a couple of others have experienced OP.

Seriously, I don't see this as normal - I would say there is a deeper issue - maybe PND or something else? I believe that for some people that having children can trigger the return of previous problems.

If you have a good relationship with her patents or she with yours, it might be a good idea to get them to talk to her. If not, maybe she has an understanding friend who could?

Take care guys.

*Not meant as an insult - we all have our moments.

Sounds like emotional abuse to me which is quite rightly illegal in this day and age..
Try to get to the bottom of what's causing it and get it sorted..

I feel your pain [b]unknown[/b]... The wife and I are 13mths in, and are in a similar situation... I'm pretty good at letting water run off my back, so the regular jibes and criticisms are generally overcome by the positive moments, but there is (and certainly has been) a negative trend since the kid dropped. I'd be very interested to know how many marriages are crippled by child birth. Actually, that's pretty depressing, so i'd rather not!
We had been happily married for three years before the (planned) pee stick discovery, and it's been really really tough ever since.
I'm not really sure I can give much advice until I myself get through this funk, but I'll give you these two nuggets that I remind myself of daily...

1: You are going to experience the most wonderful moments you could have ever imagined, and though they may be fleeting, you will cherish them forever.

2: Your OH is having a harder time than you are, so please don't take it out on her...

Stick with it bud, and one day you'll notice it's going good, and you will wonder what you were fretting about (hopefully)

We decided not to have kids so I can't speak from first hand experience but all relationships need patience and understanding. Patience can eventually run out but understanding means being able to discuss the issues at hand with the other person. If this can't be done between you then I would strongly advise that you use some help from friends, family or better still, a relationship expert.
Most things that are crap in life are better dealt with once they are discussed, especially with your other half.

Sorry not read all the comments.

Babies are hard, really hard! And put a big strain on relationships.

Do you take you share of chores in the house? Are you letting other half have time to sleep?

Could it be post natal depression?

Don't be a doormat, it's perfectly acceptable to tell the mother of your child to f*** off occasionally.

But pull your weight.

(We have 2 boys, age 6 and nearly 7)

OP, your feelings definitely need to be considered. After all, when your partner talks to you, she is talking to the father of your children. It does not bode well for the future for children to see their parent treated like a doormat. Same to everyone else advising he batten down the hatches.

Part of being a parent is setting an example for your kids. This has to start with speaking to your partner about how her treatment of you makes you feel. Before that, reflect on your own behaviour first. Do you let things go when you know she's lashing out because she's tired? Are you genuinely doing all you can to help around the house? Are you making an effort to still have some couples time? Sometimes a little ritual like a cuddle before bed, or when you wake up goes a long way. Same for being the person who tidies up unasked, taking care of things like the shopping and making dinner etc.

My relationship with my partner was quite severely tested once our little one arrived. What kept it going was being honest about how we were feeling and being prepared to listen. This means you're going to hear some uncomfortable truths about both yourselves.

Good luck to you both. Keep working at it and you'll get there, but it won't happen overnight. It takes time for people to recognise their behavioural patterns and to remedy them. Whatever you do, don't suffer in silence, because that breeds resentment.

Mrs unknown and I have a beautiful 8 month old, it was a hard road to get where we are and we both love her to pieces. However

I suggest getting her to go to the docs to see if she is suffering from post natal depression. and no your life does not go back to normal, you have a child now (father of an 11, 6 and 1 year old)

My other half is just coming through some PND after our fourth (and last!!) But she has never blamed me for everything that goes wrong and like mentioned above you need to take a step back and make sure you're squeaky clean before you say anything. Kids are a realy hard going and you have to remember that there are good times and bad.
I'd be trying to sit her down and talk about it if she doesn't know how you feel she'll maybe never get through the other side.
One bit of advice is to ignore other new mums who say their wee darlings sleep for 12 hours, nap and eat as usually they are full of shit and for some reason like to tell little white lies so their offspring sound like they are joys.
New mums can be competitive about that for some reason!
All I can say is best of luck.

One bit of advice is to ignore other new mums who say their wee darlings sleep for 12 hours, nap and eat as usually they are full of shit and for some reason like to tell little white lies so their offspring sound like they are joys.

This +100

My wife was suffering quite a bit with this. One friend in particular had a baby similar time to us but still somehow managed wonderful holidays etc. Wife was getting down that our life was so hard etc and we couldn't manage to do "normal" stuff. I spoke to her husband when I met him in the street and he informed me their holiday was the worst week of his life and taking a tiny baby to BnB with cardboard walls was no fun at all.

I am not a dad, but... My dad basically did everything he could to coddle my mum. When my little brother came along, that time it didn't work and she finally actually got diagnosed with PND and treated. Final verdict was, if my dad was less sound, she'd have done this first time and probably been a lot happier.

(or possibly had less sprogs)

So... Sometimes helping doesn't help, it just makes things barely tolerable, is the point I think.

I'm a 'survivor' of a Wife with PND and a few pretty rough years. My Wife, like many other mothers I feel, thought that the whole experience would be skipping through meadows in flowery dresses. As we both discovered it was considerably harder than this and it took her a while to admit that this was making her (wrongly) feel inadequate. It also helped me when the Padre at work (I'm Armed Forces) took me aside and explained that a new mother's body is absolutely flooded with hormones/chemicals that can drastically change the way they deal with any situation.
In short my Wife reached out and sought help and I gradually came to appreciate what she was really going through.
Solution? There isn't really one, but giving her some time away from the little'un helped us and when it really got bad I just reminded myself that I'd vowed to look after her through sickness and health.
Now? Kids 8 and 10 are just brilliant and the two of us even got a weekend away together last month (and I've had the chop).

Our little man was 4 years in the making and is now 14 months old. There were a few low points early on when sleep was hard to get but we spoke about it openly and tried to work it out together. She took a year off work but made a lot of effort to regularly see other mums from our birthing group, coffee and lunches each fortnight, a craft group once a month in the evening, weekend dog walks without the baby at the weekend, dropped in to school to keep in touch once a month or so etc etc We saw a lot of family in the first 12 months, travelled a bit and looking back it was wonderful to have the family support.
I've tried my best to be a "modern dad" cooking dinner after work, did bed time routines every evening after work, took him swimming at the weekends and had him whenever she was out. We've switched roles this year I'm home full time with him and she's back teaching.
Could you wife take more time off work? Have you got family you can see regularly, friends to visit, a regular swimming class at the weekend you can do with the baby?

Sleeping is a difficult one, and as daviek says, everyone you see will say their baby is sleeping like a dream. It's bollocks and best ignored.

Hope you get through it together.

Lazgoat - Member

Our little man was 4 years in the making

You are an alpine salamander?

Lazgoat - Member
Our little man was 4 years in the making

You are an alpine salamander

A lot of sound advice already but the thing that sticks out for me is that having a little one if exceptionally tough, especially if they are your first and you are the main child carer. Absolutely do not underestimate this!

Even with a great relationship, people around, little one that is good as gold.... it is flippin draining, exhausting and takes a toll. Even more so if your partner is feeding etc and there are things that can not be shared (easily at least). No doubt you know that and see it but IME you can not begin to properly understand it until the roles are reversed. I say this as someone who works mostly at home and do as much as I can around the house and considered myself as quite "modern". Unfortunately my wife was ill and I had 3 months of being promoted to full time honorary mum which I can tell you was one hell of a wake up call despite thinking before that I was doing almost everything at home before. I'd be careful to give it too many labels or blame hormones/ gender as there were times where I was absolutely on the edge of coping and that was just from the childcare side and is exceptional for me to struggle with anything in that way. As I said, looking after even an angel can do funny things to a person!

When it all passes you'll both wonder what the fuss was about but in the mean time it makes a huge difference to be supportive rather than ignore the issues and try to identify what you can be doing to give Mrs Unknown a bit of a breather and feel a bit more *normal* from time to time. The advice above about having an outlet was huge for us. For me at least it was the relentlessness but I imagine you have to talk it through and see what is trickiest in your house. I guess what I'm getting at is don't just ignore it.

The other thing I'd say it that getting routine in to the little one's day (and night!) is massive and gives some structure you can all work around to keep on top of things. We got on really well with Tracey Hogg's EASY routine but everyone and every child is different. It is incredibly hard work at the start (we shut ourselves away for two weeks) but once it gets rolling makes one heck of a difference. Good luck to you all

As others have said, lots of sound advice on here - hopefully it helps to know you're (absolutely) not alone. Your experience sounds a carbon copy of mine - seemingly endless (verbal) aggression and behaviour that on any view no-one would suggest a wife should tolerate if the roles were reversed. Yes it's absolutely true that pregnancy is draining on your other half - often brutally so - but you are supposed to be a team and if you're doing your best to help, then consistently treating you as a punchbag isn't acceptable. Everyone snaps from time to time, but regular episodes if you have explained (in a quiet, calm moment) how this is affecting you is not on. It's really hard to find the right balance (IME) - do you "man up", work harder around the house to give her less excuse for an outburst, or try to confront unreasonable behaviour as you would do with your child, or you would expect someone to do with you if you were being a knob?

Ideas:

1) Exercise (I run rather than cycle, but it has kept me sane / allowed a partial sense of perspective)

2) Get PND ruled out if this isn't the cause - easier said than done, I realise, if the mere suggestion that "things aren't right" is enough to produce Armageddon!

3) Enlist the help of her family / your family if that's a practical solution - needs to be done carefully so no-one feels ganged up on, but may help?

4) Get support for YOU - I ended up seeing a Relate counsellor alone because my wife refused to see it as anything other than me being horrible to her, and this helped me a lot - if only to hear someone outside the situation tell me that we all have a right to be respected just as much as we have a duty to respect others.

5) Hang in there (if that's the right thing for you) - you will always be the father to your child and you owe it to your child to be the best father you can be - however that works. I'd avoid making hasty decisions - while you clearly can't "man up" for ever, you may find that once the little monster gets a little older/ a bit bigger / a fraction less terrifyingly vulnerable / sleeps a bit better, then peace will be restored by degrees.

I feel for you - good luck.