[Closed] Dads net. Bullying when it's your own child doing the bullying.

Why is she being given the opportunity to "stick up for herself" a lot? It might not be her fault.

Not had this (yet) with my kids but a mate did with his lad. He tackled it by first making sure of the facts, then explaining to his lad why he was being punished, setting a punishment (no playing for his football team for a month plus no computer or game console) and sticking to it.

The last point is important as he got pressure from his wife (and the kids football coach) to lift the punishment early but he stuck to it and it seems to have worked as there has been no repetition of the bullying after over a year.

Firm but fair is the way to go.

coalbunker, 42hrs.

On the upside it'll prepare her nicely for a slot on The Junior apprentice.

My house tutor (9th dan black belt) way of dealing with bullies was to take them into his office (nee broom cupboard) and give them an un relenting fertile style hair dryer treatment. On more than one occasion the bullies would leave having pissed in their trousers, which would be an open secret in the school, having been started by the teacher.

Seems appropriate.

Cletus has the correct approach. The punishment has to be proportionate and reasonable. "You're grounded until you're 16!" is not going to be effective for a 12 year old...

coalbunker, 42hrs.

😆

fertile style hair dryer treatment

take your daughter to the home of the bullied child, and make her apologise infront of you and the other childs parents.

very effective.

Ha ha, fergie style, even. Damn iPad auto correct

negative situations should always be turned into a positive.
ask for a cut of the profits she makes in dinner money - not so much that she doesn't see the value in doing it anymore, but not so little than she doesn't up her game.
that or rub her face in it - that'll learn her.

What has the school said on the matter?

ask for a cut of profits

brakes - Member
negative situations should always be turned into a positive.
ask for a cut of the profits she makes in dinner money - not so much that she doesn't see the value in doing it anymore, but not so little than she doesn't up her game.

Gideon and CMD would be truely proud of such entrepreneurial zeal. Ever thought of running for office? 🙂

Cooler. Sree veeks....

Switch on the news, tell her the main headline is the result of bullying.

Cetus +10
Ton +100
We had a situation with our daughter, not bullying but a six of one half a dozen of the other which was causing both parties grief. We went the ton route, got together with the parents and other child and sorted it out. Hard for all concerned but a life lesson for both girls.
Going back to cletus' friend, I see so many kids at work who know that one parent will fold under nagging pressure. It does no good at all in the long run.
Good luck.

Should also find out whether there's a bigger picture. We had a kid in the year above at school who was bullied by a few of the lads in his own year so tried to bully people younger than him. Unluckily for him he wasn't really tough enough to do that any more than he could stand up to his own peers. Unluckily for everyone else, by the age of 14 he carried a knife every day.

Get the whole story before doing anything.

Also remember there is a genuine reason why kids bully other kids. It might not seem important to the adults but it is important to the child. Your intervention must also address the root cause, and its possible that something that you and your wife are doing is the cause, albeit inadvertently.

what yossarian said - don't focus on the what but the why.

take your daughter to the home of the bullied child

Personally I think that's not such a good plan. The bullied child will tend to get a lot more stick, perhaps in different ways following that.
Yup, coal bunker...

Firstly, bloody well done to the OP for being objective and big enough to realise it might be his child's problem. Sounds like we (or you?) don't have enough info to be offering much advice. Is it lots of incidents with different kids, in which case she might be getting a hard time herself? Or a few with the same kid? The school must have some idea of the overall picture. I'd get it from them first, and if it is one kid, maybe get in touch with his or her parents and see what they might like before marching yours round. You'll probably have to find the truth somewhere in the middle of all the accounts you get. Good luck you, sounds like you're doing the right thing.

My house tutor (9th dan black belt) way of dealing with bullies was to take them into his office (nee broom cupboard) and give them an un relenting fertile style hair dryer treatment. On more than one occasion the bullies would leave having pissed in their trousers, which would be an open secret in the school, having been started by the teacher.

Seems appropriate.

So an adult being an out of control bully is your cure for children being bullies, I hope to god you don't have kids.

So an adult being an out of control bully is your cure for children being bullies, I hope to god you don't have kids.

It has to be said that older generations will have had far worse from their teachers, and their peers, without too many signs of them being maladjusted.

It has to be said that older generations will have had far worse from their teachers, and their peers, without too many signs of them being maladjusted.

apart from imposing the same approach on their own kids and other young people

It has to be said that older generations will have had far worse from their teachers, and their peers, without too many signs of them being maladjusted.

LOL don't believe the fantasy, the past is a false utopia that never existed. There has always been lots of bullying, crime and violence in society. Nothing much has changed really.

Their were notorious knife gangs in Manchester during the Victorian age, mods fought rockers on the beeches is the 60's, teddy boys terrorised cafes in the 50's. The 2nd world war was a crime spree that created the London crime gangs.

The daily mail pop larkin fantasy view of history just isn't anywhere near true.

So an adult being an out of control bully is your cure for children being bullies, I hope to god you don't have kids.

Wondered how long it'd take 🙂

(father of one, extremely laid back, mild mannered 8 yr old)

[u]Nothing much has changed really.[/u]

And this is despite the cane, verbal 'abuse' etc being removed as disciplinary tools by teachers. Makes you wonder whether or not the modern approach is working...

My house tutor (9th dan black belt) way of dealing with bullies was to take them into his office (nee broom cupboard) and give them an un relenting fertile style hair dryer treatment. On more than one occasion the bullies would leave having pissed in their trousers, which would be an open secret in the school, having been started by the teacher.

He would have later been locked in his room whilst it was set alight, your bullys were obviously not good enough.

So an adult being an out of control bully is your cure for children being bullies, I hope to god you don't have kids.

Wondered how long it'd take

(father of one, extremely laid back, mild mannered 8 yr old)

mods fought rockers on the beeches

Remarkably adept at climbing trees considering the tight leather jeans and tight suits...
😀

[churchill voice]

We shall fight on the beeches, we shall fight on the playgrounds, we shall fight in the pubs and in the streets, we shall fight in William Hills.

[/churchill voice]

mods fought rockers on the beeches

These days they just fight on here

K - Member

So an adult being an out of control bully is your cure for children being bullies, I hope to god you don't have kids.

Wondered how long it'd take

(father of one, extremely laid back, mild mannered 8 yr old)

Until he knifes someone?

Not quite as big a leap as suggesting screaming at a child until he/she wets herself as a solution, to then claiming to be a mild mannered dad. Which I think it might be a new variation of the Edinburgh defence.

MSP

''Not quite as big a leap as suggesting screaming at a child until he/she wets herself as a solution, to then claiming to be a mild mannered dad. Which I think it might be a new variation of the Edinburgh defence.''

It might just have been an off the cuff comment?

Have you tried weeing in her shoes.

Shirley this is the STW way.

I'm not a fan of authoritarianism. It does train kids to think about the consequences of what they do, but only in terms of if they are going to get caught and punished, i.e. what are the consequences FOR THEM.

Far better imo to train kids to think about the consequences for other people.

Ton's approach is the best mentioned so far.

Why is bullying bad? Because it upsets other people, and this is bad. So why not make that clear to the kid concerned?

Discipline has a place sometimes - when your kid is just trying it on for example.

I did a spot of bullying when I was a kid, in a single incident. It was inadvertent though. The other kids started a rumour that this kid thought he could beat me up, and being a competitive type I challenged him. It never occurred to me that this was anything other than just normal schoolground stuff until I found out he had been to scared to come to school the following day. Once it was made clear to me what I'd actually done I was horrified.

As above make sure you get the facts.

My daughter was accused of bullying a friends little boy a few years back. They were in the same class.
I gave my daughter a real hard time over and accepted our friends version of events. with hindsight I was far too hard on her and it turned out some weeks later when the boy accused somebody else then somebody else etc that he was doing the bullying.
He would threaten each of the kids that he would tell parents teachers etc that they were bullying him thus intimidating and frightening them.
I didnt listen to my daughter enough and I was to blame however my (ex) friend is a district judge so I wrongly placed too much trust in his version of events. To be fair it was the version his son had given him and I think they have other issues.

Complex subject, and I can't see that "punishment" is ever likely to give a satisfactory outcome. Punishment engenders bitterness and desire for retribution - the bullied getting more grief for speaking out.

[i]my (ex) friend[/i]

so he believed what his kid tells him and you didn't believe yours and as a result you now don't talk? Sounds like you were both wrong, really?

Tough call, I'd agree that it's probably best to get all the facts and take a reasoned and level headed approach by trying to get her to understand the consequences of her actions.

so he believed what his kid tells him and you didn't believe yours and as a result you now don't talk? Sounds like you were both wrong, really?

Very tricky, believing kids... Take on board what they say, but seek other viewpoints.

Our son has had a number of problems with bullying, including a concussive head bang which saw him in A&E. But, the most difficult to deal with was a "spat" between him and a very good friends son. Our son maintained he was being psychologically bullied, rather than physical. We believed him in a qualified manner, I think our friends believed their son in absolute terms. All sorts of problems when school stepped in to resolve. Both boys were accusing each other of doing the same thing. Very bad feeling between the adults, when there really wasn't any need. I [i]Think[/i] parents evening might have been influential on both sets of parents. Our son's teachers comments on his behaviour, attitude, achievements, team working etc were entirely consistent with what he was telling us. Our friends, on the other hand, we're to be seen doing a face palm....

So, I think (very much hope) our son was vindicated as telling the truth, but still stand by my approach of taking a qualified view.

As the OP says "appear". I would first find a quiet calm moment to sit down and say something open and non-confrontational/judgemental like "Tell me what has been going on at school?"
followed by stuff like
"Are you happy with the way you responded to that situation?"
and
"What would you do differently if the situation happened again?"
Let your daughter do the talking and thinking, and let her know that you love and respect her, and expect her to behave with the highest standards.
School life can be so confusing for kids.

So an adult being an out of control bully is your cure for children being bullies, I hope to god you don't have kids.
Wondered how long it'd take

(father of one, extremely laid back, mild mannered 8 yr old)

If he was a 9 th dan he would have been a grand master and an internationally renowned instructor and leader of a school and an international champion etc so that part was BS

As for the rest [if true] that is not a solution as it teaches them that bullies win just be a better bully

Very tricky, believing kids... Take on board what they say, but seek other viewpoints.

Thanks for your post rkk01. I'm a while away (I hope!) from any need to deal with this, but got some 'take aways' 🙄 from what you wrote.

just a thought...A few years ago I met an old aquaintance from school in a pub. someone I'd not seen for maybe 20 years. Turn out he felt that I'd bullied him and that me and my friends "made his life hell". I was genuinely surprised at this, as it turns out what I thought of as banter, play fighting and running jokes was actually quite upsetting for this guy. I found this revelation particuarly upsetting as I'd been bullied all through school and always thought of myself as the victim.

long story short, I bought him a pint and apologised, he confessed to shagging my ex-girlfriend (a few years later I must add!) and all seems to be resolved, but maybe the OP's daughter doesn't even realise she is a bully?

If he was a 9 th dan he would have been a grand master and an internationally renowned instructor and leader of a school and an international champion etc so that part was BS

He'd probably be more than that - he'd be retired. Because it takes a hell of a long time to get to 9th dan. Something in the region of 50 years.

Let your daughter do the talking and thinking

+100, that's good parenting right there.

so he believed what his kid tells him and you didn't believe yours and as a result you now don't talk? Sounds like you were both wrong, really?

Good luck with all that 🙄