Critical, horrific, but yet hilarious medical procedures - what's yours?

Getting a jigga fly larvae dug out of my upper thigh was interesting as I could watch while it wriggled around (Zimbabwe)

Ther number of medical professionals that have seen my arse in the last couple of years is really not funny!  2x colonoscopies was not too bad but then I got an abcess on my arse.  Blew up over a weekend and by Sunday morning it was agony and the size of a golf ball.  I phoned NHS 24 at 6 am and got an appointment at urgent care for 10 am.  Went along to urgent care, dropped my trousers for the charming young female GP who took a look and instead of prescribing some oral antibiotics and maybe lancing it said " you are being admitted immediately, go over to surgical admissions" ( its all on the same site)  Off I toddle to surgical admissions, they already know I am coming over.  Get to drop my breeks again for the surgical junior doc who told me " IV antibiotics to start immediately, probable surgery, Ill get the Registrar to have a look"  then the nurse comes to check my arse and consider what sort of dressing to put on, the surgical reg comes along for a look and decides yes it does need surgery.  IV antibiotics started, admitted to a ward where you guessed it - various folk need to see my arse!
I was added to the weekend emergency surgical list and kept getting bumped down the list as more serious cases came in.  Eventually ( sunday teatime by now) they decided I woulds be added to the start on the monday morning list.  By this time it had burst so another round of lovely young female medical and nursing staff to examine my arse!
surgery is done and I get sent home - but will need daily dressings at my GPs for the next couple of weeks.  So off I toddle to the GPs to get the dressing changed.  Yes more nurses to see my arse!
I just ended up getting used to dropping my breeks so nice young ladies could see my arse.  I just need to remember only to do so in appropriate medical situations not in the pub!

Edit:  By the time I started the IV antiboitics I had cellulitus from knee to waist on that side and was probably only a few hours from septicemia

Had an injection into my eyeball a few years ago and, due to the anaesthetic, I had no control of my eye for a few hours after the procedure so could position it in any direction by flicking my head one way or t’other…

i have had far more than my share of medical procedures, but 2 that can raise a smile with mates are,

in my 30's i went for the snip, which is done at my local surgery, where my mates wife works as one of the nurses.

and we were and still are drinking friends.  so i am laid on the bed in the surgical room talking to the doctor, when in walks my mates wife, who is assisting the doctor. and who is present whilst the doctor paints my cock and balls with iodene and injects and the does the op.

and the second one, was only a couple of months ago.    i went for the prostate test, at a surgery attached to my doctors.    i was seeing a doctor who i have never seen before, who turns out to be a very young female doctor, maybe 21 i guess.    to say i was embarrassed i and huge understatement.

I've had the steroid injections into my shouder joint a few times, then surgery. Injection was weird, and yep, the needle is huge.

I will add due to complication's from the snip, a follow up operation was open up, nut out, pipework cut off, stitched back in in - the operation tok over two hours. On-going issues then meant I went in twice for steroid/botox injections direct into my left nut. I was surrounded by about five staff including the consultant each time. First time an older nurse 'stroked' MY ARM (not anything else), whilst I was jabbed, second time, there was a male nurse going decidedly green as the procedure was done.

I think when you need stuff doing, you just get on with any possible embarasment - remember the medical staff have seen it all many, many, times before.

Got nervous during the snip.
"It's been months since i've had two women playing with my balls at the same time."

Then giggled quietly to myself for about 20 minutes.

(Thankfully they both laughed.)

My last memory before I went under to get my broken hip bolted back together was seeing their tool wall, complete with Draper torque wrench. Draper ffs! Delay the operation, we're sending a taxi to my place to bring back my Norbar.

(earlier in the process, I was sent for xray, and after they took the shots the lady said "excellent, those are all fine". We were pretty much getting ready to leave before it turned out that this meant "these are really good xrays, clearly showing your leg's fallen off")

In my early 20s, I had an operation on a hydrocele (fluid in tissues of scrotum). Prior to that, they’d unsuccessfully drained it by inserting a large bore needle into my ballsack and drawn off the fluid, changing syringes half way through…
While in hospital for the op, the consultant comes round and asks if he can show some students - apparently hydroceles are uncommon in adult males - and proceeds to usher in about 6 young females while I’m lying on the bed with my kecks round my ankles. He then proceeds to demonstrate how you can identify the condition by holding up my knackers by the knob, and shining a pen torch from the back. Apparently, if you can’t see the light, it’s potentially a bad sign as it suggests the swelling may be solid tissue, rather than fluid.

Not really critical or horrific, but butt-hole related....

Had a skin tag which I elected to have removed mainly because it made wiping my arse a bit more of a process....

So I assumed the position in the hospital in a pretty open ward as it was only a quick procedure. The doctor explained that she was going to insert a needle into my butt hole to numb it. In she went.... I immediately shouted "Holy Pluck!!" (or similar....) across the ward as I've never experienced pain quite like it. I thought the doctor would at least see the funny side of the situation but she just looked stony faced to make things even more awkward.

I'm not sure how it was removed but I could smell burning flesh....I guess these things just get burnt off?! 

I was in hospital in my 20s having had a procedure that involved 'packing' up me rear end. Obviously it got entangled with dried blood etc so removing it was kin agony but they did do it in stages. I was face down on the bed, gripping the mattress, deep breathing and sweat on the forehead. Eventually the nurse said 'it's out', I replied 'is it a boy?', silence.

Got delivered the wrong floor when going for a hand operation. Orderlies had done one by the time the surgeon decided I wasn't Mrs miggs and should be 1 floor up.
Had to push my own trolley with a nurse out of theatre up the corridor to the lift.
Whilst wearing a girls dress designed for a 7 year old , on backwards barely covering my bits.
Whilst tripping on pre meds in a busy hospital.
Quietly crapping myself as my dad died a few months earlier after a hospital cock up during surgery . Fun times .

Two pylonidal sinus operations at the top of my butt cleft. I came round from the first one to a dainty nurse saying there was a fist sized hole at the top of my arse - no worries, she had small hands. Then the surgeon came in and said the hole was the size of his fist - he may have played No8 in the uni rugby team. The hole was so big he asked permission to use photos he'd taken for medical students. Over the next 4 months every trainee district nurse in Sussex got to admire the hole as it slowly healed from the base up.

18 months later had a similar, smaller op. Highlight of which was a cute district nurse getting a colleague to help her change the packing as my arse was too muscly for her to open the wound when I tensed up.

Then there was the vasectomy with not enough local anaesthetic....

Good grief. I got about 4 posts in. I can't read this it is making me really squirm 🤢

This meets the critical and horrific criteria but not hilarious. At least not to my eyes, though others may see the funny side

A prostate biopsy that should have been a day procedure was going okay. In the waiting area afterwards with a load of other fellas who'd had the same. Tea and biscuits and people were being released one by one, once they'd had a piss. Until there was just me left. I couldn't piss. Just a bloody dribble.

It was the end of the day and the one nurse left clearly wanted to go home. She impatiently had me drink another 3 glasses of water on top of the 2 cups of tea, convinced this would sort me out. Whilst tutting and looking at her watch.

The need to pee but the inability to do so was ****ing excruciating. It got worse and worse until I was squealing in agony. The nurse called another and he tried to catheterise me. 3 times. He couldn't get it past my battered, bloody prostate and trying to do so caused me to bleed profusely through my battered old man and scream in pain.

A doctor then came and produced a different catheter. A bigger catheter. Literally the thickness of a camelback drinking tube. A mini ****ing garden hosepipe. With an inflatable bulb on the end. He succeeded in fitting it but I swear I nearly passed out with the pain. I have never felt anything like it. What came out looked like raspberry coloured porridge.

I was then admitted and hooked up to a drip which flushed several litres of saline per hour through my  my bladder.

Overnight I was in a room on my own. Twice I had to hit the alarm button. Once when I woke, shivering uncontrollably and convinced I had sepsis.  I only had a single sheet on me and all the windows were open, I had become borderline hypothermic. The room was freezing. Blankets, a hot drink, a wooly hat and closing the windows resolved that.

Next. The drain bag for my catheter wasn't emptied when it should have been. But the drip was still in full flow so my bladder filled up rapidly like a space hopper and despite being on morphine, I squealed in pain again.

They had to keep flushing me until no more blood and bits of raw liver/mince meat were coming out of blokedownstairs. This took nearly 24 hours.

The final ignominy was having the catheter removed. The nurse tried and tried but it wouldn't come out. The now familiar excruciating, agonising, eye watering pain returned. She called the doc and the two of them pulled on the garden hosepipe like they were in some tug of war final. It eventually came out. That smarted a bit. I swore.

I could piss again and they let me go home. Apparently my reaction to a routine procedure was 1 in 100. Lucky me.

another snip story. My wife had refused to consider paying for a private job so I went via the GP, only to be told they didn't do them and had contracted out to Stopes anyway. All I had to do was to wait to rise to the top of their waiting list and then I'd be treated like a private patient.

Which meant a nice waiting room with a TV and complimentary coffee before my name was called. The nice nurse told me to strip off my bottom half in the ante room, and then come through. No gowns or owt, just Winnie-the-Pooh style. 'Oh, but leave your socks on, the floor's cold' was her parting advice.

So my first meeting of the doctor and other staff that were doing my op was hardly presenting me in my best light.

Once on the bed, a few questions answered and then they start. Which means, placing a sheet over my nethers, with a hole cut in it, and pulling the meat and two veg through it. Which they then liberally paint (yep, with a brush) with iodine solution.

After that, frankly they could have done anything as long as it was fast and didn't involve eye contact. But they still had one last trick up their sleeve, just a bit too little anaesthetic, which the doctor found out a microsecond after me.

Earlier on in my career I was involved in many a defecating proctogram(look it up!).

We used to mix up the barium paste with smash instant mash before it was inserted into the rectum and then pooped back out👍

MY consultant wants me to do one of them!

Earlier on in my career I was involved in many a defecating proctogram(look it up!).

We used to mix up the barium paste with smash instant mash before it was inserted into the rectum and then pooped back out👍

We all need a hobby I suppose.

also a mate - who is a very hairy man - one of our mutual friends managed (in the days before easy access to Photoshop) to mock up a letter from the hospital requesting that he shave the area prior to his snip. Something that isn't actually needed but created much mirth when he arrived looking like a clearing in a particularly dense forest.

Er  ive a few.

Miss diagnosed a t12 fracture. Stood up and I fell over.

Also had my balls smothered in idoidine.  

Had a tube into my nose into my stomach. When I swallowed my nose twitched. When they pulled it out it was like i was throwing spaghetti up through my nose.

I had an artificial PIP joint put in my middle finger, under an arm block so I was awake. Forewarning - I'm a pussy.

I was not a good patient, as in I was quietly(ish) shitting myself the whole time at my finger being cut wide open and various bits of dremel action on my bones.  Noise, smells, vague sensation of being cut apart - that stuff. Think it went on for about an hour with oodles of students watching on.
The anesthetist was an absolute legend though, and kept coming into to chat to me as he realised I was a bit freaked out by it all - eventually he got to me in a state of relative calm just as the surgeon said "right, joint's in. Do you want to have a peek at it all before we stitch up?".

"**** no" apparently wasn't the answer he expected.

However, I also learned that day how utterly brilliant anesthetists are.

I broke my back and shoulder three years ago. Two things stick in my mind: 1. they got the pros from Dover* in via the air ambulance to administer the morphine & ketamine mix to get me to hospital (wow)! 2. The not so good was shitting myself (literally) in hospital and having young nurses clear it up. I’d never felt so powerless. 😢

*not actually Dover, it’s a line from M*A*S*H.

As I'm booked in for the snip soon I'm enjoying the stories.

Not a critical procedure but a funny one I think that happened to me was as folows . I was seeing a chiropracter for back pain and had been a few times . She was an attractive 30 is year old and I was about 50 at the time . Whale she was massaging my back I thought that I was going to pass wind so I said to her could you just stop for a moment , something's happening to me below the waist . It was only when I got home that I realised that she might have mis interpreted what I had said . So next week I thought that I would clarify the situation as I didn't want her to think that I had meant that I was getting a hard on . Anyway I said to her I hope you didn't think that when I said something is happening below the waist that I was getting aroused , I actually meant that I was about to fart . She was quite horrified that I might have even considered that she thought I meant that I was getting aroused and was quite embarrassed although she did share with me that once she was massaging a teenage boy and he ejaculated . I curbed the urge to ask if that was an available extra .

The words flexible cystoscopy strike fear into my core. On the plus side seeing the inside of your bladder on a video screen is a bit like watching the 1966 sci-fi film Fantastic Voyage... one the downside, well, you can imagine.

Being asked if I wanted to see my own skull before they stitched my eyebrow back together, apparently not a lot of folk get to see their own skull.
Being asked to purse my lips and blow so the nurse could find all the holes in my face when I did a spectacular faceplant on the way to work (still managed to get the Friday doughnuts and be in for just after 11).
Had a young doc pin my wrist to the arm of a chair while a registrar dug around in a hand wound without any anesthetic. The nurse suggested they stop before I started hitting folk, not sure I could have managed the pain was excruciating. Mind you I jumped to head of the consultants queue on the Monday morning as it wasn't a fight injury.

As I’m booked in for the snip soon I’m enjoying the stories.

I went for a pre-op check before mine. A woman came into the room, told me she was the surgeon who I'd be seeing when i came back for the op, then had a good old feel around the meat and two veg. Never saw her again....

If its a cold morning, and you are first on the couch, it becomes microsurgery....

A mate was using a beard trimmer to clear the area ahead of his snip - managed to slice his sack wide open. Ended up in A&E with a bloody towel holding his jewels in place.

Another mate had a circumcision the same time as his snip - one got infected, he had 3 months off work unable to wear anything more than a very baggy t-shirt.

To cheer you up, dig out the Home Improvement vasectomy episode on YouTube. Very funny.

Camera in my knob to take a sneaky peek at my bladder, not SLR sized but big enough. There were half a dozen people in the room at the time too no idea what they were all doing.

That reminds me of a mate called Bruce.
He and Mrs Bruce were getting very romantic in front of the open fire, lights off, soft music, Hessian carpet.
After rather enthusiastic romance Bruce is impressed by his own exertions and rolls over. Mrs Bruce goes to top the drinks putting a side light on. Turns out the sheen of perspiration was in fact blood. Both of them looking like something Jeffery Damer hadn't quite finished.
Turned out he'd managed to catch his old man on a sharp bit of the carpet and was fanning blood. Unfortunately to more attention it drew the less able he was to loose rigidity. Just about flaccid at hospital but the attention of nurses reversed that, which made it easier to find the minute nick.

Oh and following on from all my snip horror story, I've been on testosterone since the second operation. Tried injectios for a bit but the needles are massive, whilst the injection didn't hurt, I limped for a week after. Not much fun when injections are every two weeks. 

Lets say, when lying on my back with a broken spine, the nurses shat themselves at the size of the needle, so made the matron do them. Except the matron was a very attractive woman in her mid to late 20's having to stick a big needle into a middle aged man's ass. 

Whale she was massaging my back I thought that I was going to pass wind so I said to her could you just stop for a moment , something’s happening to me below the waist .

Not a medical story but I used to go to military style bootcamp, and one of the exercises that was frequently part of 5 minute abs that ended the session was to lie on the ground on your back with your oppo stood up, with their feet either side of your head. You grab their heels to anchor you down and raise your legs up to them, and then they throw them back at the ground, to front and sides randomly, while you have to try and stop them reaching the ground.

All going well until I can feel a fart brewing, quickly getting to 'enemy at the gates' level, and then the effort of resisting allowed a tiny squeak to pop out. I say tiny....it was enough to make the rest of the group prick up their ears in a 'was that a fart?' way.

God knows what possessed me to attempt another rep. But it certainly helped answer the question, yes, that was a fart and so was this. 

Nothing anywhere near as horrific as some of the above. Had a lumber puncture which seemingly involved having a rapier shoved in my spine. Had a endoscopy where the machine stopped working halfway up my arse passage. Second time around and there was a tricky piece of poo that the camera couldn’t get around. The mission to view my bowel was a failure.

A long time ago

(Friend rings) “Have you got any superglue?”
“Yes, why?”
“I’ve cut the end off my thumb with a kitchen knife”
“I am not taking you to A&E (in a hospital we’d both worked in) with your thumb hanging off and covered in glue. I’m coming to get you and we’re going straight there”

We got there, cadged the necessary equipment from the ED nurses (this being a long time ago when such things were accepted), and mate ended up having her thumb stitched up by a mutual acquaintance who was on call, in the doctors’ mess, without any local as that was the one thing we couldn’t blag.

When I was a surgical trainee, I removed various objects from various orifices.

I had to go to A&E as a kid because I’d wedged a Lego man’s head in my nostril.

I was in a cubicle in A&E when I first did my foot waiting for a specific surgeon to come down and assess what could be done. I was in some pain and had already had as much morphine as they would give me so I asked if they could get the surgeon NOW!!!! The nurses rushed over the the desk to discuss what to do without caring that a curtain isn't sound proof.

Nurse 1 - Can we get anyone to see him more quickly?
Boss Nurse - No, Mr XXX is an expert and we need his opinion.
Nurse 1 - But he is in cubicle 6 and is getting quite distressed.
Boss Nurse - Oh, that guy. He's going to want that amputating, send anyone then.

Fortunately MR XXX turned up a few minutes later and I didn't get the amputation but it was a thoughtful few minutes.

Well on the vasectomy front mine when wrong and I got an infection and had a supporting wound that needed a month of antibiotics. The last GP I saw was the Mam of someone in my son's primary school class. I stood there with my pants down her kneeling in front of me having a good look and taking swabs, very embarrassed. But not as embarrassed as when I saw her at the school gates later on that day🤣 Sadly I'm not shooting blanks after all that and I declined the offer of them having another go.

The other one was due to what I thought was hemeroids, but turned out to be a heamatoma on my anal sphincter. The nice lady doctor basically hand her fingers in.my arse trying to do the equivalent of squeezing a massive spot, decided she needed a scalpel in the end to nick it and get it all out! Jesus did I squeal and squirm! 🤣

The words flexible cystoscopy strike fear into my core. On the plus side seeing the inside of your bladder on a video screen is a bit like watching the 1966 sci-fi film Fantastic Voyage… one the downside, well, you can imagine.<br /><br />

I’ve had 33 of those procedures (yearly) due to breaking my spine and damaging my spinal cord 33 years ago and needing to self catheterise every time I need a piss, my penis has probably been fondled/thrown around/grasped/viewed by at least a few hundred student Dr’s in that time. I should demand an award or something.

When you’ve self catheterised at least 8 x day x 365 x 33 years (approx 100,000 times) you could prob shove a garden hose up there and I wouldn’t blink

All I can say is, thanks for sharing folks. If I meet any of you in real life please please please, unlike the medics I don't want to see your arse, meat n two veg, etc.

Mrs (Dr) a11y's told me some stories from her work that I can't repeat - nothing fazes medics it seems. You might be utterly mortified about your experience, it's likely to be nothing memorable or out the ordinary for them 🙂

Oh I have a few tales from the other side as well 🙂

Broke my neck a few years ago (C2 vertebra) and had to have a halo brace fitted.

It's screwed into your skull... In 4 places... While you're awake...

The anesthetic wasn't working on one of areas of my forehead but he had to proceed anyway.

Before he started to turn the screws, he told me to keep my eyes closed (like I wasn't planning to anyway!), because the screws go through the muscles that control your eyelids so if I didn't I wasn't going to be able to blink until it was removed again, 3 months later! 

Not sure this quite qualifies but the weirdest test I’ve ever had was an Evoked Potential Test. This basically involves starting at an alternating chess board pattern for about 20 mins whilst your brains n waves are measured. Every bit as weird as it sounds but actually quite fascinating too.

oh and if the worst test you ever have is a finger up your bum, you’re winning at life 😉

MY consultant wants me to do one of them!

In the biblical sense?

nothing fazes medics it seems

Not true. I cannot deal with anything involving fingernails.

No rich - wants me to do a defecating proctogram!

When I was a surgical trainee, I removed various objects from various orifices.

To relieve the stress when off duty? Hey, whatever works for you....😁

I genuinely had a vasectomy this morning, GP surgery, keep your socks on, no curtains, cock and balls through a hole in a cover, which sort of negates the reason for the cover, I thought it was an internal keyhole job, was a bit surprised to see what I can only described as a bit of cooked spaghetti outside of my scrotum

I also had appendicitis when I was 13/14 (so 93/94), now I have and never have any issues taking any form of medication, no needle phobia anything, so was a bit concerned to receive a suppository, assume it was some sort of systematic abuse

As one above, camera up me knob to check my bladder after traces of blood in my urine. After the doc had finished and told me to hold onto my knob to stop pissing everywhere once he withdrew the camera.

He then casually says, "whens the last time you had your prostrate checked?".

" Never", says I and am told to adopt the fetal position..............

On exiting the examination room whilst still clamping my knob and now having to clench my arse I had the indignity of having  to ask the two lovely young female trainee doctors, who had done my run ups, where the nearest toilet was before i did a two thirds grandslam.

I really can't compete with any of these above. But about 30 or so years ago I had what turned into a fairly bad bout of asthma which got worser and worserer throughout the day.  I'd even travelled 2 hours to go white water kayaking with some friends,  but ended up getting off the water after <100yards as I realised that a swim would probably have actually really killed me). 

Anyway,.many hours later, once back home, and unable to talk by then,  it was a trip to the hospital for a quick suck on some oxygen (so I thought). Which panned out to about 10 days in there, having ruptured the aveoli (the small air sacks at the ends of the pipes) in my lungs, and in hindsight was probably at more risk that I knew. 

With it, the air that escapes the burst aveoli rises up in the tissue of the chest and settles in the hollowing around the collar bone/shoulder. It's like having inexhaustible bubble wrap under your skin. All crinkly and poppy when pressed.  Great for whiling away the hours.  All week I had student nurses and doctors filing past to have a prod and a poke, as I was told it wasn't that common and mine was a 'classic' case for those learning to experience.  I was glad to assist in their education

And the one that will make your larf... this happened to my best mate, not me. It even involves biking.

Whilst playing on the bikes in a bomb hole in some woods (a real bomb-made bomb hole) he rolled through a jump too slowly. Fell off the side, landed on the stem of his bike..how we all laughed!  Then he doubled up, clutching his wedding tackle.  We laugh even more. Eventually he manages to stand, and peers into dark recesses of his pants.  The bloody, dripping dark recesses of his pants. Oh dear. 

Eventually we get to the hospital, where he really wants Hatty Jaques as the triage nurse, but gets the good looking 23 year old blonde.   

I go to get some fodder whilst he stays some time to get his todger put back together.  😱 

In my early 20s, I had an operation on a hydrocele (fluid in tissues of scrotum). Prior to that, they’d unsuccessfully drained it by inserting a large bore needle into my ballsack and drawn off the fluid, changing syringes half way through…

I once had the "exquisite pleasure" of a particularly nasty bout of epididymitis which put me in hospital for 3 weeks while they found an IV antibiotic to fix it. It was also decided they needed to knife open the scrotum to drain it and then insert a drain for a few days. Come the time to remove the drain, two lovely young nurses were sent to do the task. One to wield the scalpel and one to hold my hand. I'm not sure who was sweating most.

As I’m booked in for the snip soon I’m enjoying the stories.

Before I had mine I came here looking to see from other people's experiences how much it would effect returning to riding ... eye-opening stories!

In my case it was actually quite good. There's a GP 30 mins drive from me in a very quiet village. Every Friday for the last 30-something years he's run a private snip clinic and my GP recommended him to me. It was very casual and apart from the GP receptionist he was the only person I saw.

Literally, pop your clothes on the bench, jump on the bed, injection, slice, burning bacon smell, stitch, repeat.

It was March 2020 and so we chatted about COVID and somehow got onto butterflies. When I told him that we have an abundance of host vines for a rare butterfly species he got very interested and wanted me to give him some seeds (yes I get the irony). I think i'm not allowed to that without a license, so I had an awkward moment where I'm trying to work out how to say no to a man who is literally holding my knackers.

Not bad but funny...

I once had to have a doctor shove his finger up my bum to check for anything out of the ordinary.

I asked him if it was going to hurt... He just looked at me dead in the eye whilst lubing his gloved finger and said "it's gonna hurt me a lot more than it hurts you".

Just had a thought about another one from myself, not critical, not horrific but certainly hilarious

short version “I got caught taking a pic of my unfeasibly large testicle by a dr and 3 students”

Long version below

Way back in 2008 I posted up on here regarding this incident so some of you may remember my thread.

Got an infection in my bladder, no big deal as I self catheterise so get them all the time but the antibiotics don’t work and my left bollock seems to be swelling up, pay no heed as I probably injured it out on a ride earlier but over the next few days it continues to swell to such an extent that I can’t wear jeans/pants/boxers and I’m walking funny. Friend mentions of such a thing as a testicle torsion, where the testicle gets twisted and blood supply shuts off, testicle dies.  So I decide to go to A&E, but it was a Sat evening in Dumfries and A&E was mobbed so I went home, called my local doc on Monday (he cycles/i cycle, we both live in small Galloway town so know each other well) and explain the issue, he says get up here now. I head up and show him my bollock, he inspects it and declares an infection of the epididymis leading to epididymitis, a swelling in the tube behind the testicle and sends me off to Dumfries hospital, he’s on the phone to them as I leave, go straight to hospital , do not pass go etc…etc.

By this point I’ve had a testicle that’s been increasing in size for a week or so and it’s becoming increasingly painful and I can only take short steps as it throbs like hell when it swings against my leg (I’m wearing baggy joggers).

I get to hospital, find the correct ward, present myself at the desk and explain who I am and I’m shown a bed in a ward of 3 others. Curtains get pulled and I’m told to wait for the Dr, I get bored and get up, go and ask where I can get coffee and I get given one in a mug from the nurses station so make my way back to bed, I txt my gf at the time and say where I am (she’s on holiday), she doesn’t believe me and doesn’t believe my testicle is the size of an orange so I go to prove it to her by attempting to take a pic, I stand up (curtains still closed at this point) and drop joggers, lift up hoody and try to take a pic but a testicle doesn’t really show up when hanging down (camera phones were shit in 08), I have the bright idea of laying my testicle on the upper/downy bed table, as I’m positioning my testicle in just the right way to get a good pic I realise I could sit it on my coffee mug as it’s far too big to fit in it, and it would give her an idea of size/scale. I manage to position it just perfectly, looks like an off colour ruby grapefruit perched atop a beige coffe mug and just as I’m taking a photo the curtain gets drawn back  and there stands the Dr with 3 young students and the ward nurse…..all female. I blurt out, “my girlfriend doesn’t believe it’s the size of an orange, I’m taking a pic to prove it”.  The Dr very solemnly says “ I’ll give you a minute to get sorted” and pulls the curtain back. I can hear much giggling and muffled laughter.

Intravenous antibiotics for a week and provided entertainment for the nurses and staff, even more so when Tom (tom cutting - used to be on here) mailed me a package of very large red plums to the ward (m&s finest no less)

I’ve got another one regarding my few months spent in Edenhall spinal unit, Musselburgh back in 1991 (two old army Nissan huts used as spinal unit in area of hospital grounds), involving a long hill out of the area where the unit was with speed bumps at bottom, two paralysed from waist down drunk & stoned idiots in wheelchairs and a race to the gate 300 yards away at the bottom of the hill, all was going fantastic till we both hit the speed bumps at a decent rate of knots then we realised the folly of our actions as we flew from the chairs, who’d have thought wheelchairs can’t do speed bumps? and landed on our faces making a helluva mess, I lost two lower teeth which opened up my lower lip, there was blood everywhere, Brian’s nose seemed to be everywhere on his face apart from where it should be but we could do **** all as we couldn’t move. We were found 30 odd minutes later as they did the night rounds and found us missing……..we got a helluva bollocking for that one and we both needed surgery the next day. Edenhall was a cracking place, beautiful grounds, loadsa good memories but mostly because I eventually managed to walk out of it unaided.

I have the bright idea of laying my testicle on the upper/downy bed table, as I’m positioning my testicle in just the right way to get a good pic I realise I could sit it on my coffee mug as it’s far too big to fit in it, and it would give her an idea of size/scale.

That's a coffee to keyboard interface moment!

Pffft, mrs_oab has given birth three times. You lot have nothing on her....

Not a procedure story, but........

I was recovering in hospital after a C5/C6 fusion. Due to having medical insurance with work, it was in a rather nice private hospital. Staffed by a seemingly endless procession of young, beautiful, blonde nurses.

My girlfriend (now wife) had been coming in to visit, every day at 2pm on the dot. This day, she managed to get there around 11am.

We're chatting about the usual stuff, when two of the aforementioned nurses come into my room and start reading my charts..

"Andrew" (Not Mr5390), one of them says, in a soft husky voice, "We've noticed you haven't showered since your op (3 days), if you're struggling, WE can help you if you'd like"

Both nurses are standing smiling at me, their eyes looking right into my soul. My mouth tries desperately to reply, but it won't work. I turn to look at my GF, who is also looking at me. But differently. The kind of look that says YOU FU**ING DARE.

I turn back to the nurses and meekly reply "It's okay, I'll manage" and lie there as an unfulfilled dream walks out the door. My GF now has some kind of triumphant smile on her face.

I showered alone later that afternoon.

In my own tears

It'll be 27 years on March 12th

I have the bright idea of laying my testicle on the upper/downy bed table, as I’m positioning my testicle in just the right way to get a good pic I realise I could sit it on my coffee mug as it’s far too big to fit in it, and it would give her an idea of size/scale

A carriage of train passengers are now wondering what I'm reading

When I broke my ankle there were two events at the hospital which created lasting memories. First one was after surgery, doctor came in and told that "it was quite a mess, we managed to get it together fairly well on third attempt and called it a day. One bone fragment is missing but it will disappear over time". There was hardware for few Ikea cupboards in my ankle.

Second event was related to nurses cupboard being run out of regular sized catheters and only large ones left.

Just dropping in at the end of page two to acknowledge that I could only get about 6 posts in and then had to bail. Good luck with the rest of your thread.

I got a piece of rusty metal in my eye which, I assumed, would work its way out. It didn't and the surface of the eye (sclera?) grew over it. Via a visit to the doctors, I eventually ended up strapped to a chair with some kind of Clockwork Orange-esque fitting around my head. The doctor put some local anaesthetic in my eye and proceeded to try to dig the piece of metal out with a small needle, all the time saying 'Don't move! Don't move!' How the hell he expected me not to attempt to move when I had a needle about to be poked into my eye I will never know.

Did I tell you I have a mild phobia of needles?

Just dropping in at the end of page two to acknowledge that I could only get about 6 posts in and then had to bail. 

Indeed. I was expecting a mix of arseholes and bollocks, same as most threads. But this is really not for the squeamish. I'm not going to try to complete, though it has brought back a memory of having a minor (to them, not me) op to remove a varicocoel (extra lump in the bollyhocks region) in my early 20s. In those days that involved a stay the night before. I was woken early by a big bald bloke attaching a strop - a thick leather strap) to the metal bedframe above my head, and proceeding to start sharpening a cutthroat razor above my face. 

When I asked what he was doing, he said he was going to give me a shave. I felt my chin (this was the early 80s, back when there were pubes) . Er no. I really shouldn't have asked about his hospital badge: hairdresser.

I paid a bloke £50 to lop off my cock and balls completely...

As I’m booked in for the snip soon I’m enjoying the stories

I've been thinking about it and this thread but moreso a similar running thread on a footy forum I go on which is, how shall we say it, far more leniently moderated than this place, has literally scared me to death reading the horror stories on there. Balls swelling to the size of pool balls and turning as black as the 8 ball after botched snips etc.

I'd tell you anyone particularly bad dental experience but I'm getting PTSD just thinking about it. Dentists are now my one phobia

Sitting on the edge of the operating table while the anaethetist worked out where to stick the large needle for the nerve block needed for the scheduled TURP. I'm told not to move as a miss could be a bit of a problem, there's a lovely theatre assistant supporting my shoulders to encourage the correct posture.

Anaethetist finds the right spot and I kick the nice young man in front of me as the reflex is triggered. We had a bit of a laugh as the consultant poked his head around the screen and decides I'm raving and need to go under general. Anaethetist says no (good man as the surgeon is the only man my wife has denigrated in their hearing, thinks he's god and no people skills) and TURP begins once we establish that I can't feel my feet.

Knees up with some tugging and pulling sensations for 30 minutes or so deep within me. Consultant then says he has to stop as any more removal will cause too much bleeding and slow recovery and now we'll put the catheter in.

Modesty by-pass a complete success!

ended up strapped to a chair with some kind of Clockwork Orange-esque fitting around my head. The doctor put some local anaesthetic in my eye and proceeded to try to dig the piece of metal out with a small needle, all the time saying ‘Don’t move! Don’t move!’

I have similar experience - the operation was so horrible that I couldn't really speak for rest of the day, just from the horror of the situation.

Lolz@andy

The doctor put some local anaesthetic in my eye and proceeded to try to dig the piece of metal out with a small needle, all the time saying ‘Don’t move! Don’t move!

Occasionally I had to assist an AMD clinic which involves injecting into the sclera, for most of the patients it was pretty routine, but it certainly sticks in the mind the first time you see it.

Scud is an old army nickname, my more common nickname amongst friends is Lucky Dick, mainly due to the fact i have stab wound (kitchen knife as a chef), shot with blank round, frostbite burns and a brake lever through my leg all within a couple of inches of little Scud..

I managed to stick the brake lever through my leg riding down part of the Road of Death in Bolivia, back wheel on cheap hire bike disintegrated and i went off dislocating shoulder, breaking arm and lever through leg. They screwed shoulder back on and re-located shoulder, but woke up next day in La Paz hospital in pool of blood as they'd missed leg wound.... they took me off to surgery with the sheets they place around the bit to be operated on, perfectly framing my bits and wheeled me through ladies ward to surgery.

The frostbite i randomly got working in a chicken and turkey abattoir as a student, second day on job and we had to carry the segmented chickens from packaging room at about +5 degrees into room where they were frozen down, got into taxi at the end of the day and was in extreme pain, basically the sweat froze on legs and groin as i was carrying between the two on thighs, went to York hospital and they asked if they could send me to burns unit in Leeds so they could "have a look", cue a constant line of student doctors coming to have a look at me as i sat there with my trolleys round my ankles..... they'd not seen frostbite outside of extremities before..i think i'm still in a few textbooks for that one!

For those of you that have not had membership of Club AF, one way that it can be addressed is RF ablation, essentially very focussed microwaving of the heart tissue around the pulmonary veins.

To get to where this needs to happen, at least with my op, they put a canula into your right femoral vein (the big one in your thing) at the groin and then shove the RF probe up that vein, through the wall of your heart (right atrium to left atrium) then zap around the pulmonary veins. This is mostly done under local, but the feeling of the probe zapping was like being stabbed with a pin in my chest, so I eventually asked for sedation.

That's not the fun part. You're on blood thinners for a long time before, during and after the zapping, so it bleeds and the immediate recover process is to lie down for an hour so the hole gels a bit, then sit up for a hour with a sandbag on for an hour, then have the dressing taken off. When the nurse came to take mine off, it had not gelled properly so blurted a healthy flow of blood onto the bed. Back to a dressing and sandbag.

STILL NOT THE FUN PART.

The fun part was the haematoma, the big mass of trapped blood under the skin. The nurse came to explain that it needed to be drained and did I want that to happen now, or tomorrow. I was on a ward with a bunch of old guys that had had heart bypasses and every single one said "Now". So I said "Now please". Said nurse then jammed a fist into my groin over the site and put his entire upper body weight onto it. Even breaking my arm was not so immediately painful. That filling where the block did not take and the dentist had to inject local into the exposed root? Pah, easy!  No, this was painful; my fingers nearly went through the mattress.

Afterwards I had a bruise that was about the size of a dinner plate around my crotch.

Shout out to Papworth Hospital. Love your work.

thought of another one - one that really did embarrass me

40 ish years ago I had a hernia repair - open surgery in those day meaning 3 days in hospital.  I was already working as a nurse and was given the choice of going into the hospital I worked at which I took as I could then skip waiting lists.  Post op I was gasping for a fag so sneaked off into the toilets to have one - and of course I passed out!  I was found by a bank nurse on the floor with my trousers round my ankles.  Felt pretty stupid.<br />When I got back to work 3 months later my first shift back who was working on my ward?  The same bank nurse  Oops

in hospital for an MRI for a back injury - considerable pain so on some decent painkillers - told to go to a cubicle down the corridor to remove clothes and put on a gown and to return to the waiting area, so remove clothes, put on the gown but being not entirely with it I put it on like a coat (wrong way round so somewhat exposed) - and then got confused about where the waiting area was. Turns out I’d wandered towards the geriatric ward and was found by a stern nurse who gave me a second gown to put on the correct way round and ‘escorted’ back to where i was supposed to be.

Th one that sticks in my mind and always will tbf is I had just been wheeled down for open heart surgery, doc said my op would be about 6 and a half hours.
I'm lay on the bed in the room to be prepped for surgery, shitting myself and the anesthetist and his helper are shaving bits of my chest and arms for the pads to go on to monitor me.
It come to the bit where he was trying to insert a cannula to feed the anesthetic in and i moved a little bit and he tore my vein, I looked down and my arm was pissing with blood like I've never seen before. I could feel the panic they were both showing on their faces. Not good when you are about to have that sort of surgery!!
Luckily they found another vein and I was put to sleep very quickly !

Too late to change the thread title to "Things wot 'ave been shoved up my todger?"

Good effort folks, the humour in these is superb!

The punchline to mine is, "how straight was it before?"

I’ve been thinking about it and this thread but moreso a similar running thread on a footy forum I go on which is, how shall we say it, far more leniently moderated than this place, has literally scared me to death reading the horror stories on there.

Don't let the stories put you off. I found having the snip to be lower on the pain scale than having my teeth polished/de-scaled. I'd have it done once a month if I could - Friday afternoon off work for the procedure and then strict instructions to lie on the sofa all weekend and do absolutely nothing - bliss!

First chest drain by a medical student whilst I was high on fentanyl. She was nervous, I didn't care. the Consultant was the star of 24h in A&E. How we laughed as she stabbed away. This was after the CT scan that looked like I'd eaten a phone, multitool and CO2 canisters!

BIL had his hip replacement under local anaesthetic wearing some headphones. Can still hear the saw, apparently. He was fine and walking within a day!

Years ago, i fractured occipital bone and my nose with someone elses head playing rugby, fracture ran up to the eye socket itself, so to have a good look around, they removed eyeball and left it kinda dangling on nerve, weird feeling to see straight forwards with one eye and down with the other!

As I’m booked in for the snip soon I’m enjoying the stories.

Don't worry it's not all horror stories, they're just the ones you read about.
Mine went fine, healed nicely, no issues at all. Aside from getting your balls out in front of strangers, but compared to the stories on here that's nothing to be concerned with.
I was advised not to drive, so got my wife to drive along with 3 young children in the car. They dropped me off and nipped in to town. I was all done and out in about an hour so they picked me back up and, as the clinic was close to the coast, suggested fish and chips on the seafront. I was still fully numb at that point, so foolishly agreed. By the time we were sitting on the pebble beach the anaesthetic was wearing off very quickly and I was regretting my decisions. That was a very long car ride home and I felt every bump. All while being constantly reminded that she'd had 3 cesarians every time I winced!