Crap jokes

I sat semaphore exam the other day. Passed with flying colours.

What good things do you know about Switzerland? Not many, though the flag’s a big plus.

I've just got a pair of smart Wi-Fi enabled garden shears.

They're cutting hedge technology.

We’re disappointed with you as you have not only let your mum and dad down but you’ve let yourself down as well.

The same little inflatable boy took a drawing pin into the inflatable school - that obviously didn't go well. The inflatable teacher told the inflatable boy - 'You've let me down, you've let yourself down and you've let the whole school down"

Not so much a joke as a riposte from a gay colleague:
'John, I've got a mouth like the bottom of a birdcage'
'Have you had a cockatoo in it?'

Seeing as there are so many Tim Vine classics on this thread, did you know he's Jeremy Vine's brother? True story:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Vine

A woman walks into a bar and ask the barman for a Double Entendre.

So he gives her one.

I lived in a flat with three girls until they found out...

A Milton Jones classic

What do call a German rent collector?
Karl Bach
What do you call a Hungarian vet?
Kutzkatz knackersoff

I’ve just got a pair of smart Wi-Fi enabled garden shears.

They’re cutting hedge technology.

*wheeze*

what do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a swimming pool?

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who swims the Atlantic?

A clever dick.

A woman walks into a bar and ask the barman for a Double Entendre.

So he gives her one.

Then a band roadie came in, and he gave her one too.

She was a Morse Code Operator. Just like her dad.

She di-dit because her dah-dah di-dit.

A Glesga punter walks intae a bakers an sez - "Zat a donut or a merangue?"

The baker sez - "Naw, yer right. It's a donut"

A woman walks into a bar and ask the barman for a Double Entendre.

So he gives her one.

She later went into a pizza place and asked for a Zen Pizza. So they made her one with everything.

Seeing as there are so many Tim Vine classics on this thread, did you know he’s Jeremy Vine’s brother? True story:

Clue's in the name.

Two fish in a tank.
One says "have you got a licence to drive this thing?"

What’s brown and sticky and runs around a field?
A fence.

The inventor of the Ferris wheel never met the inventor of the merry-go-round.
They moved in different circles.

What do you call a woman juggling pints of beer? Beatrix.
What do you call a woman juggling pints while making crockery? Beatrix Potter.

Can anyone here tie a rope using telekinesis?

Thought knot.

I just won an award at work for "Most Secretive Guy In The Office."

I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Cougar

Seeing as there are so many Tim Vine classics on this thread, did you know he’s Jeremy Vine’s brother? True story:

Clue’s in the name.

Tim? - no way would I guess it from that!!!

Horse walks into a bar. Been there every day for a week, always drinks straight whiskey. Bartender hesitantly says "Mr. Horse, I'm concerned. You may be an alcoholic". Horse says "me? An alcoholic? I think NOT!"

Poof, horse disappears into thin air.

What do you call a woman juggling pints while making crockery? Beatrix Potter.

I always knew that joke as 'What do you call a woman juggling pints while playing pool'? 🙂

How do mexican’s keep warm?
They use chicken fajita’s!!

Lollipop ladies.

They make me cross.

I feel the same about russian dolls. They're so full of themselves

Who makes the best curry soup in northern Ireland?

Mullingar Tony

erm... Mullingar is in RoI

Hes FROM Mullingar, lives in Pho-rtrush

What do you call a blind deer?
No eyed deer.

(Extrapolate, build up)

What do you call a no legged, no eared, on fire, blind deer in a layby in a southern European country?

Still deaf in Italy flaming no eyed deer by the way.

Geordie is walking through the jungle with his mate when he hears a distant drumming sound.

"Is them war drums?", he says.
"No", says his mate, "I think they are theirs".

Bloke goes to the doctor.
Doctor: “you’re going to have to stop masturbating”
Bloke: “why?”
Doctor: “because I’m trying to examine you”

Two fish in a tank.
One says “have you got a licence to drive this thing?”

^ that's so an April fools...

"Doctor (parp!), you've (parp!) got to help me (parp!) but every (parp!) time (parp!) I speaks I (parp!) can't (parp!) stop (parp!) farting. Do you (parp!) know what (parp!) to do?

- doctor disappears and returns shortly with a pole with a large hook on the end

"Jesus Christ (parp!), what are you (parp!) going to do (parp!) with that (harrruuuuummppphhhhh!)

- Open a window, it ****ing stinks in here!

What do you call a guy with no arms or legs that lies on the floor?
Matt.

Oi.
I resemble that joke

Being a Matt also, I once cheekily moaned that I'm not something you wipe your feet on when my name was given only one t.
"Oh, so your something dull and flat then?"

Can't win.

from one of the kids this morning....

Who is investigating the sweet shop robberies?

Sherbert Holmes.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park man.

What flies in the air and wobbles?

A jellycopter.

Q: How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Toucan do it.

(I feel no crap jokes thread would be complete without some light bulb jokes)

Why did the monkey get lost?

Junglis[t] massive.

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse?

Warren

What do you call a man, knee-deep in sh*t?

Wade.

(I feel no crap jokes thread would be complete without some light bulb jokes)

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but god knows how they got in there.

What do you call a man, knee-deep in sh*t?

Wade.

Neil?

How many Smiths fans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, there is a light that will never go out.

If anyone's got any tips on how to reverse cheap plastic surgery, I'm all ears.

Help! I'm covered in chameleons and no-one believes me.

How many Apple employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
Have you turned the light off and on again?
Have you uninstalled and reinstalled the lightbulb?
Hmm. We've got the same kind of lightbulb in our office and it works fine🤷‍♂️ You'll have to upgrade to Lightbulb 15, that will be £900 please.

I sat semaphore exam the other day. Passed with flying colours.

I tried a semaphore course but found it hard work. Twenty minutes in and I was flagging....

The ‘T’ in T-shirt stands for Tyranosaurus.

its because they have short arms

I know it's a long shot but does anyone know what a trebuchet is?

Why is the sand wet?

Because the sea weed

Money must be tight as I've just had Waffles for breakfast.

I loved that cat.

Took my goldfish to the vets as think it has epilepsy. Vet claimed there’s nothing wrong with it. I said “you’ve not even taken it out of the tank yet”

As child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat handfuls of soil 3 times a day to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it

Elton John takes his pet rabbit with him to the gymn.

It's a little fit bunny.

My mate told me he wants to go to the Sahara to dig deep holes in the desert to get water for the locals. I know he means well.

When the doctor said there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.

When the doctor said there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse.

You sold the laugh at those with dyslexia, if you have it it's not very furry

Old McDonald had tourettes, eee aye eee aye shit arse bollox....

I went on a date with a girl called Simile - it wasn't a great date.

I dont know what i metaphor

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb!

Man walks into a pub

Ouch!

it was an iron pub

Man walks into a pub

Ouch!

it was a metal pub

A couple of non pc ones...

What's the smallest pub in the world....the Thalidomide arms

Never buy a dwarf with learning difficulties...it's not big and it's not clever

What’s a Pirate’s favourite letter?

R!?

You’d think so, but it’s actually the C!

MAN: i’m leaving you

WOMAN: is this about the hokey pokey again

MAN: *clenching fist* that’s what it’s ALL about

The man who wrote the Hokey Cokey has died. .... blah blah, coffin, left leg in, etc.

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can get to sleep with a light on.

Bus load of tourists stops by a field in New Zealand to the see the farmer getting jiggy with one his ewes.

"Are you shearing?" they ask.

"Nah, **** off go and find your own".

An ancient greek walks into a tailors with some torn trousers

"Euripedes?" asks the tailor

"Yep, Eumenides?" replies the greek

A Roman walks into a bar, promptly sticks two fingers up at the barman and says ‘Five beers please.’

My wife asked me to stop constantly quoting Oasis lyrics. I said ‘Maybe.’

After that she begged me to stop quoting The Monkees. I thought she was joking, but then I saw her face.

She finally had enough and left, siting my unhealthy obsession with Linkin Park. Obvs I’m gutted but in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

No-one's done the pig one yet.

What do you call a pig with three eyes?

Piiig.

Did you hear about the Yorkshire dentist arrested for drug trafficking?
He was caught distributing e by gum.......

What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

Ones a marsupial, the other is a geordie stick in a lift

A man was found beaten to death with a chicken.
The police suspect fowl play....

Police have apprehended the person responsible for the recent spate of battery thefts.
They're waiting to charge him.....

Is he currently in the cells?