[Closed] Crap joke Friday

What did the bra say to the hat?

You go ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

When vultures fly long distance, do they take carrion luggage?

My wife is worried that I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid but I reckon I can stop any time I like.

Went to the zoo.

In one enclosure was a table with freshly made toast on a plate!?!?!?

The sign said it was bread in captivity

Sorry been done

What goes down but doesn't come up?

A yo.

What’s the difference between genital herpes and true love?

herpes is forever

My latest T shirt slogan is, Autistic children rock!

What did the horse say to the legless jockey?

How are you getting on?

I hope that one day we can rid the world of plagiarism.

You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one.

I'm off on holiday next week which is causing me some concern because every time I go through customs I have to have a drink.

I'm borderline alcoholic.

I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?

I saw a man with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit's feet earlier, trying to get it up a hill.

I thought, he's pushing his luck.

I took two stuffed dogs onto "Flog It."
The expert examined them and said,"They're a fine example of the celebrated Johns Brothers of London.Taxidermists whose work is very sought after."
"Do you know what they might fetch if they were in good condition?"asks the expert.
I said, "Yes. Sticks"

My car failed its emissions test today.

Absolutely fuming.

Elton John's tribute song to Mother Theresa?

Sandals in the bin.

I paid a dyslexic working girl fifteen quid the other day. She took me round the back of the Co-op and cooked my sock.

I have weird hay fever. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. The doctor asked if I was taking anything for it, I said, "yes, pepper."

Sad news..

At the Nestle factory today a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...

He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted "The milky bars are on me" everyone cheered.

A group of chess enthusiasts were kicked out of a hotel reception for discussing their winning games.

The manager can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Where do you get camel milk from?

A dromedairy.

My old maths teacher was terrified of negative numbers. He'd stop at nothing to avoid them.

A girl in my office has been visiting a personal trainer for a year now in preparation for her wedding.

I thought "how long is the aisle going to be?"

People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I remember the first time I used my Universal Remote Control; amazing. I thought "this changes everything"

I went to the Black Country Museum last weekend and visited the working blacksmiths.

When I asked if I could have a go at making a horseshoe he asked me if I’d ever shoe'd a horse before.

I replied “no, but I once told a donkey to eff off”.

My grandfather drowned in a barrel of varnish.

it was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

What sits on your shoulder and says "pieces of seven, pieces of seven"?

A parroty error

What sits on your shoulder and says “pieces of seven, pieces of seven”?

A parroty error

That's one of my all-time favourite geek jokes.

I'd tell you a joke about UDP, but I don't know if you'd get it.

I was on a night out at the end of last week when I spotted Elton John, so i punched him square in the face.

He called the police and had me arrested, the two faced bastard!

I’d tell you a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if you’d get it.

You'd better tell me the TCP joke then.

I saw Prince Charles and Camilla heading for Cornwall yesterday on the motorway hogging the middle lane and had no option but to undertake them...

I passed the Duchy on the left hand side.

What is a Shih tzu?

One with no animals in it.

I’d tell you a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if you’d get it.

I got offered a job on the back of that joke... A classic

What's an 'ig'?

An igloo without a toilet.

DrP

Two Whales got out of a Van wearing shorts and helmets

i soon realised they were Bike Park Whales

^^

Ah, that old chesnut. My granddad used to tell me that joke when I was a wee nipper..

DrP

Have you been hit with a rhythm stick?

You may be entitled to personal Ian Dury compensation

How d'you get two whales in a Mini?

Down the M6 to Liverpool and turn right.

503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

502.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Open door, put elephant in, close door.

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

The giraffe. He's still in the fridge.

Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators, with no bridge and no boat. Sally swims across safely. How?

The alligators are all at the party.

Sally dies anyway. Why?

She got hit in the head by a falling brick...

Eskimo 1 "Whats for dinner?"

Eskimo 2 "Vera Lynn Burgers"

Eskimo 1 "Oh no. Not whale meat again"

I realised the other day that I use words like "moreover," "therefore" and "however" far too often. I think I must be suffering from conjunctivitis.

I found the origami porn channel, it was pay per view!

I'm learning to speak Indian at the moment. Sari seems to be the hardest word.

I'm going to Greenwich this week. Not sure what to do in the meantime.

You are on a desert island with three natives…One always lies, one always tells the truth, one tells lies and truth as he sees fit.  They can only answer “ya” and “da” but you don't know which is “yes” and which is “no”.

The question is... Why didn't you go to Center Parcs like last year?

Man says to wife" my bumhole is really burning "

Wife says" ring sting"

Man" what the **** will he do about it"

I’ve got a big weekend ahead of me - I’m entering the world’s tightest hat competition.

I Just hope I can pull it off.

Man says to wife” my bumhole is really burning ”

Wife says” ring sting”

Man” what the **** will he do about

<span style="font-size: 0.8rem;">it”</span>

Well, he does work the black seam.

Typical. No-one’s turned up to Camouflage Club. Again!

It's Wednesday.

Why don't ants get corona virus?

Cos they have anty bodies.

How do you know when you e been threatened by the existentialist mafia?

they make you an offer you can’t understand.

I know a 26"er joke, but it's not up to modern standards.

During lockdown were locksmiths classed as key workers?

Guy goes to the doc not feeling his usual best, the doc says first things first we need a urine sample,faecal sample and a semen sample
Can I just leave my pants at reception he replied

I'm giving up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?

What's another name for a thesaurus?

Did you hear about the agrophobic homosexual? He came out then went back in again.

My bathroom sponge won't have anything to do with me. Then I realised, I'd bought aloofa.

My friend told me to cheer up, and that it could be worse.

He said you could be underground in a hole full of water.

He means well.

My friend just broke up with her longtime boyfriend because she found out he was a communist.

She should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

My mate has just been been sacked from his job with the council roads department. He had been stealing some of the equipment and taking it home.

It came as quite a surprise when I first heard, but thinking back to the last time I was at his house, all the signs were there.

A snob, an Islamophobe and a glutton go into a pub and the barman says, 'What will it be Boris?'

11 year old son told me this the other day

What do you call a bunch of transgender women?

The X-Men

I just saw Elvis at the customer service desk in B&Q

Returned a sander.

The penguin had his bail reduced.

The judge determined he wasn't a flight risk.

Whats brown and sticky?

Parcel tape

The owner of my local Chinese takeaway has been delighted to announce that his wife is expecting their eighth child.
All of their children so far have been girls, but Mr Wong is so sure that it will be a boy that he has decided to name him in honour of his favourite American president.

Personally, i don't share his optimism.

As everyone knows, two wongs don't make a Dwight...

when Harry Houdini was young and learning his trade, almost every trick he did involved a trap door.

Trap door trick here. trap door trick there.

But it was OK... it was just a stage he was going through.

A young lad asked his dad if he could explain what a solar eclipse was. The dad replied, "No son."

What do you call a computer that sings?

A Dell

Husband and wife at home of an evening.

Phone rings

Husband answers it, listens briefly, says "Why would I know? Call the Met Office!" and puts the phone down.

Wife says "Who was that honey?"

"No idea, some idiot wanting to know if the coast is clear"

I saw this advert in a window that said: "Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full."

I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Man walks into a bakery in Glasgow and says: "Is that a donut or a meringue?" The baker says: "Naw, ye were right the first time."

What's pink and hangs out of your pyjamas? Your feet.
What's pink and hard in the morning? The FT crossword.

What's long, thin and pink and goes into tarts? Rhubarb.

My old dad used to say: "The first rule of theatre is to always leave them wanting more." Lovely bloke - terrible anaesthetist.

Wife says to husband 'I've just found some bondage magazines under our son's bed, What shall we do?'

Husband says ' I'm no expert, but I wouldn't spank him'.

Apparent!y loads of people missed the deadline to sign up for
free self-harm counselling sessions at our local village hall.

Bet they're really kicking themselves now....