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What do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?
Wipe it off and say sorry.
What do you do if you see a herd of elephants coming over the hill? Swim
there are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who dont
What lives on the serengeti and comes in pints?
Elephants
There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary, those who don't and those who knew this joke was in ternary
How do you confuse an idiot?
Purple
What's 40ft long and reeks of piss ?
Conga dance at the old folks home
What did Kermit the frog say when Jim Henson died? Nothing.
what's brown and sticky?
my Beyoncé poster
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two: One to change the bulb while the other one holds his penis - err, no, ladder
I was in the hotel restaurant and the waiter asked me if I’d like any toast. “Yes please,” I replied.
“White or brown?”
“All toast is brown, that’s bread you’re thinking of.”
Not getting this one. Is it another film reference?
How many Big Hitters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just the one. They just hold up the bulb and the whole world revolves around them.
Bloke goes into the doctors and says "I'd like you to look at my penis." So the doctor puts on a a pair of gloves and tells him to drop his trousers. After a couple of minutes of close examination she says "Well, I can't see anything wrong with it. "
"I know" says the bloke "It's ****ing magnificent isn't it!"
Two cannibals eating Bernard Manning. One says, "Do you think this tastes funny?"
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, those who can count in hexadecimal and... oh, f the rest!
What's the difference between an ontologist and an entomologist?
.
.
.
.
An ontologist knows the difference.
Went to the zoo and saw a baguette in an enclosure; the zoo keeper said it was bread in captivity.
Another joke about bread. Bin done...
I posted this joke a few months ago, but it is worthy of a second outing...
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
There is a sausage and an egg in a frying pan,
The egg says " its hot in here"
The sausage replies " **** me, a talking egg!"
ignore that last one, it's saturday
Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"
oh! nevermind,
2 Parrots on a Perch
One says to the other, " can you smell fish?"
@GlannQuagmire - Scandanavian - hilarious. Far too good for this thread.
I'm only eating bread and trilbies at the moment.
I'm on a loaf hat diet.
Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp....
He bought a warehouse.
A man goes to his doctor because he has a lettuce sticking out of his backside.
“That looks nasty” says the doctor.
“It’s the tip-off the iceberg"
"Don't worry says" the doctor "I'll put a dressing on it"
A man walks into a pub
ouch
it was an iron pub
Did you hear about the dyslexic girl?
She choked on her own Vimto.
Why did Nivea Cream? Cos Max Factor.
I've been happily married now for 20 years. O knew she was keeper the moment I met her .
She was wearing massive gloves.
<p><br></p>
In took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. My dad took me to one side and said "Good work lad, I reckon she's a keeper."
"That's nice Dad, " I replied "what makes you say that?"
"She smells of elephant shit."
My granddad was killed by a Zulu.
He was having a shit at Whipsnade and the roof fell on him.
I took a shortcut through the cemetery this morning and saw a man crouched down behind a gravestone.
"Morning" I said
"No," he replied "I'm having a shit."
How do you find Will Smith in the Arctic?
Fresh Prints.
This chap said to me "Shall we talk about diaries"?
I said "Yes, Letts".
===
Here's a bit of advice. Advi.
===
Was anyone else sick of all those Commonwealth Games athletes banging on about all the sacrifices they've made and the thousands of hours of training they've done? I mean what is it these people want, some sort of medal.
I don't know what all the fuss about same sex marriage these days...
Me and the wife have been having the same sex for years
What did the Spanish fireman call his two sons?
.
.
José and Hose B
I just hate it when your finger goes through the toilet paper when wiping.
But other than that I am really enjoying my new job in the old peoples home.
I spent a couple of hours at my wife's grave this morning....
Bless her! She thinks i'm digging a new garden pond
There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator - but only a fraction of people will find this funny
How do Mexicans keep warm?
they use chicken fajita’s!
what kind of bee’s make milk?
boobies!
what d’ya call a Sikh who likes karaoke?
Gerrupta Singh!
I gave my wife a fridge for her birthday. You should have seen her face light up when she opened it.
My grandad died last week, we'd just rubbed lard all over his back, he went down hill fast after that.
I went to a new Indian restaurant in Cheam village last night called Karma.
There are no menus, they just give you what you deserve
Following on from the Indian restaurant I decided to become a fruitarian; I can eat anything that “falls from a tree”.
So far today I've eaten three cooking apples and an owl.
Little Johnny walks into school on Tuesday after being absent on Monday.
Teacher: Where were you yesterday Johnny?
Johnny: Sorry Miss, Grandad got burned?
Teacher: Badly?
Johnny: Yes Miss, they don't mess about at the crematorium.
Help! I'm covered in chameleons and no-one believes me!
Social media eh? I'm not sure if I understand this trend of celebrities trying to “break” the internet with high volumes of traffic.
Last week it was Kim Kardashian who Tweeted a number of selfies. She didn't break it but apparently she did leave a large visible crack.
I have a chicken proof lawn.
It's impeccable.
There's a nudist convention in town next week.
Might go along if I've got nothing on.
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
I thought these jokes were supposed to be crap
Some cracking jokes here, keep it up 🙂
.
What’s black and white and moans?
A nun with a monk on.
I started up a yacht building business in my loft.
Sales are going through the roof.
What’s pink and hard?
Pig with a flick knife
Bloke goes into a pet shop and asks “Have you got a Manx cat?”
”No,” says the owner “but I can make you one.”
Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
because he wanted to see her crack
...
What do you call a sarcastic cowboy?
Tex Piss
I've got a dog called blacksmith
Every time I kick him up the arse, he makes a bolt for the door
I also have a pet salamander called Tiny
He's my newt
Are you a planet? Because you're pulling me towards you.
I told my wife a joke about bukkake but she didn't get it.
It went straight over her head.
Have YOU been made to walk 500 miles?
Were YOU advised to walk 500 more?
YOU may be due compensation - call the Pro Claimers NOW
Been hit on the head by a rhythm stick?
You might be able to claim for a personal Ian Dury.
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers
My son was really dissapointed at school yesterday,as a birthday treat another child gave out some Haribo from it's Star Wars collection,he thought they were too Chewy.
I found out yesterday, my distant relatives are from Glasgow.
They're all dead now of course, so I'm going to try and contact them using a Weegie board.
My neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a Catholic converter.
I used to like Massey Fergusons but I've gone off them.lately.
I'm an ex-tractor fan
from a similar thread running in B3ta at the moment
What bees leave you paralysed and violated?
Cos-bees
I, for one, really enjoy a roman numeral based pun.
What do the films Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common?
Icey dead people
How did the cheese paint his wife?
He Double Gloucester
I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 – and it did.
Unfortunately, all the others came in at 12.30.
How did the cheese paint his wife?
He Double Gloucester
Well, how dairy.
If he had done it in Wales then he would have had to have done it caerphilly
Have you heard about my tiny amphibious lizard?
It's my newt.
(say it)
I've just had a sex change operation to change me into a woman. It was so successful I'm still trying to reverse out of the car parking space at the hospital.