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Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh
What's the difference between herpes and true love?
Herpes is forever.
Anyone else signed up for Dry January? A month is a long time without foreplay.
I've spent my whole life looking for a cure for insomnia......and I won't rest till I've found it.
Teenage daughter of out on a first date to the pictures so mum tucked a packet of pan drops into her pocket and have a good time
Next morning mum says how was the film? It was good and guess what Bobby my date had his hands everywhere and still couldn't find the pan drops
Did you hear about the man who evaporated?
He'll be mist.
WTF is a pan drop?
WTF is a pan drop?
A mint.<br />It's Scottish, dunno why it's called a pan drop, maybe it's deep fried 🤣
Blimey, how much imagination do you need to be lacking to call a sweet a 'pan drop'? Eeugh!
A boy walks into a pet shop and asks 'Excuse me mister, do you have any manx cats?'.
Pet shop owner replies 'no but I can make you one'.
We always brush out teeth as a family, 9/10 dentists say that brushing alone won't prevent decay
Never mind pan drops. I don’t understand the joke they’re connected to.
Pan drop sounds like the Chef equivalent of a Mic Drop or the polar opposite of a pin drop.
It’s so bloody loud in here you couldn’t hear a pan drop
Shit name for a sweet.
(Works better spoken.)
A nurse is giving a male patient a check over. Afterwards she says to him 'I've been in nursing for 30 years but I've never seen anyone with a penis shaped like a saxophone before.'
He says 'It's unusual but all the family have genitals shaped like musical instruments'
Nurse says ' Hang on, that reminds me - I saw a woman with a vagina like a mouth organ last week.'
'That'll be our Monica...'
A bit near the knuckle, but while we're on the subject...
What sweets can't you buy in Lockerbie?
Pan Drops!
I'll get my coat, sorry,
APF
I hope my wife buys me a globe for Christmas.
It would mean the world to me.
Dentists are going on strike on Tuesday.<br />Brace yourselves.
I was in the pub on Tuesday when a dung beetle came up to me and asked 'is this stool taken?'
Why did the mechanic sleep under a car?
He had to get up oily in the morning.
An octopus slid into a bar.
Interviewer:
"Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?
Me:
"I'd say my biggest weakness was listening."
What did the cheddar say to the spectre?
I'm lac-ghost intolerant
Was thinking about this the other day, came upon this realisation.
When you go to the bathroom, you’re British. When you leave the bathroom, you’re British.
But… when you’re in the bathroom, European.
Sometimes when going for a wee I'll announce that I'm going for a Belgium, because it's a small Euro-nation.
Sorry and I apologise mean the same thing. Except at a funeral…
A guy walks into Halfords and asks, "do you have a wing mirror for a Kia". Halfords staff member replies, after thinking about it. "Yes, that sounds like a fair swap".
Knock Knock......
Who's there...
Europe..
Europe Who...
no you're a poo....
I went for an acupuncture session the other day. When I got home, my voodoo doll was dead.
A guy walks into Halfords and asks, “do you have a wing mirror for a Kia”. Halfords staff member replies, after thinking about it. “Yes, that sounds like a fair swap”.
I genuinely adlibbed this gag once. I was at my mechanic's, a young lad rocked up, "hey Pete, I just got a set of alloys for my Mini," before I could stop myself my mouth had gone "that sounds like a fair trade." Pete creased double, the lad went purple, I went and hid.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus asks for a table for 26.
The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”
Jesus says, “Yeah, but we all want to sit on the same side.”
The local convent was hosting a darts competition as a fundraiser.
The first player steps up. Bang, double top.
Next dart, bang, tops again.
Third arrow, it hits the wire, pings off and hits the Mother Superior square between the eyes, killing her instantly.
The commentator declares, "one nun dead and eighty!!"
I had to go to hospital yesterday but there was a bloke there who was great. Best person we met the whole day.
He was an ultra sound guy.
Ah, but do you know who the coolest person in the hospital is when it's the ultra sound guy's day off?
The hip replacement guy.
What did the nurse say when she noticed a rectal thermometer in her top pocket?
“Some arsehole’s got my pen!!”
That reminds me of the constipated Maths teacher, who worked things out with a pencil.
What do you get if you cross human DNA with whale DNA?
Banned from Sea World
Guy goes to the doctor surgery feeling a bit off, before we can do much the nurse says we need a urine , sperm and faecal sample to send off for analysis
Can I just leave my boxers was his reply
I got “Bonopoly” last Christmas, it's a very similar game to the original but the streets have no names...
I dreamt I was being chased by a cheese last night.
I think I was Hallouminating
What's an Australian kiss?
Same as a French kiss but down under
Why did the baker have brown hands?
Because he kneaded a poo.
As told to the assembled packed auditorium of the Cheltenham kids literature festival about 10 years ago by my 8 year old. Proud parent moment that one.
So, there's two blokes lost in the desert. Suddenly up ahead they spot what looks like a marketplace.
They stagger up to the first stall. "Have you got any water?" they ask desperately.
"Sorry guys," the shopkeeper replies. "All I have is these fingers of sponge cake."
They hit the next stall. "Water?" Nope, all the vendor has is multiple flavours of jelly.
The third, "sorry guys, I can do you a good deal on some custard?"
They practically collapse into the next stand. "Water?" they plead. "Nope, but we have some excellent whipped creams for your enjoyment."
On hands and knees now, they crawl past the last stall offering various sprinkles, Hundreds & Thousands and the like. They don't even stop to ask.
As they leave the first guy says to the second, "that was weird, was that a mirage?"
The second replies, "well... it was a trifle bazaar."
There was this fight in the jungle between a big lion and a hyena, anyway the lion eventually won leaving the hyena badly wounded on the ground being consoled by his fellow hyenas
When he asked why did they not jump in and help him they replied you were laughing so much we thought you were winning
Bono and The Edge walk in to a bar. The bartender says “oh know, not you two again”
Bono and The Edge walk in to a bar. The bartender says “oh know, not you two again”
The other day I picked up a copy of Bonopoly.
It's like Monopoly, only the streets have no names.
I've been invited to a combined Chinese New Year and Burns Night party.
I didn't want to go but they twisted my arm
I guess the activity tracker on my smar****ch needs recalibrated.
Every time I go for a w**k, it alerts the local epilepsy unit.
What goes 100mph on a washing line?
Honda under pants!
What do you call a pickle you buy at a good price ...
A sweet dill
I have a broken Bluetooth bulb. I just repaired it.
I bought some new trainers from A Drug Dealer
Don't know what he's laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
What do people with two right feet wear?
Flip flips.
What do you call a french man who likes sandals? Filip Flop
I found out the other day, the first documented example of "charity" is Ancient Egypt. It's where we get the word from.
Money intended for their leaders was instead set aside for the poor. They were the first not-for-prophet organisation.
Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
Not a joke but actually true:
I was just reading an advert for a security job working on the railways. One of the listed prerequisites was a proven track record.
Someone somewhere is having a right old giggle about that.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange?" I said: "No it doesn't!"
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
Getting older is tough, my wife now calls me Tim Henman as i never get more than a semi
Just found out that A Tale of Two Cities was originally serialised in two local newspapers.
It was The Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
I really liked that
I've just had the sinking realisation that I don't know many Motown puns. Four tops.
I've shortened the rope on the bucket they use to collect water in the local village..
That didn't go down well.
What's the difference between a magpie and a penguin?
You can't fit a magpie in a biscuit tin
Which Japanese food is always looking down?
Shusi
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Vivaldi.
VanDamme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: I'll be Bach
I met a Mobius Strip one evening, sitting alone, sobbing inconsolably
"whats wrong?" I asked
"where do I even begin?"
I had a Polish friend who was a roadie. And a Czech one too.
Stolen from Popbitch
How many perverts does it take to fit a light bulb?
One, though a full A&E department will be required to remove it.