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It's been a while since we've had one of these.
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I've just got home from this year's FibonacciCon. It was as big as the last two put together.
I'm really excited for the next autopsy club. It's open Mike night!
I used to date a tennis player but she hated that I'd not learnt much about the game.
She'd come in and asked "What's 40-0?" and I'd reply "Beans on toast."
I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they got closer. Then it hit me…
A non gender specific human walked into a bar
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Clearly the bar hadn't been set high enough
My wife said she's leaving me because I'm obsessed with cricket. I have to say it's hit for six.
My wife told me that she wants us to split up due to my obsession with detective movies.
I said 'Good idea, we'll cover more ground that way.'
A friend showed me his plan to open an erasable pen factory, but I can't see it working.
Do electric car owners listen to AC-DC while driving or do they prefer something more current?
Teacher says to the class, “the word of the day is contagious, can anyone use it in a sentence”
Mary’s hand shoots up “yes miss, my granny recently got Covid, which is a contagious disease”
That’s brilliant Mary, what about you Johnny?
”err yes miss, our next door neighbour is painting the fence with a one inch brush, and my Da says it’s going to take the contagious”
Just been on the weight watchers website, it's asking do I accept cookies, crafty barstewards.
Harrods have had to stop selling Russian advent calendars. Every time a window was opened another oligarch fell out.
Me and my girlfriend went to stay at her dads house but he wouldn't let us sleep together. Shame as I really fancy him.
Did you hear about the christmas cake on display in the British Museum? It was Stollen.
My wife's leaving me because of my obsession with quoting Monkee's song lyrics
At first I thought she was kidding.....
'and then i saw her face'
(best delivered verbally TBH)
How do you know if your flatmate's a bass player.
Because they're constantly forgetting the key and keep coming in late.
I split up with my cross eyed girlfriend because she was seeing someone else .
Earlier this year I started a business producing bonsai trees. It's going so well that I'm going to have to find smaller premises.
Oh, and those Russian Dolls - they're just so full of themselves.
I knew a bassist who got so down with his band mates telling him how bad his timing was, he went and threw himself behind a bus.
A bad limbo dancer walked into a bar ….
A man visited a pub. As he reached the bar a bowl of peanuts spoke and said: “You’re looking fine today sir, and may I say that’s a marvellous suit”.
The man didn’t know how to react, so he wandered over to the fruit machine. As he was approaching the machine sneered: “Get out of here! I’m not having a git like you playing me. Go on, piss off!”
The man returned to the bar and asked the barman what was going on: “I’ve never heard anything like this in a pub. What exactly is going on?”<br /><br />“Don’t worry about it, they’re like that with everyone” the barman replied, “the peanuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order”.
Why are Native American chiefs buried on the top of hills? Because they're dead.
How do Mexican’s keep warm?
they use chicken fajitas!!
(Confess I nicked that from here on a previous joke thread -but it’s my fave joke now!!)
I told my girlfriend I was building a model of Mount Everest.
She asked, "is it to scale?"
I replied, “no, it's to look at."
How do you know if there's a drummer at the door?
Knocks 3 times and comes in late.
A non gender specific human walked into a bar
?
A squirrel walks into a corner shop.
"I'd like a bag of.... peanuts please." says the squirrel.
"Why the small pause?" says the shop assistant.
"Cos I'm a frickin' squirrel!"
A man walks into a bar.
clang!
It was a metal bar.
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He used to lay awake at night wondering if there was a dog…
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Did you hear about the non-binary gold prospector?
They made a fortune in them/their hills.
My grief counsellor died the other day.
But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.
(Thanks to Gary Delaney)
A man walks into a bar.
Ouch (or yummy), it was a Lion Bar.
A man walks into a pub.
clang!
It was a metal pub.
They've just announced another suspect from the Operation Yewtree investigation. Morph has been outed as a playdohphile.
good news for insomniacs, only 3 more sleeps till Christmas
Then there was the dyslexic devil worshiper. He sold his soul to Santa.
I've posted this a few times already, but for those of you who are new 🙂
Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?
So when they dock they can Scandinavian.
A ghost walked through a bar.
My obese pet parrot died the other day….. It was a weight of my shoulders.
Went to the zoo yesterday, saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper said it was bread in captivity.
Why do Astronomers put beef in their shower?……So they can have a meatier shower.
What has there never been a pregnant Barbie doll?
Because Ken always came in a different box.
An Aberdeen fan had a heart attack during a romantic moment with a sheep. He was a dyed in the wool supporter.
I hate that funerals are always held at 9am. I’m not a mourning person.
Why don’t boxers have sex before a fight?
They don’t like each other that much
A man asks the librarian do you have any books on euthanasia , go away she said you folk never bring the books back
I took a shortcut through the churchyard on my way to the shops and saw a bloke crouched behind a gravestone.
“Morning!” I shouted cheerily
“No” he replied “ I’m having a shit.”
I went into the library and asked the librarian if they had any self-help books for paranoid schizophrenia
“They’re behind you” she whispered
I went to the library and got a book called "Dealing With Procrastination." I haven't read it yet.
Octopus Bandit drawing a flintlock pistol in each tentacle: Stand and Deliver!
Foppish Cat: Knave, thou art one short.
Constipated maths teacher having no luck with over the counter medicine so ended up worked it out with a pencil
I started a club for men with erectile dysfunction, it was a bit of a flop and nobody came.
After 3 years married I changed calling my wife darling in the morning to Dyson, she'd started to whine and stopped sucking
Did you hear about the cross eyed circumciser?
He got the sack.
...
Constipated maths teacher having no luck with over the counter medicine so ended up worked it out with a pencil
Combining the two,
Did you hear about the cross-eyed match teacher? She couldn't control her pupils.
Two Eskimos sitting in their kayak were getting chilly so they lit a fire in the bottom of the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak & heat it too.
Reminds me.
What's the difference between a wildebeest and a gnu.
You can't paddle a wildebeest
We bought our dogs some glow-in-the-dark dog treats.
You should see their little faeces light up.
Someone just phoned, sneezed and hung up.
This is the fourth time this week and I’m really getting fed up with these cold-calls.
I've got piles and piles of ironing to do.<br />I don't know which is worse.
Why don't fairies ever get pregnant?
Because they only go to goblin parties.
What’s the difference between a gnu and a bison?
You can't wash your hands in a gnu.
I'm an old sentimental bald man who still owns a comb.
I just can't part with it..
Central London sperm bank is running short of supplies. They had three donors yesterday, two came on the bus and the other guy missed the tube.
A poor taste one if I may…
I got sacked from the Salvation Army soup kitchen. All I said was ‘hurry up, some of us have homes to go to’
What's worse than two girls running with scissors?
Two girls scissoring with the runs.
The storm blew 25% of my roof of last night
Oof
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A baboom
I have a Chinese osteopath.
He offers crick and correct.
My uncle Ben just died. No more mister rice guy.
What's black and white and invaded Italy?
Atilla the Nun.