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But they've got to be good "crap" jokes 🙂 And old jokes allowed and encouraged...!
I'll start...
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?
Philippe Philoppe.
Interrupting cow.
went to the zoo the other day. was really disappointed as they only had one dog on display....it was a shitzu!
Interrupting cow
Very much so, you haven't even knocked yet!
Did you here about the man with two left feet?
He bought himself a pair of flip-flips
A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.
“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
...
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”
Whats pink and hangs out your trousers?
Your Mum
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
Emergency exits. I hear they are on the way out.
What's pink and hard in the morning...
The Financial Times crossword.
I hate Russian dolls. They are so full of themselves
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eyed deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eyed dear
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no ears in a southern European county?
Sill deaf in Italy no eyed dear
(deep breath) What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, no ears, in a layby, on fire, in a southern European country?
Still deaf in Italy flaming no eyed dear, by the way.
There're ten Glaswegian cows in a field. Which one's on holiday?
The wan wi' the wee calf.
There're ten Glaswegian cows in a field. Which one's an Arab?
Coo eight.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks for a pint of lager and a mop.
what's orange and sounds like a parrot?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo
The Ges..
*slaps reponder across face with glove*
SILENCE! We will ask the questions!
Why did the baker have smelly hands?
He kneaded a poo
Top marks, these are brilliant 🙂
A penguin drives down to the seaside but his car breaks down just as he arrives. He takes the car to a local garage and the mechanic agrees to check it over but can't do it for a couple of hours.
While waiting the penguin, not wishing to ruin his day out, decides to go down to the beach and have an ice cream.
A couple of hours later he returns to the garage and asks the mechanic what's wrong with teh car. The mechanic tuts and says "Looks like you've blown a seal".
To which the penguin says "It's just a bit of ice cream!"
Why do french people only have one egg for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
**
What do you call a man with a rabbit up his arse - Warren
What do you call a man with no arms and legs in the sea - Bob
What do you call a man with a slice of bacon on his head - Hamed
What do you call a man with 2 slices of bacon on his head - Mohamed
What do you call a man with 2 slices of bacon on his head in a narrow passage between two houses - Mohamed Ali
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He worked it out with a pencil.
What do you call a fish with no i?
fsh
How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
Wi' jam in.
What do you call an Irishman with a pane of glass behind each ear?
Paddy O'Doors
Two fish in a tank.
One says "Have you a license to drive this thing?"
Fish swims into a wall.
Dam.
What do you call a lady who can juggle 5 pints and play snooker with her feet at the same time?
Beartrix Potter
Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef
What do you call a cow with 2 legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with one leg stuck in a Vampire?
Steak
What's got 2 legs and bleeds?
Half a dog
The Forum update
Went to the Zoo the other day .. stood there for a while trying to figure out why there was a French stick sat there in the middle of the enclosure.
Zoo keeper wandered by so said mate whats in here ?
Oh that ... Its bread in captivity
The Forum update
I am not sure that one will emerge at Edinburgh fringe, too unique an audience level...
A rabbit walks into a bar and says to the barman " I'll have a pint of lager ..and what have you got left to eat "
The barman says " We've been really busy so just snacks..crisps , nuts ..or there is a few toasted sandwiches left "
Rabbit says " perfect ..I will have a cheese & tomato ..and I will sit over in the corner while I'm waiting for my mate " ..
10 minutes later the rabbit walks back to the bar and says " Looks like my mate is running late and I'm still a bit peckish ..what have you got left "
Barman says " There is just a corned beef & onion ..do you want it "..
" Yeah " says the rabbit .."Im still sitting over in the corner ..will you point my mate over this way when he comes in "
5 mins later another rabbit walks in and the barman says " You must be meeting you're friend..he is over there in the corner "
"Are you sure" says the second rabbit ..before noticing his mate slumped under the table and frothing at the mouth ..
Dashing over he sits his mate up and says " what's happened "..
The first rabbit says " I'm in a bad way ..I think it's down to mixinmytoasties"..
the parrots stood on a perch... one says to tother
"can you smell fish?"
One snowman says to the other snowman......"Can you smell carrots?"
Did you hear about the dyslexic yorkshireman?
he was wearing a cat flap
I bought a load of stolen inflatables off a bloke in the pub and now the police are knocking on my door...
gonna have to lilo for a while!
Why are native American chiefs buried on the top of hills?
.
.
.
Because they're dead.
Why did Tarzan have a headache?
He can't get any painkillers 'cos the parrots eat 'em all*
....
.
.
.
say it out loud - paracetamol
Recently ive found out somebody is adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
I was struggling to find some brown sugar in Tescos earlier, I found all the white sugar but the brown stuff, dem a rarer.
What should you do if you see a spaceman?
Park in it dude!
Snow White woke up feeling happy but happy got up so she felt grumpy instead.
knock knock?
Who's there?
I dun up
I dun up who......?
A jealous husband was charged with battering his unfaithful French wife to death with a fish.
Police are calling it a crime of poisson.
.
.
.
.
.
Did you hear about the massive explosion at the coconut factory? Apparently the workforce have been desiccated.
All the toilets have been stolen from the local police station. The police have nothing to go on
You are traveling at a constant speed. To your left is a shear drop, to your right a fire engine, directly in front of you is a helicopter and behind you there is a flying horse.
What do you do?
Get off the merry go round
What do you call a Chinese woman with a foodmixer on her head?
Blenda.
Van Gogh sitting on the pub. His mate comes in and says "Vincent, do you want a pint?"
"No thanks," says Van Gogh "I've got one 'ere."
Pavlov sitting in the pub and the bell rings for last orders. "Shit!" Says Pavlov, "I forgot to feed the dog."
What cheese is not yours?
Natcho cheese.
Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie
What cheese can hide a horse?
Marscapone
What cheese can you tempt a bear out of the woods with?
Camenbert
What cheese says hello in the mirror?
Halloumi
How do you handle dangerous cheese?
Caerphilly
What cheese do cyclists take with them?
Paneer
What cheese is made backwards?
edaM
Pavlov sitting in the pub and the bell rings for last orders. “Shit!” Says Pavlov, “I forgot to feed the dog.”
This is one of my favourites.
Who's the coolest dood in the hospital?
That would be the ultrasound guy.
But who's the coolest person in the hospital when the ultrasound dood's not about?
Why, that would be the hip replacement guy, of course.
Once upon time in a purple universe was a purple planet and on this purple plant was a purple land with purple houses were purple villagers lived and there was a purple hilltop, on this purple hilltop was a purple kingdom, in this purple kingdom, past the purple gates, up the purple path through the grand purple doors guarded by purple knight, sat a purple king in a purple throne room on a purple throne with his purple queen also sitting on a purple thrown.
One day the purple king throw a meeting for the people of purple in his purple meeting room in his purple palace. and he said to the purple people of purple
"Purple people of purple I propose that I will give the greatest reward ever in the history of this purple world to the purple person that makes me the nicest tastiest purple beer in the entire purple world I have ever tasted in my purple life"
So one purple villager takes it upon himself to make the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world, so leaves the purple meeting room through the purple doors past the purple gates down the purple cobbled path to his purple cottage down his purple stairs leading to his purple cellar where his purple beer making machine lives, and makes the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world and so leaves his purple house runs up the purple street to the purple kings purple palace throw the purple gates, past the purple doors to the purple throne room and presents the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whole entire purple world and the purple king takes a sip of the purple beer from the purple pint glass and goes "blurghhh!! Thats the most disgusting purple beer in the whoek entire purple world I've ever tasted on my whole purple life. Okay purple person I will give you one more chance to make the nicest tastiest purple beer in the whoel entire purple world ive ever tasted in my whole purple life."
So once again the purple person of this purple land left the purple palace down the purple street to his purple house down his purple stairs to his purple cellar where his purple beer machine lived and one again made the nicest tastiest purple beer ever in the entire purple world. and so he leaves his purple house runs up the purple street though the purple gates pas the purple guards that lead him to the purple king on his purple thrown in his purple thrown room in his purple palace. Th epurple person once again present the purple beer and the purple king sips the purple beer from the purple pint glass and goes...
"blurrrghh. Thats the most disgusting purple beer in the enitre purple world if ever tasted in my whole purple life, Thats it you purple person have direspected this purple kingdom and everything purple this purple land represtents! Purple guards take tjis purple person the purple dungeons!"
So the purple guards lead the purple person across the purple thron room, across the purple hall to a purple door that lead to purple stairs where purple degeons were and the purple guard took out a purple key put it in the purple lock, open the purple door, turned to the purple prisoner and told him...
...'INDEGO'
A man goes to his doctor because he has a lettuce sticking out of his backside.
“That looks nasty” says the doctor.
“It’s the tip of the iceberg” says the man.
Have you heard the latest from the Commonwealth games?
The Isle of Man won the three-legged race.
My Scottish friend Hamish is getting married in the summer. He told me that he is going to wear a kilt so I asked “what’s the tartan?”
He replied “she’ll probably be in white”.
My uncle died last week at the age of 104 … we were all very upset – we were only half way through the bumps.
For Binners; I read in the news that Greggs are employing bouncers. I guess they want to keep out the unsavoury!
A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for the Champions League final on 26th May. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at Marylebone Registry Office, at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
I was in the hotel restaurant and the waiter asked me if I'd like any toast. "Yes please," I replied.
"White or brown?"
"All toast is brown, that's bread you're thinking of."
A Jamaican guy has made a home movie about eating a quiche with no French fries.
He called the film, "Good Pie, Missed De Chips."
What do you call a Scotsman with one foot inside his front door?
Hamish.
Many people were appalled that Big Ben was going to be stopped for repairs, but is that horror logical?
"Dad, why did you call my sister Teresa?"
"Because your mum likes Easter, son. It's an anagram."
"Cool, thanks Dad"
"No problem. Have a good day at school, Alan."
Two women are looking at dresses through a shop window.
"That's the one I'd get" says one to the other, pointing at a dress.
A Cyclops then emerges from the store and kills them.
Two peanuts walking through a park late at night, one got assaulted.
Two owls playing pool, the first owl accidentally hits a ball with his wing, he says "two hits" the 2nd owl says "two hits to who?"
Cheers all, some fantastic jokes here!
It has certainly made my Friday more enjoyable 🙂
“No problem. Have a good day at school, Alan.”
@cougar - that is brilliant in so many levels and if I recall correctly, in your case, at least two generations,
Well played sir.
You have a good memory and quite correct (three generations actually).
Neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink
Bar man: for you, no charge
I phoned the drugs helpline today and the automated message said 'for information about cannabis press hash.. .'
I pat the risk of sounding thick, I don’t get the ‘have a good day at school Alan ?’ One?
Neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink
Bar man: for you, no charge
Two atoms walking down the street. One says "blimey, I just lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" asks the first.
"Yeah, I'm positive."
...and the bear said, ‘you’re not here for the shooting are you...’
Did you hear about the farmer that won the Nobel prize?
he was out standing in his field.
What’s the best thing about ****-ing twentyfive year olds.
Aah, just got it ( was going to say oh shit I’ve just got it - but that might make it worse!).
in my defence I am on my third glass of wine!
Enjoying Hamish at the moment
'misses
Bloke goes into the doctors and says " Doc ..overnight I've got this growth on the end of my nose and I can't explain it "
The doctor takes out a magnifying glass and upon inspection says " Oh yeah ..its in miniature ..but there is a golden beach with clear blue water a mountain in the background with a cascading waterfall & clear blue skies "
Bloke says .."Have you ever seen anything like this before "
Doctor "Yes and you have nothing to worry about ..its just a beauty spot "
What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes