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Any long time visitor to STW may well have seen my previous threads on various mental health related issues that have left me finding life often overwhelming and many times the stress has brought me to my knees ..often for many weeks and the pattern has repeated throughout my adult life.
I was given the common diagnosis of depressive illness and
generalized anxiety in the late 80's and have tried most therapies and medications together with exercise (as well as self medicating the condition with alcohol in increasing amounts and frequency until 5 yrs ago when I nearly died as a result.)
For me it's often been my inability to cope with overwhelming negative emotions that easily get triggered and take forever to dissipate ...things that many wouldn't bat an eyelid about or would be seen as insignificant can destroy me . I was a big strong man when younger ..seen as tough but also labelled as "too sensitive" " you think too much" etc by those who knew me better .
My sensitivity led to me isolating myself pretty much for the last 20 yrs . I live with my french wife who has similar issues and our beloved cat who ..for those who have read this far will soon find is the reason I began typing this thread .
I rent a house and due to the emotional issues struggle to pay bills as work is hard to find. I tend to work alone and only get given jobs nobody else wants. I'm 58 now with zero pension and so few NI stamps that if I wish to live into old age it'll be in poverty .
Apologies for rambling on ..it's an attempt to clear my head after 2 days and nights of emotional turmoil that ( even with my history) has been close to the most distressing I've experienced and this may be surprising but it's all about our cat .
It may sound pathetic but with no social life, no children , no regular work to distract , no ambition or dreams , our cat is perhaps the main thing in our lives that gives us joy .
He adopted us when we moved in 13 yrs ago and although life long cat lovers we have never had such a loving ,gentle ,affectionate animal and you've guessed it ...his time is imminent .
He deteriorated rapidly over the weekend and can barely walk but seems not to be in pain and despite the immobility is still his usual happy self . He's old deaf and has kidney disease too . He loves us and we love him . He stares into our eyes and tries to communicate as well as trusting us implicitly .
I know what I would say to someone else in this position and what lies ahead, and is inevitable . I will very soon have to make arrangements and the emotions inside are so strong I'm becoming unwell again and not been able to cope.
Perhaps I misremember ...I lost my Mother and Father many years ago and bizarrely this situation is feeling more painful and overwhelming ..perhaps as with them everything was taken out of my hands (with my folks passing) but in this case I feel like I have to snuff out the light that makes our house somewhere warm to return to rather than simply a shelter .
I'm sure it all sounds over dramatic ..perhaps a few can understand , but this is one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life even having had numerous past depressive meltdowns. I wish he would die in his sleep tonight .
Forgive me ..I know this thread is self indulgent and many , many people have horrendous ongoing struggles . I just sat down earlier and felt desperate for support ..I want to cry to relieve some pressure but it just doesn't come and instead gnaws away incessantly inside. If anyone can help me it would be appreciated. Bill
Kaiser, not self indulgent, brave!
I haven’t suffered from the problems you have so can’t offer any advice but remember that it’s always good to talk or in this case type. Lots of people here may have better advise but keep talking. Best of luck.
Bill, i would make an appointment to see my GP for either immediate help or access to help services. This has helped my GF greatly.
Secondly, post up where you are in the country. This is a loving and supportive community and someone will contact you and take you out for a ride or a walk. On that note, if you are near Snowdonia then come and ride with me!
Ian
Can't add much more than the others say, but talking about it is good, working out the local support network is a good step, lots of places are being used to highlight these, such as facebook groups, speak to Citizens Advice about pensions/payments, as there are ways of getting help with how to best go ahead with this as well.
Sorry for your cat being near the end of his time, we've had this a couple of times with strays that have taken to us, strays do seem to really make a home when one is given and they choose it, hopefully luck will find another one coming your way, we had 3, the second turned up the week after the first passed, almost like waiting his turn!
Those better qualified than I will talk to you about mental health treatment.
For what it's worth, I can relate 100% to the (presumably) four-legged lifeline, my little girl was 18 when I had to make That decision. Hardest thing I ever did and I'd be lying if I said I ever really got over it.
The solace I have to take is, it was the right thing to do. Cats are instinctively good at hiding disease and illness, she was likely worse than she was letting on. It got to a point where I was thinking "who's benefitting here exactly?" She had a warm, loving home all her life from the little fluffball my grandad brought home until her twilight years, and by turns enriched ours.
I feel your pain, I really do, but try to focus on the good parts.
Also,
If anyone says "man up" or "it was only a cat," you're totally legit allowed to hit them with a pool ball in a sock.
Feel you.
Just had the same thing. It's shit
Apologies for rambling on...
Please don't apologise, the important thing is getting support when you need it. Talking about it is an excellent place to start, especially when you feel so overwhelmed. It's not easy to break out of a pattern of behaviour, even when you know it's happening.
From my experience it's also very normal to feel that you want to cry to release that emotion and for nothing to happen.
As others have said, please do talk to your GP as a starting point, I hope that your GP is someone you can talk to about this.
With regard to pets, I've two cats that are approaching twelve and I know that their time is finite. I love them to bits and I know that it'll hurt when the time comes. I think that Cougar summed it up better than I could.
Certainly not self-indulgent at all.... Carry on as much as you like.
I too am suffering a lot of mental stresses at the moment but not on your scale. As had already been said, see your GP and take all the help you're entitled to.
I've just come back from a chat with a good friend, who is a professor of psychiatry, and his wife who's a mental health nurse and does CBT counseling.
It's amazing how much better it is when you talk about your problems.
With regards to your cat, it sounds like she's had a wonderful life and you shouldn't feel bad even though it's hard not to.
I've taken two of my dogs on their last trip and, although it doesn't get easier, the love and friendship you share will always be there.
Give the cat a big hug from us here.
I wish you, your wife and the cat all the best as you move towards the next step.
Here for you if you're anywhere near Cheshire Bill.
Real shame to hear about your cat.....pets are just the best.
Same happened to me @Kaiser.
My cat was 26 when I took her to the vet. It was a kindness. At the time I'd had her for way more than half my life.
Feels like shit, and I still think about it. It's normal.
Thank you everyone for your kindness and re the docs .. They've run out of strategies with me . I've considered psilocybin as one of the few options left and although I said I have no ambition anymore .. I do have one .. and that's to achieve "peace of mind" before my time comes. I know losing loved pets is awful for most people ...it's a common experience... it's just the intensity of sadness that I am struggling with . I've had many relationships before marrying but rarely felt love for any animal ..human or otherwise like that that has grown for this boy . I shall try and remember we are taking the pain so he doesn have to. Here's the cause of my heartache.
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I wished my dog would die in her sleep. She didn't. Vets were saying try this, try that. She was half dead by the time I took her. I hate myself for it. More than I can tell you. I now go to bed every night wishing that I would die in my sleep. Instead I wake up every morning at about 3 and think about her. Sometimes I grind my teeth, sometimes I hit myself, sometimes I wonder why the hell I didn't do better, sometimes I just cry.
I know exactly how you feel but letting them go early is so much better than too late.
As for the other stuff, sounds pretty similar to my situation. No social life, kids, work or dreams. I don't have a partner though. I have another dog who is lovely and who I try really hard with and also try to shield from my pain. I am utterly determined that she is going earlier rather than later although not too soon of course.
I don't know that I can offer any help. Only I suppose to say that I and many others understand and I hope you find some sort of way through.
Edited to say: He's a lovely looking cat
Perhaps I misremember …I lost my Mother and Father many years ago and bizarrely this situation is feeling more painful and overwhelming ..
This is, I think at least, normal but Christ knows I'm not normal. I lost my brother suddenly and unexpectedly about 10 years ago...I don't know why but now sometimes even the smallest things can seem insufferable, I guess things have a habit of finding a way out. I guess it's good to get it out. Thank your cat for doing this for you too! No doubt this will be a tough time but you can get through it, keep talking to people and those here who have more wise words to offer than me.
I'm so Sorry ThePilot .. particularly how you blame yourself for loving your friend so much and hanging on for her in hope. You sound like a really decent tender soul who is suffering because things didn't turn out as well as you would have wanted (or intended). We are all fallible human beings and perhaps you can console yourself in that you gave your previous dog a wonderful life even if the ending was the opposite of your intention. I feel we have a lot in common and if you ever want a chat or need help my email is in my profile. I do hope things improve for you . You know that whatever the outcome it's intention that counts and your intention was more than admirable . Your latest dog is lucky to have such a caring owner . If you wake up at 3am again please choose the option to forgive yourself instead .. your old girl would want that for you as do all of us.
Brave thing to say. We had to have one cat put to sleep, the other went in her sleep* (if offended don't read past the footnote)
We now have a dog, she's 8 and just wonderful. I can't bear the thought of when that time comes.
But know some things.
They don't know the fear of the end of life or whether there's something the other side. They only know love and companionship. When the time does come they won't hold it against you, they won't resent your decision, they won't know the end is coming. They will only thank you for what you gave them, and for being there. We don't say this to kids because it screws them up but for them it is really just like going to sleep one last time, and going to sleep with your hand on their head or sat on your lap is the best thing ever.
I made the mistake with the cat we had to put to sleep and I won't make it again. Better a week too early than a day too late.
* if offended/don't want some dark humour; don't read on. Little cat went in her sleep. She was old, but comfortable and no outward signs anything was wrong, she just went. Through the day she became more dozy, curled up in her favourite spot on the landing where the radiator pipes run under the floor so it's a bit warm, and tucked her head and tail in as she always did. We didn't move her even though it was right outside my daughter's door. I didn't really sleep because I knew it was coming, and in the early hours I went out to her and she'd gone.
Stretched out as far as she could possibly be.
Curled up, she could practically have got in a shoe box. But stretched out, I didn't have a box big enough to put her to rest in. Especially because her tail was out, ramrod straight like a furry black flagpole. I had to bend the ****ing thing round to get it into the biggest box we owned at the time. Abiding memories of a dear little cat.