You don't need to be an 'investor' to invest in Singletrack: 6 days left: 95% of target - Find out more
Try having someone loosen the toilet seat. As you unwittingly slowly lower yourself onto it the change from a vertical trajectory to a horizontal one at mach 2 will dislodge any internal blockage.
This thread has made it to the STW facebook page. Stay classy!
As Hannah set the ball rolling, I also have a delightful tale to share.
I was in Turkey on work, and I wasn't consuming my usual 1kg of salad every lunch, which keeps me as regular as clockwork. Substantial amounts of meat were the norm, and this rapid change to diet had a significant affect to my digestion. After several days of no bowel movements, late one evening at the hotel I had a major blockage to shift. Straining for a considerable period on the loo yielded no results, and it became apparent that my anal sphincter did not possess the amount of elasticity required for the diameter of faecal matter which was trying to escape. Squatting on the sink to observe matters in the mirror illustrated the severity of the problem. What was straining to break free appeared similar in dimensions to a something between a tennis ball and a grapefruit. Neither was it was not coming out whole, nor could my body form it into a more painless shape due to lack of malleability.
External assistance was going to be required. The hotel room did not prove to be particularly ripe scouting ground for appropriate implements, and I was reluctant to call room-service due to the time-sensitive nature of my task. The best I could come up with was a plastic drinks stirrer, which I then duly utilised to undertake a manual mining exercise, albeit semi-internally. Think a small child playing with Play Dough and you wouldn't be far off. Some considerable period later, having relieved myself of the obstruction, relief was achieved, although not without feeling somewhat violated and mentally scarred 😮
Squatting on the sink to observe matters in the mirror
We're plumbing new depths, both metaphorically and literally.
The best I could come up with was a plastic drinks stirrer,
An actual shit-stirrer.
An earlier comment reminded me of this:
A few years ago I went to Las Vegas for a friend's wedding. I was pretty broke and Vegas is a hateful place to be when, well, whether you're broke or not frankly.
The one place I did find that I liked was the Star Trek Experience, which included Quark's bar. Aside from being nerdy, the bar was about the cheapest place we'd found in Vegas to buy drinks. They sold various themed drinks, Klingon Blood Wine and suchlike. One night I found myself on the Trillian Ale, essentially cheap American lager absolutely laced with blue food colouring. I drank... let's go with "an amount".
Got up the next morning and went to perform my ablutions. Nature called and I answered. I then turned to flush away my evacuation and was greeted by the sight of a fluorescent "1980s socks" green jobbie winking back at me. Having momentarily forgotten the events of the previous night, you probably heard the scream.
Been similarly plagued for years. Have gone up to a week without going and then produced something fit for a timber mill that left my bum looking like an extra from 'Anal Violator 6'. I actually blocked a sea toilet in a boat with a jobby so dense it stood up unassisted and could have taken the ensign.
As suggested above, fresh and dried fruit with plenty of fluids, at all times and not just after problems start, should work. If bunged up, glycerin suppositories do get things moving. If really really stuck, a self enema with warm, mildly soapy water floods the area around the stool. I used an aquarium syphon this way to great effect. Hold the fluid in as long as possible and don't stray more than two feet from the lavvy.
Good luck.
Jesus, i start to worry about my health if I don't sign off the third consignment by dinner time every day.
My Boss went on a work trip to see a couple of my colleagues who were in Oman a few years ago.
The breakfast buffet had freshly pressed mango juice on it - which was apparently amazing.
The two lads who'd been there a while told him to go easy on the mango juice, as it would go through him like a freight train.
He didn't - and spent 24 hours in his hotel room unable to get more than 5 steps from the loo.
I had a similar experience in the West country with him the following year - out with some local guys in Bridgwater - hitting the scrumpy hard - he was told to go easy on the Thatcher's gold - as it'll go through him like a freight train.
We stopped about 3 times on the drive from Bridgwater to Bristol the following morning.
Try Mango juice - or Thatchers gold.
I’m interested in the prunes thing as I have half a can on my porridge and still end up straining
Squatting on the sink to observe matters in the mirror
That sentence came as a shock.....
Just remembered another nurse telling me about giving a motorcyclist who had fallen off his bike a barium enema, which involved a rubber tube, a funnel a measuring jug, and some warm white liquid,and lubricant.
20 years later,theres me having the same treatment, but with a large bag of white stuff being squirted up me by 2 nurses along with a jet of compressed air, and both after 2 packets of Picolax.
Then going to the toilet, and watching as the whole bag of white stuff, runs out of your bum, like a huge white thick milkshake for a few days after, slowly turning a more natural and solid colour.
Some of these posts will not get out of my head.
A full packet of sugar free werthers
Proper Somerset farmhouse scrumpy will do the job, absolutely guaranteed 😃
I don’t know if going for a run is an option but let’s just say my running routes are selected on the basis of accessibility of locations for a poop in the woods. A city centre Run is a recipe for disaster. I run a lot too by the way...
As this seems to be degenerating into a general poo stories thread, I have one to overshare. Although it is quite closely related to the topic in hand...er so to speak.
It is always my job for some unknown reason, to empty the toilet cassette when OH and I are using the camper. One time last year I was attending to this after we had got home. Emptied the cassette down the drain and added some water for a rinse out. While I was shaking the water around in the cassette I was aware that there was something quite heavy and solid sounding still inside being shaken around. Oh well, give it another flush through should shift it. Five attempts later and it still hasn't emerged. Everytime I shake it around I just get the thuding sound of something solid hitting the sides of the cassette. Time for a closer look. Cautiously sliding open the big hatch of the cassette I was met with a huge log like thing just sitting there menacingly. The length and girth of it made my eyes water just to look at it. No way that's going to go through the spout. So, I could maybe get it to drop out of the big hatch but then I would have to pick it up to dispose of. Nothing else for it then, poke it about with a stick until it is chopped up small enough to escape. That did the trick! I can't say for certain which of the two of us it had previously belonged to but I'm sure I would have noticed if something that big and solid had escaped from my arse.
Non of that helps the OP but I can confirm that, as mentioned before. The P word will do the trick. Whether the particular P is prunes or picolax.
Proper Somerset farmhouse scrumpy will do the job, absolutely guaranteed 😃
Living in Stroud years ago, i used to cycle past a farm in Stonhouse that brewed its own cider,The scrumpoy they sold was full of bits of apple, skin and some pips, and was so strong, like drinking a thick apple soup. So one day i stopped and bought a few big bottles, cycled around a few miles and bottles where heavy, so drank one then another, got back pissed somehow, went to bed and woke up in the night, huge explosion of pulped apple, seeds, apple skins and other stuff filled the bowl to almost overflowing, and the smell...............
Serious suggestion here ... psyllium husks. I get them from zipvit. Very good at keeping regularity.
Early in my army career in the mid 1980s I was a cold war warrior based in Germany in an ammunition depot. We would have regular crash outs in the middle of the night for a supposed Warsaw pact incursion over the inner German border. On one of the bigger exercises we were out in the field for two weeks having emptied the depot and set up various dispersed ammo field storage sites all over the German countryside.
I was Cpl IC one where there were 8 or 9 other lads and we were kipping in barns and out buildings on a farm. Because it was an exercise and we didn't want to annoy the "civpop" we had portaloos rather than digging latrines as we'd do for real. After 7 days they were virtual pristine. Almost unbeshmerched by number twos. We were all living on a diet of "compo" 24 hour ration packs which were famous for bunging you up.
However, around about the 7 day mark, people started shuffling uncomfortably and walking like John Wayne to the heads to unburden themselves. The results were quite spectacular as each lad in turn went to "give birth to an officer". We made a competition of it and if someone thought they'd produced a specimen in with a chance of being the winner, a panel of his peers would be summoned to judge it. There were some proper anacondas.
One however was so huge it beggared belief. Until one eagle eyed lad noticed finger marks half way along! One horrible little scrote was so desperate to win, he had joined together two offerings, only one of which he could honestly lay claim to. It was hard to judge if people's revulsion was due to the hands-on activity or as a result of such blatant cheating and poor sportsmanship.