[Closed] Children or no Children?

Was 33 when wife MCJnr was conceived rather suddenly. Half way through a part time degree course while working full time. Turned out "we" had been trying longer than I'd been aware of.

Pretty much turned my world and plans upside down. Devastated them, frankly.

He's 12 now. Best thing that happened to me, and his sister. Career plans never recovered, always busy, no spare cash, but so much more fulfilled and a much broader range of friends and experiences.

I'm 58, got 2 lads aged 29 & 31 who I wouldn't swap for the world & I'm proud of how they've both turned out.

If I had my time again however it may be different as I didn't really want any children, they just 'happened' Theyr'e not for everyone & I'd hate to see anyone pushed to either have them or not.

I have no time for other peoples kids & hope my lad doesn't have any, but if he does, he does.

I'm 37 - I've got a 9 year old Lad who came as a package deal with my Wife when he was 3, I went from a stranger to "Mummy's Boyfriend" to Dad over a couple of years - he biological Father was never interested and waived all rights to access in return for not paying £10 a week maintenance - total waste of good skin he is, anyway...

We've also got a little 1 year old Girl.

Being a Dad is really hard work, it's pretty much killed my social life, my career has gone from dynamic to pedestrian and I'm broke, but genuinely I'm happier than I have ever have been - life is fantastic at the moment - full of challengers both big and small, but just brilliant.

My advice to anyone thinking of starting a family, hang on till your 30s if you can / want - by the time I settled down Id seen the world, got into more scrapes than I care to remember and was ready to give my time and energy to my family - my younger brother settled down at 18, had two kids by his mid 20s and seemed to have a crisis in his late 20s thinking he'd missed out on his youth.

Echo the above, apart from I started young (23). Now 35, eldest son starting High School, was scuba diving with him yesterday, paintballing today, daughter who is 8.5 loves biking and camping.

Its a slog, but its great.

No spare money tho! 😉

Both me and my OH are 38, no kids. Lots of reasons, main one is OH depression, lack of drive probably stops the accidents! She can't come off her meds, doctors worrying they would effect the little ones if such an event would happen. High risk of Post Natal Depression and the effects with the underlying depression could be dangerous.

Are we happy? yes I think so, we have holidays, new bikes when we want. We work fairly separate lives, like today im off OH is working, ships that pass in the sea as it were, would we adapt change our lifes wouldn't be an issue for me but my OH would really struggle. I've recently changed jobs and routine and my OH is a mess with the changes in my work schedules.

Is my OH happy? I can't answer for her but I do know when we babysit our nieces and nephews she loves it, she is amazingly happy for a few days afterwards, but then life goes on. We talk about it but she can't give up the meds she has tried a few times and had some pretty nasty episodes.

Its the hardest choice in the world and sometimes I sit here thinking what would life be like. I probably haven't helped with this topic, sorry.

Again ? Any way 49 now 43 when started trying a bit of state funded help and we had crankbrat ( 4 next month) . was very ambivalent about the whole thing until after a prolonged and emotional delivery he was plonked in my arms while the medical team focussed on his mother . both she and he are well now and I am utterly bessoted with him . life is very different free time and money are all spent on child activities mountain biking has taken a massive hit but we have scalextric.

Career plans never recovered, always busy, no spare cash

Definitely this, and listening to the 3 year old howling right now at not getting his own way nothing else 😀

Not got any, we dont want any. Every time we see friends who have them we come away even more convinced we made the right decision. Just not for us, plenty we want to do any places we want to visit that would be out of the question with kids. Each to their own but not for us.

My mate has a mortgage free 450K house in a nice North Yorks market town, 5 renty houses to put towards his pension when he retires at 55, has a budget of 40-50K for a new motorhome, runs a newish Freelander, has a nice bike which he rides from the door &.....

No kids. Him & his Mrs are happy as Larry!

Two kids. Was 25 when first was born and we were the first amongst our friends to have kids. Now they are in their teens I could not imagine being without them, and they are of an age where we can go out without them as a couple once more (though mainly we still eat out as a family). Kids do cost money, but it's money I am (normally) happy to spend.

Three issues from me

1. the early years are very very hard work and a massive shock tot he system
2. Dont have them if you dont REALLY want them and for the love of god dont have them to bring you closer together.
3. Almost no human being ever regrets having kids and it is just the best and most fulfilling thing in the world- SEE POINTS 1 AND 2

Junkyard has it 100% correct.

44 married with no kids,never wanted them tbh but never gave it too much thought and it just never happened.People always find it strange though and presume there must be a reason why you haven't had them.They are not obligatory and i don't doubt its the best thing that ever happens in someones life but what else can they say..

Im 33 - have a 2.5 year old. Has changed life beyond measure, but without question for the better. You love them more than you can describe. Its great fun as watching as he learns to do things like ride his balance bike. Cant wait till he's bigger and will be another friend to go camping/biking/climbing with!

http://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/no-kids-at-35

39, got a (v nearly) 7 yr old boy and 4 yr old girl. Bloody hard work, but I always wanted kids and don't regret it, even though they drive me crazy at times.

It does change your life , I hardly ever get to go biking anymore but biking with the boy is getting better.

I also have someone to play with on the beach on holidays now!!

Sleepless nights, being woken up at 6am as my daughter (3.5) roams around needing a poo, house being trashed, car seats getting wee'd on all pale into insignificance when she pulls me in tight as says "Daddy, you're my best friend"

She also loves bikes too, so it's OK

i don't doubt its the best thing that ever happens in someones life but what else can they say..

you just said you don't doubt it, but then doubted it.

I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. they brought meaning to my life. they let me experience emotions that I haven't experienced before so strongly. I love their innocence, their boldness and their honesty - they make you realise how mean, vain and dishonest adults can be.
that said, I find it an uphill battle to find the time to do the things that I want to do and that make me happy. Happy for different reasons.

First child at 40, wife was 32 at the time, for years said no kids... Now wish I had started earlier. Got. Two, and definitely having a great time ( well mainly ;-)) yes there are things we don't have the time or money for, but every time the kids smile/cuddle/etc it easily makes up for it. Having an understanding partner helps a lot though as I can normally squeeze Intime for bike riding most weeks.
Never understood the idea that it brings you closer together, that's just plain nuts.
Don't have them if you can't compromise or won't sacrifice.

I have 2 boys 18 and 16.
Junky is bang on the money.
I'm typing this from my campervan after spending the day at Sherwood pines riding with the 16yr old. They are my best mates. Cannot imagine how empty the house will be when they go to Uni.
We are always skint, never really bothered about owning stuff, doing things with the boys and MrsCat is all I really need.

thats really helpful, thanks for the honesty.
Thanks for the link, sorry didnt think this would be a topic that came up too often.

Unless you have taken a vow of holy life or with some sort of medical condition you should have a child/children, however you should not breed like rabbit just because you can coz the society cannot feed them for you.

Those that decide not to have them are perfectly fine too but just try to make sure you do not rely too much on the society when you are frail. You got money no problem ... pay in advance please.

🙂

This is one of the most clichéd and divisive subjects ever discussed anywhere.

My advice would be:-

You should treat every bit of 'advice' you get as anecdotal at best.

Treat any advice you get that either talks about one choice or the other as 'selfish' or does not acknowledge that we are all different and their decision is the right one for you with the contempt it deserves.

Try to forget society norms or family and peer pressure and work out what is truly right for you.

I have just read the other thread to the end. Very helpful.
Thank you

MoreCashThanDash - Member
Turned out "we" had been trying longer than I'd been aware of.

Pretty much turned my world and plans upside down. Devastated them, frankly.

He's 12 now. Best thing that happened to me, and his sister. Career plans never recovered, always busy, no spare cash, but so much more fulfilled and a much broader range of friends and experiences.

Pretty much word for word the same for me.

Now 37 and a Dad of three, 10, 6 and 4 years old.

had 2 in close succession as part of a master (well, mistress) plan in mid-30s. Life utterly changed. Wouldn't be without them.

Looking forward to a resurgent career that increases wealth sufficiently to afford them both passage to the Netherlands or Germany for university education.

Never before have you the mixed polarity of emotion that kin offer... I can't decide if I want to put them in a blender or hug them forever sometimes!!

DrP

Our first came along 3 months ago, I'm 42 and wouldn't change anything, I've found the last few months both humbling and invigorating. When I was younger kids never really came to mind, but I'm glad we have him.

Never wanted kids until a few years ago. Our first is due in October. I'm 39

I've got 4 boys, 2x 4 year olds (one at the end of a relationship, one at the begin of another, we split, i went back to mother 1) a 3 year old and a 9 month old

😆 😳 😥 ❗ 😕 🙄 😆

anyway

ignore all the above, its cliched shite, its the ****est job in the world, who would chose no money, no social life, no etc etc, I'm not even going to follow it up with a but, because, at the moment, the bad, FAAAAAARRRRRRRR outweigh the good, they are destructive, petulant, abusive, manipulative little ****s,

they fight constantly, they don't listen, etc etc

and we both working in challenging behaviour settings, (Rampton and other Mental Health Services) and its by far and away the most challenging behaviour we have encountered

you'll never eat a warm meal again, you'll won't sleep comfortably in your own bed for at least a year,

you'll encounter people lying like **** on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram/Singletrack about perfect little Molly who farts flowers and is a joy to be around who sleeps 23 hours a day and is polite

make every surface in your house wipe clean

have more than 1 kid and nobody wants to babysit, ever

nobody wants you round their house,

grandparents will just feed them shit and undermine you every time you visit,

you cannot eat out anywhere without a scene, you cannot even eat at home without a scene

you cannot go shopping, even popping to the co-op is a challenge

yours is always the kid to act up, just because they can

you will not go cycling, they will not want to go cycling, you will not buy a stupid ****ing cargo bike or a surly dummy or a trailer because they will try and fling themselves out of it and into the traffic at any give moment, they will not wear a helmet for more than 14 seconds,

people keep saying, ahhhh its just because they are boys, they will settle down, bollocks, one day, one day, someone is going to say "how did you manage to put up with that for so long"

you'll take them to nursery, who will just lie and say they are angels for the ofsted reports or whatever

shit at washing bikes as well

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For balance you need to go and ask on Mumsnet too.

47, female. Made a big choice around the age of 30 with a then boyfriend who adamantly, unchangeably didn't want children. I decided the payoff of spending my life with my true love was a good trade off. It wasn't his fault that he died when I was 37. I could have done something about it in the fertile years, for sure, but actually it wasn't something I wanted enough to do with someone who would have effectively been an "he'll do". So I didn't bother.

Fortunately I never really went through the oh my god my eggs are dying phase, but sailed through the years of diminishing fertility and don't really give it a second thought. Probably because a second thought and a what might have been is a waste of time and may prove upsetting, who knows. As it is, I was, for a bit, mortgage free until I chose not to be. I was for a bit, without a job, because I chose not to have one. I have a camper van, four bikes, a good man, friends and an active and happy existence. I have kids in my life - a couple of nephews and a godson, and that's really really really great to have. For me, that seems to be the key, still having contact with the next generation, and being able to be cool aunty is just awesome.

dirtyrider says most of the truth about kids.

My perception is that up to 4yrs it's a 50:50 call as to whether I'd do it all over again. After that the odds improve a bit.

The hidden traps are that your relationship with the mum will degrade, not improve...

.. and parenting is basically an exercise in failure. If you add up all my failings pre-kids they don't get close to the amount of failure since then. You pretty much get everything wrong and regardless of what you try it more often than not ends in a mess. If you're happy with that then go for it.

[I'mm 44 with two girls, 8 and 10]

.. and parenting is basically an exercise in failure. If you add up all my failings pre-kids they don't get close to the amount of failure since then. You pretty much get everything wrong and regardless of what you try it more often than not ends in a mess. If you're happy with that then go for it.

Who's doing the judging Reggie?

Not being snarky, just I think it's a hard enough job without thinking about it like that.

32 and got 2 boys (4+7) and 1 girl (16 months). Wife wanted kids early, I wasn't really that fussed about having any at any of the times so went along with it. Had times when we were properly skint though that was more my fault buying bike stuff than child related, both boys extremely hard work some of the time but wouldn't change any of it. Can't wait for them to be old enough to come out and do things together like proper rides, climbing, motorbikes, etc....

As for people saying no spare money or social life, being on here I assume you have a bicycle of some form or another and time to ride it.....

It will change everything
Priorities change, at first the lack of sleep and disruption are huge
Ime You have to stick to routines and organise your life much much more than before (Google calendar, synched to our phones, is a lifesaver!)
It helps if you and your partner communicate well and having friends and family nearby you can rely on for help if needed

We were 34 when we had our first, now 4 years old and have another now 2 yrs, my wife would love more though I'm happy with 2 !
Do regret starting so late, but then we had a lot of adventures and partying thru our 20s and early 30s which were awesome, but we now drink far less, no more weed and don't waste Sat, Sunday mornings hungover in bed

Biking takes a hit, I try to arrange any rides well in advance and have the in-laws down to help out on trips away

I do feel a bit guilty when I'm out riding sometimes, but as we've got a trailer..... I'll post this again

Just to add balance, having kids doesn't automatically make you skint and/or unable to have fancy holidays and the like. But earning less than you spend certainly does.

3 kids (21, 20 and 16), mortgage free, decent cars, bikes, horses, holidays etc.

And kids are for life, my grandma taught me that - she looked after all of us, from kids to great-great-grand kids.

Looking at it from another perspective.....as a teacher I would say the 'best' parents I work with are the ones who have a life of their own and the best families are those where the kids go along/support their parent's activities as much as the other way around. Kids that grow up thinking its all about them and their parents dedicate their lives to making little Jonnies every dream come true rarely turn out as well balanced individuals. Active parents with their own interests act as inspiration and role models, much much better than 'dad the taxi driver' which a lot of parent believe is their role in life.

My favourite family is one where the sons are mad swimmers and the parents are up at silly o'clock to get them to the pool for training and to weekend training camps and volunteer to help the son's club. In return the dad is a cross channel swimmer and its the kids stood at the shore on watch or in the kayak acting as support for training. The mum is an ironwoman triathlete and the rest of the family are always out supporting her too.

I'm 32 and we have a little boy who is nine months old next week. He's ace, I love him to bits but parenting is bloody hard work. Its relentless.

The pregnancy was easy, the birth was tough and his early weeks were hard (in hospital for a week at three weeks with a blood infection), he struggled with breast feeding and loads of people made us feel like failures for using formula yo top him up, we had two months when he just wouldn't sleep which was awful. But, coming hone yo a big smile, flapping arms and having dada babbles at you is pretty damn cool. Seeing him do / learn new stuff is awesome too. I just find myself watching him sometimes and smiling.

It's hard on your relationship though, there are times when you just have silly arguments over nothing because of lack of sleep. We're both pretty tired all the time. What with work and general stuff, finding time to do our own stuff can be hard (bike time can cause conflict as I've found out), finding time for family time and couple time is all one big balancing act.

I genuinely think that the good outweighs the bad, but I doubt that we'll have another one, for lots of reasons including financial. We saved loads of money before he arrived to make up shortfalls from paternity and maternity pay to make sure that we didn't need to worry about money. I'm not sure that we could do that again now.

For years me and the missus lived quite a selfish, possibly decadent lifestyle.Left it almost too late, but luckily became 40 something parents.I wish we'd done it younger ,simply so I wasn't so tired.ha.
Like kimbers, I too get guilt trips when I'm cycling &I have to be creative fitting in enough riding to keep me happy.
If you and your partner both love each other and it's what you both want , go for it. Not easy but very rewarding.
I do sometimes miss the freedom of no kids but then i usually have to clean up some poo (toilet training)and i forget about it...... 😀

no kids. no desire for kids.

I'm 38 and now have two, a six year old boy, and a girl who's nearly 2. They're unbelievably hard work, but they're the best thing ever.

I've read the OP's other post and at 25 I also never wanted kids, even to the extent of considering a vasectomy. I met my wife when I was 24, and we got married when I was 28. Didn't think much about kids kids but always agreed we'd only ever do it when we were financially reasonably stable. Jobs and career went well, so when I was 32 my mind changed and we went for it. My wife was 29/30 at the time.

Never looked back. My little girl was born four years after the lad because we felt that was a reasonable gap between them (and it took us that long to save up for a house with another bedroom!).

Interesting what people say about having no money or time after kids. I completely disagree. I'm busier for sure, but I'm also much better at fitting things in. My career has gone from strength to strength, and having the kids has actually helped. Lessons learnt with them can be applied at work, and not just in handling staff and co-workers who behave like children. I'm much calmer and I no longer worry about how difficult things are at work, because in comparison to being a father, they're nothing. I also manage to find ten hours a week to train for marathon running as well.

All in all, I'd suggest just giving it time. Priorities shift over time, and no-one is the person they were ten years ago or will be in another ten years.