[Closed] Charging 23 year old Daughter keep?

My parents took rent off me, can't remember how much. I thought it was fair. When i came to buying a house, my mum told me they had saved all the money id been paying, and gave me it back towards the deposit. I'll be doing this with mine.

At some point it's not your room anymore

really?

Wow.

Just for the avoidance of doubt, I'm glad I'll never say that to my own children, because that is a monumentally sucky attitude to take.

Definitely should pay enough to cover power/water/food/etc costs but not sure I'd go above that - though saving it up to give back later is worthwhile.

It'd be fair for her to offer to help towards the bills. She's a grown up, age of majority and all that, so she should pay her own way where possible.

edit- I got a part time job at 16 (7 hours at £2.50 an hour- I was rich!) and asked my mam to stop my pocket money (£5 a week). I paid keep/board/whatever you want to call it when I moved back home after uni for a bit because it's the right thing to do and I was a grown up.

Just for the avoidance of doubt, I'm glad I'll never say that to my own children, because that is a monumentally sucky attitude to take.

At what point do you say we are not subsidising you any more you're an adult?

I get it that many folk can't afford to support another, earning, adult but many can (especially STWers). I guess it might be a choice between generosity to your offspring or the latest carbon toy / campervan / alps holiday / wood-burning stove.

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t's your child, why would you want to take money from them?

If at this point you want to continue to allow them to live like a child and treat them like a child then that is your choice.

Grown up pay their way, its what adults have to do, even child like one.

Is that not a pretty patronising thing to say to some-one?

Even your own kids?

Might I suggest that you asking for rent here is a form of jealousy?

Would not charge either of mine board they can stay as long as they like. Have got them this far without taking money off them

Sure why not if you want to look nuts why don't you just suggest that ...if that is not a troll then I depair.

Right, so I have a relationship with my kids that I suggest I won't want their money, that's it, that's the only difference here. No one is talking about anything else (well apart from nonsense about life lessons) and your response to that is to think I'm trolling....

Is your view on people who have different views from you always so narrowly skewed? 😯

You won't be saying that when they're 23 and emptying your fridge.....

TBH I couldn't wait to get out of the house after sixth form if they've got cash and are clinging on it's because they're taking the piss. ANy self respecting 23 year old with cash in their pocket would be making plans for their own place, surely.(appreciate that for some it's a genuine financial impossibility at the minute)

Is your view on people who have different views from you always so narrowly skewed?

Says the person who said

Might I suggest that you asking for rent here is a form of jealousy?

Face palm.
Not only is this narrow minded its immensely daft as folk have said clearly why they think rent should be charged. you are free to disagree with them on this and you are free to make up the reason, and a pretty rude one at that, just as I am free to mock you for these massive leaps of fancy totally at odds with the facts

The idea that children will only learn about budgeting and so forth by having to pay their parents to live with them is certainly an interesting one. I wonder what other "life lessons" can only be taught by direct experience rather than by communication?

I put this discussion into the same "aren't folk strange" category as those suggesting partners should have seperate bank accounts and "what's mine is mine/ what's hers (his), is hers (his)".

Pretty much every skill has to be taught by doing doesn't it - did you get better at bikepacking with experience or did you not need to bother practicing?

Did you explain to kids how to cook buy them a book and then cook every single meal for them for ever as they don't need to practice?

£20 is hardly draconian and the very least a working adult has to do is cover their own food bill. Its about paying your way, having some self respect and not taking the piss out of your parents even though they would let you because they love you.

Firstly: Is that not a pretty patronising thing to say to some-one?

No, not really. The only people that it would be patronising to are those who were already contributing.

Secondly: Even your own kids? (and again, there's another thread not far from here extolling the virtues of unconditional love being something reserved ONLY for children)

Were I to have any then yes, and it's not incompatible with unconditional love. Unconditional love doesn't mean giving your children everything they want.

Referring to a 23 year old as a "kid" seems to me to be wrong. At this age you're not a child anymore you're an adult. Granted these situations should be based on individual circumstances say for instance she was saving to fund a some charity work then I'd be more inclined to help out but not charging any keep but to fund a "ski bum" type lifestyle? No, that's not something I'd think was appropriate.

When I first started work in 1982 earning a massive £60 a week my Mum got £15 of it every week that was 25% of my income. According to an inflation calculator [url= http://www.moneysorter.co.uk/calculator_inflation2.html ]here[/url] that equals £37.01 in today's money although that seems a bit low to me.

My Mum & Dad charged me an on-market amount in the 80s (can't remember how much, but it was around 1/3rd of what I earned).

When I bought a flat they gave it all back to me, I used it to pay a chunk off the mortgage and buy some stuff to set the house up.

I plan to do the same with mine, if the circumstances arise.

That it's in the form of token rent here, is largely irrelevant, the cost of 3 people in a house in negligible compared to just 2. There are two answers as far as I can see it.

1. your grown up kids are freeloading off you, and you resent that behaviour.
2. You need the money.

If it's 1, then you bear some responsibility for that, negotiate accordingly. If it's 2, then....you bear some responsibility for that, negotiate accordingly...

The cost to feed, heat and wash a 3rd person is not negligible unless your into shared baths and always eating together, which is not always what a 23yr old wants to do, so...

3. The want help to cover some of that cost.

When I went to UNI I stayed at home as it was close, my parents asked for some rent as it was only fair given the alternative was moving into accom (and I had a part time job to pay it). They didn't need to ask for it, but being able to provide it to them actually made me proud to pay them back a little for supporting me. Why do you find that weird?

That the OP hasn't learned those "Important lessons in life" is not necessarily the fault of the child...Might I suggest that you asking for rent here is a form of jealousy?

as others have said, that statement just makes you sound like a prat.

Pretty much every skill has to be taught by doing doesn't it - did you get better at bikepacking with experience or did you not need to bother practicing?

Don't screw folk over.
Don't smoke.
No means no.

I think these are things that can be taught without practice. Don't waste your money, plan your spending and save for a rainy day are similar.

Is not smoking a skill now? So you can "not smoke" without practicing not smoking....you sure about that?

Don't screw folk over - really you want to claim you never did anything ever to make them practice this? You ignored them when they were selfish, petulant, self indulgent ?

Fair enough if you want to teach your kids to be responsible adults by telling them how to do it properly and then not doing it as you keep them infantilised as you pay for everything then that is your choice.

Context matters as well

I assume all of us would let kids live at home whilst they saved for a house for nothing . Some of us might if they do it to save for travelling. Fewer still if they do it so they can buy lots of shoes.

's all about sharing isn't it.

When they are children they get to share in all the priveleges that come with being part of a family but without any of the responsibilities.
As they grow up, you give them more responsibilities to prepare them to be independent adults able to function on their own.
This includes sharing the obligations and burdens which make all the good stuff possible.
That includes going to work to earn money to pay for the stuff we need to survive.

Our job as parents is to prepare our grown up children to deal with the realities of life and triumph, not to insulate them as we did when they were little children and needed our protection.

It's not a question of taking money from your children. It's more about allowing the adults who share your home to share in the grown up responsibilities which go with living there.
If any of my kids get to 23 and don't insist on sharing in that responsibilty then i'll have failed.

£20? Have you got a spare room?

first of, £20 isn't rent, it's a token. So, if you desperately need the money, then charge the going rate, if you don't need the money (and I'd suggest you don't by the sound of it), it's your child, why would you want to take money from them? (serious question BTW)

Do they really need that lesson in life that nothing is a free ride, even from their own parents*..? (I wonder no longer why their are folk on here with such bad relationships with their kith and kin, that taking money from your kids and siblings is seen as "a right")

Second £800 sounds loads,but has she got loans you don't know about? is she saving for something? student loans? It might be that her available cash is £20.00 a week...How do you know that she already hasn't learned about budgets and has already planned for that money, all we have is you're side of the story after all.

* Essentially what you're saying here is "Everyone in life wants money from you...Even we do. Suck it up"! Go you...you little neo liberal money machine you....

I certainly didn't resent it when my parents asked for £80/month from my income support the year after I left Uni - they didn't need it but as it was being paid to me so I could support myself why shouldn't they take some of it if they're supporting me rather than me just drink it away or buy another bit of cycling equipment I didn't need. Sure I probably shouldn't have claimed income support in my situation (even though I was entitled to) but I've repaid it several times over in the 23 years of employment since

I had advance warning that when I turned 18 I'd be paying my own way, staying at home or not. IIRC it was £200 a month which was the going rate for studenty accomodation at the time. Was a sweet deal considering sky, laundry, meals, no bills etc.

I think you'd be teaching her a valuable life lesson by taking a similar approach.

So glad there are do many taking a pragmatic approach to this. Thought I might have been wrong when junkyard agreed with my position but it's ok now.

When I was an adult, earning, and living with my parents I paid a share of the household costs. I thought this was the fair and responsible thing to do. I would be disappointed if my children thought that, as adults, they had no responsibility to look after themselves.

Hmmm... by 23 I'd graduated uni, moved to Aberdeen for a job and was paying my own rent, food, bills etc.

I left home shortly after I started Uni at 18/19ish - shared a flat with two mates where I slept in the corner of the lounge and ate crap "food" from Kwik-Save.

My folks covered the rent at mates rates and helped out with the odd bit of cash, but I worked various part time jobs around my studies to pay for food, bills, beer and books.

And I consider myself pretty damn privileged.

So YANBU. At 23 she should be paying something, not getting a free ride.

Love the way we are still calling a 23 year old 'your child' no it is now your adult. One of my sons mates got a good job and his parents decided not to take any digs off him as he would save and get his own place (he didn't and spends all his cash partying it up) no real savings.I know an adult that paid no digs and lived with parents till 30's (pensioner parents have bailed them out more than once since getting their own place). Me I do not need any cash off my YOUNG ADULTS but will still take digs from them and will more than likely help them out financially later on in life.

As a sort of aside to the purely financial side, some of the very worst human beings I've ever met in my life, could attribute their numerous objectionable character traits back to being obviously indulged by their parents

yeah.. I left home at 15... dunno what's going on here..

I was trying to get the wording right on some sort of 'if your spoiled brat 23 year old daughter is running rings around you, no wonder you were so worried about europe ripping you off' type jibe... but I cannae be arsed

The problem with her paying nothing or very little is it creates a disincentive to move out, so in the future she may want to move out but not like losing so much spending money. Keeping the money (if you can afford to do so) and saving it as a future property deposit seems a great idea.

My parents have charged me £50+ from age 18 onwards and now 12 years later I'm paying £60 a week.

The house is just a 2 bedroom barrot house in Hag Fold. Not exactly a house with high upkeep.

My sister however gets to live there for free! Just because I'm on £45k and she's on minimum wage. Yet she is going on holiday every month (usually parents paying for her) and I'm going once every 2 years if lucky due to limited time off work and I'm always paying the full amount.

It pisses me off beyond belief. I'm getting my own house next month anyway.

Enrol her on that Bear Gryls Survivor programme and send her to starve to death in a malaria infested swamp

That'll learn her!

Since I turned 18 and started earning money if I was at home with the parents then I would be expected to pay some keep.

£200 a month was the going rate seemingly no matter what I earnt and I thought that was a bargain.

The house is just a 2 bedroom barrot house in Hag Fold. Not exactly a house with high upkeep.

Have I got this right? You're 30, earn £45k and live with your parents and sister in 2 bedroom house? Do you at least get the top bunk?

My parents have charged me £50+ from age 18 onwards and now 12 years later I'm paying £60 a week.

The house is just a 2 bedroom barrot house in Hag Fold. Not exactly a house with high upkeep.

My sister however gets to live there for free! Just because I'm on £45k and she's on minimum wage. Yet she is going on holiday every month (usually parents paying for her) and I'm going once every 2 years if lucky due to limited time off work and I'm always paying the full amount.

It pisses me off beyond belief. I'm getting my own house next month anyway.

When you get your new house, take in a lodger at £60 a week and provide them with everything your parents currently provide you.

Then see how pissed off you get with the deal.

Like many things in life, who cares what anyone else thinks, do what you think is best.

FWIW, you have children and they're YOUR responsibility - at some point they'll be helping you. Which is the stage we are now at with our parents. Our kids are 22, 21 and 17.

Son No 1 - we (and his in-laws) are paying the costs for them to buy their first house, not deposit.
Son No 2 - we paid for the rent on a room for him during his 3-year apprenticeship (away from home and beyond commuting distance). He's now in a cracking job and just moved into a house rented by himself and his g/f.
Son No 3 - still lives at home, just finished college. He works p/t in a local hotel.

Haven't taken any money off any of them, apart from when they've paid back money 'lent' for lump-sum items (eg car insurance paid annually for <21 y/o is seriously expensive, but hundreds cheaper than monthly instalments).

To put that into context, my Granny paid her three kids deposits to buy houses, and she then did it for seven of the grandchildren. And she used to send a cheque every Christmas/birthday to everyone of us plus spouses. She always said "can't take it with you".

grannyjone's post has got to be a joke surely!!!!? 😯

I think it's totally OK to charge her. As soon as I finished uni and got a job I asked my parents if they wanted a contribution to the house bills. My bother who is two years older also still living with the parents was very upset at me as suddenly his rent free lifestyle came to an end.

Amusingly a colleague is in the opposite situation

His parents separated and his Mum got a house which she recently sold and moved into my colleague's rental property. She has yet to pay him anything, or mention that she might, he tells me he wants enough to cover the mortgage on it. Thing is he has a mortgage on his own place too and wanted to sell the rental one but now can't. She has £200k in the bank 😀

The house is just a 2 bedroom barrot house in Hag Fold. Not exactly a house with high upkeep.

Hang on a minute? Hag Fold in Atherton? And you earn 45k?

Are you a drug dealer? 😆

Also it's taken you [b]12 years[/b] on good money paying nominal rent to save up to buy a house in Atherton? Are you getting high on your own supply?

A house, in atherton

http://www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-60364685.html

I paid £50 a week to my parents to live at home in 1982 when I was earning £150 a week as a shift engineer.

I even managed to save for a house as well.

…different times.

I wouldn't charge rent, or if I did, I'd save it for them then give it back as deposit. (Supposing I was at all able to help them, rather than squeeze them even more than our weird economy now does.)

Food and expenses, fair enough.

But I don't think I'd come on all landlord and start charging actual rent. Just seems like twisting the knife. Depends on the offspring though I suppose.

I can top all these paying parent rent stories.

15yrs old my parents move 250+ miles away. They rent out one room to a lodger (His money was paid direct to mum and dad), my 18yr old brother agrees to pay £120 per month keep which covered the council tax (I as a 15yr old boy was responsible for paying this) and i was to use my £25 per week wages from a saturday job to keep me in food and clothes and whatever else a 15yr old needed whilst doing their GCSE's.

12mths later i was pocketing most of the £120 per month to try to eat and clothe myself. By the time i was 17 my mum and dad got a County court summons for unpaid council tax. I had just started my 1st job and my dad frogmarched me to the bank to withdraw every penny of the £2000 i had saved up from 12yrs old to 16yrs old doing the milk round. I had to get a loan as well to cover the rest of the bill.

Moved out very soon after.

I will charge my kids rent at the going rate but it will be banked for them to use for a deposit when needed.

We’ve only got a young family (so I may land up eating my own words) but my own experience of standing on my own two feet and watching friends completely unable to do this even into their thirties has led me to conclude:

- Getting a part time job at a youngish age (14+) was a good way for me to learn how the world works and how hard many people have to work just to earn the “minimum” wage
- Not getting loads of pocket money forced me to get a part time job. This actually gave me some financial independence from parents – as well as teaching me to value the things I’d worked hard for / saved for and appreciate how difficult it is for adults who only have limited incomes to live on
- These two experiences combined with part time work from 14 right through A-Levels and University meant that when I finished my degree I was already financially independent and head learnt to keep my spending within a weekly budget

I didn’t expect a free ride when I finished Uni and was independent from that point on.

I think the OP should:

- Have an open discussion about the state of her finances
- Encourage her to set and stick to a weekly budget
- Charge her a sensible amount to cover the actual costs of keeping her
- Put the money she pays to one side (without telling her) and when she’s grown up a bit and is trying to buy a flat give the money back to help buy furniture after she’s saved for the deposit.

If she doesn’t grow up hold on to the money and use it to pay for stamp duty and downsize to a smaller property with one less bedroom to force the issue 😆

I met a guy in a pub who was saying he had charged his kids keep since they were earning. They hated it but, got used to the idea of paying their way.

He had been putting all the money in a dedcated account. When they moved out "they" had saved up fair chunks for deposits, which he got to return them as a gift (even though it was their own earnings)

Pissing it away on a ski season AND living at home rent free seems a bit arse.
If they really dont like it, they can move out!

Personally, i didn't sit about at home looking for a local job for long. I looked nationally, got a job much quicker, and ended up getting paid enough to rent a room elsewhere in the country. The lack of a hole in my CV has gone a long way i think.

Life for young people in the 70s:

Stay on for A-levels/Bac etc. (it was also possible to get a job straight out of school and for some that was a better option)
Work though uni to top up the grant. No charge to parents
Job straight out of uni on reasonable pay, enough to live independently on or pay the parents rent if asked for.
Have fun.
Meet partner in 20s
Buy house
have kids, late 20s through early 30s

In 2016

Very few jobs straight out of school so most stay on to 18.
Very few jobs at 18 so most go on to further education or training. No grants and there are £9000 a year fees to pay
Graduate but need to specialize to get a job so it's another two years of debt building.
Finally get a job but the pay is lousy in relation to rent so there's nothing left to save.
Meet partner.
House prices are prohibitive but they feel obliged to get on the property ladder so they beg and borrow and buy something. They're now earning enough to pay off the student loans so there's not much left over.
They can't afford to have kids so postpone that.
The years go by and they finally get their heads far enough above water to afford a kid, but the lady is 37 and can't get pregnant and it's his "fault" so they pay expensive trips to Spain.
Child arrives

Junior didn't choose to be born, we decided that. We also budgeted for getting him to 25 with lots of useful skills and enjoyable experiences. I haven't counted how much it cost to get him through his ski training to the point he's ESF but I do know there's another 10-15 000e to pay for. Science Politique will cost a nice camper van but it's not "either or" so why not pay both? After that he might have a business idea and turn to venture capitalist parents. I wouldn't feel happy about putting an artificial financial limit on his creative ability. Is money for hoarding or spending?

My first job out of Uni was stacking boxes in a warehouse on minimum wage, my folks didn't charge me for digs while I worked there but when I got a "proper" job a few months later they did. IIRC it was £40/week when being paid £12k/year. This was quite a long time ago.

Paid rent to my parents once out of education and back home for my summer job and made contributions to stuff during the summer job whilst in education.
Because my summer job had variable hours (from a couple to all of them), rent was set as 25% of take home with a £200 cap /month. Bargain considering when I did get home, clothes were washed and the kitchen was full.
One winter job became permanent, so I didn't move back home.
This rent paid has reappeared as rental deposit, legal fees when we bought somewhere and our woodburner.
And they got some holidays out of it too.

£50 per week seems fair enough. just as a token gesture to the real world.

Question for the rent chargers who are keen for their offspring to learn financial self reliance, do you expect them to get it or do you show them the spreadsheet of costs you keep to track your own expenditure?

TBH whether or not I charge rent to my daughter when she's older (she's 5 now...), I shall teach her how much you need to earn to maintain the lifestyle to which she's accustomed.

I moved out to uni soon after turning 18 and apart from uni holidays I never moved back. Had I done so, I'd have expected to pay for my upkeep, be it from whatever dole I managed had I been out of work, or from my wages if I were working. I'll apply this to my own kid when she's at that age, and assuming I don't need the money, will do what others have suggested, and hide it until she's serious about a wedding / house.

Living away from home in a shared house, looking at the meagre wages your mates earn while you're at uni makes it a bit easier to appreciate how hard your own parents must have worked to get to where they have. A nice lifestyle isn't a right. Sure, it's something I'll always want my daughter to have, but at the same time I'll want her to get it through applying herself, not though generous handouts from MrsZ and I.

grannyjone's post has got to be a joke surely!!!!?

Ourman, yes, I showed them what it cost to run the house. Mortgage, council tax, utilities, food, the insurance on the car they could borrow. They realised just how hard it would be to have the lifestyle they were used to on minimum wage. They agreed that what they were paying was a bargain.

To be honest I might just pay my lad lads to move out once they're old enough. Just can't see them moving on these days like we did (18 when I left). It's going to be hell with 2 grown men plus me in the house..... I can see my dreams of a peaceful existence shattering the older they get.

Have I got this right? You're 30, earn £45k and live with your parents and sister in 2 bedroom house? Do you at least get the top bunk?

Every time I've felt down this morning, I've re-read this...
Chuckle!

DrP

We packed ours off to uni, we paid for his accommodation, phone, shopping blah blah blah and told him when he's done he's not coming back to live here but he was welcome home for Sunday dinners and Christmas,
He's just finished and got a good degree and not tried to come back, woohoo!!! 😀 when he lived here for free with included catering and laundry services he was a little twonk who thought life owed him a living..
#Happydaysarehereagain..
#lifestooshorttobeanotheradultsmug.

when he lived here for free with included catering and laundry services he was a little twonk who thought life owed him a living..

At Christmas I always tried to get a case of wine delivered to my folks as my part of the deal, they chucked on so much food etc.

If you love somebody set them free, even if it means poking em out the door with a stick...

Sounds good, Khani. Our little twonk left the house in a huff earlier because I was only prepared to pay for a mid-range Di (guitar interface thing) rather than the top of the range model that I wouldn't even buy for myself.

My parents have charged me £50+ from age 18 onwards and now 12 years later I'm paying £60 a week.

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Gif saved for future use. Blessed in Blackadder cracks me up. 🙂

Well he's educated, knows the value of a pound, can cook a meal from basic ingredients and knows how a washing machine works,
if we drop dead tomorrow he knows how to look after himself, our work is done...
Educator that'd be offer withdrawn and go play a string on a broomstick I'm afraid, I feel your pain..

We've told our little twonk that when he leaves full time education we're leaving the country! He may decide to come with us, but if not he'll be fending for himself. If he's being responsible and needs a hand we'll probably give it. If he's not pulling his weight and being a bit of a twonk expecting handouts we'll probably be less forthcoming!

really?

Wow.

Just for the avoidance of doubt, I'm glad I'll never say that to my own children, because that is a monumentally sucky attitude to take.

One could suggest that the implication here - that even though you are grown up with kids of your own, part of your parents' house is still yours - is 'a monumentally sucky attitude to take'.

zippykona - Member
After years of nagging him my 22 year old nephew now pays my brother £40 a week.
My nephew is a brickie and earns a pound a brick.
His mum gets ups at 5.30 so she can drop him to work.



My nephew is a brickie and earns a pound a brick

Did he do a garage on here for someone?