Changing subconscious thoughts

Get a therapist. A qualified clinical psychologist etc can really (I mean *really*) help with stuff like this. And for what it's worth a lot of 'mindfulness' stuff can help too - a lot of it is backed by stringent academic research.

But critically, a therapist will help to determine which approach is best for you. CBT, for example, is very different to ACT in outlook, and some work well with one approach but not the others.

I’ve not ordered a take out for myself for over 2years for example

Do that then. Do I have to think of everything? 😁

Seriously, go for quick wins. You have the Internet, find a local Indian or Chinese and treat yourself. Push the boat out, have it delivered.

Will this fix a wider problem? Of course not. But it'll make you feel better, and feeling better even if fleeting will help empower you to do other stuff.

As for this:

I go into quite a lot of situations thinking ‘i can’t do this’ when in actual fact I can

Hate to break it to you bud, but everyone thinks this. Just that some are better than others at hiding it.

It's a tough habit to change. Finding a form of talking therapy that suits you is worth the effort, then sticking with it for a while, I'd also recommend practicing mindfulness as that can help you notice your thoughts before they run away on autopilot, which then gives you the chance to make a change. Headspace is a decent starting point for that. Oh and keeping a diary or notes along the lines of "thought about ordering a takeaway but didn't do it because..." - Fwiw I'm only just allowing myself to stop for coffee and cake on solo rides, and sometimes that's a struggle because eg "it's only an hour more and I can have a cuppa when I get home"

+1 for therapist, CBT, and mindfulness/meditation.

But it does seem to be an ongoing process of steps forwards then backwards with me, but generally moving forwards.

For me catching/recognising myself having thoughts is the first step, then it's a case of dealing with something if I can deal with it there and then, actively telling myself to 'STOP' if its just pointless negative worry (like replaying events or putting myself down), or distracting myself with an engaging activity.

"The things you say to yourself, about yourself, when you are by yourself, determine your actions."

I'm not an expert, but I've read a few things about this and you're definitely off to a good start trying to change your internal monologue. If you can just find a couple of positive things to say, you can start changing the way you approach life.

I've heard them called "affirmations". Not hand-wavey vague mantras like "things are getting better all the time", but statements you tell yourself, that you can believe. Even just something simple like "I'm worth looking after" can remind you that a takeaway every now and then is a worthwhile indulgence if it's something that makes you feel better.

There are all kinds of guides online on how to find and write your own affirmations. Take all of it with a pinch of salt, of course - there's a lot of think-yourself-rich claptrap - but just finding something positive about yourself that you can repeat every now and then to remind yourself, can start to change your thoughts, which in turn change your actions and your habits.

I needed someone to give me permission to succeed. After nearly 50 years of thinking like you are I went on a course called 'The Will to Act' where the mentor/tutor gave me permission to succeed. I got a coach, made a plan and for almost 10 years have been enjoying the permission I was given. It's not easy and I didn't suddenly become a multi millionaire or anything like that, but I do earn more and do a lot more things that I enjoy and less of the things that I used to endure.

Therapist, Life Coach or whatever you want to call them, if you can find the right one it works.

Hate to break it to you bud, but everyone thinks this.

I think so, or most of us. And though it's variable and very low confidence or esteem is a problem I think it's better to be a bit that way and aware of it rather than be over-confident or arrogant.
I don't know about the professional side of this but I can say what little I've been told about mindfulness has been helpful. eg the idea that you are not your thoughts, how the mind creates stories or dialogue that you can acknowledge, park to the side and examine another time. Like hill reps or practicing any skill the more you do it the more naturally it happens. However you get the guidance, woolly or clinical, I think there's some common threads.

‘why bother it’s only me, I’m fine’

I can relate to that. It might be a flipside of trying to be content with less which I think is a good thing generally. Appreciating some of the finer things can also be good, and finer doesn't mean anything specific - whatever we like.

Thanks everyone, really useful advice. I've tried therapy before but (and this isn't related to my issue) twins in childcare and a house to renovate I'd struggle to get the money together for it, I looked into thus about 5 years ago and remember trying to learn some of the techniques from books CBT etc, rather than go through the process myself.

Being hard on yourself after failure was another of mine too, it's heartening to know people have worked through similar things, I've been in a rut for a few weeks but have taken some energy from this thread to pick things up a bit, I'll do some more research tonight

I would advise a good place to start would be checking out your counties (if you are in England) NHS talking therapies service. You can self refer without having to go to the G.P. I can't say what your area will offer as each county does have slightly different treatment options and not all of them will be 1:1 talking with a practitioner. However, the techniques used will be CBT based and will teach you tools and techniques to help with thinking patterns. The first step is usually an online form or a conversation with a practitioner to help decide the next best steps for you. It may be deemed their support isn't the most suitable or perhaps required, however they will signpost you to relevant information or self help resources. I really would recommend this as a first step as it is free and you can self refer easily

https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-NHS-talking-therapies-service/

Being hard on yourself after failure was another of mine too, it’s heartening to know people have worked through similar things, I’ve been in a rut for a few weeks but have taken some energy from this thread to pick things up a bit, I’ll do some more research tonight

I haven't listened to it for a long time, so I don't know what it's like now, but the early episodes of "the High Performance Podcast" (not as ****y as it sounds: https://www.thehighperformancepodcast.com/ ) were superb for this - and free. One of the things they and their interviewees keep coming back to is: failure is how we learn. We shouldn't fear it, we should accept it as a natural part of trying and growing. Our society, and the vacuous media and social media that surround us, fears failure and mocks it. But nobody succeeds without failing, nobody learns without failing, nobody grows without making mistakes. If you've had some failures, good on you, it means you've been trying - and you've learned enough to know what went wrong and what you wouldn't do next time! Don't beat yourself up, just dust yourself off and keep looking for what you want to change. 🙂

I have had various rounds of therapy and there's quite a difference between approaches, impact, and even just gelling with the therapist. FYI, expect to pay £50 a 50min online session if you can scrape it together. You might be able to get it for free via self referral/NHS waiting list too.

I think there is benefit in the external probing you get from a therapist - it catches your ways of thinking that you don't notice are dysfunctional. But, I also get that if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. With that in mind, a few helpful pointers I had were:

What would you say to a friend in your position? Do you say things to yourself that you wouldn't say to a friend? Is the thought you just had what you would say out loud to a friend? It's a handy way to try and take your thoughts outside of yourself/rumination.

'Should' - catch yourself using this word. Change it: is it a 'could' or a 'must'? This helps you figure out the difference between actual responsibilities and essentials tasks, and expectations you're setting for yourself.

'Is this real' - is the thing you're thinking really actually happening and definitely proved to be that way, or are you worrying about things that might happen, or making assumptions about what someone thinks/how they will react.

Notice when things work out, or you do things well. All the things you worried about that didn't happen - and all the energy you didn't need to expend worrying about them. The reinforcement of 'that went ok' or 'I managed that' feels good, even on little things.

Learning to catch myself thinking before I get in the hole has taken some practice. I can't really explain how, but it's something like becoming consciously aware of your thoughts, then pausing them, checking them, and then carrying on. If you've ever tried to learn a new skill on the bike, or been to a coaching session, it's kind of similar - you have to be aware of what your body is doing, whereas usually it's all automatic. Once you clock that your pedals aren't level, or your body positioning is wrong, you can start to try and correct it.

This might be useful (came from one of my therapists), particularly the STOP technique and Distorted Thinking pages:

Your title is "changing your thoughts" and guessing that an "academic leaning" is something you've always done, so maybe it time to change that thinking too??

But I don't think there is a definitive way (like there isn't a definitive way of living) Just as long as you are on the road and enjoying the journey. Please don't rule out any method, be open minded (or maybe more importantly open hearted !!) and go with what actually FEELS good.

Having said that, I have got lots out of Stoic philosophy, which is very "level headed"

Good luck, have fun.

Edit (after OP posted more) ...... Please watch Stutz on Netflix.

everyone thinks this.

I think so, or most of us.

Lack of confidence is somewhat common, but it's not universal.

I used to have it, and I don't have any more.

OP 3-6 months is too short a timeframe to sort it. It's almost a lifetime's work. However it can be improved.

What worked for me, and it will be different for you, is a combination of therapy, fear management techniques and mindfulness, and repeatedly putting myself outside of my comfort zone.

Now I'm at the point where I've a) made a complete fool of myself so many times that I no longer care and b) have enough small victories (and very occasional absolute triumph) to motivate me to keep going.

Going and learning to dance, and doing acting (classes and actual acting) helped me massively.

But I don’t think there is a definitive way (like there isn’t a definitive way of living) Just as long as you are on the road and enjoying the journey. Please don’t rule out any method, be open minded (or maybe more importantly open hearted !!) and go with what actually FEELS good.

Generally good advice. Dismissal of things is just rationalisation.

However, I'd say that the most rewarding things for me have been when I've been most out of my comfort zone and definitely not feeling good at the time.

take a look at NLP, Neuro-Linguistic Programming, there may be someone in your area who you could have a chat to about it, plenty of resources online too.

yes you can change your subconscious thoughts, I did it myself and continue to work on it. It's a lifelong process I think!

I have successfully used EFT or emotional freedom therapy, firstly with a tutor/counselor and then on my own once you understand the basics. You are basically rewiring your learned thoughts/reactions to specific triggers in your life. In a nutshell you are brainwashing yourself to think differently. You stimulate a variety of trigger points on your head and body while reciting a specific positive mantra repeatedly. You decide what the mantra is, and it is specific to you and how you want to feel. Clearly it sounds bonkers but it is a very useful tool, and really it's very similar to a lot of positive affirmation/visualization type exercises that get used in sport.

I have also done some CBT, very good and worthwhile. It has many facets, some relevant some not. But it can help you identify and think about your thoughts, where they come from and why they aren't always true.

It's worth remembering that thoughts and beliefs are very often learned, and can therefore be unlearned. You probably have the same thoughts as your parents for example.

You can find eft technique on you tube

Life is all about balance IME. As much as I sacrifice the vast majority of my time, money, opportunities etc for my family. There are times when I will be a bit selfish and prioritise myself above them. These are only small things like spending a day out on my bike or buying something nice for my bike. But it's healthy to put yourself first at times, like I said, it's a balance.

Try a therapist, it just might work. You are worth it. Occasionally you should spoil yourself by splashing out, you might just enjoy it. 

selfish

There's a great example of the use of language.

Are you being selfish, or are you considering all things in balance and making a considered choice to prioritise your own self-care after ensuring you've done your fair share of heavy lifting for the family?

Ok, less selfless. 

Re: internal dialogue:

“Words are energy and cast spells, that's why it's. called spelling.”

I am a big fan of talking therapies.  I prefer the exploratory person centered stuff by and large.  However the key thing is the relationship between the two of you<br /><br />Some of that stuff that you describe CBT type stuff can work well.  As an example I was very traumatised after Mrs TJ died and was getting distressing flashbacks.  Every time I did I said out loud " I am proud of what I did" and over a few months it reset my thinking so now I feel pride not despair when I think of those times<br /><br />You can do that with the " I can't do that" thoughts.  when you get that negative thought say out loud something like " I am strong, I can do this" and it will reset your thinking over time.  Its not an instant cure but it does work.  It sounds and feels daft but you need to say it out loud for it to work IMO / IME.  You should be able to do similar with the " I'm not worth it" thoughts as well.

Some folk write it on a note and put it on the mirror or the back of the door to remind yourself every day.

I've found that we all think we can't until we have to. (Of course there are the dunning Krueger lot but that's different). I was happy bimbling along then suddenly had to step up. In the last six months I've mentored 6 people and I might be making them into semi decent teachers, well most of them. I had to convince one that the job is about confidence but the first three letters are really important. Once you sort the con to confidence then people listen to you.
But it is the mindset of I can do this or I'll just have to do this.

The things you say to yourself, about yourself, when you are by yourself, determine your actions

I think Hannah said further up; I would happily give a friend advice, but I'd never speak to them the way I speak to myself, they'd punch me and we wouldn't stay friends for long. 

I think Hannah said further up; I would happily give a friend advice, but I’d never speak to them the way I speak to myself

This is unfortunately all too common. Learning self compassion is an invaluable skill.

Maybe I'm not a good friend as I will sometimes tell my close friends exactly what I think they need to hear, warts and all. I'd want my close friends to do the same to me. But then my wife says that I'm not normal and have poor social intelligence, this may be true.

There's so much to all this, and what has been contributed to above is great. Everyone is different, eveyone has different needs/ views/ things that work for them.  There are sticking plaster methods and then there is deep inner work.

As a suggestion, easily shared without me possibly oversharing and going down all sorts of crazy paths,  you might find Sam Harris's work interesting if you are after something with a credible scientific basis, the Waking Up app is great and has a free introductory 30 day course. I find it more stimulating intellectually than the Headspace app which is indeed a great introduction.

Also Dan Harris's '10% happier' podcast, is quite accessible. Brad Stulberg's groundedness book has IIRC some useful practices in it too. These are maybe more on the deeper/ spirtual spectrum of things than practices such as CBT, NLP etc.

Maybe I’m not a good friend as I will sometimes tell my close friends exactly what I think they need to hear, warts and all. I’d want my close friends to do the same to me. 

That's not the same though. Being honest and truthful is one thing but telling them stuff that isn't true, that they're lazy and are only where they are because they haven't been caught yet, despite when all the evidence points to the contrary. For what purpose, other than to make them feel pathetic. Do you do that to your friends?