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Not sure how to write this without sounding like looking for sympathy as I am not but more for some wisdom and a little guidance.
I have written before about my wife's cancer and she has fought a hard battle and probably had an extra couple of years due to a positive attitude but the last few months have been hard. We found out that it had spread in the summer and if current treatment didn't work that was it and we decided to keep this to ourselves so we didn't ruin the summer for friends and family. In hindsight this was a poor decision. A couple of weeks ago we found out that it had spread again quite aggressively but there is one more treatment left with a hope for the best but prepare for the worst. The first aim we have been told is to get to Xmas and hopefully our twins birthdays at the beginning of Feb. We all knew it was coming but boy is it shit.
The better half gathered us all round and basically told us our new family mantra is **** It! If we want to go to the beach on a sunny school day, **** it the kids can come out of school. If someone asks us to do something the new answer is **** It yes rather than finding excuse not to. There is no point waiting for ifs and buts. Her strength amazes me. She also told the doctors she has proved them wrong before and will do it again but the reality is I can see in private she just knows!!
So STW how the **** do we /I deal with this. We have started to have the difficult conversations but I just can't quite get my head round how to act. Being positive is bloody hard. I have kids, family, dogs etc relying on me and in some ways don't want to face it.
Ironically my main **** it seems to be the biscuit jar and food and just got a bollocking off the wife that the kids need me around and stop eating so much or I will have health problems and it is vital I am here.
Any stories or suggestions would be appreciated. I am going to Macmillan now and speaking to friends a bit more. Also thinking of trying Andy's man club.
Firstly, the whole * it thing is well, *ing wonderful. That's got to be a good start.
As for coping with what *might* happen, I think that's a really personal journey and possibly a bit different for everyone but talking to Macmillan, friends and chatting on here sounds like a positive thing for sure.
The "sympathy" comment... Sod off ya daft bugger (sorry, blame it on Cummings, he's a bad influence) you know this place all pulls together when it really matters.
Everyone will tell you to post about whatever you like, whenever you like.
At the moment take it a day at a time or an hour at a time, that's simplistic but utterly true. Huge man hugs mate.
I have no idea what you should do but my sympathies for your situation. 😞
Others will be able to advise better from going through similar I'm sure.
I'm going to side with your wife and say lay off the biscuits and food. It's bloody hard when you're feeling low though but it's a sod to shift later.
The only thing I can think of that may be of value is don't be afraid to ask for and/or accept help (including at work) whether practical or for your mental and physical well-being. You need to look after you as well to be the best you can be for your wife and children. If this was someone in my circle I'd be busting my proverbials to do what I could for them.
Don't know what I can say, nothing helps, but I know where you're all at a bit
Found out last week that my cancer is back, previous 6mths of chemo basically hasn't worked, so gearing up for some intense cell therapy in a few weeks, well aware that each round of failed treatment means diminishing chances of success with the next and much higher risks.
Currently keeping an open mind and remaining positive, after a week that broke me, but equally feel the need to drive forward with blinkers on as much as I can.
Can offer no advice or stories. I don't know how either of us deal with what comes next. I'm ok with the possible eventually of it for me, but can't cope with the thought of what it would do to the kids or how to prepare for that. Previous treatments went well, in that I wasn't very sick with side effects to a point that concerned the kids. I was just getting 'better', so they think it's just another round like that to see if off again. Which it could well be, so that's parked for now.
Didn't expect to put this in a public forum, but perspective changes quickly in these situations.
As I say, not sure I can give any advice on facing the challenge, other than my perspective on being on the other side, but happy to speak if you want to DM or on this thread.
Best wishes
Cheers guys. Even just writing it down helps and I know the missus is right! Had to drag out the fat Yeti t shirt.
Taken the positive step of packing the bike for a ride after therapy.
Jim. sorry to hear it has come back. There are now apparently studies proving a positive outlook extends survival rates. I hope the new treatment works and as we now say you can only deal with what is in front of you. You are right the kids are the hardest thing for the missus even though they are older. she got to the twins GCSE results and the eldest getting a first, being at the graduation and new job.
Will be working on the health this week.
Sorry to hear you have such **** happening. It can be tough and you can only deal with it in a way that works for you. Everyone will have differing opinions but one thing is sure on here, when people genuinely need help and input, good vibes flow.
Posting is a good start. This community can offer good advice and support. Take each day as it comes, stay strong for your partner and the kids. It’s not going to be easy, but it will help you all, including yourself as you know you’ve done your best to love and support.
Keep posting, get rid of the anger and frustration that this crap brings, you’re not alone.
Man hugs and best wishes. I think most people really don’t know what is best to say or do. But without doubt, people want to help and support. If you can, let them know how. Stay strong, you’ve got this. Live life right now.
Probably the hardest thing I've ever had to was take my nephew home after a 2 week holiday with us knowing that his mum was about to tell him she was going to die. Fortunately the original prognosis was not correct, but she's never getting rid of it, so it's only a matter of time.
Cancer really is a ****ing ****.
The **** it attitude is exactly what my little sister adopted. They've done some great things since then, we all have as a family.
I don't really know what to say about your situation apart from, ask for help, people want to help but are sometimes to scared to offer.
Vent here, there's so many good people who have been through similar situations, and will give massive virtual hugs
Do the things you all want to do and enjoy every minute you all have left. I'm so sorry for what you are all going through.
@jimfrandisco and @dcl
I have nothing to offer other than **** it, come and have a hug, lean on the forum when you need to, it'll support you however best it can.
I wish I had the words, but I don't. My take is that of your dear wife; ****it and live for now. Cram in all you can, it's just a shame winter's coming. Then again, some of the most beautiful days to share outside and in will be coming. I hope the kids are able to understand and appreciate the time you have, it sounds as if they do, you sound like a close bunch? Don't let a few bob stand in the way either,there's plenty on here, me included, who can help out if necessary. Wishing you the best it can be.
Am thankfully not in your situation but one thing i have seen recommended for you and the kids in future is make lots of videos of your wife talking about her life and just general things. I wish i could have had that from my dad
From my experience things that helped me: ( for those who dont remember my partner died 2 years ago). Some of this is more appropriate for the end stages
Tell everyone everything. It saves you having to remember who was told what and takes away a lot of the awkwardness folk feel
Get some help for your head. I had some from maggies centre between diagnosis and death.
Make clear plans and decisions
Ask friends for help. They want to help. Let them. We set up mealtrain an online meal planner thingy which gave our pals something to do and meant we got a lovely meal delivered every day
keep a sense of humour. Black humour helps. We had a deal that if anyone called Julie brave she was allowed to punch them
Feel free to pm. Its time for me to pay forward some of the wonderful support i had.
Please tell your wife that me reading about her amazing attitude has just helped me. It's really given me a boost 🙂 I've been battling incurable metastatic prostate cancer (54 years old) for almost 18 months. My attitude has been "**** cancer" throughout. But it gets hard to maintain a positive outlook when you're wrecked and in pain. You and your wife have helped me this morning.
Keep going mate. Blinkers on for all the crap but enjoy as much good stuff as you can. Really hoping that your next round of treatment brings the results you need.
There's a lot of **** it going on in our house as well at the moment!
Some great words from Tj above as well - Maggie's in Oxford is an ocean of calm when you need it.
We're very lucky, we have great family and friend support, we have enough resources to ride out the ups and downs. So in a good place to tackle it. Nothing changes the fundamentals of the situations, but it helps.
Don't want to distract from dcl's original thread, but there's a spirit of shared for support for all who need it.
you may not be looking for sympathy but you are bloody well getting some.
I feel for you man, that sucks.
As always, some fantastic comments and support from the STW collective so there it not much else I can add....just dont be shy about sharing.
Cancer can * off and when it gets there it can * off some more with bells on.
Your wife needs to write a book called ‘F@&k it….Let’s Just Do It’ to help other people put their lives into perspective. I’d buy it.
What an epic sounding woman.
Prognosis is always imprecise, but your wife has a terminal disease and it sounds like end stage. I am very sorry. When my twin sister died of the same, leaving four children, the mantra was really business as usual, continuity, but taking time for some special moments too, nothing wrong with those at the expense of education if the opportunity arises. Schools will be very understanding. She died of a complication from radiotherapy (brain bleed), but the near-term prognosis was really not great.
So I would suggest something like the same. Special times, but some continuity. I am afraid that you can not put off the inevitable and it will definitely come as a shock despite the already poor prognosis. Kids are resilient (from personal and family experience), even teenagers. Oh and look after yourself. the kids will needs you. Your wife is not wrong. My brother in law has since had a hip replacement to help look after the kids better.
BTW It's tempting to do the "big" things for the "lasting" memories. Experience shows that the kids will remember sitting on the sofa laughing at Strictly with their mother more than that trip to the Grand Canyon. It's about familiarity and continuity when she is gone. We still talk about those moments most. I hope that helps.
Cripes, sorry to read this.
Definitely go for ****it! It's something most of us should probably do more of anyway. Carpe diem! And all that!
Best wishes.
My younger brother died 10 years ago from Bowel Cancer, he was 36.
Telling my kids he'd gone was one of the hardest things but as mentioned above, kids are very resilient and accepting if you're straight with them.
I'm sure you're all over this but if your kids are a bit older then talk to the school - they should be supportive, my daughter mate (aged 13) is having counselling at school as his mum is very poorly.
I also agree that kids will remember 'normal stuff' like a takeaway in front of the TV as much as the big stuff - so don't sweat on trying to find the cash for 'experiences' continuity and time together are key.
I've nothing else to add other than wishing you the very best in such a difficult situation.
It is a shit situation - but I think your wife’s approach and the way you are in there with her, seems like the best way of dealing with it.
My best wishes to you all.
Thank you STW.
There is so much inspiration and support from everyone.
Stanley our thoughts are with you and there are now studies showing a positive attitude will extend life in terminal cancer situations. My better half is proof of this. Keep positive and live for the moment but also maintain some normality. Some of the best things are the simple ones. My other half has decided we are going sea swimming every Thursday morning, or even paddling. The first week last week was amazing. Her mum and brother came, the sun came out, I went for a full swim(without Greenpeace being called to rescue a beached whale) and it has proved a focus point for friends and family. There is a growing list of people coming to join us.
For the first time today I spoke to someone at the Mustard Tree in Plymouth who are the local Mac Millan centre. What an amazing place and people. It really helped with the dealing with things and asking for/accepting help. Talking it through it seems I was seeing it as failure. She also emphasised the need to ring fence time for me and explain this to the family. So I am now going to book in rides twice a week and make the effort to meet up with mates. Also accepted the in-laws offer to pay for a cleaner to help take off the pressure.
Also managed to get out on Dartmoor after for just over an hour on my half charged ebike. In the driving rain what therapy it proved. Being alone with my own thoughts was soooo positive. This was my first outside ride in a couple of months. I even managed to speak to the people involved in the trail therapy scheme I set up in Plymouth and we are eventually going to run a scheme for cancer sufferers and friends and family with me leading. The funding is there and hopefully will prove popular.
Finally I have booked a follow up in 4 weeks and am actually looking forward to it.
Maybe we should all take a little bit of F@@@ it moving forward. I am now stopping myself instantly saying no and finding excuses not to do something. I am riding a very short distance to the pub for pizza and beer tomorrow and I am sure the world will not fall apart without me home!!
Be wary of the positive mental attitude thing. It can be very damaging as it says those who die are to blame.
I know its not meant like that buts its wounding to folk like me.
If it works for you thats good but its not universal and can hurt others
Tjagain. We are very very aware of not blaming anyone and the positive attitude is about living in the moment not about giving false hope. We tell everyone everything and are completely open and honest.
As a family we have always been positive and we deal with whatever is in front of us
sorry for any offense
No offense taken mate. It doesn't bother me, Its just something to be wary of as it can upset some folk that are in my position.
There was a great article on this recently, I'll try and find it as it really helped me. There's a tendency towards words like 'brave' , 'putting up a fight' 'battling'
People always mean well, but it's not how it is at the thick end of it.
It's all just words, but people could infer that survival is about how much effort you put into it ...it's bloody genetics, there is no fighting the xxxx!
I stress this is in no way aimed at anything anyone has said on here, just something I've found out in the same way we all have.
It's a uniquely singular and universal at the same time.
Best wishes to all of you
Thats why Julie and I had a deal that if anyone called her brave she could punch them 🙂
sorry for the thread diversion.
Back on track folks!
DCL - just remember to look after yourself as well. I made sure I got out of the house every day even if just for a half hour walk. You are going to be tested like you never have before. You need to be at your best. If you don't look after yourself as well you end up no good to anyone.
Use your friends and family - you do not have to do it all yourself. When Julie was ill "Julie would like......" became the most powerful phrase in the world. folk would do anything if asked.<br /><br />We joked about what is the most ridiculous thing we could ask for and see if our pals could come up with it. We were going to ask for a Llama to visit - until we discovered two friends knew folk with Llamas and that it might actually happen. Not really what you want in a suburban garden!
Can never post links properly.. but posting this as it found it a while.ago and it resonates with me, so others may take.something from it also.
(and please god, someone tell me how to increase the font size in these post boxes ...)
I’m really sorry to hear this.
I know you probably can’t fly anywhere but Cyprus is nice right now.
Exercise and music is the way I get through stuff.
DCL Others have put it much more eloquently than I can. I wish you, your other half and your family the best of everything.
Thanks again!<br />On the family of cycling it continues to amaze me.
<br />The twins raced at the southern enduro Sunday and got speaking to Steve the head Marshall about everything and similar things before he got called to drag riders out of bushes.
On Monday he messaged to say he had enjoyed the chat and been inspired and when he got home donated his fee to Macmillan. There are so many kind people in the MTB community.
people are generally good overall. I am in awe and humbled by of the support I have received on here and in other places.
OP, this is a sucky situation. Though I have to agree with your wife - lay off the cookies. Like @tjagain says - you have to look after yourself for you and others
the ‘🤬 it let’s do it’ attitude is perhaps one we could all do with a bit more of at times? Keep it up!
unsure if it is your cup of tea, without biscuits, but Richard E Grant’s fairly recent book ‘a pocketful of happiness’ deals a lot with his wife’s demise from metastatic lung cancer. if I remember correctly, she had a targeted therapy (tipotinib) but none of the treatments in metastatic disease are curative as far as I know. They provide benefit by delaying progression, prolonging survival, and balancing quality of life. All good things and worth having. <br /><br /><br />
So unfortunately it hasn’t been the best Friday but not unexpected! We got called in to see the consultant after some blood tests and due to liver issues treatment is going to stop and the better half is now under palliative care with St Luke’s. Although upsetting we knew it was coming and will hopefully avoid hard side effects with no more chemo. There is a chance of getting to Xmas and she is determined. Within the whole meeting the the senior consultant thanked Marian for teaching him about how well the body can cope and adapt. He admitted that he thought she would go straight to the hospice after the initial diagnosis. Although it has been a hard journey it still hasn’t ended and thank you for all your support.
Cherish your weekend and make the most of the loved ones around you and maybe drink a beer and ride a bike!
Can't really add anything to what others have said but thought are with you in what is a really difficult time for you all x
That's heart breaking. Treat every day together as a gift.
Little tip. Fresh pineapple juice or chunks is the best thing for a claggy mouth. If yer missus likes pineapple make sure she has a supply