[Closed] BS bingo again.

If the unicorn is ringfenced within the same operational parameters, will it shape the tree for you?

I'll ask him.

🙂

Join in. Tell them you recently raped a competitors unicorn.

On a recent conf call.... "I've was on holiday last week so now I'm fresh outta the box"

One of my old managers, having been tasked by his boss, sat us down for a brief and began with the following line;

'Right we've been given this monkey, let's get it caged and straight to the zoo'

He actually looked confused when I burst out in spontaneous laughter.

Coffee shop ? You pay £2 for a mug of coffee ?
You could buy an inner tube for that.

No, you pay £2 to listen in other people's conversations. the coffee's just a bonus

If he says "synergies" you are legally obliged to pull his jacket over his head then punch him.

We had a supplier say to us once "Don't P155 on me and then tell me it's raining"

I liked him, good bloke.

Turnkey solution.

We are having some training today & the bloke keeps mentioning turnkey. I don't know what it means.
I think it is something to do with the operation Jason Bourne was involved in when he ended up in the drink at the start of The Bourne Identitiy but can't see the relevance.

Me and a mate used to try and introduce new ones to the car leasing office we worked in. We actually overheard one of the sales guys use one of our made up ones and couldn't beleive he didn't realise what he was saying: "Right lets push the turtle and touch cloth"! I spat coffee all over the desk in front of me ruining several clients tax discs in the process I was laughing so much!

synergies is only worth a poke in the eye, it has to be leveraging the synergies for the full on assault

I'm not sure a coffe shop table is an "effective runway for project take-off". Which was a very effective phrase for me taking off from the seminar that I was in at the time I heard it.

Please dont shift away from the core subject, but continue with the blue sky thinking and concentrate on the low hanging fruit.

turnkey. I don't know what it means.

It's used on engineering and construction projects to decribe the intention of the contract. A turn key project is ready to go, like buying a car. The alternative would be a caterham kit.

It's usualy asociated with greater risk as it's generaly done to a lump sum (whereas a more usualy contract would be on reinbursable hourly rates), you comit to handing over the project, designed correctly, constructed, comissioned, and litteraly ready for the opperator to turn the key. If it doesn't work the risk is on you to fix it.

synergies is only worth a poke in the eye, it has to be leveraging the synergies for the full on assault

If anyone suggests integrating their synergies, you can simply knee them in the happysacks.

That's all very well, but I can only contribute to this because I'm actively wearing many different hats, whilst thinking outside the box and really, really pushing the envelope. If I was also required to be simultaneously pulling out all the stops I'd be well and truly snookered..

I had no idea the phrase Turn Key or Turnkey had made it in to office BS.
As I understand it, replacement engines for cars are generally sold as a bare engine. A Turn Key engine is sold as a complete unit including all ancillaries such as alternator, starter motor, fuel pump etc., the idea being that you simply bolt it in, turn the key and drive it away.

I find the use of technical terms by people who obviously don't understand them amusing. Octane is put in to petrol to slow down the rate of burning inside an engine, which is at odds with the common description of "high octane" dance performances.

I often wonder how many people who drive a car with "16 valve" written on the back actually know what a valve is and why 16 of them is better than 15, or any other number.

Octane is put in to petrol to slow down the rate of burning inside an engine, which is at odds with the common description of "high octane" dance performances.

Well you're a little off with that one. It slows down the burn, allowing you to tune the engine for more performance, typically done for sports or racing cars. So 'high octane' to describe something very fast and powerful is appropriate I'd say.

I keep hearing people use the word "delta" in a completely inappropriate context. Even more cringy is hearing people who should really know better use non-words like "coolth".

This thread is a paradigm shift in forum interfacing.

Wouldn't "short stroke" or "over square" be a better description of the engine itself though ?

I think describing an exciting dance troupe as Short Stroke would be a far more accurate analogy. 😀

[img] [/img]

For all those who were no comprendez - here's a turkey solution.

This thread is a paradigm shift in forum interfacing.

Surely a quantum leap rather than a paradigm shift? 😉

I think you need to socialise that idea a bit more first before it can be properly landed.

This thread is a paradigm shift in forum interfacing.

Surely a quantum leap rather than a paradigm shift?

We are clearly at a nexus of meanings

I find the use of technical terms by people who obviously don't understand them amusing.

[i]I don't think this thread is agile enough[/i]

You need to take that off line and stream it past the scrum master

I don't think this thread is agile enough

Are you even qualified to say that? I will only listen to you if you are black belt or an Evangelist.

Anyway, I am busy, how about we diarise this dialogue for a hour before close of play?

I think we need to take this discussion offline after you have prioritised your calls to action

Just [s]called[/s] reached out to the new sales manager about some stuff related to my earlier thread. It's his first day on the job, and he said he was 'drinking from a fire hose'.

Buzzword BS or a valid metaphor?

he said he was 'drinking from a fire hose'.

Buzzword BS or a valid metaphor?

or a lifestyle choice?

[i]he said he was 'drinking from a fire hose'.[/i]

Reminds me of a line in a song that stuck in my head for some reason "If the dude won't drown then shove a hose down his throat"

Was at an event co-ordination meeting involving Strathclyde's Finest - the response to the question "will the coaches be identified?" was answered "Yes, all the vehicles will have commensurate nomenclature"

I frankly nearly errupted with joy - like a triple word score and winning countdown all in one go!

We had a supplier say to us once "Don't P155 on me and then tell me it's raining"

Was his name Dragan?

[Layer Cake reference]

we had a supplier come in telling us to stock 650b 😉 lol
never mind how were going to makes space amongst all the 29ers
or 700c, 650a and c
oh and 26", 24", etc

office bingo can never compare to the LBS

I keep getting e-invites to a Webinar. 👿

The latest one tells me that,

Companies that successfully execute seamless trackable logistics and commercial operations, perform at a top-functioning level with optimal resources.

The ability to view the supply chain through multiple transition and storage points is critical.

If we can hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominos will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.

One of our clients was obsessed with cascading the information down.

We invented the cascadation matrix. They use it. LOLZ.

Which makes me wonder how much of business speak was idiots not realising people were taking the piss.

Lens seems to be the popular one in work at the moment. As in we need to look through a different lens to understand the question. I heard one guy come out with the BS bingo lens phrase about 6 times this afternoon in a call. He's such a jockey I bet even his children hate him.

The latest one at my workplace is ' Granularity' - started off with an ' e learning' module on line regarding ' cyber security' ( from head office) - Granular - in the context of computers its digital 1 or 0 FFS!

this is now being used by all and sundry to mean ' if we look at the detail' ( as in 'lets examine the granularity')

Rant over

I've been collecting business BS for a few years and I have pages of the stuff!
"Land" is a popular one at the moment, as in "where did we land this?" (i.e. What was the decision?)

Oh, please share. There's a website in that.

Now that we're about to Kickoff the heavy-lifting we're going to require to assure a resilient methodology to ensure compliance with governance processes.

Admittedly one of my professional colleagues stood in front of a big stakeholder meeting of about 45 people and talked about "pushing down through the gloryhole". A colleague I was sitting next to and I took no notice of anything else said in this meeting for the next 10 minutes.

Oooh, can I contribute some therapist BS? My vastly-more-experienced-than-me psychiatry/psychology/therapy colleagues and I heard mention in a report about a 'proximal zone' last week. We were collectively [s]stumped[/s] 'curious' about this. Apparently it means, errr, "next to". 😀

More refreshingly, my boss remarked at the end of an email to me today: "oh, and stop reading your work emails at home". If i wasn't at home reading my work emails, at home, I could have hugged him. 😳

'drill down' is pretty tedious;

others refer to buildings as 'kit'; ("that's a really nice bit of kit"; i.e. its a large, valuable office building);

Also, but technically not BS are excessive use of words like 'focus', 'solutions' and 'customer facing'.

Don't really understand people who are on "annual leave" instead of holiday.

We also have building projects that need to wash their face and people who like to touch base.

Fortunately next week I'm going back to work at my old company, where no doubt I will hit the ground running

Our US clients are encouraging us to "reach out" to the press - FFS if we did, half of them would have us in court for sexual harassment, most of the other half would more than likely punch us, and the rest could open up a while new world of adventure.

It's great fun explaining that as we are based outside London, we were too far away to reach out so could we speak to them instead. 😀

Some of my 'favourites' that I've endured recently are:
"A suite of interventions designed to fit the R&D strategic initiative framework"
"I'm hoping we get a lot of traction so we are within shooting distance, because we need to bottom this out before we can land and move forward"
"Make endgame focus a standard"
"What are my underlying drivers and how do they play out?"
"Leveraging and operationalising to improve collaboration"

🙄

A lot of these examples don't seem to be BS Bingo; they're just handy shorthand phrases that convey an action or concept as a memorable image.

"I want somebody who can make an immediate contribution when they start this job, and who doesn't require additional training or takes a long time to familiarise themselves with the project"
OR
"I want someone who can hit the ground running"

If a phrase or word helps people communicate usefully it will survive and thrive. If it is redundant jargon, it will eventually die a natural death. Not really worth getting upset about!

Spoilsport.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Official-Bullsh-Button-BS/dp/B000L70MQO

tenfoot - Member

Don't really understand people who are on "annual leave" instead of holiday.

On of my friends got into trouble for being factually accurate on his out of office reply on his email!
It was along these lines:

[i]"OK so you have sent me an email, but the thing is I'm not here for the next two weeks!
The fact of the matter is I'm probably somewhere in the Spain in the mountains on my motorbike tazzing about the twistys getting my knee down, how bloody brill is that eh?
So if you require someone with more than a couple of brain cells don't call Distribution give one of our trusty millers a ring TTFN"[/i]

Thing was he was doing just such a thing in the Picos mountains & Distribution couldn't find their ass in a bath 😀

'The only reason we dropped the ball is that we were spinning so many plates' - my boss, recently. I lol'ed.

We've got a particular business manager who is notorious for striding about the office, barking business speak into his phone. Recent gems include:
'I'm trying to build a road through the jungle, stop putting fences in my way'
'Lets just pour it into the sausage machine and see what comes out'
'We need to get heads round the table and zoom in on our resilience offering'

'Lets just pour it into the sausage machine and see what comes out'

Sausages, I'd expect.

Solutioneering makes my skin crawl in the same way big spiders do

Are we doing job descriptions as well ?
I like to tell people my remit is to provide a comprehensive suite of lifecycle management strategy support system solutions to mobile technical assets in the passenger mass transit sector.