Just putting this out there to see if others have similar experinces and how things panned out on the end...
My Borther-in-Law is 26 and has a severe drug and alcohol addiction problem. He's been a big drinker for many years (probably from 17-18 years old) and started taking drugs shortly afterwards (mostly ketamin / valium type drugs). Drink is along the lines of a bottle of spirit a day and whatever else he can get his hands on. He can't function when he's off his face and is regularly found unconcious in his room / on the floor / anywhere.
He's been in hospital many times over recent years including just yesterday. He physically looks like and addict now and gets the shakes and withdrawal symptoms if he goes more than a day without taking something. His destroying himself, his stomach is bleeding and swollen for starters but the biggest impact is the effect it's having on his immediate family.
Our problem is that he's selfish and doesn't want any help. He knows he has problems but has a "don't give a ****" attitude.
I feel desperately sorry for my wife and parents-in-law. He's ruining their lives too. They've tried to help as much as they can but he just doesn't change because he doesnt want to.
Sound familiar to anyone? Any advice? I'm just not looking forward to the day he's found dead.
He is an addict and that is why he behaves as he does. What set him off down that road is a differnt thing
Unfortunately nothing will change until he wants to and that is unlikely to come before he hits rock bottom. sometimes you have to wash your hands of folk like him - attempting to help is on helping him continue as he is.
Addiction is a horrid curse. sorry really very little to add. There are support groups for families that might help you
Speaking from experience there is little you will be able to do personally other than be there for your wife. As TJ says when somebody is an addict it is really up to them first and foremost. I suspect some of it will be in his environment and the people in his social circle so if you can remove him from those that will be a help.
Unfortunately nothing will change until he wants to and that is unlikely to come before he hits rock bottom.
Even on her death bed (unrelated to her depression), my mother was still gambling online.
I'm not an expert, but in my experience addiction is a symptom of another underlying issue. If the right help can be found, then there is some hope - but it's very difficult to access.
Not to sound too morbid, but I'd prepare yourself for the death of your BiL. Others around you will blame themselves when it happens, but they have as much responsibility as if he'd died from cancer.
The old - you can’t help someone that doesn’t want help - certainly rings true I guess.
He’s a big guy and at 26 years old if he wants to leave the house he’s going to one way or another. He’s recently found himself seeing a girl who seems to have similar problems..... That’s not going to help for sure.
I'm interested in the reasons for alcohol addiction because of what I read in Fergal Keane's autobiography. Keane explains that his mother drank heavily while he was in her womb and that when he first tried alcohol at a very young age, something like twelve, it was as if alcohol was already familiar to him. He says that the sensation wasn't so much "Wow this is new" as "Hello old friend, I've missed you!"
Was your BIL's mum a heavy drinker?
I lost my aunt to alcohol - she'd often call me on a Sunday morning drunk as a monkey for a chat (I soon learnt to ignore calls from her at that time) then she'd sober herself up so she could get drunk again in the evening.
There was no helping her, she wanted to do it and she simply drank herself to death. So sad.
He may be selfish but it's an illness and there are often horrific life experiences that have triggered it.
In a couple of people I've known it has been child sexual abuse. Both sexes.
I'm sure more people just have a weakness for the bottle out of nowhere or in their genes, but it's a thought.
Have the in laws sought advice from anyone?
So the inlaws have always been partial to alcohol and the mother-in-laws side of the family have a long history of ADHD and addiciton of one form or another which includes alcohol and drugs.
I've known the BiL since he was 10-11 years old and his upbringing has been fine. Alcohol however has always been a big part of their life. Having a drink at every oppertunity was always a top priority. It's easy for me to say that though as I'm at the opposite end of the scale.
OP, sorry to hear your situation, i fully understand where you are and how hard it is. The link below is my own experience. That period was the hardest i have ever had to go through. Your last sentence was what i was dreading waking up to every day.
https://singletrackmag.com/forum/topic/my-brothers-an-alcoholic-and-its-hurting-the-whole-family/
I am very very lucky, in that my brother turned the corner in time and has now been sober for 3 1/2 years.
As a loved one, the natural thing to do is to try and help, but in reality all it does is enable the addiction. Your brother in law needs to hit rock bottom and he needs to want to beat the addiction himself. Only he can do that and unfortunately all i can say is that i hope he reaches rock bottom before it is too late and your focus should be on ensuring the rest of the family is ok.
I understand how hard it is.
Lost my father to alcohol just last week. I spent 10 years trying to help and the stress of it very nearly sent me down the same path. I left. it was the only thing I could do and one of the few things I hadn't tried. It helped me, but didn't change him.
As other have said, they need to want to help themselves. Your logic, your values, your goals won't help here. It has to belong to them. The closest we got was AA meetings, but eventually, he went back to the bottle under the impression that there were people worse than him and so he had a fair way to go to reach their level. Rock bottom may well be the key here, but different folks and different strokes and all that means that there's no easy fix.
Thanks all, @teenrat i remember reading your post years ago thinking this is where it's heading with the BiL. Reading it again it now and it could have been written for my BiL too...
The Parents in Law are hoping to speak to someone themselves for support as they're out of ideas. They've tried everything. Just hope he reaches rock bottom before it's too late
