You don't need to be an 'investor' to invest in Singletrack: 6 days left: 95% of target - Find out more
My little brother has gone dark on his family over Christmas. He is refusing to speak to anyone and has refused to answer phone/messages or front door since yesterday. This doesn't sound long but we've been worried about him for a while.
He hasn't been on holiday since he started his new job nearly 2 years ago. He was talking about selling his holiday back to the company because "it'll be worse when I get back to work". This is making me think he's got work related stress issues. He has missed a few family things and keeps saying he's been ill, but he won't tell anyone what the matter is.
He's refused to come to anyone's for Christmas saying he's not well. As far as we know he's single so I suspect Christmas black dog might be a factor too. My parents drove across the country to see him yesterday, but stupidly rang him before they got there. He refused to speak to them or even open the door. He hasn't answered the phone to me for a few weeks now which is unusual. I've left a few voicemails via WhatsApp suggesting he try employee assistance programme or similar, or at least tell us what is wrong, if anything to stop my parents from worrying.
On the one hand he's 30 and old enough to decide if he wants to be on his own. On the other hand he doesn't have the right to make everyone worry about him. My sister has been to two suicide funerals this year, I know of another one, all similarly aged young men. I am sure it is nowhere near there, but it is making us worry. My parents are planning to call his work tomorrow to see if they will say anything. I suspect not, but it might trigger a productive conversation between my brother and HR/line manager.
Any suggestions for getting someone to talk when they don't want to/can't?
Feel for you as it’s an awful position to be in however are you absolutely sure it’s work related? What if going to work is the only place he feels good? This could be a reason why he doesn’t take holidays and if so I can imagine parents contacting work may not go down well with him. I appreciate this doesn’t really help but it might prevent the situation worsening.
No idea really, it's my best guess based on him not want to take leave. He recently bought his first house which needs a bit of work. If it was me I'd want all the leave you can get to do the work. We don't even know if he still has a job, although I suspect this is unlikely.
I did wonder if it was money, but he's always been very careful / tight.
Hi Woodlikebikes.....
You say that "I am sure it is nowhere near there...."
How can you absolutely guarantee that this is the case? Have you actually asked the question... "Are you thinking about killing yourself?"
Asking the question will not trigger him to end his life.... He is either thinking about it right now or he is not. Asking the question will give him permission to talk about it and will let him know that you are ready and able to help.
Please see below for some useful conversation starters:
If he needs help.... don't leave him and get him to A&E immediately. You may need police help at this point.
PLEASE READ THIS FOR ADVICE------
https://papyrus-uk.org/im-worried-about-someone-emergency/
You might have a long drive to get to him and you might have to break down a door to have a face to face conversation with him but YOU MIGHT JUST SAVE HIS LIFE.
Stay safe. Please let us know what happens.
I'd be going round prepared to kick the door down
Thanks Simon_sentex,
No I don't really know. But I will ask the question.
Woodlikesbikes........
Call the Police right now..... give them your bothers details..... tell them you are concerned he is going to kill himself.
They DO have the resources to deal with this.
Think about it this way... if your brother was having a heart-attack where the outcome was death would you call the police or emergency services?
A mental health crisis (where the outcome is death) is EXACTLY the same.
Please make the call.
I would be round there but I'm currently stuck in bed ill. I can't even stand up for more than 5 minutes. Otherwise I would be hammering the door down. My parents are in the same town now. Frustratingly they have only been round once so far. He didn't answer, but for all they know he could have gone shopping. I've told them to go around again and start hammering.
He recently bought his first house which needs a bit of work. If it was me I’d want all the leave you can get to do the work.
Just struck a little chord with me, and depending on what 'little' means, my house really did (and continues to!) take its toll on me and I did go quite reclusive. Single, limited money, no skilled friends and with a seemingly-endless supply of expensive problems to overcome - I didn't want to be in the house and threw myself into work; at times you really are very 'down' about it though.
I didn't react in quite the extreme way that your brother has, but we're all different and it might be a factor. I was also very 'un-proud' of where I lived for many years - could explain why he didn't want parents around.
Add that to being 'tight' about money, he might be feeling overwhelmed by it all
Anyhow, could be nonsense but just an idea. Very best of luck.
Keep attempting to contact him, even if he ignores the attempts. Reassure him that you love him and you're there for him when he needs you. Leave christmas presents on his doorstep. If you or anyone in the family has young children tell him the kids miss him and want to see him.
Basically keep contact going, even if he doesn't respond. Those messages will get through.
Leave christmas presents on his doorstep. If you or anyone in the family has young children tell him the kids miss him and want to see him.
No don’t do these 2 things, will only make matters worse.
Just stick a note through the door saying family are worried and they just want some contact to know he’s ok nothing more.
If that doesn’t work within the day then it’s getting the police involved.
I'm worried for similar reasons for my younger brother in Michigan. He is not in good health and things are bad at work and at home. He has asked me what he is going to do as "I don't want to grow old and dependent in the American system".
I'm half expecting an SOS call from him and I do expect him to turn up at my house one day in the next couple of years looking for refuge. No matter how old, you still love your baby brother.
He might hate Xmas and want to Bury his head till the debacle is all over.
Might be a cash flow thing. Buying presents can be very expensive and if he is strapped for cash then can't buy nice things or reciprocate present giving
Could be a sense of being a it of a failure. Home alone, no kids, no girlfriend etc
Could be house is a right state with 8 different projects on the go, bare walls and lightnulbs, no carpets and he is embarrassed by it all.
Might have lost his job perhaps
Try and get hold of him, don't text. Everyone in the world assumes every single txt arrives 2 seconds after it is sent and is read 5 seconds after that. Not true. Ring, and keep ringing
Then arrange to meet at a neutral pub or cafe just for a chat, no pressure
Hope he is OK and just keeping his head down. You never know, he might have met a stunner and is spending all his time playing hide the sausage
If it's because he hates Christmas, I don't blame him. Christmas used to be the time when my parents used to fight the worst so I've aways hated it.
"On the other hand he doesn’t have the right to make everyone worry about him."
Yes he does! Your probable overreaction is your problem , not his.
Selfishness is not doing what you want to do, but expecting everyone else to do what you want them to do.
Give him some space !
Perhaps use someone else’s phone to ring him?
I’ve retreated in the past. Just couldn’t be arsed with it all. Was getting over a relationship breakdown, quitting uni, finding myself working for a temping agency and having my best mate move 300 miles away. I was lucky though. I had (have) an extremely persistently loving sister, another fantastic friend, a dog and a bicycle.
My mate would just appear for whole weekends randomly and we’d get trollied discovering wine, obscure beeping music and the worst tar-ridden soap bar ever. my sister would occasionally call, but more often drop me hand written notes to let me know she was there for me. In the background my sister and my mate were keeping comms open so she knew I was ok, ish. The dog was superb at 3am when all I wanted was something to hug and the bicycle let me escape to my happy place.
Something in my head made me not really want to be around my family. I think it was quitting uni. I was happy with that and they were too, but I’d built it up in my mind that they wouldn’t be. Was really stupid. Think it’s part of the way my mind works - likes to bottle things up and over think stuff.
In terms of how to approach your brother, I’d not hound him - he may well need space. Drop him a note, a real letter, in an envelope or maybe a post card so he doesn’t have to open it. Let him know you’re there for him. You could ask him to text you to let you know he’s ok. Don’t do an emotional brain dump back though, a simple “ok, cool” is all he needs as he can read that without opening the message. I’d be wary about going around and bashing the door in if you’ve not had hints of possible self harm. I’d be extremely pissed at that and would probably retreat further, for a long time.
As far as work is concerned, I’d leave that battle for after he’s come back out of his cave a little.
Dreading getting to the other side of Christmas as it will be the second anniversary of my brother's suicide.
Go and see him. Make a nuisance of yourself. Be persistent. Don't be the one saying "if only I'd...".
Good luck with it.
Woodlikesbikes......
How are things?