[Closed] Breakdown?

22 years is a lifetime at one job,

I'd definitely at least take a look at what's out there - change can be a good thing

Money isn't everything, speak to your wife again because it sounds like something has to change.

Is there anyone at work you can talk to in confidence?

Speak to your boss about work. If you are having issues then make it their problem. If they don't help that makes the decision to leave a bit easier.

Speak to the wife about a job change. Only you know your financial position in terms of security but its worth a bit of risk to make a change.

The wife and I have both made significant job changes fairly recently. It was a leap and we still have less security now but it was well worth it.

Also well done for thinking about it and putting it out there. Its easy to bottle this stuff up. I know I do.

In many ways I felt similar to you a few years back. Huge amounts of work pressure (a lot self inflicted) and a new born. Wasn't sleeping, didn't feel I was doing a good job, back aches, stomach cramps. In the end I broke down in the work toilets and had to walk out one Friday. I spoke to my Doctor and they gave me some really good advice and to this day, when I speak to them they always check in on how it's going. It's not been an easy three years and have involved a few attempts at CBT therapy but I can say I'm probably happier in myself and work than I have been for a long time.
There is loads I could write about this but I would suggest speaking to your GP. People have had mixed results doing this but mine were really good and I think that it's worth doing this first to understand what options might be available. You could then explore whether there are other options for instance if you have Bupa through work.

You need to speak to a professional. For me it was my GP first of all then the guys at my local NHS talking therapies. If its a mental health issue just changing jobs may not help, even if it seems to initially. There could still be underlying issues that may resurface once the new job 'honeymoon' ends. I am not in a place yet to share fully my own experiences and my mental health struggles, as like you, I have my own stigmas etc. This is something I am working on. At the very least, if you talk to a professional you may find it's nothing more than long-term job weariness, however, what you describe above doesn't necessarily sound like that. Talk to someone, at least you'll have a better idea of what's really going on, and can make appropriate decisions. It's not a life sentence either way.

Your post resonates with me.

I too need 'motivation' to work my best, and work quickly.

I too completely lost my mojo, and have spent the last year fighting demons around 'just do the work in front of you'.

Thankfully I'm not the only one. I've seen the same in some of my team, my boss has been struggling, and we've all been able to start talking about it.

What's really changed is we are back in the office, and you can just see the team energy level returning. The spark. Some fun. We've had longer than we should coffee breaks. We went out for our missed Christmas meal last night. I've sat down with one of my team and told them it's ok, but let's work out what we do to help each other.

A change of scene may help, but the lush green grass can hide more sh*t, so think carefully about your current employment and employer before you leap.

I don't know if breakdown is the right word, IANAE, but I'd call it burnout. Not a full on failure to function, but everything has been revved to the limit for too long and now your valves have gone a bit baggy and the engine management light has come on. Might just be the combined excess for too long, might be external pressures that you aren't even consciously aware of.

Either way you need to do something about it. Starting point would be with your employer, as that seems to be the main issue. After 20 years I'd hope they'd work with you to get to a manageable level, might only need a few % of pressure to be alleviated and they'd far rather have you running at 90 or 95% (vs 110%) than not at all, or worse have a full on breakdown to deal with.

And no - you don't sound like a lazy moaner.

I have a very similar path to you having left my job of 29 years in December, I was considered a stalwart in that job - the dependable go to person but had all the issues you describe. I took some personal and career counselling. Part of my issues was “life”, juggling kids and everyday issues with bike training and work which is Sales, so quite stressful. I was reminded to take care of myself, step back and find time to relax / sit etc. Because I had absorbed this level of stress for years, I’d become and was seen as “resilient”.

From a work perspective not only the career coach but the instigated conversations with people in other companies revealed my employer was terrible. People were leaving because of they way they were treated, I looked back from my perspective - promises made but never realised, overbearing rules enforced, harsh targets expected, micro management - and upon listening to people outside easily came to the conclusion that this resilience was being used to make other people successful at the detriment of my own mental health, I hadn’t seen the wood for the trees. When I left, I didn’t even get a leaving card.

The employer im now with - and spent a lot of time considering including time spent in their office judging the working environment - has just been awarded a Well-being employer of the year, I’ve backed off my bike expectations to spend more time with the kids, have more lie ins, and have returned to regular mindfulness and taking lunch hours. Although I wanted a less responsible (and would accept lower pay) job, my new job actually has more responsibility but it’s something I want to achieve personally, and I’m invigorated and happy because me and my employer working together on the same easily identifiable goal.

Look after yourself and your family and don’t let other people drive their measures of success through your decline in health, all the money and time in the world is just not worth it. If you aren’t doing it for you in a healthy way, consider a change.

I hope this example helps.

Thanks all
My boss is a sound bloke and is approachable. We are all under the cosh with workload. So I am not sure there is much he can do it whether it would help long term but it would be better to jump before I am pushed. Being in a job so long, I have become quite niche.

Yes, I should try to speak to my wife again. It is a tricky subject for me to broach.

Above all, it is difficult to abmit to people, that I am letting then down.

Stress induced depression isn’t uncommon and if left unchecked it’s not a good place to be. If really bad, you GP will probably prescribe anti-depressants which might help you get away from any darker thoughts (if you have any) but this a temporary measure only and needs to be supported by other actions. Does your employer offer access to an employee welfare programme? Is your boss sympathetic and are there ways they could help relieve some of the backlog? Their other option is you being signed-off otherwise. Talking therapy can help in such situations to help you find a way through your thoughts and help navigate to a better place. You’ll probably need to take some affirmative action to remove the stress, either in the way you work, the way you engage with other people and even finding allies. Giving yourself some ‘me’ time can help, particularly exercise. I went through this about 20 years ago - got to the stage I was barely functioning.

I am sitting here in tears with your responses - genuine heartfelt thanks.

I normally only cry watching Cool Runnings.

Above all, it is difficult to abmit to people, that I am letting then down.

You really are not. You're just living life as a human. Mental health is no different to physical health - sometimes it knocks the stuffing out of you. Recognising it is the first step.

Sounds to me like work related stress. If not sorted, it could lead to depression but from what you've said, it doesn't sound like breakdown territory yet. That means there's time to do something about it.

This is much easier said than done. Not because it's hard, but because of how you feel.

At the moment, it's all your "problem". Make it someone else's as well. You might work for a company that cares and wants to help. You might not. However, the next step is the same either way. Tell your line manager and your GP. Best case, they help to sort things. Maybe look at your workload or additional training/resources. Worst case, they do nothing. Not helpful, but at least it buys you some time. Rather than dismissing you for performance related issues (because they don't know what's going on) they now have to at least look like they want to be helpful and caring.

The one thing that isn't going to help in anyway whatsoever, is trying to muscle through this on your own.

I know there's the stigma and pride issue here but no one has the inclination to fix a situation that isn't broken.

Edit; wow, lot of extra replies while I've been typing that on my phone. As much as this place pissed me of at times, it's pretty good in a crisis.

I've felt similar before. I had a good relationship with my boss and work luckily. We had a good chat and making them aware of how I was feeling was a huge weight off my shoulders. We worked out ways to share the work load and looked at if other tasks and responsibilities could be shared amongst the team a bit more evenly.
I'd sit down and work out finances, see what you could lose, go down to in terms of salary. I took a massive pay cut a few years ago and we have adapted. It's surprising how much you can slash off monthly bills when you look closely at things (although I appreciate it may be a bit more difficult in the coming months). I am now back in a position mentally to start looking at roles with more responsibility, but I do know my limits on what I want to take on.

Sharing your problem OP is the first step forward. Even if you do share it on a forum with lots of people who pretend to ride bikes 😉

I suffer from anger and a form of depression due to my deteriorating health, which has left me in my late fifties at around half the physical capacity i should have. I am ok with work (in fact it helps) i have something i cant fix and will get worse.

You need to talk to someone as soon as possible, it sounds like you have something that can be fixed (work) don't internalise something that can be fixed. I internalise something that cant be fixed and that i cant come to terms with - don't end up like me.

I also have a wife who thinks i should just suck it up and carry on.

If you’ve been in a role 29 years you’ll be the go to person, this basically means extra work. So any new job may well remove that.

First up, have a chat with your boss. Explain where you are and what you need. Even if he can do very little, it’s worth a chat.

Second, have a look for a job, maybe even go to an interview or 2, see what’s out there, perhaps without telling your wife. The market is really good at the moment in most industries so you may find the finances add up. Worst case, you stay where you are but it’s got to be worth looking around.

When I left my job, the first my wife knew about it was when I told her I was at 2nd stage and an offer was imminent.

My wife had was in a similar position about 8 years ago. We and I mean we decided she should change jobs. So she went from highly paid PA to lowly and shit paid teaching assistant. She has never been happier. It put the spark back in her and yes the lack of money has changed things but still overall far better for all of us living in this house. Do what you need to make things better for you, this is it no do over so make it the best life you can. Best of luck

Mental health is no different to physical health – sometimes it knocks the stuffing out of you. Recognising it is the first step.

This.

If your job was physical, and you suddenly slipped a disc that left you unable to work, you'd tell your employer and get the help you needed to fix it (you doesn't specifically mean 'you', meant to mean an impersonal pronoun)

You haven't slipped a disc (yet) but there's something wrong in the type and number of tasks you have to do. And progressively every morning you're getting out of bed with a stiff back, you're having to take a break more often than you'd like while at work to just stretch, and it's starting to affect your ability to do the job. You'd go and see the boss and say that the cumulative effect of all those previous years is causing a problem, and can they help you with some lifting equipment or whatever else it is you need. You wouldn't consider that as a problem.

Your boss might help you for all the good you bring to the job with 20 years of experience. If he/the co are pricks, they might tell you to MTFU, give you two ibuprofen and look for a younger employee. That's good to find out sooner rather than later too.

Mental health is no different, it's like a muscle that's being abused, and now it's twinging and in danger of tearing.

MENTAL HEALTH IS NO DIFFERENT.

Don't think of it as a breakdown, think of it as a "wobble". We all have them.

I'm in a similar position right now, new role with acknowledged lack of adequate training and support, plus the isolation of Covid, is pushing me right up to the edge. I've had mental health issues in the past so I'm "coping" for now, and I know the rest of my team feel the same way, it's not just me, it's the system that I'm part of, plus my elderly parents are taking up more and more of my time and headspace.

Talk to your boss, your wife and your GP, and try and find a solution that will work for you. What I would say is that some time off work, some counselling and maybe some low level meds to calm the chatter in your head and buy you some time to work out priorities and next steps may be the best thing you could do.

Deleted the rest, it's not about me.

I'd 2nd have a look about.

I get bored/feel trapped in a job after 5yrs or so. Don't know how 29ys is possible!

https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/talking-therapies-medicine-treatments/talking-therapies-and-counselling/nhs-talking-therapies/

...So she went from highly paid PA to lowly and shit paid teaching assistant.

Interestingly, that is a job that I have always wanted to do. I think we would be okay financially with a bit of penny pitching. An "in the moment" rather than all consuming job definitely feels like it would help.

I need to speak to my wife again. It is a bit stressy at home at the moment.

Not convinced you're nearing imminent breakdown but you have identified that something isn't right so you have time to explore options to improve your situation.

I'd second many others advice of speaking with your GP and accessing any help work can give either through your boss or through any Employee Assistance program which may be in place or through your union if you're in a union.

The other thing to look for is to see if you can find a local "Stress control" course. They're usually run by your local NHS and are free (maybe online at the moment). I found it really useful as a CBT lite introduction and gave me hope that there was light at the end of the tunnel (I was in quite a dark place at the time and did need lots of other therapy but it was a useful start).

Mental Health is an incredible lonely disease but that's only because the disease itself makes itself become that way, it's like a side affect of it. But it's a side affect that is possible to overcome with enough determination and honesty. On your lowest days and once you start to spiral it becomes so difficult to speak to someone because that seems to take SO MUCH effort. I have a friend and even myself that on my low days I dont speak to people because it just seems so impossible and just so exhausting somehow. It doesn't seem worth the effort and you just know (or think) that you're going to be judged and immediately get the 'what's wrong?' and then 'well why' or feel people will be thinking you have nothing to feel bad for. For the majority of people now this just isn't true and everybody in some form will totally get it, your boss for example may equally suffer or have someone close to them who experiences similar. I get the feeling you definitely need to have the conversation with your wife again but properly and openly this time, don't be a man, really get your thoughts and worries out there, I'm sure once she really appreciates what you're saying that her response will be different. Make yourself do it, come on don't let it keep having it's crushing affect on you, just talk to her!

I am in a similar situation so I can fully sympathise.

The good thing is that you know 100% what is causing your stress (work).

Clearly that has to change, and you have two choices;

1. Speak to work, tell them how you're feeling, ask for work / roles / responsibility to be redistributed.

2. Find a new job.

If option 1 doesn't work out then you automatically go to option 2.

Don't over think it. It's easy to get stuck in the "but what if I find a new job and hate that too / have less money?" cycle of negative thinking, but you just have to put that out of your mind and get on with the two options above.

Sounds like something on the stress / anxiety / depression side of mental health and I can only repeat about going to see a professional

Mental health stigma?  If your leg was broken you would go to the leg doctor ad tell folk - so if your head is broken?  go to a head doctor ad tell folk.  funnily enough I am off to mine today.

The key thing to remember is that its the relationship between the counselor and the counseled that is key.  It might mean you need to try a couple of folk until you find one you click with

You have taken the first steps - sometimes the hardest

I don't want to excuse my idleness but sometimes I think it is not entirely something I can do much about. Going back as far as I can remember, and all the way through education, I have always done just-enough. Fundamentally, the problem is that in my job I have rarely been on top. Just, that in the past, I had a turn of speed that was able to catch up. It is a difficult subject to broach with a boss to tell them that the main reason you are in a pickle is because you have not done enough work. But perhaps that just tells me I need to change jobs.

I get the feeling you definitely need to have the conversation with your wife again but properly and openly this time, don’t be a man, really get your thoughts and worries out there, I’m sure once she really appreciates what you’re saying that her response will be different. Make yourself do it, come on don’t let it keep having it’s crushing affect on you, just talk to her!

Thank you. I am convinced you and everyone else is right.

How much is "enough work"? If you do what's passed to you, they'll give you the same again, plus a bit. If you manage with that...

Think of it like Olympic athletes. Do they run at 100% all the time? Or do the plan peaks, and accept the corresponding trough?

If everyone works 100% all the time, where does the extra come from when there's that panic rush job?

Just reading your post spudulike shows the common interplay between facts and feelings and how feelings become converted to facts by the brain.

You say you've rarely been on top of your job which is a feeling / emotion that your brain has converted to a fact. If you speak with your colleagues/ boss they likely don't recognise this fact you have about yourself. They wouldn't have kept you for 20+ years if this was the case.

Just enough is still enough.

Don't seek to polish things beyond what is needed. 80-20 and all that.

I would definitley look at changing job. It gives you a clearer perspective.

I work in the construction industry which can quite volatile. On a couple of occassions I have been unlucky enough to have my employer go bump on me, all of a sudden you wonder what all the stress/panic was for as the client engages a new contractor to complete the works and you move on to pastures new.

I've not read everything but try not to think of it in terms like a breakdown or letting people down. If you were sick with a heart condition or whatever there would be no guilt/shale attached and it shouldn't be any different with a mental health condition (easy to say I know).

It sounds to me like you are showing signs of depression and yes burnout is probably a good word, but that doesn't mean you are inevitably sliding towards a breakdown.

I would second speaking to a GP with some urgency but if you don't already have one, find one that you gel with that you feel is really listening/on your side. Can be hard these days as they are often very stretched.

I tried raising it with the GP recently. He was pretty off-hand. To be fair, I was hoping he would read between the lines a bit. However, with COVID it is understandable not to be going out of the way to find tricky patients. I'll try again.

Above all, it is difficult to abmit to people, that I am letting then down.

So many great responses so far, but just spotted this - you can't help anyone if you don't help yourself first. Your family, your job, your colleagues all rely on you bring "well" enough to support them.

I'd also say don't underestimate the "wife" side of the issues. You need to be honest with each other. Might take some difficult and fraught conversations but feeling pressure at home as well as at work gives you no respite.

Fundamentally, the problem is that in my job I have rarely been on top. Just, that in the past, I had a turn of speed that was able to catch up. It is a difficult subject to broach with a boss to tell them that the main reason you are in a pickle is because you have not done enough work.

That may, or may not, be objectively true, but it sounds more like 'burnout' to me, that you are internalising and feeling personally guilty for...

I went through this 11 years ago, but didn't realise it at the time, neither did my manager or employer. Instead, it was picked up, too late, as a performance issue and I eventually lost my job.

For me, looking back, the signs were ... Loss of motivation, feeling like I was wading through treacle even on stuff I could do routinely which then carried over into me 'taking my eye off the ball' on stuff I was responsible for.

Sounds like you recognise the signs, the advice is the same, talk to your boss/employer, wife, and GP.

I'd try a different GP at your practice if possible tbh. Though

To be fair, I was hoping he would read between the lines a bit.

If you just told him you were finding life a bit tough at the moment he may have just though 'join the queue pal'. 😛

Some of the ways of thinking you have described are clearly depressive as opposed to just being a bit down. There is a mood questionnaire they should give you as a first step to treatment (or at least they used to) - if you get one, don't downplay your symptoms!

This is a tough question to ask but how do you know if you are having a breakdown?

I asked the same question to a counsellor recently, and really there's no real answer to it. They talk about having a crisis rather than a breakdown these days, and really, if you think you're having a crisis, you probally are.

As I've mentioned a few times I think. I'm, hopefully, nearing the end of a pretty bad breakdown/crisis, and a see a lot of the OPs post in me.

@spudulike if your job is really making you that unhappy, **** it off as quickly as is practical, if you're lucky enough to have savings and can face it, walk out the door and don't turn back, or sign yourself off for a month to find something. Your Wife will of course be worried about the financial side of it, anyone would, it's natural, but that doesn't mean you should drop it.

BUT before you do that, you should be really sure what's bothering you. Reading your OP, it sounds like you've lost a bit of confidence, a bit of self-esteem and have imposter syndrome. You've been working in the same place, in the same industry for 22 years, when you talk about "muddling your way out of it" what your describing is someone who can use 2 decades worth of experience to solve a difficult, complex problem. People like you are worth double their weight in gold. We can all suffer from employers who, well aren't great at telling their staff how good, or valued they are through fear that they'll ask for more money, or worse take their skills elsewhere for something better. Millions of us are 'gaslighted' by our employers all the time, shitfire, some of it is 'management 101'.

I don't really know you, I don't really know your circumstances, but I'm very confident that you're actually exceptional at your job, and it's not the job that's breaking you, or at least not in the way you think it is. If the job has changed, or you've changed and it's not a good fit anymore, then fair enough, time for change, but I'd bet that changing jobs will only be a quick fix, or at least, it's worth seeking some expert advice first.

you can’t help anyone if you don’t help yourself first.

This is excellent, the oxygen masks dropping on a plane being the obvious analogy.

And this:

How much is “enough work”? If you do what’s passed to you, they’ll give you the same again, plus a bit. If you manage with that…

Think of it like Olympic athletes. Do they run at 100% all the time? Or do the plan peaks, and accept the corresponding trough?

If everyone works 100% all the time, where does the extra come from when there’s that panic rush job?

I know there are people in my old place of work using their weekends to bump up utilisation numbers for the company stats and Bosses bonus, on a basis they "might" get a financial bonus. Guess what, they didn't get one last year. There's only one winner there, and its not the employee. Please don't let this be you, you and your family deserve some time.

Thank you P-Jay, that is an exceptional and pertinent post. I am genuinely humbled by all the deep consideration from everyone. I will read and re-read all the posts.

Where you are saying about feeling like you are being idle. That feels like a combination of burnout and being bored to me.
I had it at the end of my last job, and sadly did end up with me dropping into some fairly significant mental health stuff (health anxiety for me).
Definitely talk to someone about at, mental health shouldn't be seen as being any different to physical health (they seem to interact at a level anyway), so def get help and also will agree with having a lot at what else is around.
Good luck, and once again this thread proves that stw while sometimes being crap can also be amazing when it matters

If I may, can I please add to PJ's excellent post with the benefit of my experience?

BUT before you do that, you should be really sure what’s bothering you. Reading your OP, it sounds like you’ve lost a bit of confidence, a bit of self-esteem and have imposter syndrome.

I had the same - its very easy to then fall back on a "better the devil you know" scenario because you think you can't move on / up successfully. You can - many others have - they'll be employers craving for your experience.

If I was to job appraise myself I would sum myself up as “being able to work well when cornered like a rat in trap

This is me. If I could capture the energy and pace I have in the 2 hours before finishing up for annual leave and employ that all day, every day, I would be Elon Musks boss by now.

Boy oh boy there are some resonances between you and me spudulike!

I can't add to the good advice already given, do talk to wife, boss, GP, and be candid about how you feel.

I was quite open with people when I keeled over, and almost everyone either had first hand experience of similar or only one relationship removed; there is lots of it about.

Good luck.

Money isn’t everything, speak to your wife again because it sounds like something has to change.

I'd second this. Life is short and we're here once, it's not a dress rehearsal. You have my sympathies OP and anyone else in a similar boat because it's a [i]properly[/i] shitty boat to be in (been there, done that, got the 'breakdown' t-shirt).

If I could capture the energy and pace I have in the 2 hours before finishing up for annual leave and employ that all day, every day, I would have a stress related heart attack by the end of the month.

....which is only 3 days away, FWIW

Much resonance here. I hate work, am goodish at it in an emergency but it holds no pleasure at all. it's not the main source of stress for me at the minute but it's definitely the area being most affected. Make sure it's work that's tipping you, if it is then change, if it isn't a new job might just make things worse.

Thank you P-Jay, that is an exceptional and pertinent post. I am genuinely humbled by all the deep consideration from everyone. I will read and re-read all the posts.

I'm glad you found it helpful, and no smoke was blown up any backsides, I meant every word.

I'm going through the same thing myself. I've detested work in the past, I was marginalised, overlooked and taken for granted. I'll never know if it was my depression that made me feel that way, or work making me depressed, it's probally both.

I actually went 'full Tonto' or, as close as I dared. I do have a good relationship with my Boss, but and I'd say this to him, he is a terrible manager. The worst I've ever had. Not because he's a bully, or he's a bad person, he's neither, but he's never learnt any management skills. So I told him I was going to leave as soon as I found something else. After a few weeks, we spoke again, I was honest about what I needed, not just money, although that was a small part of it, but what I needed for my motivation and my personal development.

I only got there through Counselling / Talking Therapy, someone who I trusted considered my career and experience and told me that I was actually really very good at what I do and capable of a lot more. More importantly though, he helped me accept that despite the fact I'm a 'bloke' and my Boss is also my 'Mate' that I do deserve some feedback and recognition for my efforts.

Sorry to hear you're feeling the way you are, it really is more common than you think and as you will see many on here, their spouses/ partners have been there. I recognise much of what you say and I personally go to the point where I cracked in 2019, we're always very busy, key part of the countries' health system and it all got too much. There were signs, but as a senior manager I shouldered others' pressure and eventually it got too much. On a Monday morning I was due on a train north and just couldn't get out of bed, it had been building over the weekend. 4 days later I chatted to the GP and was signed off with stress and depression. It really was the best thing I could have done. Over three months I rested from work, exercised daily, but still never got back to where I wanted. I'd shunned medication and relied on the exercise. Eventually had a moment when trying to head to work on my phased return where I just broke down, managed to call my wife and she found me on the floor of the garage in my bike kit. At that point she got me to the GP and I had a year and bit on antidepressents before coming off them at my own choice with help of GP. I have to say my employer is great and we have lots of support systems inc OH and external providers which were great for me inc the therapy sessions, my boss and colleagues are too and I've made changes to how I work, my own boundaries that I won't cross routinely and so far it's worked. I recognise when I'm getting stressed and put things in practice to mitigate it. That said, given what I do, there will be other major events that will trigger stress, and it's part of the job and is needed to do what we do, but I know how to cope better now. My wife remains convinced one major incident triggered things some times prior which I'm not sure about, and there were many many others far more exposed to it than me.

So it might not be the job per se, best thing is to see your GP, either on your own or with your wife. Be honest with them, as others have said it's your health - they don't see it any differently to an infection etc. Look after yourself and remember it's OK not to be OK.

Lots of good advice here which I won't repeat, but I will say a couple of things.

These days you are the odd one out in the room if you haven't suffered from some sort of mental health issue. There isn't the stigma there used to be, so just like with any other health issue get it treated and if you need time out, then take it.

Secondly please don't leave it too late. 14 years ago I was in a position like you. 6 months later I was being removed from work in an ambulance having suffered a proper "final straw" moment. I have no memory of this but apparently I was drawing random shapes on my bosses office wall with my fingers and completely freaked out over some post-tik notes! The next 2 years were not fun. I couldn't work, I'd get up in the morning to convince my partner that I was OK, then spend most of the day curled up in a ball under the kitchen table. I couldn't drive - didn't have sufficient brain power, and even walking along a road was a nightmare because I didn't have sufficient processing power to decide how to get past obstacles like lampposts. No chance to ride a bike as I couldn't balance.

These days I'm in a really good place and life is great, but those years were very, very hard. Don't be like me, no-one will thank you if you can't function at all, make the changes you need to as soon as you can. If your employer will support you, then great. If not then walk away. As the consultant psychiatrist said to me on "that" day. "There is no job in the world that's worth this, is there?"

Be kind to yourself, there is a lot of help available these days so take advantage of it, and if you need a chat just shout.

^^^^^ thank you - very powerful. The scene described above reminds me of when Blackadder pretends to be mad by sticking a pair of underpants on his head and sticking two pencils up his nose so that he can be invalided back to Blighty.

Hi. Just a quick report back on how things are going.

Firstly, the main advice on here was to talk to people was right. It took a bit of time. The problem is when you are broken you are not very good at getting thing done or doing them in the right way.

I spoke to my wife initially, it took a few conversations but we have come to the conclusion that something has to change. I have now spoken with my boss and the upshot is that he wants me to take a minimum of a month off work (from Wednesday) and not to worry about the projects - he will deal with them and reallocate the work.

Unfortunately (fortunately), I have had COVID for the last two weeks which has brought things to a head. I am feeling quite shell shocked and have a nagging feeling that I am just slacking off. But in the back of mind I am looking forward to a guilt-free day where I go for a ride in the morning with a friend and maybe a spot of gardening in the afternoon (or watch a spring classic on Eurosport). After that I am not sure what I will do but I guess that is the point.

Thanks again everyone. I am genuinely very grateful for all the advice on here - it is a lovely community.

I'm hearing this sort of thing more and more from all sorts of different people. Don't underestimate the psychological toll what the last two years have brought.

In my expert opinion, you've recognised that there is a problem, now to do something about it. Personally, i'd brooch the subject again with the wife and talk it through properly....no need for anyone to get excited, just an open honest conversation.

Maybe talk to someone at work too, if you are behind as you say you are don't wait until becomes critical then you're all in the sh1t with nowhere to go!

See if you can take some time off to recharge the batteries? Time and space are great for contemplation.

Thanks Lamp - did you see my past post (above your)? - basically you are right

Still a way to go though

Glad it's working through for you.

I've been signed off for a month, still at the

when you are broken you are not very good at getting thing done or doing them in the right way.

stage waiting for meds to kick in. Facing some difficult conversations with work and MrsMC about how I find the best way to emerge on the other side.

Facing some difficult conversations with work and MrsMC about how I find the best way to emerge on the other side.

I have just had a few of those today. I did a lot of apologising for dropping colleagues in it and letting them down. But I am letting them down at the moment anyway.

I am very lucky that my colleagues and boss are really good people.

Best of luck

Ah, jobs. I recognise a lot of this thread but I know that it's not me, it's the job. I just don't ****ing care any more, if I ever did. I could give you a rousing speech about how we need to enjoy life to the full and blablabla but that's fundamentally incompatible with work. Only slight issue is that I need the money...

Don't blame yourself for working life being shit.

OP,

Glad to hear that you have managed to sort out your problem.

Breakdown? Yes, I have in the past. There is no way to describe it.

Lost my career completely and only managed to hang on to zero hour contract to sustain myself for a very long time (20 years a long time?).

What I went through (still am) I do not even wish it on my enemy put it this way.