Walking past Boots last night and it looks like a zombie apocalypse inside, with just a few scraps left on shelves; and Mrs L says to me "I might just pop in and see if they have any tissues"
Gently challenged by me with a "are you sure luv" to which she responds with "well, you never know"
FFS
"..I take this man to be my lawful wedded husband..."
@perchy
I bet you were pi$$ed when you were told about that one 😉
While making her a bacon sandwich - "Put the ketchup on the bacon, not the bread. It'll make the bread go soggy"
I bet you were pi$$ed when you were told about that one
Nah, I saw it coming. The white dress was a dead giveaway.
While making her a bacon sandwich – “Put the ketchup on the bacon, not the bread. It’ll make the bread go soggy”
I reckon that it will make the bread less soggy, if you eat it quick enough.
Did you do a test?
Me off work Monday with a nasty cough.
"Can you pick Bob up from school later then?"
Don't worry, he didn't go and we are self-isolating.
“Do you want me to get you some more beer when I’m at the shops?”
We’ve been married 23 years. This isn’t a question that needs to be asked.
I might answer ‘No get me some fruit juice’ though to see if she’s still listening 😉
After thoroughly telling me off for farting loudly in the kitchen whilst she's cooking, and indeed farting loudly generally because it's disgusting, and indeed farting at all, ever, and me apologising and agreeing to try and limit my farting in future, and then asking her what she's cooking...
"Egg and lentil curry"
Driving past Eastnor Castle one day my good lady asked if it was where the king & queen of Ledbury used to live.
Sat on the porch one summer evening, I spotted a bat in my peripheral. "Ooh, a bat" said I, "No it's not" said she...
"Yes it is" I responded..
"Can't be" was her reply..
"Why not?" I enquired..
"Bats only come from Transylvania" was her answer... 🧛🏼♂️
Plenty though most start with 'I have been thinking'
Mostly I just bite my lip and say nothing unless the action proposed is likely to endanger me, my beer or my bikes. There's no point is explaining anything because you'll just get a sarcastic "thanks for mansplaining" and there's no point in disagreeing because you'll just get "you always criticise the things I say". In the cases where I know she's wrong, a little patience is all that's needed because very soon she will realise she was wrong and might even admit it.
When I first heard about Corona there was already a suggestion that we might go to San Francisco for GtiJunior's 21st (yesterday) and another that we might fly to Italy to watch a mountain stage of the Giro. I said nothing, waited and then lo and behold, both trips are cancelled without me needing to disagree at all.
stevied
Subscriber
Driving past Eastnor Castle one day my good lady asked if it was where the king & queen of Ledbury used to live.Sat on the porch one summer evening, I spotted a bat in my peripheral. “Ooh, a bat” said I, “No it’s not” said she…
“Yes it is” I responded..
“Can’t be” was her reply..
“Why not?” I enquired..
“Bats only come from Transylvania” was her answer… 🧛🏼♂️
😳
Building supplies are still well stocked if you wish to enhance your garden over Spring.😉
Whilst watching the latest period drama on ITV:
"Why are they in Belgium if the battle* is in London?"
Just need something about Trafalgar now to bring up some confusion about how 50 ships sailed to central London.
*Waterloo
globalti
"and there’s no point in disagreeing because you’ll just get “you always criticise the things I say”"
Ah, not just me then...
Not my wife but I used to work with someone who was spectacularly stupid. We had an old valve radio playing in the corner and she asked if it was just playing 'old transmissions from ages ago'.
My gran, your deity of choice rest her soul, used to come out with some howlers.
On someone building a wind farm, "what are they building those bloody things for? It's windy enough already."
My buying a midi hi-fi (remember those?), she tried to get the sales guy not to include the speakers as it would "make it too loud."
Probably many more over the years but those two stuck in my mind.
Plenty though most start with ‘I have been thinking’
Oh yes indeed
That's as bonkers as the South African minister for Industry who, when asked why the country's generating capacity is collapsing, replied: "It's the fault of the whites; they made the reservoirs too big to fill!"
I reckon that it will make the bread less soggy, if you eat it quick enough.Did you do a test?
She didn't complain. But now I just make them her way, to be safe
Make them your way then turn them upside down, moral victory.
2 layers of bacon, ketchup inbetween. No soggy bread
love my mum to bits but the one thing that sticks on my mind is when i was on nighsthift & she made a point of suggesting that i dont spend all day lying in my bed
My other half said "Our daughter will not have any vaccinations because they're not safe, or effective or even necessary because we don't have these diseases anymore".
She's now my ex and I'm fighting through the court to get my daughter vaccinated. 🙁
If you know anyone suitably qualified to offer an expert opinion in court in favour of vaccination (e.g. child health, infectious diseases, immunology with medico-legal training) then let me know.
andy5390
MemberWhile making her a bacon sandwich – “Put the ketchup on the bacon, not the bread. It’ll make the bread go soggy”
I don't believe the thread title is "eminently sensible things your OH says", so not sure what this is doing here... 😉
I just butter one side and use ketchup instead of spread on the other.
Nowt wrong with soggy bread lad.
My wife pointing at a blackbird
"What's that black bird called?"
My wife describing a social event we attended "Well that was a bit of a damp squid!"
I was on a plane with the ex and she was looking through the entertainment channels. I asked what was on the opera channel. 'Hoss-ted' came the reply. I wracked my brains, had never heard of that one so I looked at the IFM and it said 'opera hosted by..' She was by no means thick but that made us laugh for some thousands of miles.
no hard data on the bacon / bread / ketchup issue but Mrs R did once explain to the kids that sandwiches are called sandwiches because they were invented by the Duke of Wellington
I was fixing the toilet
I said to my other half
" the flush isn't working for the moment, you will have to use a bucket"
she said " im not going in a f******G bucket"
Cougar - what is it with grans and wind farms?
On being driven past one my gran commented “ those windmills must use a lot of electricity”
I tried to set her straight but she’d made her mind up
And another. Setting alarm using the Google assistant thing.
Me: Set alarm for 8 AM
Her: Hiya Google, can you please set my alarm for 8 o'clock in the morning please, thank you
"Why do you want me to cancel my mother's day restaurant booking?"
Harriet Jumper Jet
no hard data on the bacon / bread / ketchup issue but Mrs R did once explain to the kids that sandwiches are called sandwiches because they were invented by the Duke of Wellington
Contender for thread win.
I’m fighting through the court to get my daughter vaccinated
Can you not just take her to the doctor and get it done? Why do you need to force her to do it?
Mrs R did once explain to the kids that sandwiches are called sandwiches because they were invented by the Duke of Wellington
Yes. Thread winner so far. I can almost imagine hearing the tale unfold.
Wandering through a quaint village in the Dales the wife comes out with "wow they must have a lot of Chinese toursists, they translate signs!". Apparrently that is what the'DUCK XING' signs by the road near the pond were.
Wandering through a quaint village in the Dales the wife comes out with “wow they must have a lot of Chinese toursists, they translate signs!”. Apparrently that is what the’DUCK XING’ signs by the road near the pond were.
That. Is. Superb. 😀
Harriet is a lovely name for a war plane, much less aggressive.
While making her a bacon sandwich – “Put the ketchup on the bacon, not the bread. It’ll make the bread go soggy”
Are you one of those monsters that also spreads mustard on bread instead of the meat?
Not my OH (thank ****), but I once worked with someone who told me about a car accident she'd heard of where the car driver pulled out of a dodgey turn and got hit by an argonaut.
Daftest thing the OH said this week is "let's cycle into the city at the weekend". Mental.
Are you one of those monsters that also spreads mustard on bread instead of the meat?
Er, yes. Yes I am 😁
Not my OH (thank ****), but I once worked with someone who told me about a car accident she’d heard of where the car driver pulled out of a dodgey turn and got hit by an argonaut.
what was he driving, a golden fiat?
Wandering through a quaint village in the Dales the wife comes out with “wow they must have a lot of Chinese toursists, they translate signs!”. Apparrently that is what the’DUCK XING’ signs by the road near the pond were.
A mate of mine, when visiting Wales once, commented "just how bloody long is Traeth Beach?!"
"Will it be quiet in IKEA tomorrow morning....."
😱
can we get a landrover ( 90 )?...
oh how we laughed
Not my OH (thank ****), but I once worked with someone who told me about a car accident she’d heard of where the car driver pulled out of a dodgey turn and got hit by an argonaut.
Daftest thing the OH said this week is “let’s cycle into the city at the weekend”. Mental.
I hope you asked if he was called Jason...
Me: You can't put that in the recycling bin - our council have made it clear they can't process it.
Her: Well it's about time they did.
So in it went.........
And part of her job is auditing recycling plants
Many moons ago now (obvs) at approx 2am in morning out of absolutely nowhere the ex asked: “if I was a fish, what kind of fish would I be?”... 🤷🏻♀️
To which replied, quick as a flash: a carp...
I was fixing the toilet
I said to my other half
” the flush isn’t working for the moment, you will have to use a bucket”she said ” im not going in a f******G bucket”
Just to balance the stupidity between the sexes a little I said something even more stupid last year:
Last summer I water supply went off for several hours, the inlaws were staying so with extra people in the house all 3 toilets had been flushed and were empty. I needed a poo but didn't want to leaveit in their for my inlaws to find. My wife said 'the paddling pool is full of water', I protested until she explained that she meant use the water from it to flush with. LOL
Me: You can’t put that in the recycling bin – our council have made it clear they can’t process it.
Her: Well it’s about time they did.So in it went………
I do this!
In an effort to balance the blame, the first time we watched Gogglebox I turned to my good lady wife and asked "Is there a stupid one in every relationship?".
Never, ever, gonna be allowed to forget that one 🤦
A mate of mine, when visiting Wales once, commented “just how bloody long is Traeth Beach?!”
Similar to my brother wondering why so many hotels in Wales are called Gwesty.
We are Welsh and both had Welsh lessons in school.
im afraid ive just discovered my wife wasnt sure if mount everest was in england or not :-/
she wasnt too impressed with the hoots of derision either..... "well i dont know where it is do i smartarse!!"
Bless.... 😀
@jon taylor - sadly, that's the law. IANAL, but Green Book Chapter 2 (the bible for immunsiation in the UK/NHS) on consent to vaccinate people who can't give their consent, i.e. a young child, advises that there's a few medical procedures where both parents have to agree and if they can't agree then it needs a court order. There have been court cases in the past (is this what they call case law?) which have resulted in this determination. I'm going to be campaigning for an explicit change in the law to make it clear that only one parent's consent is needed for vaccination (assuming there are no contra-indications advising against vaccination). You'll hear the antivax mob screaming from the rooftops once a vaccine is developed and offered for coronavirus and all sorts of misinformation will be pumped out by the antivax crowd.
Also, if I was to take the JFDI approach my ex would not trust me with my daughter again and my contact would be impacted or some other blocking tactics used. Welcome to the world of acrimonious family breakdown.
Mate's ex was very confused about us leaving the EU...She genuinely couldn't work out how we were going to be moved or where we would go...
We obviously helped and told her we'd be getting placed right against Iceland. She got really upset as she wanted to be moved closer to the equator!
"what shift you on?"
Late / Early
What time does that start?
(Shifts have started at 830 or 1330 for the last 15 years)
Also if she asks me if I have the key, I'll say "yes" she'll say "I've got the secret"
You know that Barcelona football team, which city do they play in!!!
Her; Look at those little sheep.
Me; They're not little, they're far away.
Thanks to Father Ted for the inspiration.
Also if she asks me if I have the key, I’ll say “yes” she’ll say “I’ve got the secret”
That's the most romantic thing I've heard for some time. Appreciate what you've got.
I noticed an alloy on the car had been scraped so I called her outside, the mark went from about 11-2 using a clock face.
Upon looking at the damage she admitted hitting a kerb but then said “I thought the damage was lower down”
"Don't put knives in the dishwasher, err, I think it will blunt them"
What, water?
Oh and on similar lines;
"Don't melt snow for water when camping, it'll burn"
Ok, so water burns and blunts knives?
'Stop putting that metal thing in the kitchen sink plughole, it stops all the bits going down'
absolutely genuine. I still dine out on that from time to time 😋
Thank you, I needed that 🙂
Don’t put knives in the dishwasher, err, I think it will blunt them
Erm it does. I think it must be the chemical and it only happens with regular steel knives but I can tell if they have been through the dishwasher
If you know anyone suitably qualified to offer an expert opinion in court in favour of vaccination (e.g. child health, infectious diseases, immunology with medico-legal training) then let me know.
Sorry can't offer any help, but you have my sympathy. My ex thinks CV is some sort of conspiracy, fortunately has been convinced to do all the right behaviours but you really start to wonder what crap she has been reading.
Social services should take a view on issues like yours, clearly a child protection issue, arguably an unsafe home and reason to remove....
"Fine!"
Not OH but MIL today;
"Well I dont mind getting it, they cant expect us to just not have a social life".
And FIL on why there was only pork available in Morrisons;
"Muslims dont eat pork, do they? It's all the immigrants buying up the meat."
My anti vaccination ex has also decided coronavirus is because they are installing 5g everywhere, had to bite my tongue while she was complaining at her mum about getting on a plane, I almost asked if they had installed 5g on the planes as well
Not OH but someone I worked with
"Dinosaurs aren't real, they made them up for jurassic park, Unicorns are extinct though
Are chips a vegetable?
Was Hitler a Jew?"
And she was convinced cheese came from plants because her mom had one on the kitchen windowsill with a label that said "cheese plant" on it
Guy at work thought all immigrants got free cars. That was his reason for voting UKIP. I’ve never heard anything as stupid I just sat there gobsmacked then told the Polish guy who was equally as amazed.
Walking past James Watt dock in Greenock. The water is really high today, where did it all come from when its not been raining.
My explanation of how the tide works resulted in "how can the moon suck up the water" She has a degree and a rather responsible job!
My wife (2 degrees and a masters) always apologies to Alexa if it doesn’t recognise what she’s asked it to do.
Talking about how quiet it was yesterday, little traffic, few planes flying. I remarked how WizzAir had parked up some of their fleet at Finningley and Virgin were bringing some in too even though they don't fly from here. I said we would be cheaper than busier airports. No, she said, it's because a really long runway, they will be able to store loads on it.
She doesn't say anything anymore, she just sits on her shelf ignoring me.
Sorry, dark humour moment. IGMC.
"Don't taser him.....he's only 11"
Sounds a bit like my dad gnusmas 🙂
