[Closed] Boarding School?????

Do what's best for your kids.

A couple of typos in the post! Sorry!

Would the school fees not decimate the wage difference anyway? I think most boarding schools are north of £30k/year these days....

I guess the other option is to see how she does in the German school, and if it is an issue then explore other options as to what suits your daughter best.

I did it, I loved it. As a parent now I'd love to be able to afford to send mine. All I can give is advice in principle. Basically like being with your mates all the time with everything you need to have fun around you. What's not to like. I think 14 is a good age, any younger is a bit mean.

It's down to the individual Child, I'm sure so you'll know better than anyone.

As someone who went to boarding school my take on it is that boarding school is a form of child abuse.

As a child it's vital that there is a safe space where you don't have to be on your guard. In any school there are all kind of things going on, conflicts, friendships, etc. Children need time to unplug and process what is happening. They also need a space where they can pursue their interests without fear of judgment. They need a space where they can burst into tears and pull their hair out if they need to.

Read up on Boarding School Syndrome. For some people it maybe doesn't adversely affect their lives too much, some people it affects but boarding school teaches them how to hide their feelings and keep going even if their being torn up inside, and some people it just completely destroys. You won't know what it's done to her until after it's far too late.

Do you really want to take the chance?

...absolutely what BruceWee said. Your daughter is likely to say she is enjoying it even if she isn't, as she will know how much it is costing. I probably convinced myself I mainly enjoyed it. I boarded from 13 and while its probably quite different now (mine was pretty traditional - fags, all sorts of things...) its still a really big wrench, even with all the modern day connectivity.

In some ways I think there is a bigger divide between the kids there now. When I was there it was mainly kids of successful lawyers, accountants and business people. A much bigger proportion now are from international families that are super wealthy. My parents had to really save to get me there and that was clear among my peer group that that was the case. Now it will be much more exacerbated.

Very much each to there own and its personal preference, depending on the school, the child and the family relationship. I could afford to do it now, just about, but there's no way I will.

Not sure where you are in Bayern, but there is an international school in Munich - would that be an option ?

Never been to boarding school, but everyone I ever worked with who did were weirdos.

The German/Bavarian system is really harsh on young kids.

Your test results at age 10 will go a long way to deciding whether the child goes to uni, gets a vocational trade or sits at the counter of the local Lidl. There is the chance to move between the schools, but it is not easy.

Because of this there is a massive after school industry catering to anxious parents.

A friend of ours is a primary school teacher. Part of her job is to advise on which of the three schools a child should be sent. She gets lots of passive aggressive letters, flowers, offers of using a house on the Italian Riviera or Lake Garda.

Lots of the teachers even agree that the system is flawed (GF's mother was a primary teacher, as is one of her friends and four friends teach at secondary).

It is also one of the oldest, unchanged continuous systems in use.

If you are in Munich there is indeed an international school.

Whereabouts in Bayern are you?

I'm in Sendling, oida.

I went to boarding school for 7 years starting when I was 10.

It was a Navy run school and you could imagine all the naval things that we were made to do and the physicality of it.

At times it was the most distressing period of my life but at other times, the best.

We had all the things going on you could imagine from a boarding school in the early 90's. You imagine it and I've probably seen it.

It has left me with various issues, some of which I still have to deal with and will always have to I expect, but that's just the way it is I guess. My parents never made me go or indeed stay, and it was always my choice to decide what I wanted to do about being there.

As I say, best and worst of times but it was a unique environment and these days the school is a completely different place. I had an awesome all round education. No better than anyone else you pass in the street but I had ALL the opportunities a young man could have dreamed of. It was up to me to use them.

I wouldn't send my kid away though. I couldn't bear to be apart from her and there are things in my head about my parents I hope she never has in hers even though I wasn't forced to be there.

Different times I guess these days and as I say, my school was a very different experience to most boarding schools. However, an education should not only be academic and it's every parent's responsibility to do the right thing for wee ones and that includes making them awesome people in society. Sometimes schools fail at that.

Take the pay cut, come back to the UK.

Your choice appears to be a big wage but your child is in boarding school or, pay cut and your child lives with you.

Imo you're missing out on some amazing times being away from your kids. Be a horrible thing to regret when your older, especially if your child had a bad time in boarding school.

I was sent to boarding school at seven. I hated it. Far too young, and lasted a term.
Went again when I was thirteen and loved it! Probably because it was mixed sex. Friends who went to single sex public schools emerged warped and bitter, but with the right connections...

Went through the boarding system and absolutely loved it but I would say it depends very much on the child and the school.

Sporty, outgoing kids thrive but the more academic type who is slightly cautious and shy often have a very hard time boarding and are better suited to being day pupils.

The right school is paramount as they can vary dramatically and some of the more well known schools become a game of onemanupship in terms of wealth etc.
+1 with the above about mixed schools.

Don't do it, or seriously think about the pro's and con's.
I contract to a private school and see my fair share of kids with behaviour issues, which is put down to not seeing their parents from one term to the next.
I can't go into details, but it has definitely changed my opinion on schooling and what is best for kids.

I also went to boarding school from the age of ten, academically it was the best thing for me, extra curricular activities included stuff I would likely never have had the opportunity to try at home but socially, meh, I was awkward and shy which isn't conductive to a great time. That said I would still do it again, there seems to have been a huge culture change and I would send my daughter if I met the entry criteria.

Ojom - Victorian or Dukie? Or is there another I'm not aware of?

Could you speak to the school and ask whether she can repeat her year to give her time to improve her German?

@squirrelking. The Royal Hospital School. Holbrook.

I can't get past the idea of having children then thinking it's okay to absolve yourself of anything but financial responsibility.

Enjoy your kids around you, let them learn from you and have parents to look up to, have memories about....

I would also be looking at International schools in Bavaria. There are three in Munich one in Ingolstadt and one in Franconia. My kids go to an International school here in Germany and they all love it there. I think the Franconian school also has a boarding school which could be an option for the week and have your child home at the weekend.

I run a boarding school, outside of the UK.

If you are planning on sending her to the UK to board, prices are steep for a decent school, and it does come down to that, are you prepared to pay for the best, or financially do you need to settle for something in the middle in the UK.

If you were to still look internationally, you will get more for your money.

Rugby, and I believe Wellington, are opening schools in Thailand this year. Both are relatively expensive - I think Rugby is going to be around 700kTHB + 500kB boarding per year - in effect 28k GBP, but in a school with brand new facilities.

Harrow Bangkok, which is well established will set you back 1.2MTHB for full boarding.

If you still keep an international perspective on things, your daughter can remain in an education system she is used to, with a mix of people from around the world, which I assume she is used to as well.

UWCA in Singapore is hugely expensive ~50kGBP per year full boarding, but is/was one of the best schools in the world.

Closer to home, there are some very good international boarding schools in India, and Europe.

Is the current school doing English/UK curriculum or International ?
Which is best for her longer term?

If she goes to an international school that takes international BAC she can still go to Uni in the UK.

I have lots of friends who's kids did International BAC and went to UK Uni.
Others chose not to attend UK Uni... and others did double courses (A friends daughter did a double French-English law degree for example - Paris/Colchester then did her masters in Geneva in International Law)

One did [b]also [/b]take A levels just to be certain which were very easy for her and she pretty much double secured a place at Cambridge.

^ IB is a fantastic course.

I've spent a bit of this morning looking at UK boarding school pages, to see what they offer, the costs, and any terms they have.

Being based in Germany are there any opportunities for host families in neighbouring countries. The International School of the Hague is a fantastic school, and if you could place your daughter with a host family there, she would have the opportunity to attend an amazing school.

My oldest is just sitting his IGCSes and will hopefully be starting the IB program in August. According to the school the IB students are preferred over A level students by many units because the IB program has already taught the children how to be academically organized. They also said the drop out rate is lower at uni for IB students. One thing to bare in mind if you do decide on a German International school is that studying at uni in Germany can be quite difficult because the German education system discriminates against IB students.

Obviously it depends on the individual child, but aside from that, it's a great idea; most of the people who I know who boarded/are boarding absolutely loved it.

I taught IB and A-levels at the same time to different classes.
IB is superior in everyway. The teacher's guide for the A-level was about 60 pages long and full of nonsense. The IB teacher's guide was 25 pages long, full of relevant information.
The kids enjoyed it a lot more too. It was far closer to the university experience of encouraging the students to think independently.

I was a day boy at a boarding school.
Of the weekly boarders the confident sporty ones liked it. The less confident didn't. I saw several really deeply upset.

Of the term / multi week boarders most hated it / tollerated it. Very few liked it. One of the ones I remember who did was about 18 months older in the sixth form and a son of a wealthy ****stan politican.

This was late 90s period.

Just about all of them lacked basic skills and had subtly different manors.

By skills mean things like changing a light bulb putting washing out. By manors I mean a lot more expectant to be served. They were not rude, just wouldn't offer to help.

It will change your child's personality, it just depends if you like that change

As someone who went to boarding school my take on it is that boarding school is a form of child abuse.

As a child it's vital that there is a safe space where you don't have to be on your guard. In any school there are all kind of things going on, conflicts, friendships, etc. Children need time to unplug and process what is happening. They also need a space where they can pursue their interests without fear of judgment. They need a space where they can burst into tears and pull their hair out if they need to.

Read up on Boarding School Syndrome. For some people it maybe doesn't adversely affect their lives too much, some people it affects but boarding school teaches them how to hide their feelings and keep going even if their being torn up inside, and some people it just completely destroys. You won't know what it's done to her until after it's far too late.

Do you really want to take the chance?

This. I was sent away to boarding school at the age of eight, I now feel that it was a betrayal by my parents. They did it because their friends all did it; as middle-class people you were expected to send your sons to boarding school in preparation for colonial service in the military or civil service. That need has disappeared with the British Empire. I remember actually thinking one day, very soon after the trauma of arriving: "Nobody is going to be here to support me, so I need to become completely self-sufficient so that I don't need anybody else". That self-isolation has marked me though life and must make me a very difficult husband and father.

Look at the website Boarding School Survivors for more on the psychological effects of boarding school.

Sounds like it's a straight choice between chasing money and yer kid.

I went to boarding school from 11 (my dad was in the RAF so moving around all the time would have screwed up my education otherwise and the government paid most of it).

I don't think it did me any harm, probably helped in a lot of ways. I can't say I particularly enjoyed it (it is effectively being at school 24x7 after all) but for me it was more the shit food, school on Saturday 9am-1pm and mandatory Sunday church attendance that I hated. The general being away from home didn't bother me much (some kids got home sick a lot the first year or two though).

I can imagine it would be a nightmare if you were bullied but that didn't really go on at the school I was at (sure there were arguments and fights but not sustained bullying).

One issue it did cause me is because it was very regimented (especially the set homework times where you were monitored) when I left and went to Uni I had no self-discipline. I ended up in the pub most of the time and dropped out after a year - that said my brother (who went through the same experience) ended up graduating with a 1st (and then a masters) and lots of people I know did just fine at Uni so it's probably more I'm a naturally lazy git than boarding school screwing me up :p

If I had kids I wouldn't personally send them to boarding school without good reason (as in not just because it might be perceived as the best possible education) but I think the OP has a pretty good reason, although paying the full fees would be painful.

TBF many folk chase the money [i]because[/i] of their family. Money can provide opportunity, comfort and stability. I know folk who work offshore so they have a good income and can provide a good home etc.

Having said that, I turned down an opportunity to work abroad long term for better money when my daughter was younger as I didn't want to miss her growing up. The thought of sending her to a boarding school? Nah.

Find out where the best riding is, go live there and take your daughter with you. simples.

Kids grow up so fast. I look at pics of my own son as he grew and wish I could have spent even more time with him than I did.

Money can provide opportunity, comfort and stability.

I know what I want my kids to remember from their childhood and it isn't nice cars and fancy holidays.

I know what I want my kids to remember from their childhood and it isn't nice cars and fancy holidays.

*Likes*

Google 'boarding school syndrome' and have a read - it's a well recognised issue coming to light more and more among therapists and metal health services who see the consequences. Also, I'd want my child to be able to mix well with, and relate to, as wide a range of people as possible, and boarding school doesn't exactly help this. Some big employers are changing their recruitment policies away from the old habit of looking for (usually) privately educated/Oxbridge academic geniuses, because they're actually quite often crap at their jobs - can't mix well or communicate effectively, and only good in cliques of other similarly privileged workers. Oh, and the 'yah' accent sucks.

google a lot of things.

I went to a decent mixed school. It was fine, we didn't have any unwanted attention or syndromes. I was on a scholarship so I did feel somewhat short changed when my Mum arrived to pick me up in a Maestro with dented doors. Didn't fit in that well with all the range rovers...

johndoh -Nail on Head

My wife (and her elder sister) went to one of the larger all-girls boarding school in the UK.

She seems fine, although I'd add that she went home every weekend unlike many. I'm pretty sure that having an older sister at the school and a very loving weekend home environment helped a lot.

So, potentially quite different from other experiences and the likely situation for the OP really - but some hope nonetheless.

If he lives in another country going home for weekends is pretty unlikely.

It's a balance, some people love it but ime more dislike it especially if term boarding.

Without sounding like a soppy git, I think I'd miss them too much to have them away all the time. But then again, they are not teenagers yet so maybe I will change my opinion then.

Some schools will let kids try out for a week. My daughter did, and changed her mind. But her friends enjoyed it. A lot depends on the school, and your daughter.

I'd just take a lower wage over boarding school. You only get to see them grow up once.

All the men in my paternal line went to Harrow, they are not especially emotionally well equipped...I went to public school for a year but hated it and was happier in local comp. I keep my 3 kids close as I couldn't handle (or afford!) them shipped off. Nice to be integrated with the community around you too.
My eldest does go to a expensive public school on a scholarship for her A levels, her choice and she loves it, and the boarders seem pretty well cared for. I do feel a bit for the Foreign students, long way from home.

Ex boarding school age 10 run by the Irish Brothers in a Hill station in India. Great adventures etc etc but as some of the others have posted you end up with deep issues that you probably don't even realise you have until later in life.

Would I send my kids ... not a chance in hell as much as they would enjoy some aspects of it.

I boarded from 11 to 18 at Stamford Boys. I loved it - friends 24/7. Never a dull moment.

We still had fagging. I was never bullied and any bullying that did occur was swiftly nipped in the bud by the person you fagged for.

I had a wealth of opportunities and was never homesick. I actually spent most holidays at Lympstone with the CCF, as I was marine-barmy.

It's twenty years since I left. I've recently started seeing a psychiatrist to resolve certain personal and marital issues.

As mentioned, I've always professed to have loved my time at boarding school. Since seeing the shrink I've been diagnosed as bipolar with ADHD.

The link to 'boarding school syndrome' was very interesting as it covers a lot of diagnosis points for both of the above.

I don't have kids and it's not in my plan. But I've always said that if I do and - if I can afford to do so - I would send them to boarding school. I truly believed that it gives children a great kick-start in life.

Now I'm not so sure. Whether my state of mind is a result of my schooling or not is something that is impossible to determine. But if I were in your shoes...I'd probably now think very carefully about the lasting mental and emotional implications.

I was a happy boarder. I absolutely loved every second of it. But it's not a home environment with the love, care and personal attention that goes with a home life.

I was a day pupil at an independent school from the age of 3....we had boarders at age 7. Quite a lot of 'em. My memories of them are that there was a quite a lot of bullying and no female figures to 'go to' when they were upset; just a matron. They would tell me about crying themselves to sleep. But they just had to get on with it, really. This was in the 80's. They seemed to have a better time of it at senior school at 13 when it was Co Ed.

The boys who boarded all the way through were definitely more messed up that the day pupils who had a sense of 'normality' from home, I think.

I only know one boarder from that time who, weirdly, lives near me. He was an only child was sent to prep school at 9 , so his parents could improve and enjoy their media careers. His mother was resentful that she'd taken time off after having him and her career had suffered 'because of him' - his words, not mine.

Sadly, his dad died of cancer when he was 15 and he never really got to know him because he was away at boarding school. Mother died when he was 35. He's married with kids and very nice, but has a kind of sadness about him and resents being sent away.

Personally, I wouldn't dream of sending my children to boarding school. Its a very very strange thing to do.

I guess that it depends on the child, but from my own experience I wouldn't recommend it.

I spent 2 years in one in the early 80s and despised it.

Bullying was rife amongst the pupils and some of the teachers physically abused the pupils. Horrible people.

The link to boarding school syndrome is interesting.

Let me think now:

Anxiety - tick
Depression - tick
Substance abuse - tick

Plus some of the other symptoms.

I now have 3 of my own children and I would never send them to one. As others have said previously, I would miss them too much.

I was also sent away aged about 10. Bullying, homesickness, nothing as serious as you sometimes read in the papers but it wasn't a time I look back on with any fondness. To be fair to my parents, the local schools were pretty shit and in contrast the education I received was extremely good, which I've benefited from hugely in later life. But my wife went to a decent grammar school where she lived and did just as well out of that. I guess it depends on the options available but I'd view it as more of a last resort than great choice.

I don't think it's particularly the cause of my deep-seated psychological problems though, people get screwed up for all sorts of reasons and make up all sorts of excuses for it.

Depends on the child. Some flourish (probably the more extrovert ones) others hate it.
The boarding school was created to serve the Empire. Many have softened their approach and put a huge amount of effort into the pastoral side, but I think for a lot of kids that is a poor substitute for the everyday support and love of a parent.
I taught in one for a year, and learnt that if you as the parent lose your job, and can't afford the bills any longer, than your kid is out of there pronto. Funny how they are registered as charities.

Wheras I was in boarding school '93 to '01 and the issues that most seem to be discussing were well and truly stamped out. The pastoral care was pretty good (yes there was a matron but they were by and large well loved by the vast majority) plus there were other folk you could speak to. Even from then to now I can't recognise my school, it seems better in that regard even since I was there.

Of course numerous things helped. We were all children of ranked forces personnel so no social pretentions (except the ones whos dad was first on the balcony) , girls were introduced when I went into S2 and a certain ex teacher decided to go to the Express and fabricate the kind of nonsense David Ilke would be proud of.

The opportunities I had would never have been available to me at home and I feel very fortunate I was given the chance. No I didn't like it all the time but that's just life. If I met the entry criteria I wouldn't hesitate to offer my daughter the same.