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Many years ago my father passed down a piece of advice that his father had passed down to him.
[i][b]“Son, the first time your wife asks you to do some gloss painting make sure that you make a proper mess of it.”[/i][/b]
Today, my wife is up a set of ladders painting the soffits because, and I quote, “You’ll only make a mess of it”.
Thanks dad.
😆
'Leave that paving slab alone' 30 seconds later I had a broken toe.
Poor hora Jnr wont have any good pieces of advice based on the evidence so far...
I showed him what it was like to stand on the top tube whilst riding along....
So I get a call from school.... hes fallen off a bike in the playground doing the same.
Dont stick your finger where you wouldnt put your penis. Because of this i still have all my digits despite being a clumsy oaf who works with heavy machinery.
right tight, left loose
Think my Dad has only ever given me one piece of advice.
That was to use a little earwax on the end of a screwdriver to hold the screw on if its not magnetic.
Buy the most expensive house you can possibly afford. Money is so tight now due to my massive mortgage I'm not sure that was good advice at all. Although I'm sure it'll work out in the long run!
Exactly how bad are you at glossing that soffits would look rubbish from ground level?
Do you apply it with a catapult?
"Go and ask your mum"
"Never show fools and children a half finished job"
My dad advised me not to trust 'darkies'. Thankfully I have a completely different view on life than he did in this area...
right tight, left loose
You Dad didn't maintain your bike then?
Marry a woman with small hands.
If you want people to do something make them think it was their idea.
Thinking hard....
Nope. Still nothing.
My grand father actually but: -
When you think you know what you're talking about, go and ask a man who does.
And
Think about where you're putting it, you'll still want to piss through it when you're 80.
Never buy an Austin. Although that isn't really relevant today I am pretty sure it was true at the time because of the time he spent in the garage swearing at various models of BL and Austin motors.
"why buy a book when you can join a library" when I told him I was going to get married , 23yrs on he's still wrong
[i]Thinking hard....
Nope. Still nothing.[/i]
It was probably
"Never spend more than £500 on a hi-hi system, son".
You've just repressed the memory 😉
zinaru - Memberright tight, left loose
I said righty tighty, lefty loosy to my dad once when I was helping him with a door. He said "Where did you hear that?" I said I dunno, the internet probably, why? He said, "my dad told me that." SO WHY DID YOU NEVER TELL ME? BAD DAD!
Two bits of advice and that I'll pass on
First: "Sell it for more than you pay for it", fundamental business advice that if ignored will be your ruination.
Second this one is mine for my own offspring and any young man about to set out on lifes rich pathway.
"Find a woman you really hate and buy her a house, get it over with early on."
"Buck up son, it's only a graze. You'll do worse than that at some point"
He's got a point to be fair.
Don't be a sheep.
"Take photos of yours kids' party as it's great for memories"
Thinking hard....
Nope. Still nothing.
Stop arguing?
Don't worry about doing anything you'd be embarrassed to tell me about. Just don't do anything you'd be ashamed to tell me about.
on leaving for university in '92:
"Kev, when you're entertaining or having a party, when people arrive be sure to give them a good stiff drink"
Absolutely bang on.
Also taught me how to clear my nose 'footballer style' - I think that is akin to riding a bike or swimming in terms of life importance, and also neccesity to learn as a child! Ever seen an adult try nto teach themselves how to clear their nose? awful!
The only memory I have of my dad is watching his band do an ace rendition of yellow submarine from my comfy spot curled up on a pile of coats under a table in the working men's club after they got back from their Hamburg tour..
I think it's stood me in good stead
"No matter how gorgeous a woman is, she still have 4lbs of poo inside her"
Thanks Dad. Really, thanks.
When I was about 7, my Dad changed the window frame in my bedroom.
"Keep your head out of the way"
Wish I'd listened, because 30 seconds later a large chunk of masonry fell from the window frame and cut my head.
I still have a scar 35 years later.
I can still remember my mum letting rip at him..
Never put your fingers where you wouldn't put your knob
"No matter how gorgeous a woman is, she still have 4lbs of poo inside her"Thanks Dad. Really, thanks.
Did he say " unless she's from Southport?
"Treat everyone else on the road as an idiot" served me well to this day - thanks Dad
Never had a Dad but this:
Don't worry about doing anything you'd be embarrassed to tell me about. Just don't do anything you'd be ashamed to tell me about.
is rather good. I shall steal it and use it as my own for my son. Thank you.
"if in doubt, give it a clout"
it was with respect to football, but I think it has far-reaching applications.
"never drink in a pub with a flat roof"
"Measure twice, cut once"
Speak as you find.
You reap what you sow.
Dont get an earring, and if your if in a fight with a bloke with an earring use it to pull his <insert profanity> ear off.
West of Scotland stuff 😉
"Second hole from the back of the neck"
Treat all other road users as if they are idiots ...
" If the police ever knock my door and mention your name, it had better be to tell me that you're dead........otherwise you will be"
If you agree something with someone ALWAYS back it up in writing.
That has got me out of a lot of trouble over the years.
Was quite funny when it came to bite him in the arse many years later
Not from my dad, someone else's. Driving advice: if you realize that a crash is inevitable, remember that fields are softer than other cars
Always ask the best looking girl in the room. You never know.....
"If you cant buy it with cash, you can't afford it"
A few weeks before my wedding he says that we need a 'chat', so I went to see my folks.
Dad - "Son, I need to talk to you about your wedding and all that"
Me - "Ok", expecting some long speech (as I was quite young)
Dad - "Just turn up"
That was it.
Also:
"Don't bet, the Bookie drives a better car than you (for a reason)."
And my Granny had the best:
"Life? It's not a dress rehearsal, this is it, live it". She got to 97 and only ill in her last week.
Keep quiet if you have nothing nice to say or nothing useful to add.
I get the feeling the world would be a better place if more people did it.
Keep quiet if you have nothing nice to say or nothing useful to add.
whilst I like this, it doesn't get you very far.
"Never a lender nor a debtor be"*
*Mortgages don't count apparently
My Dad never gave me any advice.
"You are our only son. No girl you bring home will ever be good enough for your mother, so don't worry about it."
I will try and hold that thought when MrsMC contrives to arrive late at a family do tomorrow so she can continue her passive/aggressive feud with her mother in law. 🙄
"Keep your thumbnails nice and long so you can pick the seam"
'Don't be a prick all your life'
Dispensed to me in front of several of my friends at the age of about 12. Quite humbling at the time.
'Better to keep your mouth shut & listen letting people think you maybe an idiot than open it and confirm their suspicions'
&
Rule 1. Don't be a dick.
"Make sure the allen key is pushed all the way in before you turn"
"spit on the line before pulling the knot tight on the hook"
That's pretty much it as I can remember.
Not my dad but one of my dad's mates at a football match once:
"All women are mental. Remember it. Even the ones that seem like they're not. As soon as you realise and accept it, you'll understand life a bit more. Won't stop you wanting them but always have it in the back of your mind."
Edit: I'm not saying it's true btw - just made me chuckle at the time.
When I was at Uni: Shag it but make sure you use protection.
My father told me, lyin' on his bed of death
"Boy," he says, "Woman, she's gonna make it, don't fool yourself
'Cause she's got somethin' to make a man
Lay that money, uh, right in her hand
And the very thing that makes her rich will make you poor
The very thing that makes her rich will make you poor", that's right
Well, I put you behind the wheel of a deuce and a quarter, yes I did
Had you livin' like a rich man's daughter, yes I did, I sure did
While you were livin' high on the hog
You had me down here scuffling like a dog
Well, the very thing that made you rich made me poor
Very thing that made you rich made me poor
Don't you never, ever make such a bad mistake
You know I'd rather climb into bed with a rattlesnake, that's right
Then to work hard every day bringin' that woman all my pay
The very thing that makes her rich makes me poor
Makes me so damn poor
The thing that makes her rich makes me poor
Very thing that makes you rich makes me poor
Very thing that makes you rich makes me poor
Makes me so damn poor
Money won't change it, no no
Money won't change it, no no
Money won't change it, no no
Don't let your mouth write cheques that your body can't cash.
Women are like Volcanoes they can lie dormant for years and years but sooner or later they will erupt!
Don't shit where you eat
On the subject of the unfathomability of women . . .
As long as you have a hole in your a*se you'll never understand them.
A fair point I that has stood me in good stead and onbe that probably works the other way too.
Never trust a politician
My Dad wasn't an advisor as such but I learned loads from him.
'If it flies, floats or ****'s It'll cost you a fortune.'
If its loose and should be tight use gaffer tape.
If its tight and should be loose use WD40.
Always served me well.
Just after I had passed my driving test he said " remember that is better to be 5 minutes late than dead on time". It has ally stuck with me and probably saved me more than once!
Don't be scared to ask a silly question. I'd rather you asked it than stand there frigging clueless! 😆
If you ever meet a Woman who promises to do anything for the sum of £50....bring her home and get her to paint the outside of the house!
Also..
Don't eat anything you cant spell.
He didn't like foreign food, When I saw him eating a Pizza once he said Thats OK because Pizzas aren't foreign.
On choosing a life partner:
"Before you buy a piglet, have a look at the sow"
Do as you would be done by
From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.
Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine ownself be true.
Beware of drivers in trilbys.
If you ever set yourself on fire, avoid looking in a mirror; it's likely to make you panic.
"Don't listen to a word I say"
and
"Don't listen to a word from your Mother either..."
Never trust a fool (delivered as he threw a bucket of dirty car washing water on my brother after my brother said 'you wouldn't dare do that').
I miss dad 🙁
These came from his father , "don't put off till tomorrow what you can get done today" and another "if you want the job done right get the best people to do it!" I've modified the second one to, "If you want it done right you have to do it yourself!"
Don't try to boil eggs in the kettle
Never trust a man who doesn't like football
Two ears, one mouth. Use them in the same proportion.
Only advice my dad's given me was something to do with how to dig a trench which, tbh has been no real use to me