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Oh Poppet, to think when we first met you were so worried you came from Iran.
Course I did, how do you think I got these trainers
The Swan and Peado
Mike: In 1994 while on weekend manoeuvres in France, I commandeered a Chieftain tank without the permission of my immediate superiors. I then attempted to invade Paris. However, en route I stopped off at Disneyland Paris, or EuroDisney as it was then called, and was subsequently apprehended on Space Mountain.
TA Officer: Do you have any explanation as to why you might have done this?
Mike: Well sir, at the time, I was suffering from serious emotional problems that had clearly affected my judgement. I had immersed myself in a fantasy world of my own creation and as a result I became very insular and uncommunicative.
TA Officer: Why do you think that was?
Mike: [Shrugs] I dunno.
Richie What about pin the tail on the donkey?
Eddie: We haven't got a donkey.
Richie: Well er, pin the tail on the chicken
Eddie: We haven't got a tail.
Richie: Well pin the sausage on the chicken.
Eddie: We haven't got a chicken.
Richie: Well pin the sausage on the fridge.
Eddie: Or a pin.
Richie: Sellotape a sausage to the fridge.
Eddie: We haven't got a sausage.
Richie: Put a bit of Sellotape on the fridge!
Eddie: Not much of game, is it?
"I'm as happy as a Frenchman who has just invented a pair of self-removing trousers."
Can we have an idea what sitcom these quotes are from please 🤔
“Hi mum it’s me, Colin”
”Your son”
”The Chinese one”
Ross from friends;
"mississippili?"
"you're over me?...when were you under me?"
"sure, that's how they measure trousers, IN PRISON!!!"
kryten in red dwarf;
"SMEEEGGGGG!"
If it's a girl they are going to call it Sigourney after some actress.
And if it's a boy they are going to call it Rodney. After Dave.
She wants us to go to Botswana.
What, Botswana in Africa?
No, Botswana upon Thames
posted in wrong thread
bikebouy - mine are from the Peep Show and Spaced.
<b>Red Sky:</b>
Jack: Carter? What just happened? (Sam looks up at the sky, confused)
Elrad: The Eye of Odin grows dim.
Sam: Some sort of shift in the light frequency.
Jack: Good. I thought I was having a stroke.
"O'Neill; two L's" *holds up three fingers*
That quote from Bottom ^^ is comedy genius!
Its hot, very hot, might be too hot...
Gary (talking about being dumped by Dorothy): “Do you know what hurts the most?”
Tony (half pissed, distractedly): “Yeah, getting you balls caught between two bricks, gotta be”.
The ‘It’s hot’ quote is a classic and very apt - have said that daily for the last month (much to the wife’s annoyance, who won’t play along 😢
You bring these things into our homes. They sit on our chairs. They watch our televisions. Now, I just need to know, on behalf of all men everywhere, I just need to ask, please... What are they for? I mean, look at them! Look at the chubby little bastards! Just sitting around everywhere! What are they, pets for chairs?
These pound-a-pair underpants, Barb, I've got fifty pence worth up my arrrse!!
(Essex accent) You've got two fackin chances - no chance and no fackin chance! Now I'm off for a poo.
"44444444" (Richie answering the phone in Bottom. I couldn't breathe. Not sure it works as a one-liner though!)
Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast.
Yes, well there was one [b]tiny[/b] flaw in the plan.
Really Sir, what was that?
It was [b]bollocks[/b].
(Blackadder Goes Forth, final episode. The context and delivery of it makes it - reading it without that is nowhere near as funny....)
Magna Carta! Magna Carrta! Did she die in vain?
That's the first time tonight I've known what he's got in his hand.
Not 1 line, but:
"That new boyfriend of hers... what's he like?"
"Massive knob."
"Has he?"
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<div class="">Nicko74</div>
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<div class="bbp-reply-content"><span style="font-size: 0.8rem;"> “Stop rocking the caravan, Geoffrey!”</span>
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Coupling was SO good!
"Oh Edmund, can it be true? That I hold here in my mortal hands a nugget of purest Green?"
"The secret ingredient is crime!"
Mark - "My god, you're not James Bond, you're disgusting!"
Jeremy -(thinks) "I am James Bond!"
And of course the immortal "Smell my cheese, you mother!"
“Nostalgia’s not what it used to be”
(Detectorists)
Darren: "It still smells of shit in here."
You should just get a van. With a van, it's like you've got an MBA, but you've also got a f***ing van. You're not just a man anymore - you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.
Unless we all conform, unless we follow our leaders blindly, there is no possible way we can remain free. ~Frank, M*A*S*H
“Did you use a set square? I think not.”
shortly followed by
“Oh my!”
I’ve got the keys to heaven, but I’ve got too many legs”
One of the very, very best! 😂
”Baldrick, your brain is an empty as a eunuchs underpants.” Blackadder.
”I’d go with Betty, but I’d be thinking about Wilma”. Red Dwarf.
”I’ll call it my lucky willy and show it to my grandchildren.” Blackadder.
”He had too many fights, got punchy see.”
“What happened to him?”
“Last I heard, he was doing very well in the prison service.”. Porridge.
“Love length” Phoenix Nights.
“Oh, I’m glad you would rather have sex with my mother than your own sister, Neil.” The Inbetweeners.
”Monkey tennis”. Alan Partridge.
"What kind of situation could possibly require the use of a remote controlled wheelchair and a pair of fake joke arms? Only, I imagine, a completely ludicrous one!"
also, I am totally incapable of walking through M&S without saying
"It's Ireland's biggest lingerie section, or so i'm told"
Women. You can’t live with ‘em... Pass the beer nuts.
"Mr. Flibble's very cross. You shouldn't have run away from him. What are we going to do with them, Mr. Flibble?"
[whispers]
"We can't possibly that!...
...Who'd clear up the mess?"
Woody: Would you like a beer Norm
Norm: Bit early isn't it?
Woody: For beer?
Norm: No, for stupid questions
"Beloved ****.
It's a typo, it's supposed to say beloved aunt."
Also from the same 'sitcom' - " **** you you carwash ****."
Diane Chambers: [after Diane has jumped off the sailboat and into the water] Sam, throw me a line, please.
Sam Malone: OK. "What's a nice girl like you doing in an ocean like this?"
From "Cheers" the proposal episode 1986
Band meeting
"Excuse me, has anyone got a bottle of Orange Juice?"
Covered in piss
Phoenix Nights
Not a sitcom ..but this line still gets me every time ..
Another one I repeat at regular occasions, since there's a field of shetland ponies near us:
'How far away are they?'
(Phoenix Nights)
‘“I have a cunning plan”
”Don’t tell him Pike”
”Lovely boy”
”My aunt Marion gave them to me for my 12th birthday. She thought if I failed at theoretical physics that I should have a trade to fall back on.”
You ahould be able to identify all four just from these lines. All classics. The last is very pertinent for me!
“I’m as happy as a Frenchman who has just invented a pair of self-removing trousers.”
Bleak Expectations.
The jerk store called.....
Steptoe and son.Father reading an old newspaper headline " King Zog flees " Son replies " That's nothing mate you've got king size fleas "
Hear You? I can see you!
(Phoenix nights)
+++++++++++
Is your little soldier not standing to attention?
He's standing to attention alright, he's just firing off all his ammunition before he goes into battle
(Early Doors)
You make love like a Chinese meal. Small portions but so many courses.
EDIT - for Cougar... So what is it?
Albert Steptoe, 'Just because a prune is wrinkled doesn't mean it isn't sweet.'
Rhesus?! They're monkeys, aren't they? How dare you! What are you implying? I didn't come here to be insulted by a legalised vampire!
"RAPE" ?!
- No, it's still Sugar Ape, it's just the S U G A are inside the R
One up there reminded me of another few
"I'm thinking of calling this Happy Hour Tommy"
"No, but I bet he helps them out when they're busy"
"I'll get it Tanya, otherwise they'll think we're in Notre Dame"
"I love circuses. Do you like circuses?"
“I've always thought white people were bad kissers and it's not their fault. It's just they've just got really small lips”.
(Chewing Gum. Is brill, watch it)
Not so much a line. but a piece of brilliance from Cheers...
WELL YA SEE, NORM, IT’S LIKE THIS… A HERD OF BUFFALO CAN ONLY MOVE AS FAST AS THE SLOWEST BUFFALO. AND WHEN THE HERD IS HUNTED, IT IS THE SLOWEST AND WEAKEST ONES AT THE BACK THAT ARE KILLED FIRST. THIS NATURAL SELECTION IS GOOD FOR THE HERD AS A WHOLE, BECAUSE THE GENERAL SPEED AND HEALTH OF THE WHOLE GROUP KEEPS IMPROVING BY THE REGULAR KILLING OF THE WEAKEST MEMBERS.IN MUCH THE SAME WAY, THE HUMAN BRAIN CAN ONLY OPERATE AS FAST AS THE SLOWEST BRAIN CELLS. EXCESSIVE INTAKE OF ALCOHOL, AS WE KNOW, KILLS BRAIN CELLS. BUT NATURALLY IT ATTACKS THE SLOWEST AND WEAKEST BRAIN CELLS FIRST. IN THIS WAY, REGULAR CONSUMPTION OF BEER ELIMINATES THE WEAKER BRAIN CELLS, MAKING THE BRAIN A FASTER AND MORE EFFICIENT MACHINE. THAT’S WHY YOU ALWAYS FEEL SMARTER AFTER A FEW BEERS.”
-Cliff Clavin
Put on your pants, put on your vest,
Everyone agree, string is best!
Does radio count?
A: "There you go, Skip, nice hot cup of coffee."
M: "It's cold!"
A: "Nice cup of coffee..."
M: "Eugh, it's horrible!"
A: "Cup of coffee..."
M: "I'm not even sure it is coffee!"
A: "Cup."
I've never seen one before. No-one has!
Does radio count?
It does if its Cabin Pressure - last two episodes repeated on 4Extra later this week, btw.
It does if its Cabin Pressure
In that case:
"Geeeeeet dressed you merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay! Today is christmas christmas christmas christmas christmas dayyy!"
Friends:
Monica - "Shut up, the camera adds ten pounds"
Chandler - "Oh, so how many cameras are on you?"
Not sure if Family Guy counts:
"I'm not meteorologist, but I do believe it be raining bitches"
Simpsons (likewise)
Homer: You can’t enjoy money when you’re dead so why not have fun now!!
Marge: Don’t you think you’ve had enough fun? Last year you spent $5,000 on donuts, $2,000 on scalp massages, $500 on body glitter.
Homer: Hey, I earned that money. While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I’m at work busting my hump.
Marge: Oh, please. From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around Googling your own name until lunch.
Homer: (gasping) Who told you that?
Marge: You shouted it while we were making love!
“If that’d been me, I’d’ve stayed in the tent, whacked Scott over the head with a frozen husky, and then eaten him.”
Leonard: What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed?
Leonard: There you go!
Not so much a line as a paragraph:
Where is everybody, Hol?
They're dead, Dave.
Who is?
Everybody, Dave.
What, Captain Hollister?
Everybody's dead, Dave.
What, Todhunter?
Everybody's dead, Dave.
What, Selby?
They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Peterson isn't, is he?
Everybody is dead, Dave.
Not Chen?
Gordon Bennett! Yes, Chen, everybody, everybody's dead, Dave!
Rimmer?
He's dead, Dave, everybody is dead, everybody is dead, Dave.
Wait. Are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
I wish I'd never let him out in the first place
Cliff (or possibly Norm): Women... can't live with them... pass the beer nuts.
"You do not need to kill the General, we have already arranged to kill the General... Do you not see? That if we kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the Gateau from the Chateau!"
Hacker: "Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers: The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country; The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country; The Times is read by the people who actually do run the country; The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country; The Financial Times is read by people who own the country; The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country; and The Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is."
That last from Yes Minister / Yes Prime Minister. It stands alone as a great (if long) "one-liner" but since I see so many others have subverted the thread premise, I'm going to follow up with the coda that made an already good gag a little bit better:
Sir Humphrey: Oh and Prime Minister, what about the people who read The Sun?
Bernard: Sun readers don't care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits.
And finally, apologies if I've missed it, seen lots of Red Dwarf but not spotted my favourite:
"...my own personal preference, which is "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." Erm, one drawback with that: the abbreviation is "CLITORIS." "
seen lots of Red Dwarf but not spotted my favourite
To be fair, you could probably quote half the script from Polymorph.
I say lets get out there and **** it.
edit: somewhat spoiled by the swear filter there.
Mate of mine once almost got thrown out of a restaurant for wearing a tee-shirt with that quote on it. Ended up having to eat with his shirt on inside-out.
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Mainwaring (pointing to a piece of graffiti scrawled on the back of the church organ:) “You see that word Jones, have you done that?”
”What, recently Captain Mainwaring?”
Great Boo’s up!
The Young Ones. Vivian’s head to the rest of his body walking down the railway :
You took your time, you b*****d
WOOF!
BAAH !
Aaaaahhhh!!, you have a womans hands.
So what is it?
Might have missed this, but Fawlty Towers, The Germans.
"Don't mention the war!"
"But you started it"
"No we didn't, you invaded Poland!"
I’m a self-facilitating media node!
its going to be totally ****ing Mexico!
AbFab (natch)
"Inside me there's a thin woman fighting to get out!"
"What, just the one, dear?"