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Quote it, no context allowed.
"I hear you're a racist now Father"
Closely followed by
"Are you sure sir? It does mean changing the bulb."
"What with these feet?"
Doesn't even need the line, just the image.
"Every shot so far"
Too many to choose from
I've lusted after [her] since I was eight.
You fancy eight year olds?
No, Neil. Our families are friends. We were both eight
So? You still fancied an eight year old.
Yes you did, you invaded Poland!
Don't tell him your name Pike!
"Well may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically..."
I'm a sucker for a mindless US sitcom.
"Some... not a lot"
and
"Got your back Jack, Bitches be crazy".
I hate you Butler.
“A pint? Why that's very nearly an armful!”
You know I can't understand Morse code! (Open all Hours)
Born free..... till somebody caught me. (Porridge)
"Charles, how come you never sweat?"
"In the first place, I do not sweat; I perspire. In the second place, I never perspire."
Again, too many!
"Oh god I'm bored. I might as well be listening to Genesis"
"With these feet?"
"Play it cool Trigger"
Goodnight Vienna
Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for ****ers.
POWER TO THE PEOPLE
I always used to like the mangled French, this one is the best
"It's not goodbye Raquelle, it's bonjour"
Father Ted is a gold mine - particularly “speed” with Pat Mustard:
You got me sacked and now I'm having to yank meself off around the clock because I haven't got any proper sex with girls.
From “To the Manor Born”
<div>On the subject of Audrey's Uncle Greville</div>
Marjory: "I suppose he's absolutely stinking rich."
Audrey: "Oh, absolutely stinking. He made a squalid million-"
Marjory: "Honestly?"
Audrey: "No one ever makes a million honestly! Then he squandered it on loose women, then he made another million or two: all very seedy."
Marjory: "Oh, I wish I could find a man who'd squander a million on me."
Audrey: "I said loose women, Marjory."
Marjory: "Oh, I could loosen up no end if the man was right!"
One of my all time favourite sitcoms
"He vanished...like an old, oak table."
"That's varnished."
Castle Howard
I'm sorry for your loss. Move on.
"I want to cover every inch of your gorgeous body in pepper, and then sneeze all over you."
"Careful now!"
"Ho" is a strong term. Right now, I'm somewhere between "anatomical sales associate" and "high maintenance girlfriend." Can't you be positive about my growth?
"If you ever take the piss out of Al Jolson again, I will take that I-Pod of yours out of its tiny nano-sheath, and push it up your cock."
"Come the **** in or **** the **** off"
"Why, round the Cape, the rain beats down so hard it makes your head bleed!"
<strong welsh accent> "Stop rocking the caravan, Geoffrey!"
"Tomato - Ted - aubergine - your - potato - wife's - turnip - dead"
Ze bed knobs arr flashing
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis...?
SACK ME! I AM THE BBC!
I ate your bees
"I have a cunning plan"
Good moaning. I was jus pissing by
"It's your cock up my arse"
(punctuation left out as per the way it was said)
This crack's a bit more-ish
Feet off the furniture you Oxbridge ****, you're not on a punt now!
You look like you just shat a lego garage
Standing on the landing may be a great song title, but to me it's just a tax loss.
This is like the Shawshank redemption only more crawling through shit and less redemption.
****ity bye.
Good Morning Job Seekers!
Feet off the furniture you Oxbridge ****, you’re not on a punt now!
Could just fill this thread with Tucker quotes
"What is this Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, ****?
Feet off the furniture you Oxbridge ****, you’re not on a punt now!
Could just fill this thread with Tucker quotes
"He’s useless. He’s absolutely useless. He’s as useless as a marzipan dildo.”
Double post forced me to add another
People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis, you can’t trust people, Jez.
You have a woman’s purse! I’ll wager that purse has never been used as a rowing-boat. I’ll wager it’s never had sixteen shipwrecked mariners tossing in it.”
<strong welsh accent> “Stop rocking the caravan, Geoffrey!”
On a similar vein, and also in a strong welsh accent, "I've got the keys to heaven, but I've got too many legs"
That's where yer wrong!
(Has become a saying in our house)
"Nose, vagina, butthole. If God didn’t want us to put our fingers in there, then why did she make them perfectly finger-sized?"
I'd forgotten that Terry and June was so edgy DezB.
"It's not an entrance, it's an exit."
I’d forgotten that Terry and June was so edgy DezB.
Oh yeah! I thought it was from Last of the Summer Wine 😆
Gold, Frankenstein, Grrrrr. And I'm a........!!!
If it failed to cling onto life, I fail to see why it would wish to cling onto your upper lip.
Women, you can't live with them..........
Pass the beernuts
Shit on it!
Very small / far away I think has transcended being a quote now.
Mark: [voiceover] A new boiler. Surely the least enjoyable way to spend £1000. At least throwing the money out of the window you'd see the scrabbling mass, the hate-filled faces. I have spent a cool grand on acquiring the resumption of an equitable temperature.
Jeremy: Yeah, too right, I'm freezing. Let's whack it up to 29.
Mark: 29 degrees, are you insane?
Jeremy: I don't actually want it to be 29, but you've got to give it something to aim for. It'll get hotter quicker.
Mark: No, it won't, it's either on or off. You set it, it achieves the correct temperature, it switches off.
Jeremy: Oh sure, you set it to 23, it'll be pootering along, "Oh yeah, 23, easy. Yeah, nearly there." Wouldn't you rather "F! 29? Christ, let's get cracking, gotta generate some serious heat!" Then when it hits 23, we're suddenly all like "Click. Sorry. Already there." And the boiler will be like "What the f?"
Mark: You want to try to trick the boiler?
Oh, that’s another good idea. You’re so clever today, you better
be careful your foot doesn’t fall off.
Does that happen when you have lots of brilliant ideas?
Your foot falls off?
It certainly does. My brother, he had this brilliant idea of
cutting his toenails with a scythe, and his foot fell off…
So what is it?
Don't think that quite stands up on it's own, Cougar. Erm, if you get my meaning.
Can you, like actually kill yourself using laxative pills?
Ooh, car friend!
Bus ****ers!
Bitty!
"It's short for Bob."
Im currently in the middle of an Archer binge.
"Just the tip?"
"Phrasing?"
"Lana! Lana! Lana!"
"Danger Zone!"
"You killed a black astronaut, Cyril! That’s like killing a unicorn!"
Archer: "Oh my God! You killed a hooker!"
Cyril: "Call girl! She was a..."
Archer: "No Cyril, when they're dead, they're just hookers!"
Alan: Michael’s in charge of our internet computer.
Michael: Aye. There’s nee porn no it!
"Do you know what hurts the most?"
"Getting your bollocks smashed between two bricks?"
Don’t think that quite stands up on it’s own, Cougar. Erm, if you get my meaning.
The thread is young.
“It’s your cock up my arse”
(punctuation left out as per the way it was said)
Glad I'm not the only one who remembers this (in context ;-))
Bludgeon my face in. Destroy me. Pull me apart like soft bread. Punch me in the...tits! Twist my head clean off and put me to sleep with your kind boots, Mr. Fancy Man
You ever drunk Bailey's from a shoe?
First one up the old sea dog gets a lick of the cat.
Dave can't bear the idea that Nessa and Smithy might have done "the stuff that we do". "I know we didn't do any of that stuff," whispers Nessa, darkly, "because I didn't have my bag, my tools, my cloak. And anyway there's no way he could take that level of … "
“I’m so glad we’re gonna have all the sex”
”You should be, I’m very bendy”
I took a woman out once, to see England play ****stan at Lords.
She said "Good heavens! The pitch is full of ****s! "
I said no no no no. No!
****s are from Africa. These people are wogs.
Wibble
I need to use you phone. If word gets out I am missing 500 girls will kill themselves
Woof!!!
Do you want some toast?
Ploppy son of ploppy
"My god it's a barren featureless landscape"
"Er, other side of the map Sir"
"Security is not a dirty word...."
Have you got any rizlas? I'm dying to skin-up.
"It's me! Hurrah!"
Sorry it's not "a line"
Eeeeeeagle
A man may fight for many things. His country, his principles, his friends. The glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally, I'd mud-wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock and a sack of French porn.