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Just venting really.
I’m being vague because I don’t really want to put the details out there on the internet,
There are some people who are close to me. I care about them and I know that they care about me.
However they keep on making decisions that are to my detriment.
They’re in a difficult situation, and there are reasons why they keep making these decisions, and I understand this.
It does result in me paying a price for someone else’s behaviour though.
Over the years I’ve come to terms with this, and the only way I can deal with it is by being the bigger person and letting it go. I’ve never lost my temper about it or anything like that.
The problem is that between times, they make a big deal of how important I am to them and that they’re standing up and doing the right thing. They also have used me a lot for support.
When it’s easy for them to do so, they can name the behaviour of the person involved and tell me how it’s wrong and that they stand up to them. In reality though, they’re only doing the bare minimum.
However, repeatedly when it comes to the crunch they’ll dodge the issue before inevitably coming down on the side of the status quo and letting me down.
It’s not so much the coming down on the other side that upsets me, as I’ve said I understand their reasons for doing so, and have told them repeatedly that I don’t blame them. It’s the dodging and avoiding talking to me about it before they do it which is so hurtful. I’m also not sure that they realise how damaging it is being.
It means that I’m finding out things about important events in their lives that they’ve kept quiet from me, and when I do I feel very left out. In fact the secrecy and lies by omission make me feel even more left out than the actual being left out of things. Especially when, between times, they make such a big thing of me being a part of their lives and how toxic they find the other person.
These people are very important to me, and I want to keep them as part of my life. It’s just that I’m getting tired of always being the bigger person when it always seems to work out to my detriment.
End of rant, I needed to get it down in writing because it’s keeping me awake chuntering about it in bed. There’s nothing really I can do about it at the moment as the people involved are going through their own very hard time at the moment, and it’s not the time for me to add to it.
Sounds tough. Having tried hard to help people in need in the past only to be taken advantage of I reckon it’s very hard to spot when you’re better of letting them support themselves.
I guess a crutch has a working load limit.
I guess a crutch has a working load limit.
Very true. Sometimes you have to let things go.
All can say is don't say anything too confrontational or drastic...
Sometimes things can be said in emotion /frustration which cannot later be unsaid.
Just put the situation at arms length if you can. and rethink when you are less emotional and more pragmatic.
Sometimes non action is the most powerful form of action, especially for yourself if somethings really bothering you and clouding your judgment, it's the worst time to make a decision.
Cut them loose.
These people are a net benefit to your life, yes or no? They've already binned you off.
If you're as important to them as you think then they'll come running. Bet you my bike that they don't. They're having you for a fool.
People just ain't no good
I think I understand, if not then I apologise - but what would worry me in that context is that over all the times you have
dealt with it by being the bigger person and letting it go. I’ve never lost my temper about it or anything like that
there might be a breaking limit - and one day you will lose your rag, or decide you've had enough and cut them loose and then it'll be destroyed because you didn't deal with it when you maybe should have done.
Tough situation to be in..
I repeatedly have to tell myself 2 key mantras..
“The only things I can truly change are my actions, and my reactions”
And
“I am not my brother’s keeper”…
I think, in part, the job role dictates who and how we are (or vice versa) but..you can’t ALWAYS be there for EVERYONE… if someone SAYS you are important, that kinda requires them to SHOW it.
It may need to come to a point they are challenged on their behaviour, or simply you avoid them or let them go..
People..meh….sigh..
DrP
Thanks for the replies.
They’re not someone I can or want to cut off from my life.
As mentioned I’m not sure that they’re aware of the impact of their behaviour, but also I’m not entirely sure how they’ll react to being told about it. In the past they’ve been really defensive. At the moment they’ve got a lot going on, so now isn’t the time.
I am going to say something at some point, because I do deserve better, and if I keep on sucking it up, then as you’ve pointed out it’s quite likely I’ll explode at some point.
Some people are radiators, some people are drains.
They won't change and no one is irreplaceable. Find new less draining folk to hang with
I feel your pain. Something similar happened last week to me. A bit easier as they were not especially close but people I increasingly liked. Not anymore, they are gone.
Everyone is selfish to a point. However I find it is when that selfishness is wielded to my direct detriment with no consideration of me that I cut loose.
I hear resentment from you OP, very understandable. You will explode or be eaten away at. Do you think they are capable of assimilating your feelings with their own?
Whilst I get this:
I’m being vague because I don’t really want to put the details out there on the internet,
For the sake of argument, could it be that your communication with them has actually been as unclear as this thread and actually they don't really know how you feel?
Not necessarily get rid completely (you've said you won't do that), but perhaps you could detach and distance yourself a bit. Be less available, less invested in them. See if they make more of an effort.
If you're desperate not to let go of them regardless of their behaviour, then you can just be a doormat and see how that works out for you.
Reads to me like they really don't give a shit about you and just use you for their convenience.
@thegeneralist I've not said much to them.
To clarify, it's my younger half brother. I don't want to give more details because he is having a very hard time at the moment, and he wouldn't want the details sharing, even on an anonymous internet forum.
One of my other two half sisters stopped returning my calls 12 years ago. There was no argument, she just stopped. The other one I have a good relationship with.
We all grew up in a toxic and abusive household. My father drove me away with his behaviour when my half siblings were in their teens and I was in my mid twenties.
It has reached the point where I have to say something, and choose my time to do so, because if I don't it is likely to build up into something more destructive and toxic. Apart from this, I have a reasonable relationship with him, and I'm not even sure that he's aware that he's doing it.
sounds rough although I would communicate with them - gentle chat or a letter - worst case you walk away and that doesn't really help anyone, and the status quo doesn't look healthy either. I'd have a chat in a 'I'm close to needing to get space and this why' type of chat - non-confrontational - sometimes you've got to put yourself first (especially when you've not been doing so for so long).
A
Go to your grave becoming ever more resentful of then
B
Tell them to sort their shit out, and let the chips fall where they may
I don't see other options.
They’re not someone I can or want to cut off from my life.
'Can' and 'want' are two different things. You may not want to and that's fine of course, but you absolutely can.
As mentioned I’m not sure that they’re aware of the impact of their behaviour, but also I’m not entirely sure how they’ll react to being told about it.
It strikes me that this is a "them" problem. You're tying yourself in knots over people whom you think would react badly to being told they're making you feel like shit?
I've said this many times on STW and elsewhere but it's something I was told once and has always stuck with me. "If you fall over, you're of no use to anyone else." Self-care has to be your #1 priority, as selfish as it may feel. The elephant in the room here is, it's actually selfish not to.
Something has to change, or you'll continue to have sleepless nights impotently shouting at clouds. And that, my friend, is very much a "you" problem.
As a divorced dad i find myself perpetually having to be the bigger person and sucking up a bit of crap in order to protect the environment my daughter is growing up in. I do it for her and its fine.
But i don't think id do it for anyone else.
Families in general are quite difficult, especially large fragmented ones. It sounds like you have a deeper need from your family thats not being met? If so, rather that hope that they will somehow start meeting that need, id suggest focusing on why that need is so important to you. And if possible, let it go.
Thank you all for your concern.
I can reassure you all, I've slept well since venting. I just needed to get it out of my head on Monday night so that I could get to sleep, which is what I did.
It's not that big a deal overall, it's just something that occasionally frustrates me. It is something that I'm mostly able to let go of, just occasionally I get a bit triggered and it takes a day or two processing to let it go again.
I will say something, but at the right time.