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I thought about creating a fake profile to post this, and to be honest I’m really only typing it as some kind of therapy or distraction and can’t guarantee I’ll ever read replies, so apologies if I don’t
I’ve had a good few rough years at home, 13 years probably, that I’ve been living for the light of my life, my only daughter. It’s a long story but my wife had other interests the whole time and it hasn’t been a marriage. A year ago it came to a head when she was found out with this other interest and it became public knowledge. At the time I asked her to find somewhere else to go and maybe since then didn’t press it as I knew her moving out also meant losing my wee girl. That was a year ago and I guess I had forgotten. Yesterday morning she woke me in my bed and said she had found a new house (with her other interest) and could I take my daughter away for the day as she was moving some furniture out and didn’t want questions to be asked, she said she would take the time to explain it all later and that I had to help sell the idea to my daughter. Maybe foolishly I went away for the day, my girl and I had a great time visiting abandoned places like we love doing. On the way home my wife organized with my daughter by text to meet her in town, I met them and wondering what was happening I kind of speaking in code asked if she was following me home to which she replied no, she had no need to. That was it, my goodbye to my daughter who was away from me and not even aware that she wouldn’t be coming home.
Don’t know why I’m telling this story really, I considered myself a strong character but had to walk through town to my van in tears, the house is silent now and work etc just doesn’t seem to matter any more.
feel for you mate.
we are going through a similar thing. daughter has split with grandsons dad, and they are both being dick heads about it.
i sat em down and told em to get to a family law solicitors and sort something out regarding who has my grandson when.
you need to do the same. sooner rather than later.
Hi,
With lack of anything else to say, I am really sorry to hear that you are going through this. Tough times dont last, tough people do.
Jeez that's a tough read. Please, please be kind to yourself, the strongest character in the world would be bowled over by that. It might take a while, but you can pick yourself up, you can still have a great relationship with your daughter and life can get better in future. Remember that. virtual man hug heading your way.
Arrrghhhh bugger. That sounds really rough.
I'm a divorced dad totally devoted to my daughter too. You will be 100% fine. You can and will continue to have a strong relationship with your daughter. Its just not under the same roof every night, that is all. I bet you even find that you can have a happier adult life without your wife too.
You can be an awesome dad without being stuck in a failing relationship.
But its gonna be rough for a bit, so stay strong and maintain perspective
There is a lot to sort out, keeping a roof over my head plus having some sort of dad left for my girl.
It’s hard to cope with the contrast of the excitement of a new home, new partner, new father figure and massively better resourced than I will ever be. While this house might have been my daughters home, it’s hard for it not to be an empty and a bit sad a house rather than a home.
Wow. That's a ****'s trick and no mistake.
Questions I'd be asking are "what are my rights?" and "what does the daughter think about all this?"
Sorry to hear you are suffering Daz, being strong enough to have emotions about the people that matter is a good thing, don't bottle it up or it will bite you later.
Just fight like hell to share care of your daughter, I'm a stepdad to two boys and their biological dad's efforts to keep in touch are underwhelming at best.
The biggest problem with rights is the huge bill attached to enforcing them, I inherited my land and built on it myself, unfortunately I’m a long long way short of being able to pay for a chunk more. To be honest that doesn’t even worry me. The worst thought ever was seeing my girl drive off totally unaware that she wasn’t coming home that night.
New father figure? You're her Dad and always will be, I'm sure she knows that. Your house will also be a safe and welcoming place she can visit and stay once the dust is settled, so it can be a home from home for her - try to keep hold of that.
I'd also be asking the daughter what she thinks about all this
The cruelty of all this, one thing that hurts, the other man was a friend of mine, back 13 years ago when he was caught he pleaded with me not to say anything because he would lose his kids. He had all that time with them and then at the first opportunity they take my daughter too.
It will be incredibly difficult to do what’s right for my daughter and make sure her new home is somewhere she is happy
You might need to try and get a free hour (?) with a family law solicitor, or even the CAB. Find out what your rights actually are.
My ex and i went directly to 50/50 and have stayed there since.
Shame you didn't take the opportunity to protect yourself and your daughter once you knew what was happening, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
How old is your daughter?
You need to be agreeing and formalising access as soon as possible. If that means lawyering up, so be it.
She is 12 and while I’ve no reason to believe I won’t get to see her, it’s still shit. I don’t know how my daughter is feeling right now, like me she didn’t like change, but they have the money to provide endless distractions
Strongly recommend finding a mediation organisation to help the next part of your journey.
E.g. Mediation First
Edit: removes the potential of lawyers to stir things up until you need to get legal words written. The mediators calm things down and work through the whole process, inc financials.
Where are you based Daz? One of the hive-mind needs to see you for a bike ride to a pub. If it's not too far from NG22 then let me get over this latest bout of covid and I'll go find the emergency tenner.
Oh man, that's really hard. Have you not had a discussion about when you will get to see your daughter? When I went through separation we had clearly defined when I would have the kids and I have them half of the week. But it was still incredibly hard going back to an empty house when they are at their mums. It still is on occasion and it's nearly been two years.
Did your daughter know this was happening? At 13 she should have a say in what is happening.
I stayed in the family home and the older two, I have three, drop in regularly when they are at their mum's, eldest daughter to grab clothes, son because the internet is better at mine :-). I'm fortunate that I'm on good terms with my ex. It took a while to get over the separation, but things do improve. I think my relationship with my kids is better now than it's ever been.
Doesn't make you any less strong for having feelings, nothing wrong with a cry now and again, in fact I've made a point to let my lad understand this as a counter balance to all the macho posturing that's online. You'll find your way, it sounds like you're finally out of a crap relationship and that can only be a good thing.
And keep posting on here for support, it helped me immensely.
Edit: You've posted more since I started responding, sounds awful, but you're her dad, not this other bloke.
Thanks folks, I’m in N Ireland, bikes are a huge part of my life as I have two side businesses in them and people calling fairly regularly. I’ll get out on my bike a ride soon, just too raw now. Unfortunately my daughter now lives half an hours drive away and I’m not sure where the house is
That sucks mate. really sorry to hear this.
Lots of good advice in the posts up there.
It’s hard to cope with the contrast of the excitement of a new home, new partner, new father figure and massively better resourced than I will ever be.
She will always, always love you more than the other person in your ex's life. No amount of money or distraction will ever be able to take that from you.
I can only imagine how raw and horrible it feels at the moment, and it maybe needs a day or two to settle, but, and it's a big but, in a tough-love style, you need to get some things sorted asap:
1) You say you're not sure where the house is - f__k that, you have every right to know where, like exactly where, your daughter lives. Ask your wife for that information, now.
2) 'No reason to believe you won't see her' - get it discussed and agreed in the next week. If you think that your relationship with your wife is such that a gentleman's/informal agreement will work, then fine, but get it discussed as soon as possible.
sorry to hear this.
From experiencing similar many moons ago, my only advice would be to apply for joint custody ASAP.
I never did and my ex used my daughter as leverage all the time. Not getting joint custody is still my biggest regret to date.
Otherwise, unless the ex is a piece of work, it will hopefully get better and at least your daughter is of an age where she might be able to understand the situation. My daughter was 4 at the time and coulndt comprehend what was happening. Lots of tears, lots of time (from both parties)
If your daughter doesn't already have one, time to get her a mobile phone.
Contact your ex and get an address ASAP, not sure I could cope with not knowing where the kids are, you need to know in case she needs you for anything.
Man, your ex sounds like she's living on a different planet.
but they have the money to provide endless distractions
They don't have enough money to provide a dad, and she's 12, she knows who dad is.
Sorry to hear that Daz. Was in a similiar situation 15 years ago and still remember coming home to a house stripped of all movable furniture and the silence because my two daughters were away with their mum. We agreed access rights pretty quickly without lawyers so id make that priority number 1. 15 years on, i still have a great relationship with my kids and i also have 2 step kids and we've formed a really tight *new* family. It will get better, may not seem it now, but it will.
ah man, that's a shit way for that to happen. I feel for both you and your daughter. No advice from here, just sympathy - lots of it
That sucks, for you and daughter. I have no advice, but I hope you get it sorted and get to spend many more happy hours with your daughter.
but they have the money to provide endless distractions
You can only paper over the cracks for so long.
Those shinny things wont provide a long term solution.
If your daughter doesn’t already have one, time to get her a mobile phone.
This ^^
If not, i'm sure she will have some other form of of social media you can communicate over?
Keep up the contact with your daughter, with the usual things you'd talk about.
As much as you want to do something immediate, resist and play the long game.
The more she grows up and becomes a teenager, the more she will want her freedom.
Just keep being that cool old dude, who she wants to hang out with.
Keep being her dad and things will work themselves out.
They don’t have enough money to provide a dad, and she’s 12, she knows who dad is.
Brilliant. That ^^ is spot on. I have nothing to add other than I am so sorry for you, and your daughter, Daz.
And that I know for sure that your daughter will have much happy time with her dad in the future, as you will with her.
She is 12 and while I’ve no reason to believe I won’t get to see her, it’s still shit. I don’t know how my daughter is feeling right now, like me she didn’t like change, but they have the money to provide endless distractions
Call her and ask her. That will mean more to your daughter than any fancy distractions. At 12 she'll know others who have gone through this. If you can keep it civil with your ex and avoid blaming her to your daughter there's a good chance you can get a strong relationship. If you leave her stewing and making up in her own head what you knew, and why, and whatever 12-year-old-girl spin she puts on what your ex says you may find its really hard to repair damage you never even caused. So my advice - call her, be honest, tell her you don't really know whats going to happen but shes the most important thing in your life and she can always come to you any time she wants. That matters. Dads are not great at communicating at the best of times.
As a dad to 3 daughters I feel your pain Daz. Even though mine are 21 & 23 I love it when they're around (most of the time). I'm sure it will work out for you but I can imagine it's tough right now.
Hang in there.
Get lawyered up.
Went through similar when my daughter was very young, (she’s now all grown up). Long story short, yes it was shit at the time, but that didn’t stop me having a wonderful relationship with my daughter and her having two loving parents and all of the extended family that goes with it.
So while it might not feel like it now, this doesn’t necessarily mean you’re relationship with your daughter need suffer long term.
that’s the fluff, brass tacks, get yourself organised. Get legal advice, I did. You need to know where you and your daughter stand (she will have a say in things). Best bit of advice when dealing with this is to always keep a clear position of wanting what’s best for your daughter, things can get emotional and kids can get used to hit back. Stay cool, your her Dad, even if she doesn’t say it, she’ll look to you for emotional stability.
finally, back to my original point, it doesn’t feel like it now, but things will be fine. Really
Jesus, that sounds unimaginably bad.
Just to clarify though, your daughter had no idea she wouldn't be coming home with you until she arrived at the other house?
Neither my daughter nor I knew she wouldn’t be coming home that evening. If I’d known that was the case I wouldn’t have agreed to meet there. I can think of no more awful way to say goodbye, for my daughters sake I acted normal and said see you later. Then walked off not knowing where she was going and when I’d see her again.
I couldn’t start a fuss there for her sake so I walked off and fell to pieces where she couldn’t see
Mate, that sounds absolutely awful. The first thing i would do is get proper legal advice and be prepared for a battle. The plus side is that you can move on in time. Life is too short for that nonsense. Be there for your daughter too, she'll need supporting.
Your ex wife sounds like a right cow for the record.
Ring your daughter ASAP to check she's OK, reassure her thst you will be OK, and that you will always be there for her.
And get advice ASAP to protect your rights to your daughter and your share of the assets.
fella,
thats a horrible thing to happen, its a horrible thing your ex has done and I completely get that you are pretty much in shock right now.
I'm going to echo the tough love sentiment from IHN
you need to know where your daughter is. You need to get at least an address really really soon. Please, this is a priority
"no reason to believe you wont get to see her" Mate, you don't know where your daughter is.... Whilst I'm sure that in the future access will be agreed, when in the future? "oh we'll sort it next week/month/year"
I'm afraid I think you need real, proper advice from a family lawyer.
Keep posting on here, keep ranting, random thoughts, whatever the help that can be found within the digital walls of this forum is amazing but for now you need to take a deep breath and get some basics sorted as soon as possible
good luck
That’s a massive dick move by your ex. To just take your kid without any discussion with you or your daughter. Get in touch with your daughter as soon as possible and then seek legal advice.
Ring your daughter ASAP to check she’s OK, reassure her thst you will be OK, and that you will always be there for her.
This, so much this. Make sure she is as okay as can be expected (she really isn't going to be having a nice time of it - it is going to be every bit as strange for her as it is for you, perhaps more so as she is in a strange new place) but I agree that you need to reassure her that you are going to be okay too. Kids can act like they don't really care and are invincible, but they do and you need to assure her that you are going to be strong enough for both of you.
Divorced dad of two here. My situation was different in that my ex and I knew about the day I was leaving. I was leaving so that she could have my job and the house that came with it for our kids. I can still see my then 4 year old son running after my sisters car as she drove me away.
That nearly broke me, but I can say now 28 years later I see my kids regularly and even chat on FB with my ex. It's tough really tough at first but over time you learn to cope. Just keep going putting one foot in front of the other. Get access sorted and keep communicating with your daughter and your ex. You will always be your daughters dad. Always no matter what!
Good luck pal
Ahh mate. Nothing useful to really add. Just wanted to chip in with wishing you all the best. One day at a time.
happened to me some 15 years ago, though my ex went back to Germany with my daughter. If I can offer one bit of advise no matter how you feel, keep it amicable, it makes things so much easier. The bonus now is you can say what you want to say as regards decisions effecting your daughter etc as you don't share a house and put up with atmospheres. I only see my daughter on average about once a year, was there for her 18th in December, but have a good long distance relationship via WhatsApp etc, which is better than nothing. I know what you mean by the empty silence of the house, it'll pass and your life has changed but good things will come from it. I am re-married and have a 9 year old son and life is good. Good luck to you, avoid the alcohol, (I didn't), look to the future, things have changed but that can be a good thing. Feel free to message if you like
Well done for remaining calm and thinking practical. You've given your now ex no reason whatsoever to be difficult about seeing you daughter or arranging a week on week off arrangement if that is practical with schools, jobs etc.. You might find you get a life.
Be the best dad you can be, communicate, never say no without a valid reason
Like many others I've been through similar, in my case during the first covid lockdown.
Legal advice is there if you need it (luckily I didn't), as others have said no matter how bad it gets keep it as amicable as possible, maintain dignity and stay rational. It will all be in your favour in the long run.
You will never be replaced as your daughter's Dad. My ex recently moved in with her new partner and with my daughter. I was terrified my daughter would have no need for our relationship and questioned what I could offer her. After the novelty wore off we're probably getting on better than ever, in fact shes always hassling her mum to come and see me.
As hard as its going to feel now keep doing the stuff you enjoy when you can bikes/outdoor/hobbies, see friends family and keep talking. You need to look after yourself and give yourself time to adjust too. All the stuff people told me sounded like cliche but all turned out to be right.
Sorry to read this. Without being clinical, agree with the others advising you go down the legal route ASAP.
A very good friend had a messy split from his wife, I helped him move out on the day while his (now ex) father in law monitored our every move and I felt sick to the pit of my stomach. He's sadly needed to call on that legal agreement several times so it's been a good thing it's in place.
Thats absolutely brutal. What an awful way for the wife to go about things - hope thats not the sign of things to come but you know her better than most. I went through something similar (although not the final day like your was - was still the hardest thing i have ever had to do, tell my daughter her parents were splitting up) with my now 10 year old daughter 3 years ago - never went through solicitors and the arrangements have changed a lot over the 3 years, just trying to take everyones feelings into consideration. We are trying to keep it as informal as possible and it seems to be working at the moment, but thats because me and the ex have an Ok relationship.
As others have said, get her a phone asap, what kept me going on the nights I did not have her were nightly facetimes - not the same as her being next to me but could see her little face and have some decent interaction. I think also the fact she knew she could get in touch with me at anytime, and vice versa, was a huge comfort to us both.
i try and view the nights I do not have her as some unexpected free time, try and use it wisely, do things you always wanted to but time was never there, go on more bike rides, watch films you never had a chance to, read books you always wanted to etc ect, make the time count (I didnt the first few months, I just drank and watched football)!
To finish, I think you just need to promise yourself that you will always be there for her, and to tell her that as well. And that time does indeed make things more bearable.
Open to PM if you ever need unloading...
Best of luck going forward
What a prick.
I'm not that proper close but closish as I'm near Stranraer if your ever over on the boat! Will treat you to a pint.
Daz, hope you’re ok. Really dickish move. Wonder if your wife had taken into consideration other peoples feelings.
I’m currently going through very similar, I’m 18 months ahead of you. Won’t bore you with my details, but if you have the money, get to a solicitor asap. As much as it hurts now, time will heal and life will get better.
Great to see the forum being it's fantastic supportive self when it's needed.
Maybe talk to your daughter about what she wants, who she wants to live with? She’s old enough to know her own mind.
Holy moly. Virtual hugs man! Can't begin to think how that must feel. I'm sure you and your daughter will have lots and lots of good times ahead though. Fingers crossed for you
Hey man, wishing you and your daughter well. Similar thing happening in my family and we and a call with a solicitor today. They recommended a mediator as first step to agree ground rules. If you agree things and if required this can be written up into a legal document. Highly recommend a free 30 minute consultation with a solicitor who can explain options. I know that's likely the last thing on your mind right now but independent help getting things organised so they are fair can really help. Good luck and hope things get better soon.
Thank you all for your replies, I really do appreciate it. It’s really difficult I must admit, I had a little contact with my daughter today but it really hurt. She would spend all day on her phone apps if I let her so she has to request more time, she wanted time on Amazon to buy nice things for her new room as she put it. It was really difficult to try to be strong and graceful about that and just left me a mess again afterwards.
I guess things will get better but it’s hard to see how, I suppose I have to be thankful that I had those 12 years, if I handnt turned a blind eye I wouldn’t have had that.
Thank you everyone
I feel for you Daz. Was in the same situation. Feels rough for a while but you're always her Dad, and the bond stays. I have a great relationship with my (now 14) only daughter (only child). Her time with me is stress free and relaxed, kind of a break from the weekly routine with her Mum. Sometimes we'll have a day doing nothing, sometimes go out for the day. Make your time with her work. Kids do bounce back and better happy Mum & Dad than arguments at home. Best wishes, Chris.
Daz, I don’t know what to add that hasn’t been said better by members posting above - but this is an awful thing for you to go through.
Jay
Terrible situation and I’m really sorry you’re having to go through it Daz. Lots of good advice already about getting ground rules etc in place. I would add another perspective - I’ve been through this as the 12 year old and sat here 39 years later I still want to cry when I think about it. My parents split was horrific - violence, nastiness, accusations, you name it, so seriously well done for being brave enough to just walk away without a fuss on the night. It sounds like you are doing just that, but please put everything aside and focus on your daughter and your relationship with her. She needs you to be you, if you start allowing yourself to become bitter, jealous, etc that will be visible to her. Whatever you and your wife do now, good or bad, will affect her emotionally for the rest of her life.
new father figure
My parents split when I was 10 years old. Mum met my now step dad pretty qucikly. I remember my Mum asking if I wanted to call him Dad. It was a strong no, didn't need anytime to consider that. Step dad, he was fine, a nice guy, but NEVER a new Dad. Their split was messy, but I always admired and loved my Dad. And always looked forward to Friday nights with great anticipation when we went to sleep at his flat.
Dad was totally skint too, lived off beans on toast etc. But we did cheap stuff; went on our bikes too the woods, and fishing, and camping etc. Memories that stuck with me for life. At 42, those are the things I do with my kids, and my Dad loves that he planted those seeds.
You are her Dad, you are irreplaceable.
Thanks everyone for every word, have to admit reading this all has brought many tears. I stood strong all my daughters life and never let her see fights or weakness, I know it was less than ideal but I hope I’ve given her some kind of start in life, even though it wasn’t the upbringing I wanted for her.
I guess it’s only now that I realise I was giving all my strength just to stand still, now that she isn’t there with me I know that her little light was carrying me as much as I was caring for her
I guess things will get better but it’s hard to see how, I suppose I have to be thankful that I had those 12 years, if I handnt turned a blind eye I wouldn’t have had that.
Hang on, wait?
She'll be back next week. and then every other week for the next few years... you've got loads more years to have with her yet.
Find your nearest citizens advice type office now, don't dick about.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/northern-ireland/