[Closed] Avoiding death

No you just deferred the inevitable, at some point when you least expect it and have long forgotten you will be reminded...

Pretty sure your chances of death are still 100%. Evidence-based estimate.

Pretty sure your chances of death are still 100%.

I said my partner was wearing big bum shorts once, I thought I had got away with it too. I didn't.

I referred to my girlfriend as "your royal ampleness", I was swiftly killed and I send this post from beyond the grave.

I'm awaiting death in the next hour or so.
I nipped out for a half hour on the road bike this morning, promising that I'd be back to go to the in laws for lunch.

Two and a bit hours later I returned to an empty house. 😯

I am in the shit aren't I?

I am in the shit aren't I?

Yes you are. Care to rewrite your will and leave me your bike???

Clean the house or something... Or sack it off and go to the pub!

I am in the shit aren't I?

Yes you are.

I would suggest sandpapering legs, arse and arm, then claim you were involved in a nasty accident. Gotta be less painful in the short term

Pretty sure your chances of death are still 100%.

Theres a theory that the first person who could live forever has already been born - that is to say that over time human life expectancy has increased and the rate at which life extending treatments and discoveries are being made is also increasing. Which means that within the expected lifespan of someone alive today further advancements can expected to be made that would further increase life expectancy, and within that extended lifespan further age defying and illness abating advancements will be made, each more rapidly and more effective, and so on and so on ad infinitum for ever and ever into immortality.... or until that person dents a wooden worktop.

Two and a bit hours later I returned to an empty house.

If you snap your frame in two and say you were knocked off your bike you might get away with it. Maybe.

I would suggest sandpapering legs, arse and arm, then claim you were involved in a nasty accident. Gotta be less painful in the short term

Turn it right round on her - say you called her from A&E, she didn't answer, then act all huffy.

If you snap your frame in two and say you were knocked off your bike you might get away with it

I love the thinking, get away with death and have an excuse for a new bike win , win, just use an old frame!

Two and a bit hours later I returned to an empty house.

Make the most of it then and go back out!

Theres a theory that the first person who could live forever has already been born

[img] [/img]

Turn it right round on her - say you called her from A&E, she didn't answer, then act all huffy.

This, but insist that it is not a problem that she abandoned you in your hour of need.

I'm awaiting death in the next hour or so.
I nipped out for a half hour on the road bike this morning, promising that I'd be back to go to the in laws for lunch.

Two and a bit hours later I returned to an empty house.

I am in the shit aren't I?

Very similar. I ended up doing 83 miles, to find out she taken the kids to see their cousins. I have however, cleaned the bathroom.

Whereas I've sat on my backside and watched the Tour.I'm now watching Tennis. I don't even like Tennis.

I've started dinner though 😐

I've started dinner though

For one?

[img] [/img]

😀

Edit: bugger!

She's back!!!!

Bearing in mind what she does for a living... Goodbye.

Bregante? Bregante?

Harry_the_Spider - Member
Bearing in mind what she does for a living... Goodbye.

POSTED 5 MINUTES AGO # REPORT-POST

Eh, Mr and Mrs Smith?

Save your words, he's gone.

#prayforbregante

There was a man called Bregante
Who returned late from a ride, quite panty
When the house was deserted
Of suicide he flirted
But instead plied the wife with chianti

nah.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bang, bang, bang, bang.

Bang.

There once was a man called Bregante
Whose wife was alarmingly ranty
Headed off for a ride
Brushing in-laws aside
He'd prefer to be caught in flagrante.

[img] [/img]

Bregante, currently:

[img] [/img]

[img] [/img]

Any word?

😆

But instead plied the wife with chianti

Prosecco actually.

Dinner cooked (and eaten in silence - I pretended not to notice)

All I have to do now is....

[list][*]The washing up [/*]
[*]Reduce the ironing mountain to point where small children won't be instantly killed if it falls over[/*]
[*] Clean her car [/*]
[*] Take the kids to the park [/*]
[*] Let her watch whatever she wants tonight on TV[/*][/list]

I reckon I got off pretty lightly considering. She's even brought me a piece of chocolate cake.

Edit: it's the cake isn't it. She's poisoned the bloody cake....

[img] [/img]

1. Exploding iron
2. Electrically connected car
3. Sniper in the park
4. Kato hiding behind the TV
5. Choc cake laced with iriposium no5

#stw roulette. I'm putting £10 on No 2

1-4 completed safely.
(Well, dishwasher loaded, kids taken to the park and I've promised to do her car tomorrow as she's in that London - and I couldn't give a toss about Sunday night telly)

Soooo....
[img] [/img]

I know it's risky but... It's homemade by the mum in law who despite her many faults, makes a lovely cake.

IT'S THE GLYPHOSATE-CLEANED FORK!!

[img] [/img]

Maybe last night in Alicante outer Town I nodded No when asked if I was English
By a Morrocon looking young man

Reduce the ironing mountain to point where small children won't be instantly killed if it falls over

Probably where you'll find your trizers.
Do them first!

[quote=Bregante ]I know it's risky but... It's homemade by the mum in law who despite her many faults, makes a lovely cake.

Offer half to your other half. Win win.

Is Bregante still alive?

oh dear 🙁
[img] https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/rvsYg50ZYgxGCWUh4pMcKKYbTIvpDEwfw4y8NdNzpwVm=w370-h391-no [/img]

So just to be clear. Getting yourself into trouble will result in death or a fate worserer!

Therefore, on the basis that once you're doomed there will be no recovery or forgiveness. The only path to take is ahead of you, ie, more of the same.
So, go straight to the pub!

Nice work Sharkbait 😀

I may also be on the hit - list:
My wife turned to me on the weekend and said she was worried she was getting a bit of a belly. I don't like lying to her so said. "yes, you are, but if you go to the gym or go running more you'll loose it soon enough."

Apparently the honesty bit of having a healthy relationship should be taken with a pinch of salt 😕

Now that we are over Bregante’s unfortunate cake based demise I was so pleased this morning with my own work top repair based escape from the jaws of a [s]violent and messy death[/s] bollocking that I very nearly said something to the Wife along the lines of [i]“Look…look! I dropped something really heavy and pointy right there yesterday… [b]RIGHT THERE[/b] and I managed to sort it out without you noticing. You didn’t even ask why I was pouring boiling water from the kettle directly onto the work top… [b]YOU DIDN’T EVEN ASK[/b]. The big dent that you didn’t know about has gone because I’m soooo bloody fantastic and clever. [b][u]Ha![/u][/b]”[/i]

Luckily I managed to stop myself.

A bloke would understand and even marvel at my awesomeness. My wife wouldn’t.

Ferrals... steer clear of the home made cake for a while.

I would suggest sandpapering legs, arse and arm, then claim you were involved in a nasty accident.

Harry_the_Spider - Member

Ferrals... steer clear of the home made cake for a while.

She went out to buy cake making ingredients yesterday 😯 😯

you can escape to europe with just a photo driving license right?

[quote=Harry_the_Spider ]Ferrals... steer clear of the home made cake for a while.

It sounds like his wife needs to steer clear of it (I'm safe, I don't know his wife).

Just seen sharkbaits post. Excellent 😆

Regards

Bregantes [s]wife[/s] widow.

PS Bikes for sale: A black one and a white one.

email in profile. £150 each (at least that's what he said he'd paid)