[Closed] Autistic son - parents in law ahhhhhh

How do you cope with family that refuse to change or listen ?

It's up to your wife how you cope.

If it were your parents you'd choose.

You just grin and bear it.

That's how families work.

As a counterpoint to the above - some relationships aren’t worth it, doesn’t matter if they happen to be family. Life’s too short.

You don't mention your sons age or how long he's had a diagnosis ?
But in any case at 85 you probably won't change your FIL's mind about anything. And really does it matter what one person thinks !!

You just grin and bear it.

That’s how families work.

This as well.

At 85 you have to be very surprised if any of what they say makes sense.

As above, it's your wife's problem not yours. You however get to veto any significant interaction using the 'it would be better if I stay away to avoid conflict' clause.

I'm with @funkmasterp here I'm afraid.

How did they vote in the referendum? (-:

Life is too short to care or spend time with toxic people. From the other point of view they must be disappointed that their grandson is "not right" ( their point of view?) and could well be in denial. Don't be angry with them - feel sorry for them and their inability to understand

Forget about them. Tell your wife how you feel. Enjoy your trip away

Yup I think there is a generation of folk who think science and medical professionals are to be avoided as some hocus pocus nonsense.
I had the same reception from my parents when I was diagnosed with cancer FFS. Extraordinarily ignorant and unhelpful so focus on what you need to do to support your son.

You just grin and bear it.

That’s how families work.

This.

You smile, say something non-committal that could be mistaken for agreeing and then change the subject.

You also have a vast amount of scope for "Sorry, I hoped to be coming with my wife but this household emergency has cropped up that requires me to be elsewhere.".

I had the same reception from my parents when I was diagnosed with cancer FFS.

That's hardcore parenting! (Assuming they've stuck to it and weren't just in denial when you initially told them.)

We've sort of been there with my youngest.

He's defo on the spectrum, we have Educational Support Plan (I think that's what it's called),etc.
And yet we get "nothing wrong with him, just a kid, etc etc from the Wife's parents (we have 2 sets as they are divorced)

The wife generally gives them an earful and i tell them that they don't know what they are talking about and explain to them in words of one syllable why they are full of s***. Seems to generally move the subject onto something less argumentative like Brexit.

In summary, don't be afraid to fight your corner, what are they going to do disown you?

The GF and I took in my nephew with similar problems last year. We put our whole life on hold (the new house build, jobs etc) to give him 2 years to get his A-levels and off to uni. We were planning to take him on a trip to the USA this year so he could get a taste of it.

I was firm with him bit nothing even up to what I have seen discussed as normal on here but previously the family had been afraid to go up against him at all. We went away and left my mum here with him and when we came back he had ordered loads of beer and vodka from Amazon and she had let him keep it.

Eventually it all went pear shaped. The school didn't exactly help and nor did my head injury during the year (but I tried very hard to not show the problems I was having in front of him).

We had a policy of being very open and time after time we showed he could talk to us about anything.

In the end it all went pear shaped. Everyone going behind our backs, no one talking to us about stuff to sort out problems. In the end we couldnt cope and he left. in the fall out I had to tell mum that I never wanted to hear from her or any of her side of the family ever again.

This Christmas we just have my Dad over and present buying will be a lot simpler. Going to be quite nice.

“nothing wrong with him, just a kid, etc"

My wife works in special needs education - it often takes parents years to reach the point where they'll accept a diagnosis and also that the diagnosis means that their child will not necessarily develop or learn in the ways that they had expected.

For grandparents not living with a child day to day it's probably doubly difficult sometimes to understand what ASD means for how a child is, what the impact on their perception of the world is and how that impacts their relationship with the grandparent.

I stand by my previous post but also, try and educate them and also understand that they, like you, probably had expectations and whilst everyone loves your boy he's not what they have spent 80+ years learning to expect and change at 80 is not easy.

My parents used to be a bit like that about our daughter, but after spending more time with her and seeing some of her meltdowns they've fully accepted it now.

Can your lad be a handful? Maybe leave him with them for a week and see if they change their mind?

I'm not of the "leave it up to your wife" school of thought. My wife would have been very upset if I'd asked her to humour my parents' naivety on the subject and you shouldn't be expected to pretend you're not upset or offended just to keep the peace. You can teach an old dog new tricks.

PS. Nothing wrong with a bit of grumble for a healthy young lad, but don't overdo it.

How do I cope with family that refuse to change or listen?
I shun em. Avoid em. I cross to the other side of the road and they quickly get the message I want nothing to do with them.
It works wonders for me, but it would be different if it's MiL/FiLs I guess.
People think if they give it one more year, they will change, but they won't.

I should also note - this strategy also works for non-family members.

Nothing wrong with a bit of grumble for a healthy young lad

I wish someone had explained that to my mum when she found my stash 😁

As a counterpoint to the above – some relationships aren’t worth it, doesn’t matter if they happen to be family. Life’s too short

This. After receiving a text asking what presents should be bought for our kids and btw, can we wrap them after they’ve been sent, my resulting “thanks but no thanks” was met with a “You don’t care about your fathers death” and “your brother is under the impression you blame him for walking out on his wife and and family whilst having an affair”

Happy Christmas I said, we are having ours on our own.

Btw, complaining that life is hard (it is btw, in varying degrees for everyone) and then in the very next sentence adding a short holiday in an Audi S4 probably didn’t elaborate the post as well as it could.

Life being hard isn’t always about money though, is it?

After receiving a text asking what presents should be bought for our kids and btw, can we wrap them after they’ve been sent, my resulting “thanks but no thanks”

That's exactly how we manage presents in our family, works a treat. I hate wrapping presents as much as the next man but if I really couldn't face wrapping Grandma's presents to my kids I'd just hand them over unwrapped, or in the box they arrived in. My kids get more presents than is healthy (I suspect many kids in the 1st world do) but I still wouldn't feel comfortable turning down gifts from other family members on their behalf.

Mate I hear ya. In laws do not listen. Mine come out to Oz for 6 months of the year and the FIL especially is a sugar addict, and likes to "treat" the kids with ice creams, biscuits, lollies which I think is more to feed his sugar habit than anything else. I wouldn't mind him "spoiling" them with treats if they were here for 2 weeks but it's 6 bloody months. Then me and the wife get to deal with the sugar crashes and moods when they've gone for the day. I get home and see all manner of sugary badness in the pantry. I just throw it away but man... Annoying.

Answering a few questions

My son is 9.5 yrs old and is completely manic in every aspect, he’s on medication for his ADHD not something we wanted to do.
He sleeps about 5 hrs a night and due to anxiety it means one of us is awake with him - this is daily and has been for years.

In answer to why I said I was taking the S4 it feels like the only bit of me left,almost every other aspect of my life is taken up around work and family. It’s not about money or what I own - so apologies to anyone that couldn’t see through that.

That’s exactly how we manage presents in our family, works a treat. I hate wrapping presents as much as the next man but if I really couldn’t face wrapping Grandma’s presents to my kids I’d just hand them over unwrapped, or in the box they arrived in. My kids get more presents than is healthy (I suspect many kids in the 1st world do) but I still wouldn’t feel comfortable turning down gifts from other family members on their behalf.

Well I may have a different family dynamic, YMMV. However, in my world if they can't be arsed to think for themselves and put an effort in to wrap a present, its a token gift at best.

Well I may have a different family dynamic, YMMV. However, in my world if they can’t be arsed to think for themselves and put an effort in to wrap a present, its a token gift at best.

Your parent and your kids don't need to lose out because of something 'in your world'. If presents arrived your kids would be happy, your mum would be happy. The only problem would be that a few of their presents would be in boxes rather than wrapped in coloured paper. Everyone happy at zero effort for you. "In my world" that's a result.

In answer to why I said I was taking the S4 it feels like the only bit of me left,almost every other aspect of my life is taken up around work and family. It’s not about money or what I own – so apologies to anyone that couldn’t see through that.

I didn't write my para well. My point is, as a parent to multiple children and with the burden of work / life balance its hard - you aren't unique, we all struggle to some degree. Assuming that life will be easy, fair and they'll never be an issue is a road to anxiety. Accept what you have and what there is, and deal with the challenges as the come without the negativity of "oh no not this..." Its hard to do. I often catch myself falling into a pit of despair (yesterday in fact) only to catch myself and remind myself that its "just another challenge" - deep breath, carry on. Don't fall into the self blame, critique, why me, prophesising the worst etc way of thinking. Its not easy to do that, but but really does help.

Many people will want to offload their ignorance, misunderstanding and argument onto you, either deliberately or not. The trick is to not fall foul into a whirlpool of other peoples perceived issues. My CBT councillor gave me the following exercise to use, which helps me;

Q) You and two more senior others from your work are having a coffee together. The conversation falls int an awkward silence. Who is at fault?

A1) The anxious person will blame themselves. Its my fault; I didn't know what to say; I felt uncomfortable; I didn't know what was wrong or right to do next; I spend the rest of the day disappointed in myself

A2) There are three people at the table. Anyone of those people could have filled the gap. You are not alone alone in the responsibility to do so, it is not your fault. Walk away from the table feeling happy you did what you could. and you are at fault for anything.

See the difference? You are not responsible for other peoples perception or contribution.

Your parent and your kids don’t need to lose out

The aren't losing out, trust me. The people I'm referring to have made no effort in years to see or ask about them, it is not my responsibility to fill that gap for others and paint a picture of them which does not exist.

They have a loving family in us and my wifes side. They don't need me to build myths of someone they barely know.

I think I get it from his POV in some ways, there's def a generation of just getting on with it, not to complain or make a fuss, and a quite puritanical attitude towards 'attention' or being 'difficult'. I got this from my parents when our lad was different, I'm not sure either of them really got it - despite my dad being a bit odd in his own way. Maybe too much to face up to? For balance our lad did get a diagnosis, which helped a lot, got decent support and continues to do so, and is part way through degree course at university and getting through things with support and understanding - and a decent amount of self awareness.

enjoy your break away!

AS someone with mental parents and a long suffering wife, I see it from your partners point of view. As much as you might want to appease your significant other, there's something there that pulls you back from wanting to make a break from unreasonable parents and stops you from doing it for good.

Time away with your Audi.......and the family, will do you all good, try to sepnd no time whatsoever discussing "The Mentals" , it's a trap me and missus Boba (see, I didn't call her Fatt) fall into time after time and just sours whatever we're doing.

Next time it comes up, perhaps a polite (easier said than done) "times have changed and we're just doing what we think is best" comment would be in order, harder I know (god help me do I know) but getting into a shouting match stresses you out way more than it'll ever stress out that pair

for the record obviously the Audi is not that important to me - sound like a right saddo !

If the Audi gives you and your son some pleasure, why TF not? Get your pleasure where and when you can.