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“you must be autistic, why do you understand me, I can’t understand you, why don’t you see these things which need doing”
I take it she means house chores, I thought that's why I might be bad at them - turns out I'm just a dick.
I do the chores now.
I’ve done a load of psychometric tests through work; Myers Briggs, red/yellow/green/blue, strength finder etc.
Careful about going down this route, if you're an extrovert you could just be a good old fashioned sociopath. As Nietzsche said "If thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into you" - don't do it dude you might wake up and realise the rhythm of your soul is the drum beat to Sympathy for the Devil. Just be content thinking of yourself as a run of the mill bellend and try to improve that.
That means a diagnosis is helpful – it would tell me to stop beating myself up for being an asshole because it’s not my fault and it’s a neurological issue. It’s still an issue, don’t get me wrong but it makes it ok to find another way to solve it. If I’m not ASC then I am an asshole and need to work on more traditional things to stop being an asshole. Like listen to people more, think about myself less etc. If I am ASC then listening isn’t going to fix it, so looking for patterns in social cues or doing more research into the subject will help.
The first step in overcoming being an asshole is accepting yourself as being an asshole - no need to beat yourself up about it. Awareness is the first step.
Luckily my missus likes assholes anyway.
@oakleymuppet - it is perfectly plausible that I am too simply a dick. In the way others described, this could simply be an effort at finding an excuse. Either way, researching ASC gives me new ways to try to stop being a dick. Even if I don’t have AS but if the solutions that work for AS people work for me, then it doesn’t really matter about the formal diagnosis, right? If strategies make me less of a dick (actual or perceived) then that’s a win.
Also, the psycho tests are administered through jobs. I was lucky enough to receive a lot of management training over the years which have forced introspection. I’m not going out looking for tests, I just have done a lot in the past. I’ve also studied management in some detail which has helped understand people quite a lot. People work when they are engaged. Read Maslow hierarchy of needs. Provide people the things they value from an engagement survey (Gallup 12Q etc) and meet Maslow’s hierarchy and people will perform better. I don’t need to understand people, I just need to know that if someone says “I’m not happy with my job” I say “why” and try to make the answer fit a category. Deliver for them against that need and they do better. It’s very binary but works well with large groups (team meeting feedback session), less so 121.
How will you feel if you find out you're actually a sociopath, are you prepared for that?
I feel like I love my missus and kids and it hurts when they are angry at me. For now that sufficient for me to believe (rightly or wrongly) I’m not a sociopath. I’m not prepared for any form or diagnosis really, so I’ll no go
Looking for one.
That said, it doesn’t matter. If the things I do are dick moves and I want to be less of a dick, then whatever strategies are out there I’ll try. Whether they be for sociopathy or something else. I just want to stop feeling like a dick and want to stop treating others as though I would if I were/am a dick.
Sounds like a good outlook, but as Cougar pointed out - you also have to work on this so you are happy with you as well.
Just don't let whatever you do, blow this up into a spell of depression. A good friend of mine is a headshrinker, there are apparently times in your life when it's appropriate to have a period of introspection and times when it isn't appropriate where it can worsen someone's mental health. You sound like you are a bit depressed to me as the language you are using is fairly emotive and if that is the case, you should try working on that first - you need to feel more relaxed before taking a look at yourself in a deeper way first. Of course, do this whilst tying to be a better person.
“The first step in overcoming being an asshole is accepting yourself as being an asshole – no need to beat yourself up about it. Awareness is the first step.“
This is encouraging, and I’m not even joking. I’m currently facing up to the results of my assholery and it feels like the world is ending tbf.
David, most actual full blown sociopaths don't want to know or actively avoid understanding themselves. So on the asshole to sociopath scale, try and take comfort in the fact that you're probably just on the bit of a dick end of the scale.
As long as learning to be a better person isn't actually a way of learning to manipulate people further then you're all good!
At least you're not this guy....
although he seems to have taken it on the chin quite well.
Thanks Oakley muppet. Not wishing to derail the thread too much, genuinely grateful for this calm perspective.
Derail away guys. If there’s a greater good available here then exploit it. To mean if 10 people can benefit from this then capitalise on it. I’ve received enough for now I think so crack on and morph this into whatever helps the most people 🙂
I think what I was trying to get at earlier but couldn't quite put into words is,
Don't automatically assume that everything has to be your fault. It may be that you're a bit of a dick; it may also be that someone telling you that you're a bit of a dick is simply intolerant. Ascertaining which can be challenging.
I'm perhaps a little over-sensitive around this because I've been in an abusive relationship, which I didn't realise until I got out and had the benefit of hindsight. Wanting to better yourself is laudable. Beating yourself up because someone wants you to 'change' into their perfect ideal or just toe the line and behave, not so much. That's a whole vicious circle of catastrophic self-worth failure and trust me, that's really not a road you want to be embarking down. If you're "not good enough" for someone then why are they still with you when they want something different?
Well, the whole “inability to lie” piece is fairly relatable. Just had dinner, I was thinking instead of engaging. She asks “what’s wrong” and I simply say “work stuff I’m thinking through”. She knew that was a load of bull so probed and probed. She got concerned I was mad at her, then unhappy with “us”, then perhaps my ex had thrown another grenade I hadn’t told her about, so I said it’s about me and don’t worry and it tel you later. That didn’t go down well as just caused more concern so now she knows I think I’m on the spectrum.
Her response (which was the reason for this thread in the first place) was good! She said no to worry about it, I’m still me, she still loves me and we can read more about it tonight once kids in bed. I listed the things I do which annoy her and could be attributed to ASC and she said whatever the cause, they’re still annoying but we can find new ways to stop them being so prevalent.
Basically the end result is positive and nothing to get stressed about. That’s my experience, others may be different but possible helpful for someone else. Though everyone is different and everyone’s partners are different so bear that in mind I guess. Hope this helps. You lot helped me for sure.
that's lovely stuff. Long may it continue and the best of luck to you both.
I listed the things I do which annoy her and could be attributed to ASC and she said whatever the cause, they’re still annoying but we can find new ways to stop them being so prevalent.
in relationships it's a two way street. While you both can come up with ways to minimise or reduce the frequency of annoying 'things' there also needs to be some acceptance from her that you will still do them, especially if you've more stuff going on in the background. And that this is how it is.
for me, it's a huge effort to keep myself in check, not say flippant things to my OH and daughter. Sometimes though, I have little capacity to stop going back to default robot (see spoon theory). It still has the same impact I tend to try to distance myself, thinking it's the best thing to do, but stony faced and not wanting to interact with your family just brings more questions, and more effort trying to articulate a response that will satisfy their concern/curiosity. :-/
so, acceptance from yourself and others close that sometimes you will be what you are, and to trust that it's OK, is key.
Thanks again guys.
Having continued to dig into this, I now hear what @nickc was saying. It appears to officially be diagnosed with an ASC, it has to have a significant debilitating impact on daily life. Therefore the conclusion must be that I cannot claim to have an ASC, as my daily life only suffers minor annoyance/nuisance vs significantly debilitating.
I don’t really know what that means, but pretty sure we are back to the Middle Aged white asshole scenario again. And to Nicks point (I think), I do not need to drain valuable resources or time from those genuinely in need or detract for the seriousness of their situations.
This has been an introspective journey for sure and having read the majority of the first 7 pages of google search results now, I see myself in approx 70% of common AS traits but recognise they aren’t debilitating for me so ought not be labelled as such. I should therefore use the coping strategies one would employ to solve those issues as it’ll still be useful, but refer to myself in the interim as an asshole. A now slightly more educated one but if it looks like an asshole, smells like an asshole and associates with other assholes (most middle aged exec white guys) then it probably is an asshole. That didn’t work at all but you get the point, probably.
but refer to myself in the interim as an asshole
finally, a club I can join